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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

218 replies

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 08:43

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2021 09:15

It doesnt say he said this. But it also doesnt say he was rude in his response, which is what you insinuated.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 09:19

He can do what he wants.

Sometimeswinning · 31/12/2021 09:21

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz the op's family are disgusted. I'd assume more that he hasn't been very thoughtful in his response.

If they are disgusted with a very fair answer like your example then I assume the op would have included that. But you have just pulled a narrative out of thin air.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 31/12/2021 09:21

It does seem a bit mad having big family events spanning three days in one week. Apart from anything else, haven't you exhausted most of the available conversational topics during the first event?

KCee30 · 31/12/2021 09:22

I'm with your dh. There's only so many family gatherings I can take. He is not obliged to go.

I did not go in laws when Dp took the kids over this week. We all had covid before Christmas and haven't had 5 minutes to myself for a few weeks. I really needed to time to myself so I didn't go. Mil was likely offended but I just couldn't face it.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 31/12/2021 09:24

I used to divide up my family events for my husband into three-line whip events (e.g. weddings, funerals, big parties, Christmas) which I would like him to attend, and everything else, which was optional if he felt like it (sometimes yes, sometimes no).

I wouldn't be interested in anyone describing my husband's attendance as 'disgusting' if he didn't go, I would robustly tell them where to go if that came up. Why do you even let these people speak about your husband in such a disparaging way? Just say 'Bob won't be coming on X day' and leave it as that. If they ask why I'd say 'we've spent a lot of time together over Xmas and now we are doing things separately for a bit' and turn away. This is not up for discussion.

IncompleteSenten · 31/12/2021 09:24

Did he/you actually tell them he couldn't take another big day with your family?

If so, that is unbelievably rude and no wonder your sister is hurt!

This is one of those times you make an excuse if you genuinely can't just suck it up!

Flickflak · 31/12/2021 09:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MiddleParking · 31/12/2021 09:27

God, who isn’t fed up of family stuff by now? I’d want to cry if I had to go to anything else in the next few days, and I’ve had a great time (the bits with my side, anyway). Most people don’t get enough time off work as it is, it’s pretty self centred to think people should be endlessly willing to forgo downtime to hang out with you.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 31/12/2021 09:28

I'm with your DH too. It's not like he hasn't seen them twice already this holiday period.

As for the idea that it's rude to refuse to go to events in the real world, I wonder why the extroverts need so much validation from others? It's a bit like work Christmas parties - why the offence if someone doesn't want to go?

knittingaddict · 31/12/2021 09:28

@Mrsjayy

Mumsnet seems to be full of introverts who can only cope with so much so you are getting the answers you want. Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!
Not an introvert I take it?

I'm an introvert on mn and in real life (they do exist you know). My need to have space is just as valid as your's to socialise.

The lead up to Christmas is busy and sometimes strssful and on Tuesday it's back to the grindstone. If the op's husband needs a bit of time to himself then that's perfectly fine and good for him that he is able to priortise.

Nothing terrible happens if you refuse 1 out of 3 invitations. The universe won't implode and the sky won't fall down.

Mofomo · 31/12/2021 09:30

He sounds like a moody teenager but their response is also ott

MichaelAndEagle · 31/12/2021 09:32

@GoodPrincessWenceslas

It does seem a bit mad having big family events spanning three days in one week. Apart from anything else, haven't you exhausted most of the available conversational topics during the first event?
That's exactly what I was thinking. Which makes it even worse for the OPs DH as they have to sit through the same family anecdotes and gossip.
Elisheva · 31/12/2021 09:34

When did he drop out? Maybe her dsis has been looking forward to hosting her own gathering and has been carefully planning it. If dh was going to go and now can’t be bothered then than is quite hurtful if someone has put a lot of effort in.

OhThatChicken · 31/12/2021 09:35

I think this is totally ok. DH and I have both had a lot of our family round this Christmas (my parents stayed, his family live close by). We hosted most events.

One day of the four my parents were staying he went out to play golf for a few hours and I spent time with my parents / DC alone.

Another day of the holiday he took the DC to his grandmother's house and left me at home to read the books I got for Christmas and eat Quality Street in peace.

It's reasonable to need time to decompress. Unless you/he told your family he hates their stupid faces and would rather jump in front of a bus than start 2022 with them then they are being unreasonable.

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 09:37

Thank you for the replies.
My DH and my DM don’t get on. My DM can be difficult but, in saying that, my DH is quite intolerant of her and I have struggled with this.
I did make up an excuse.

My DH also likes less social contact than I do and
He is of the mind that he did Xmas over the 2 days and does not want any more days together for a few weeks.

Prior to Xmas we had a dinner at the end of October and prior to that a family event in September so it’s not like we are always together.

OP posts:
rainyskylight · 31/12/2021 09:38

Team DH.
I hosted Xmas Eve and Day with DH’s family. On Boxing Day there was a lunch at MiL. I sat out. I wanted to stay at home in the peace and quiet and put the house back together. Your family are being unreasonable.

Ruibies · 31/12/2021 09:38

Your DH is totally reasonable. We are just back from 4 days at PILs where there was socialising with the wider family most days. I am a broken woman who cried in the car on the way home, I find it exhausting, mentally draining and just plain unenjoyable by the second or third day. I too have opted out of family things in the past and feel no guilt. I'm much happier and nicer to be around if I go to the things I can actually enjoy - no one wants me there with a face on because I'm overwhelmed and genuinely cannot muster any enthusiasm for any conversation. Hope your DH has a lovely peaceful time without you all!

LublinToDublin · 31/12/2021 09:39

I just had a really fabulous get together with my family (yesterday). Absolutely loved it and genuinely meant it when I said we must do it again soon. But I wouldn't want to do it all again next weekend - and that's my own family!

Tubs11 · 31/12/2021 09:41

I've voted yabu as it sounds like he's happy to host and have people come to him but not put the effort in to visit family when they host which is unreasonable

bcc89 · 31/12/2021 09:42

Your family are... disgusted? Hmm

2pinkginsplease · 31/12/2021 09:43

If I was sister I would be a bit put out. They all made an effort to come to your dinner and are returning the favour and your dh can’t be arsed! Bit rude.

ESGdance · 31/12/2021 09:44

I think you both behaved impeccably.

He hosted. Spent 2 days (assume uneventful) with someone he is not compatible with. That was a significant effort.

You made the excuse - so for them to let rip with the “disgusting” comment is v controlling and OOO.

Your DH called it right if this is what’s beneath the surface.

Tulipomania · 31/12/2021 09:44

Impossible to answer without knowing when and how the invitation was issued, and how you responded to it.

I do hope no-one was rude.

EdenFlower · 31/12/2021 09:44

If your sister has organised a lovely meal with her closest family to celebrate the New Year, then that is very thoughtful of her. She clearly wants to play her part in the family celebrations seeing as you and DH hosted Christmas.

If your DH turns this down because 'he's had enough of them', then that's very rude. If if he hasn't said this directly and you go by yourself it is still going to send this message to your family. Without a genuine excuse like illness or other prior engagement then your family will definitely be offended,