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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

218 replies

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 08:43

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 09:46

What did you say to them to make them feel disgusted?

I mean, saying "sorry but I'm just absolutely shattered and want a couple of quiet days before going back to work" is very different from saying "nah, I've spent too much time with you already - I'm done".

Was his response more the former or the latter?

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 09:46

I understand why he would feel that way but I think its really rude of him to have told them that. What a way to make them feel as though their company is boring/hardwork.

icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 09:47

Without a genuine excuse like illness or other prior engagement then your family will definitely be offended,

Why do you need a "genuine excuse"? If a grown adult doesn't want to attend something, they should absolutely be able to opt out as long as they're not rude about it.

Gingerbreadrules · 31/12/2021 09:48

Oh dear I've probably bamboozled my husband as we spent nearly three days at my parents over Xmas though I did say if he didn't want to stay the second night he could get the train home. And I have them coming for lunch tomorrow. But apart from actually sitting down for the meal there's no need for him to spend more time socialising with them, he will get on jobs while they are here. In some ways hosting them here is better for him than sitting in someone else's house being polite and not being able to get on with stuff. We spent a day at his dad's too but neither of them would have wanted any more than that.(plus I organized that!)
I quite often see my parents with my kids without DH so I don't see it as a huge problem for him to be missing from a gathering.

OverTheRubicon · 31/12/2021 09:48

@EdenFlower

If your sister has organised a lovely meal with her closest family to celebrate the New Year, then that is very thoughtful of her. She clearly wants to play her part in the family celebrations seeing as you and DH hosted Christmas.

If your DH turns this down because 'he's had enough of them', then that's very rude. If if he hasn't said this directly and you go by yourself it is still going to send this message to your family. Without a genuine excuse like illness or other prior engagement then your family will definitely be offended,

Then that's rude of the family. Would you want to spend 3 nights over a week partying with your in laws?

I love my big and rowdy family, but am also very sympathetic that it's full on and wouldn't expect others to want to join in each time. It's perfectly reasonable for someone to say that it's a kind invitation and you'd love to see them another time, but after a big Christmas you're looking forward to ringing in the new year quietly/alone/with friends.

notanothertakeaway · 31/12/2021 09:50

I think it's a bit rude to decline an invitation to a family gathering. We're seeing my DBIL family soon. I could do without it, but am happy to go for my DH's sake

Squirrelblanket · 31/12/2021 09:50

I wouldn't want to do another event with people a few days after TWO days of events with the same people. So I think it's fine to back out.

I would obviously put it more politely to them.

Fizzbangwallop · 31/12/2021 09:51

My family get together on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day every year. We only see them on Christmas Day as one day with them is more than enough for me! I don’t understand why your family are disgusted. Disappointed perhaps, but what’s disgusting about not wanting to socialise on NYD?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 31/12/2021 09:51

I'm baffled at the notion from some posters that he needs a 'real' excuse. As long as he wasn't rude in declining the invite then not wanting to attend another family meal because he has been to several already recently and he wants a quiet night in is just as genuine a reason as illness or a clash of plans.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2021 09:53

They’ll get over it. My DH has banned my dm from the house due to her horrible behaviour over summer. I absolutely don’t blame him. He refuses to come on visits (we’re 5 hours away) because my family are overwhelming and he just doesn’t cope well with people talking and so many of them all at once.

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 09:54

The excuse I gave was believable but I’m afraid that I do find my DH refusing rude but there is very little I can do other than force him to attend. In an otherwise good marriage, this is our main issue.

I should have added that my sister is hosting in my mother’s house as her house is being painted at the moment and after my DM had a couple of ‘outbursts’ my DH really doesn’t enjoy my DM house.

He’s not totally taken against my family. My DB calls over most weeks for dinner and my DH has no issue with that. It’s more an issue with my DM.

OP posts:
Bollocks2Covid · 31/12/2021 09:56

@Mrsjayy

Mumsnet seems to be full of introverts who can only cope with so much so you are getting the answers you want. Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!
So introverts don’t exist ‘in the real world’ then? I’m an introvert and I know that I definitely exist 😉 One thing I’ve realised over the last two years is how intolerant and self absorbed many extroverts are if the endless whinging I’ve seen from them on social media is anything to go by. I like to think that lockdown was our revenge in a world that overwhelmingly favours extroversion. Maybe you all know what it’s like to be us now?
AlDanvers · 31/12/2021 09:58

Jesus wept. He has to attend everything your family decide they want him to. Just because.

And then your mum is an arse and you expect him to have to put up with her.

Not a chance would anyone be telling telling a female op that she had to attend a party are her pita mil house and be more tolerate of mils outbursts.

k1233 · 31/12/2021 10:00

I think it's perfectly fine for your DH not to go. Has he spent any time with his family or was it all with yours?

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 31/12/2021 10:00

You find your DH rude for not wanting to see your DM for a third day in one week due to her outbursts? I think he's a hero for speaking up and looking after his mental health - it's not like he stops you from going is it? Have you spoken to your DM about her outbursts?

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 10:01

It is quite hard though, maybe I should start a support group for women whose husbands don’t get on with their MILs

OP posts:
Loveisthere · 31/12/2021 10:02

Wow op it does not take much to disgust your family does it. Maybe you could stay at home with dh and enjoy new year together. Which ever you choose Happy New year

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 10:02

@k1233 we spent time with DH family but a smaller amount and my DH is fine with that.

He really doesn’t love lots of get togethers

His family do a week in summer which he does and I dip in and out of

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 31/12/2021 10:03

I don't understand why you think he is being rude because he doesn't want to see his mil when you admit she has outburst.

He sounds like he spends loads of time with your family, do you ever see his family?

ESGdance · 31/12/2021 10:03

@merrygoround51

It is quite hard though, maybe I should start a support group for women whose husbands don’t get on with their MILs
Are there ever any consequences to your DM’s outbursts?

Or do you all promote this behaviour by permitting it?

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 10:04

I should also add that my DM didn’t have any ‘outbursts’ this Xmas! It’s more drunken behaviour which to be honest is hard to take for all of us

OP posts:
Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 10:05

@ESGdance My DH not attending is probably the only censure she has had on this. She raised us mainly alone so we tend to cut her a lot of slack

OP posts:
Iamtheweedonkey · 31/12/2021 10:07

Totally fine not to want to go tomorrow. You dip in and out of the week that his family has a get together, no difference.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2021 10:07

It sounds like you both dip in and out of each others family stuff so you cant really be annoyed at him capping the time he spends with your mother at 2 days in a week (and two intense days at rhat).
She sounds hard work - I wouldn't want to go to the home of someone who wasnt nice to me.

ESGdance · 31/12/2021 10:09

@merrygoround51

I should also add that my DM didn’t have any ‘outbursts’ this Xmas! It’s more drunken behaviour which to be honest is hard to take for all of us
Oh that’s ugly.

And the family enable and facilitate the problem drinking?

Are there children watching and absorbing this spectacle?

Lots of mothers have brought up DCs alone - it’s no excuse for bad behaviour.