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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

218 replies

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 08:43

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

OP posts:
WhiteXmas21 · 31/12/2021 08:46

I didn’t vote because I couldn’t figure out which was which, but your family are being unreasonable.
I, too, have had it with DHs family, and have declined all NY invites to see them. I cannot figure out why, with 52weeks in a year, we have to concentrate all this social activity into 1 week.

MsChatterbox · 31/12/2021 08:47

They will get over it and if they don't then poor them.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2021 08:48

An invitation is not a summons. Good on him for declining an event he doesnt want to attend, and good on you for having his back.

Not all of us want to socialise all the time.

Suprima · 31/12/2021 08:48

Why doesn’t your DH want to attend another family event? Why does he see it as a chore?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2021 08:49

@Suprima

Why doesn’t your DH want to attend another family event? Why does he see it as a chore?
3 days socialising in a larger group in the space of eight days is (for me anyways) a nightmare.
Sometimeswinning · 31/12/2021 08:49

Id be a bit surprised if bil missed my party because he was done with family events. My dh isn't a fan but of get togethers but he does it for me and the kids. We usually just stay for a few hours as a compromise.

Fizzgigg · 31/12/2021 08:50

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

An invitation is not a summons. Good on him for declining an event he doesnt want to attend, and good on you for having his back.

Not all of us want to socialise all the time.

This. He hosted them and engaged with your family and cheerfully had a lovely time but now he'd like a break. Seems fair to me. Also they must be relatively local for this level of interaction so I'm assuming you see them regularly enough too?
Odoreida · 31/12/2021 08:54

YANBU. My family are like this. They just don't understand that their company en masse is not actually overwhelmingly joyful the third time. Well done to your DH for calmly saying no

BooksAndGin · 31/12/2021 08:54

He hosted and engaged with them two days already, I wouldn't want to go either if I was him. Slight over kill isn't it?

userisi2 · 31/12/2021 08:54

I can't say I blame him. 3 days all with your family is quite a lot, my DH would go but I think good on your DH if he really doesn't want to, will he see his family? Do you do this every year?

twominutesmore · 31/12/2021 08:55

I suppose it would have been more tactful to make up an excuse. I admire his honesty but 'I don't want to spend another day with your family' would offend many.

Shinychestnuts · 31/12/2021 08:56

Depends. If he has already said he would go when the hosting and arrangements were agreed upon, then he is being VU to drop out now, at the last minute, when he has been catered for.

If your sister has spontaneously decided to host NY without consulting anyone, then he is NBU, but in that instance, surely neither of you should go?

It depends though on whether you are bothered about being with your dh on NY's eve or not. It seems a bit strange to start the year apart but each to their own!

Basically though, this should have been discussed and agreed upon much sooner than the day of the event! The shopping will have probably been done by now!

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2021 08:56

Good for him.

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/12/2021 08:58

I'd have had enough of family dinners too if they were that close together. There is only so much socialising in my and two days in a row leaves me wanting my duvet.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 31/12/2021 08:59

I don't blame him at all but I have to ask - did you actually say that he wouldn't be attending because he's fed up of going to their family events? Because that does sound a bit blunt. If it were me I'd be feigning illness or a prior engagement...

toots111 · 31/12/2021 09:01

@Shinychestnuts

Depends. If he has already said he would go when the hosting and arrangements were agreed upon, then he is being VU to drop out now, at the last minute, when he has been catered for.

If your sister has spontaneously decided to host NY without consulting anyone, then he is NBU, but in that instance, surely neither of you should go?

It depends though on whether you are bothered about being with your dh on NY's eve or not. It seems a bit strange to start the year apart but each to their own!

Basically though, this should have been discussed and agreed upon much sooner than the day of the event! The shopping will have probably been done by now!

It’s New Year’s Day the sister is hosting. I think that’s fair enough. A lot of people don’t like to make plans for New Year’s Day, let alone another big family gathering. My husband had opted out of our plans for New Year’s Day because he will have had a late night tonight (working though) but now we all have covid it’s a moot point anyway.
Mrsjayy · 31/12/2021 09:01

Mumsnet seems to be full of introverts who can only cope with so much so you are getting the answers you want. Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!

itsutterlyshit · 31/12/2021 09:03

Sounds quite miserable and your sister maybe feels a bit put out.
Unless there's a back story it sound quite rude to me.
Obviously your DH is an adult and can decide to go or not go him to whatever he wants. It's pretty sad that 2days socialising is all he's prepared to do

Daisy38 · 31/12/2021 09:04

I don’t blame him. I’d be doing the same. My in-laws, who are a very small group, spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day all together. We live quite far from them but one year we were there for Christmas and by Boxing Day I suggested we do something else as I was done spending so much time together in close quarters, especially as one of them has a real tendency to dominate everything.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2021 09:05

Well that’s gratitude from your family… 🤷‍♀️ I think it would have diplomatic for him to decline stating he just needs to recharge his batteries so would be seeing them another day.

Tohaveandtohold · 31/12/2021 09:05

I agree with @Mrsjayy, at the very least, instead of being blunt, in real life, one will make up an excuse for why they won’t be attending so as not to offend the other family members.

SmolCat · 31/12/2021 09:06

Did you actually say “he’s done with family events?” If you said the reason he’s not coming is because he’s had enough of everyone then I can see why they’re feeing a bit offended.

I don’t think he’s at all in the wrong not to go, but I I do think it would need to be said tactfully.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2021 09:07

Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!

"Thanks for the invite, but it's been a busy week and I'm shattered and just fancy a quiet night in. Have a lovely time though!"

What's rude there?

godmum56 · 31/12/2021 09:08

I am on team DH for this one. I can only do so much cheerful peopleing before I get an urge to borrow a big kitchen knife and run amok. I think that your family are being VVU.

Sometimeswinning · 31/12/2021 09:14

^"Thanks for the invite, but it's been a busy week and I'm shattered and just fancy a quiet night in. Have a lovely time though!"

What's rude there?^

Absolutely nothing! But where in the op does it say he say he said this??? He just sounds like a miserable person to me who only considers his own fragile feelings.