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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

218 replies

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 08:43

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

OP posts:
Essexmate · 31/12/2021 11:01

Blimey, all the missed time during lockdowns and 3 dinners is too much. I would find that quite poor if I was your DS, especially as they all came to his dinner (did you not both host?). I mean he could’ve gone to this last dinner and had his break, the holidays are usually coupled with get togethers.
Personally, I think once partners start to opt out of ‘family events’ it leaves a bad taste

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 11:02

@Essexmate I totally agree it leaves a bad taste and is really the only negative in our marriage but it is an issue

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 11:03

[quote merrygoround51]@k1233 we spent time with DH family but a smaller amount and my DH is fine with that.

He really doesn’t love lots of get togethers

His family do a week in summer which he does and I dip in and out of[/quote]
I don't understand why it's okay for you to "dip in and out" of his family gatherings, but it's seemingly not okay for him to do the same with yours.

I spend plenty of time with my family without DH, just as he regularly sees his family without me. You might be married, but that doesn't mean you need to attend all social gatherings together all the time.

If he doesn't want to go, it's perfectly okay for him to opt out and stay home. For introverts, it can be really stressful to spend long periods of time with other people without a break.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2021 11:08

[quote merrygoround51]@Essexmate I totally agree it leaves a bad taste and is really the only negative in our marriage but it is an issue[/quote]
But you said it was no different to when you dip in and out in your reply to me. You’re flip flopping a lot here. It leaves a bad taste but not when you do it?

LindaEllen · 31/12/2021 11:09

Me and DP both recognise than our families are our problem haha, great if we both want to go, but if we don't, we just go to our own respective family's gatherings. It's fine and easy. We see each other plenty!

PinkWaferBiscuit · 31/12/2021 11:09

[quote merrygoround51]@Essexmate I totally agree it leaves a bad taste and is really the only negative in our marriage but it is an issue[/quote]
How is it an issue?

Honestly there's no way you would attend all these meals if it was your MIL who was volatile when she had drunk and so openly critical of you and not one person would think you unreasonable for not wanting to be in that situation.

You don't need to do everything together and frankly it's odd you can't see why he wouldn't want to put himself in that situation so frequently.

AlDanvers · 31/12/2021 11:11

[quote merrygoround51]@Essexmate I totally agree it leaves a bad taste and is really the only negative in our marriage but it is an issue[/quote]
I think expecting your oartner to put up with your mum's poor behaviour and drunken outbursts, with the justification of 'but she is my mum' leaves a bad taste.

Saying he must attend anything your family want him to while dipping in and out of his family events, also leaves a bad taste.

If your family decided to host dinner every week and would he be expected to attend every week?

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2021 11:11

Are you the kind of couple that usually does everything together?

user1487194234 · 31/12/2021 11:12

No way would my DH do this
Nor would I
Family is very important to both of us and after the lockdowns we are enjoying getting together again

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 11:13

@MiddleClassProblem Most definitely not. Lots of time apart with hobbies and friends. Both very independent

OP posts:
Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 11:14

@AlDanvers It’s certainly not every event but I suppose there is always an underlying tension.
I think I just need to get over it and accept my DH will not attend any more than the basic family events.

OP posts:
PhoenixReincarnated · 31/12/2021 11:16

My mum was a single parent. She would never dream of using that as an excuse for getting drunk and being rude and difficult.

Your DH is DNBU. You dip in and out of his family events and he has the right to dip in and out of yours. Quite frankly I think he did well to tolerate your mother over Christmas.

Bearsinmotion · 31/12/2021 11:18

I totally agree it leaves a bad taste and is really the only negative in our marriage but it is an issue.

What is the issue exactly? That you are more extrovert than your partner and don’t need to recharge as much? Or that he won’t put up with your mum’s drunken behaviour and outbursts like you do? And why does it leave a bad taste when you were “totally fine with it” in your OP?

icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 11:20

[quote merrygoround51]@Essexmate I totally agree it leaves a bad taste and is really the only negative in our marriage but it is an issue[/quote]
But it's okay for you to dip in and out?

I don't understand why it leaves a bad taste when he does it, and not when you do exactly the same thing.

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 11:21

@Bearsinmotion I meant a bad taste with my family. I am totally fine with him missing this event but find the tension with my mother difficult. I clearly need to just get over it

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 31/12/2021 11:23

[quote merrygoround51]@Bearsinmotion I meant a bad taste with my family. I am totally fine with him missing this event but find the tension with my mother difficult. I clearly need to just get over it[/quote]
Your family sound exceptionally hard work. Do you think maybe you would feel happier and more secure if you took a break from them. From everything you've said about your mum she sounds very emotionally abusive if I'm honest.

multiplemum3 · 31/12/2021 11:23

Why can you dip in and out but he can't? Especially with a difficult mum, you're being extremely unfair.

Bearsinmotion · 31/12/2021 11:25

So why do you say it’s a negative and an issue “in my marriage?” Confused

Itsmybaby · 31/12/2021 11:26

[quote merrygoround51]@Bearsinmotion I meant a bad taste with my family. I am totally fine with him missing this event but find the tension with my mother difficult. I clearly need to just get over it[/quote]
Your family are BU. Have you defended your husbands choice when they have said they’re ‘disgusted’? What do you do when your Mum has outbursts?

Essexmate · 31/12/2021 11:26

I think OP maybe you’re just now realising the bigger issue between your DH & DM. Obviously you were aware but it sounds like it’s sinking in now because in some replies you sound quite hurt and in others telling yourself off.

Twiglets1 · 31/12/2021 11:26

Your family need to get a grip - he’s done his time as they say with people getting out of prison

Ohyesiam · 31/12/2021 11:28

@Suprima

Why doesn’t your DH want to attend another family event? Why does he see it as a chore?
Because it’s a chore
icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 11:29

[quote merrygoround51]@Bearsinmotion I meant a bad taste with my family. I am totally fine with him missing this event but find the tension with my mother difficult. I clearly need to just get over it[/quote]
Then in the nicest way, your family need to get a grip.

Butchyrestingface · 31/12/2021 11:29

Would need to know more about what your mother's 'outbursts' entail? Is it criticisms of him?

FurryAntiWaxer · 31/12/2021 11:31

Who needs 'support' to go to family get togethers. If you feel like that, don't go. I come from a big family and we seem very full on to outsiders. Partners are always invited and welcome at our gatherings but no one feels offended when they bow out, especially around this time of year it gets a bit overwhelming.
We don't even have drunken outbursts. Just endless chattering conversations, in jokes and reminiscing about the good ol days.

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