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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

218 replies

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 08:43

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 31/12/2021 10:10

My brother in law didn’t come to a family buffet on Boxing Day… no one cared! He’d made plans with his mates.. he is allowed to as a grown up!
Ridiculous to be upset over it!

GiveOverIrene · 31/12/2021 10:10

Does his family ever get a look-in? My DH's family was like this in our first few years together. Christmas day everyone at his parents, boxing day everyone at his aunties (all the same people!). I stopped enjoying Christmas - hours of smalltalk with dull relatives. As soon as they were old enough we started taking the DC to panto every boxing day. Caused a few "No, no, it's fine, dont you worry about us" passive aggressive comments, but it had to be done.

Your husband sounds like a Saint. Why do you think he should want to spend so much time with your family?

Mrsjayy · 31/12/2021 10:10

3i just think it would be nicer for your husband to go and support you if you are going its quite( imo ) unusual for partners to bow out of things just because they don't want too!

Livpool · 31/12/2021 10:11

I think it is a bit rude what he can't be bothered - even if that wasn't the excuse given. Yes it is a lot over a week but it is just one week of the year. It would be different if it was every week!

Sometimeswinning · 31/12/2021 10:12

@merrygoround51 I think you're the person I feel more for on this thread. Your dh has been called a hero(!!!??Confused) #team dh has started, mental health has been mentioned.

I think he's a total dick for not supporting you. I think your family should accept what you are saying and save their disgust for him!

You do what you want and make that your new years resolution!

Wombat43 · 31/12/2021 10:14

The best aspect of my marriage is that my DH has my back when it comes to family issues.

He's clearly reached his limit and has put in an appropriate strategy to avoid confrontation. To be commended, definitely not rude. Could go far worse.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2021 10:22

[quote merrygoround51]@k1233 we spent time with DH family but a smaller amount and my DH is fine with that.

He really doesn’t love lots of get togethers

His family do a week in summer which he does and I dip in and out of[/quote]
Why is it ok for you to dip in and out but him not to miss this get together when he spent two days with them so recently?

I see it as very similar things. I don’t think there is anything wrong with him needing a break from them. He also sounds introverted and needs time alone to recharge after group events.

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 10:23

@Sometimeswinning Oh he is definitely no hero for sure. I would like his support but I understand when he has reached his limit. As he gets older and she gets older, it’s getting worse.
DM doesn’t often mean to be difficult but can just overstep.
For example I was in the office, DD needed to know something and asked her dad to call me to find answer. DM was there and told him he should not be contacting me in work and he should be able to work it out himself. Didn’t go down well!!

OP posts:
k1233 · 31/12/2021 10:24

So it's ok for you to dip in and out of his family week together, but not ok for him to dip out of NY day after 2 days already hosting your family? Seems a bit one sided to me.

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 10:25

@MiddleClassProblem I have gone for the whole week but also for 3 or 4 nights. It depends on annual leave really. Agree this is no different

To those who asked, we say DH family Xmas morning and then Boxing Day evening saw his DS family and DM

OP posts:
Shinychestnuts · 31/12/2021 10:25

@merrygoround51

I should also add that my DM didn’t have any ‘outbursts’ this Xmas! It’s more drunken behaviour which to be honest is hard to take for all of us
Sorry to hear this op.

To be fair, that's quite a big drip feed and changes the situation somewhat.

AlDanvers · 31/12/2021 10:31

[quote Sometimeswinning]@merrygoround51 I think you're the person I feel more for on this thread. Your dh has been called a hero(!!!??Confused) #team dh has started, mental health has been mentioned.

I think he's a total dick for not supporting you. I think your family should accept what you are saying and save their disgust for him!

You do what you want and make that your new years resolution![/quote]
Even though pp only dips in and out of his families events?
Even though the mil has drunken outbursts?

Even though he has spent 2 of the key dates of the festive period with them?

Yeah poor op Hmm

thetinsoldier · 31/12/2021 10:35

Sounds like it's your mum's fault, not your h's fault!

Lovemylittlebear · 31/12/2021 10:36

I think it’s rude

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 10:36

@thetinsoldier yes probably but your mother is your mother and she isn’t a bad person, but is difficult

OP posts:
ESGdance · 31/12/2021 10:37

What’s rude about bowing out of a 3rd intense day in under a week with a unpredictable problem drinker - prone to outbursts who you are not compatible with?

