Standing by your spouse when SC are involved

[Sweetchillidiphigh]

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1. Now I can understand how that may be extremely hard when your DC are still children but when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?
YABU = Spouse comes first
YANBU = Adult child comes first

"You'd accept being treated badly by a 30 year old woman behaving like a spoilt 7 year old? Jeez talk about setting a low bar for yourself."

There's a halfway between rolling over like a doormat and banning her from the home permanently. OP says she will never forgive her. I can't think of many behaviours that are unforgivable, permanently, forever.

What I don't understand if 30year old "child" is that unhappy why she hasn't gone NC for her own benefit. Surely she can still talk to her father if she wanted to but she doesn't have to have anything to do with OP.

One would think she just likes the drama of it all, and upsetting people.

It's very easy to go NC with people. I'm NC with my father and he with me. We've never really had a relationship since I was 11, he had an affair and dissapeard with OW. Then tried to swan back in when I was 15/16 and parade my half sister around in my face, then dissapeard again and returned in my early 20's, then upset my brother on his wedding day, and I just though you are an arsehole I can't stand you fuck off. So I did. Step mum is alright to be honest other than being the OW I've never had anything against her, but my father is a piece of work and I just can't stand the man, so don't bother. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You sound like you are very competitive with your sd, all the talk of wanting your dh to choose you, wanting your sd to re obtuse they are the one in the wrong.

Issues in a family are almost never a single person's problem, they tend to be systemic.

Just from your posts I can see lots of reasons why your sd might feel hostile.

You'd accept being treated badly by a 30 year old woman behaving like a spoilt 7 year old?

Presumably the daughter is thinking the same about OP, who is presumably considerably older.

I'm aware this is only one side of it, but I'm not caring for OP's tone towards her husband's family, or her desire to aim the blame at the daughter and not her husband, who is responsible for how he responds to all this. I agree with PPs that the tone is competitive and hostile, and I'll be surprised if the step daughter is the full on villain of the piece with OP a perfect victim.

@Sweetchillidiphigh

I’ll never forgive her and she won’t be welcome in my house. It’s not just one thing it’s several things over a few years designed to hurt me. I don’t want him to cut ties with her I just want her to realise he will be staying with me and she doesn’t get to be nasty and rude. By not addressing her behaviour he’d be letting her think it’s ok. He has told her she’s out of order and now she’s very angry with him. She expects him to chose her. He won’t chose but if forced he will chose me as she is the one driving it all.

How does she want him to choose her? He is clearly staying married to you, what is he doing that chooses her rather than you?

OP are you going to share with us why you hate your SD so much and what's happened between you to cause this? Because without context this all just sounds like competitiveness for who's most important in your DHs life.

@twominutesmore

"I’ll never forgive her and she won’t be welcome in my house."

For me, that's the issue with many sm/sc relationships.

Nobody would say that about their own child. You'd be angry, you'd be upset, you'd want an apology but you would never close the door forever on your child.

To me, this sort of hyperbolic talk is just incendiary and escalates any argument into the realms of permanent rift. I am surprised her dad is going along with this, since it's his home too. No matter what she's done is he really saying there's no way back from it and she can't set foot in her father's home again?

I wish you'd tell us what she's done, because it's hard to see permanent exclusion from the home and never speaking again as reasonable.

Wrong. My mother did when I was in my late teens using almost those exact words. She also made damn sure my father and the rest of the family did the same. 15 years later she admitted she'd been wrong and my father regretted going along with it for the rest of his life, though I told him there was no need, repeatedly.

@twominutesmore yes exactly this. Of course there are some parents who do that (and I’m sorry that happened to you @Andouillette) but in general step children often do get treated very differently from how someone would treat their own children.

When I was 19 my step mother told me she didn’t believe adult children should still have a bedroom at their parents’ home. I had just gone to uni six months earlier and was living at home in school holidays. She told me that when her own daughter (a few years younger than me) turned 18 she’d be expected to move out completely, and if it was up to her I’d have been asked to do the same. I fully moved out as soon as I possibly could after that because it was made clear I wasn’t welcome. Guess what? Stepsister turned 18 and continued to live there well into her early 20s. It was all bollocks and she’d never have actually said that to her own daughter.

@Sweetchillidiphigh

What did she do? It is impossible to give constructive advice without understanding the context

in general step children often do get treated very differently from how someone would treat their own children.

Of course they are not treated the same way.

Your stepchildren are your in-laws. If we are talking about adults (and not even young adults here), then a stepdaughter treating you with contempt is no different to your sister in law or your mother in law doing the same. You aren’t going to feel as you do about your own children (although no one should be letting their adult children dictate their lives and relationships or treat their partner disrespectfully).

Why should anyone put up with that? As a stepparent, they don’t (and probably never did) have the authority to challenge poor behaviour in their stepchildren. And now they’re dealing with an adult who may well continue to treat them poorly simply on the basis that she’s their stepmother. It’s not uncommon.

After all, the stepchild is entitled to feel however they want about their in-law relations. They’re just not entitled to act like arseholes.

Obviously her father will feel differently. But he should be tackling her behaviour. As a parent it’s completely reasonable to say to your 30 year old daughter that she is not welcome in his home if she won’t treat everyone in the household with respect.

Part of being a grown up is dealing with the consequences of your actions. If you are awful to people, then it will limit where you are welcome. Even within your own family. Being related to someone doesn’t mean you can be an arsehole to them (sadly far too many people seem to think it does).

