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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

218 replies

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 08:43

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 11:32

@Bearsinmotion I suppose it’s an issue and a negative because I love my DH and my family and I hate tension. I wonder why my DM can’t be easier and my DH more tolerant.

@PinkWaferBiscuit No I don’t really subscribe to the taking a break school of thought. I believe that my DM deserves more and sometimes we just have to deal with difficult people

OP posts:
SequinnedShawl · 31/12/2021 11:32

As a child we had Christmas Day with family, aunts and uncles Boxing Day, grandparents wedding anniversary just after Christmas, Nan's birthday, aunt's birthday and then New Year's Eve party followed by New Year's Day lunch. Every event bar Christmas Day being the full extended family meal (20 of us)

It was hell. I hated it, just wanted to stay home and eat toast! Sad

FruitMelange · 31/12/2021 11:32

I think he's a total dick for not supporting you

Why would OP need supporting in the bosom of her own family?

Original poster
merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 11:33

@Essexmate I think you are right Confused

OP posts:
Comtesse · 31/12/2021 11:34

So it seems like you think your mum’s feelings are more important than your husband’s feelings? Why is that? Why should she get to call the shots?

Whinge · 31/12/2021 11:37

I wonder why my DM can’t be easier and my DH more tolerant

You want you DH to be more tolerant of someone who has drunken outbursts towards them? Shock

I believe that my DM deserves more and sometimes we just have to deal with difficult people

You can believe that all you want, but that doesn't mean your DH has to agree with you. He's allowed to step back and limit the time he spends with difficult people

whynotwhatknot · 31/12/2021 11:37

my dh doesnt always come to our family gatherings its up to him-if my mil was drunk and obnoxious i wouldnt bother with her much either

PinkWaferBiscuit · 31/12/2021 11:39

No I don’t really subscribe to the taking a break school of thought. I believe that my DM deserves more and sometimes we just have to deal with difficult people

You don't owe her anything though. Just because she's your mum doesn't mean you need to take her crap and put up with her behaviour. I find that much odder than the idea your DH is unreasonable for not attending every meal with someone who doesn't actually like or respect him.

problembottom · 31/12/2021 11:41

I think your DH is completely in the right.

My family is loud and raucous and have had a big gathering most days this Christmas. DP has work so he dips in and out, we did a day with his family, then there's one of the BILs who is quiet and finds us a bit much so he doesn't come to everything. No-one gets offended.

DP's family are the opposite to mine and a day spent with them is a long, dry day complete with many monologues about people I don't know. DP fully respects my right to go for a little lie down if needed.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 31/12/2021 11:41

He's entitled to stay at home. Especially as he's hosted and seen your family plenty recently.

Although to avoid upset and hurt I'd have probably come up with an excuse rather than say it's because he's had too much of your family!

We see my parents weekly, often multiple times a week and thankfully my partner has never said he doesn't want to see them. He will occasionally make himself scarce but always comes up with a friendly excuse (need to mow lawn, check in on a friend, do bedtime etc).

Did you tell your sister he's had too much of them?

icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 11:44

[quote merrygoround51]@Bearsinmotion I suppose it’s an issue and a negative because I love my DH and my family and I hate tension. I wonder why my DM can’t be easier and my DH more tolerant.

@PinkWaferBiscuit No I don’t really subscribe to the taking a break school of thought. I believe that my DM deserves more and sometimes we just have to deal with difficult people[/quote]
But it's not your DH's job to be tolerant of a drunk that's prone to outbursts.

Just because you choose to deal with her and not take a break, doesn't mean he's obliged to do the same.

Almost2022 · 31/12/2021 11:46

Your mother sounds awful Op. Your DH shouldn't have to tolerate her behaviour.

GiveOverIrene · 31/12/2021 11:49

I think he's a total dick for not supporting you. why does OP require 'support' to spend time with her family? OP has mentioned 'support' too, it's an odd word to use in this context. I generally see my family without my DH. I see them out of duty, I don't expect him to. They don't organise do's though, and I go during the week. I don't need any support to do this, I'm a grown up.

Bearsinmotion · 31/12/2021 11:50

*But it's not your DH's job to be tolerant of a drunk that's prone to outbursts”

This. If you love your DH why do you expect him to put up with more abusive behaviour when he’s already spent two days doing it? I suspect your DH would like you to be more supportive of him in front of your family and stop prioritising your mum’s feelings over his.

unname · 31/12/2021 11:50

Many mixed messages here from you. You wrote you are ok with it at first, then later that you think it’s rude.

You wrote that she’s difficult, alcohol issues, etc but then that it’s the one issue in your marriage.

Your DH has done his duty for these holidays. I wonder why you expect him to go along and just be uncomfortable?

Have you thought about counseling to manage your feelings around your mother’s behavior and why you think everyone else should just go along and put up with it?

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/12/2021 11:50

He's being a bit rude but they are OTT by being 'disgusted'

toomuchlaundry · 31/12/2021 11:58

Your DM doesn’t sound easy. I would be supporting my DH in this scenario, especially if a lot of her behaviour is alcohol driven

saleorbouy · 31/12/2021 12:01

Why are your family disgusted, it's an invite not an obligation to attend and he's already done a fair old stint with the in-laws.
Better he's cheerful in his own company than grumpy at a family do.
Maybe he wants to socialise with his own family or friends!

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2021 12:09

How was the message that he wouldn’t be coming relayed to them?

Was it told in a breezy way or saying he’s a bit knackered or had other plans or whatever or was it said in a way they took offence to?

LaurenKelsey · 31/12/2021 12:14

@Mrsjayy

Mumsnet seems to be full of introverts who can only cope with so much so you are getting the answers you want. Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!
I’m happy to be an introvert and avoid large “real world” gatherings with people who believe that I “can’t cope”.
toomuchlaundry · 31/12/2021 12:16

I’m quite happy to avoid social situations when I am subject to drunken outbursts

TokyoDreaming · 31/12/2021 12:24

Your DH is in the right and you need to get over it as do your family.

unname · 31/12/2021 12:30

[quote Sometimeswinning]@merrygoround51 I think you're the person I feel more for on this thread. Your dh has been called a hero(!!!??Confused) #team dh has started, mental health has been mentioned.

I think he's a total dick for not supporting you. I think your family should accept what you are saying and save their disgust for him!

You do what you want and make that your new years resolution![/quote]
This is a ridiculous comment. It's not a funeral an an important life event, where the OP needs "support". It's a New Years Eve gathering. It's supposed to be fun, not forced participation.

Why would you tell the OP she should "Do what you want." but think everyone else should do what others want them to do?

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2021 12:40

It does sound like you don’t have his back much or able to stand up to your family. It doesn’t need to be confrontational, just assertively saying that he’s not able to come but you guys will have a great time anyway or whatever. The decision has been made, let’s crack on and have a good time.

You seem to be prioritising your mum. It’s not like he’s not seen them at all. The decision has been made, it is what it is, if she’s so upset then maybe she should try and be kinder.

He has tolerated them.

I do suspect that they are upset because of how that have been told he’s not coming though…

WhatScratch · 31/12/2021 12:42

’It’s more drunken behaviour which to be honest is hard to take for all of us’
’My DH not attending is probably the only censure she has had on this. She raised us mainly alone so we tend to cut her a lot of slack’

When I saw the first post I wondered if it was that kind of situation. All the family that grew up with the person’s behaviour minimise or ignore it and expect any partners to do the same.