Think the DH has done well so far and especially important that he has quit whilst he’s ahead if he knows he is regularly the target of her outbursts or he finds being in the company of a drunk tedious and excruciating.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 31/12/2021 10:39

[quote merrygoround51]@thetinsoldier yes probably but your mother is your mother and she isn’t a bad person, but is difficult[/quote]
Be honest if it was his mother who was prone to drinking and outbursts would you want to see her so frequently.

Yes she's your mum but that doesn't give her a free pass to behave like she does and the fact he sees her at all is impressive. I'm not sure I'd want myself or my children exposed to her behaviour.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2021 10:39

If I’m honest I don’t really understand the support thing. I get that it’s nice to do things altogether but if it’s a situation you need support for then maybe you don’t enjoy it that much too? If you get on with your family then I don’t see why you would need support and if you don’t get on with them then maybe you should put yourself first too and reduce the amount you see them.

DH and I dip in and out of each of our families. We both struggle but equally with our own. However ours all live far away so we don’t see them very regularly.

diddl · 31/12/2021 10:41

I think if it's all the same people again & you don't really enjoy their company then it is hard work.

Add drunken behaviour into that..

If you want to put up with it Op that's your choice, but I think that expecting others to is too much.

thetinsoldier · 31/12/2021 10:42

[quote merrygoround51]@thetinsoldier yes probably but your mother is your mother and she isn’t a bad person, but is difficult[/quote]
Yes, but you cut her slack as she's your mother. She's not your h's mother, so why should he cut her slack if she is rude, drunken or argumentative? That's not nice to be around. You said that other people find her hard work too. Her being a single mum is not a free pass to act as she likes with no regard for others!

Have you ever spoken to her about her behaviour?

Itsmybaby · 31/12/2021 10:44

@merrygoround51

I should also add that my DM didn’t have any ‘outbursts’ this Xmas! It’s more drunken behaviour which to be honest is hard to take for all of us
My DPs Mum is like this. I keep all contact to a minimum and see her about three times a year. DP goes alone to see his family otherwise. It’s hard seeing the whole family enable her because she’ll never see she’d doing anything wrong. I’m glad my DP has my back though.
MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/12/2021 10:47

Totally reasonable for him to say no. I wouldn’t want to spend NY with a woman I didn’t like and who didn’t like me. You describe her as difficult, say she oversteps and has outbursts and that her drunken behaviour is awkward for everyone. That doesn’t sound like somebody it would be pleasant to spend time with! I understand she’s your Mum so you feel duty bound to spend time with her but your DH hasn’t the same duty, it’s not rude to say no to spending time with a difficult person!

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2021 10:50

@Mrsjayy

3i just think it would be nicer for your husband to go and support you if you are going its quite( imo ) unusual for partners to bow out of things just because they don't want too!
Why should the OP need support to spend time with her mother and sister?
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 31/12/2021 10:53

@merrygoround51

The excuse I gave was believable but I’m afraid that I do find my DH refusing rude but there is very little I can do other than force him to attend. In an otherwise good marriage, this is our main issue.

I should have added that my sister is hosting in my mother’s house as her house is being painted at the moment and after my DM had a couple of ‘outbursts’ my DH really doesn’t enjoy my DM house.

He’s not totally taken against my family. My DB calls over most weeks for dinner and my DH has no issue with that. It’s more an issue with my DM.

And with that drip feed you change everything. Your DMs house and your DM is actively rude to him.

Shame on you for expecting him to volunteer for more unpleasantness and to actually find fault with him wanting to avoid it. That makes you complicit in whatever it is your DM has done/said. Think it through, would you put up with that from someone in his family? Would he expect you to?

PineappleMojito · 31/12/2021 10:55

I don’t think it’s bad at all - my DH only does “big events” with my family. They live fairly local and I see them often just informally, but DH only comes to family events when it’s a birthday/occasion. I still have a relationship with my family that exists independently of DH and I as a unit - I certainly wouldn’t expect him to come to all family events, especially if there were two very close together like in OP’s case.

His parents aren’t local and it’s a long drive to go see them, so his setup is a bit different. I usually go when we visit, but we don’t visit often for various reasons that I won’t hijack the thread with! We see much more of his DB and SIL and the niblings, they’re closer, but we have to keep quiet to PIL about that or they’d be offended Confused