To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

[merrygoround51]

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

‘Disgusted’ is a hell of an overreaction. Who the hell do these people think they are?

Ok well I hadn’t, but I have now read the whole thread.

Your H husband hosted your family over Christmas, doesn’t get on with your mother because she has nasty drunken outbursts, outbursts which you kids ignore because she raised you alone, and you dip in and out of seeing your H’s family whenever there’s events on his side…. Right.

Team DH all the way here!

I can’t bear grown adults losing control and getting pathetically drunk so if I was your DH, I’d probably swerve visiting your mother permanently.

I think you’re very lucky that he was willing to host her at yours, to be honest. Anyone who can’t hold their tongue/alcohol intake wouldn’t be welcome in my home.

It sounds like you’ve accepted her poor behaviour for too long and see it as something to be tolerated when it clearly shouldn’t be. I hope you’re not exposing children to this atmosphere too and pretending it’s all ok?

It sounds like he has tolerated them plenty, but he’s reached his limit. It’s not unreasonable to want to spend one notable date over the holiday period without being in the company of unpleasant people you’re expected to tolerate.

You’ve been trained since childhood to pacify your mother, whereas your husband feels no such obligation. The obligation isn’t yours either OP, but it is of course hard to overcome conditioning.

You guys do what works for you!! My DH loves my family but sometimes it all gets too much even for him so I leave him at home - recently on one of those occasions my cousin asked if my marriage was ok 😂😂 I just laughed.

Don't let your families views creep in - if you are happy to have him bail out of this one then do it! Better to let him have a break and feel refreshed rather than resentful x

Glad I've read all through the thread as I do think the information you added later makes a big difference.

Having read all the thread, I am with your dh. It does seem he has done more than his fair share of "grin and bear it" for this week.
I reckon I am pretty sociable, I love to chat, and I don't have a "difficult" MiL, but we tend to limit Christmas week to one get together with my side of the family and one with his, which all of us go to. I can't understand why you would inflict him having to host your (as you say 'difficult') mother on him both on Christmas day and on Christmas Eve - even less so why you say she drinks too much.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to not have to "tolerate" he again this weekend.

It’s fair enough, but people think differently about this - an excuse would have been more tactful.

Another one who is with the DH here. He ha already put up with it once this holiday and he doesn't need to put up with it again.

OP, you need to have a word with your sister and make it clear that this is about your mother's behaviour and that you support him. Perhaps you (the children) need to try and do something about tackling that behaviour rather than allowing yourselves to be adjuncts to the abusive behaviour by trying to shame others for having boundaries.

Absolutely with the DH here.

I would be even if your family were lovely - 3 big family events in a week would be too much for me personally - but it sounds like he's got more than enough reason.

@Luredbyapomegranate I think the OP gave an excuse rather than saying DH had had enough of the family

In the nicest possible way, op, you’re being a dick. And you’re not supporting your husband. Why would he want to be around a drunk who explodes at him? Why, in fact, do you? Are your children seeing all of this too?

One of my parents is a drunk. I get it. But you are utterly defending the hideousness of your mother’s behaviour and saying your husband should support you by being abused by your mother! Give yourself a wobble. He’s being super supportive by hosting and attending as he has. You’re lucky he’s doing that much because frankly, I wouldn’t expect my partner to put up with that crap from my parent, and I would do everything I could to protect him from having to be on the receiving end of that behaviour.

Has your mother always been this way? Have you had counselling? Sounds to me like you’ve been trained to feel sorry for her as she martyrs herself and behaves like an ass.

I feel like this thread is a huge wake up call to OP that they have all been putting up with behaviours that should have been called out.

@merrygoround51 why do you keep saying 'I don't have a problem with him not coming' when you also said but I’m afraid that I do find my DH refusing rude but there is very little I can do other than force him to attend. In an otherwise good marriage, this is our main issue.

If you don't think it's a problem how isnit also the main issue.

He has spent time with your mother. He hasn't refused.

Why do you keep saying your mum deserves better? She deserves to demand your husband attend everything she wants him too? She deserves to be allowed to have drunken outbursts and insert herself into your marriage.....because she brought you up?

My mum was a single parent, I have been a single parent. My kids are not obliged to put up with poor behaviour than me, because I brought them up

That's the job I took on when I had them. I didn't expect to do it alone, but I did. But I still don't behave how I want and expect them to dance to my tune.

Simple facts are that you and your siblings are enabling your mother's poor behaviour. You are putting your dh last by expecting him to dance to her tune too as and when she pleases and as often as she pleases.

@LoveaStatementNap You are probably right in that my DM has always martyred herself.
She is someone with a very good side also - caring etc and certainly isn’t always drunk at events. But the times she has been drunk have been difficult to manage

@merrygoround51 I’m sorry to hear that. I understand that it’s tough. My father was wonderful when he wasn’t drunk. And addiction is a horrible thing to battle. But excusing the behaviour helps reinforce the addiction. There are no easy answers but it’s not your husband who is at fault. I would perhaps consider reading around adult children of alcoholics online. See if some of it helps you. If this is from childhood there’s going to be a lot that’s buried.

[quote merrygoround51]@LoveaStatementNap You are probably right in that my DM has always martyred herself.
She is someone with a very good side also - caring etc and certainly isn’t always drunk at events. But the times she has been drunk have been difficult to manage[/quote]
Most people with drink problems are also lovely. I suspect if you explored this more, you and your siblings experienced what would now classed as abuse growing up.

Her being a single parent isn't an excuse to be rude to your husband have drunken outbursts. She isn't owed that. You are enabling her poor behaviour and she has you believing it should be overlooked because she brought you up.

But you are also enabling her to abuse your dh. Which isn't ok.

What was your response when they told you they were 'disgusted' with him?

@AlDanvers I just said that was ridiculous but my DMs reaction was to immediately say the whole thing was being cancelled because DH wasn’t attending

[quote merrygoround51]@AlDanvers I just said that was ridiculous but my DMs reaction was to immediately say the whole thing was being cancelled because DH wasn’t attending[/quote]
And how did you respond to that?

That's her trying to manipulate you and your husband into bending to her will and going.

You now thinking him not going leaves a bad taste and is a negative in your marriage, means its working.

The problem in your marriage isn't your dhs attitude to your mum. It's your mum and your attitude to her and the situation. To paraphrase a mumsnet popular phrase, your dh has a DW problem.

I said that was her call but either way he wasn’t coming.

God, your family and your thrall to them while always looking at your dh as the issue is awful.
I don't think they could ever do anything that he could respond to in a way that you wouldn't then find a way to blame him?

@merrygoround51

I said that was her call but either way he wasn’t coming.

Then keep saying that to yourself now and don't let it colour your view of your dh.

[quote merrygoround51]@AlDanvers I just said that was ridiculous but my DMs reaction was to immediately say the whole thing was being cancelled because DH wasn’t attending[/quote]
That's very dramatic, manipulative and downright silly. Sounds like she takes this as a personal rejection, one she doesn't cope with very well.
Why does she want him there anyway, if they don't get on?

I've got adult children @merrygoround51. At times I was a single parent, they are aware it was sometimes very tough. That doesn't mean I get a free pass to act badly, or that they have to be grateful for my hard work and sacrifice. I chose to have them, I'm the one whose thankful.

Your DH isn't the problem.