I cant quote, but its not about accepting being treated badly. Noone wants to be treated badly, but quite honestly no matter what, my children, whether adult or otherwise are always going to be my priority.
If I had a partner that banned my child from the house, I wouldnt stay with that partner, even if my adult child was being a shit. Id try and work it through with my child and untangle what the hell was going on. Id listen to them. I have an obligation to my children.

Its really important to me that I am always there for my children. Ive always known that my mum is on my side no matter what. I have friends who have never had that unconditional parental love. Its damaging. Its more important than whether you have to break up with a boyfriend, and its more important than who is right or wrong.
I would apologise to my spouse that it had turned out like that and acknowledge that they had been treated badly, but I would listen to what my children needed from me, whether thats at age 10, 20, 30 or 40. I would never expect someone to take my side over their own offspring. So damaging

I do think there are probably limits to this.

I think it completely depends on the situation. I am a SC and I’m in a situation where my mum has gone NC with me because I won’t accept her husband and she has chosen him over her adult daughter and grandchildren. I have no doubt that my stepdad calls me a bitch and thinks I’m evil. My mum certainly thinks I’m crazy. Some of her friends believe them and have gone cold on me too.

The reality of the situation though is that my stepdad sexually abused his own daughter (and has also sexually abused other children outside the family, think like flashing in a public place, which he hasn’t been caught for). I refused to allow my mum to have a relationship with my dc until she either left him or got some extensive therapy, if she felt she couldn’t leave. I also spoke out about it and made sure everyone knew about his past convictions and more recent behaviour. For that, I’m evil and horrible, and my mum wants nothing to do with us anymore. So context is everything. They’ve been able to make out I’ve done all this awful stuff and tried to break up their marriage, but it’s a situation where obviously my mum should have chosen me over her partner. Obviously a really extreme situation and probably nothing like what’s happening for you, OP. But I think the answer is complicated and people can be easily manipulated to take sides.

@mindutopia Oh wow I can’t believe that has happened and your mother took his side! You are clearly not the one in the wrong here so I would say in your situation you DM should not have taken his side. But I don’t understand how anyone could be with a sex offender like that at all so there you go!

Parental love is unconditional but romantic love is conditional. That's the difference.

She will be his daughter till death. Spousal relationships change. For example, how does your husband feel about your step daughters's mother now? He loved her once too.

Why on earth would you want to be married to someone who who placed another person above their own child? A man who does this is really not worth having.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

Parental love is unconditional but romantic love is conditional. That's the difference.

She will be his daughter till death. Spousal relationships change. For example, how does your husband feel about your step daughters's mother now? He loved her once too.

Why on earth would you want to be married to someone who who placed another person above their own child? A man who does this is really not worth having.

At a certain point, even family can go too far. We don't know many details here and maybe the daughter was just being a bit of a brat, but many people's children can and do do things that are unforgivable.

I’ve told my son and husband (his step-dad) that now my son is an adult, it’s up to them to manage their relationship and I won’t adjudicate. They both know I love them, they both know when push comes to shove I have to prioritise my child, but now they’re both adults, they can get on with any spats themselves. It’s been remarkably freeing for me, and seems to have been pretty effective for them too. I recommend it!

After reading more of the thread I’ve realised my comment isn’t very helpful though because @Sweetchillidiphigh’s SD wouldn’t be very responsive to that 🙈

My FIL often “chose” his wife’s side (2nd wife) or at least allowed her to be incredibly rude to my DH and his siblings. There was no massive falling out but my DH and his siblings were very hurt and it affected how often we visited or contacted them. Sad really, but he made his bed.

@aSofaNearYou what would it take to make you abandon your children?

@londonrach

Child will always come first no matter but bad behaviour should be dealt with

Not if they're adult brats, there comes a point, and 30 is well beyond it, that they can't go on playing at being Daddy's little Princess.

[quote SleepOhHowIMissYou]@aSofaNearYou what would it take to make you abandon your children?

[/quote]
All manner of things, mainly boiling down to genuinely being an awful person, I suppose. There are plenty out there, and they will all have had parents.

[quote SleepOhHowIMissYou]@aSofaNearYou what would it take to make you abandon your children?

[/quote]
It’s not abandoning your children to set clear boundaries and expectations. They don’t have to like your choices, but they have to respect them.

Just as you don’t have to like their partners but you have to respect that they have made their own choices.

"Not if they're adult brats, there comes a point, and 30 is well beyond it, that they can't go on playing at being Daddy's little Princess."

Well we don't know what she's done yet do we? OP won't tell us.

Also - if my dd behaves like a brat at 30 I'll tell her so and expect an apology, not ban her from the house for life and tell her I'll never forgive her. It's awful to permanently close the door on your partners child. What an awful position to put him in.

*It’s not abandoning your children to set clear boundaries and expectations. They don’t have to like your choices, but they have to respect them.

Just as you don’t have to like their partners but you have to respect that they have made their own choices.*

@BurntToastAgain has the most sensible take on this- expecting civility and respect from an adult of 30+ isn't an unreasonable expectation at all.

[quote ErinTingey]**@Sweetchillidiphigh

What did she do? It is impossible to give constructive advice without understanding the context[/quote]
@Sweetchillidiphigh

Are you not going to answer the question? It is hardly out of order