Page 8 | To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

merrygoround51 · 2021-12-31T08:43:38+00:00

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

saraclara · 31/12/2021 21:50

The excuse I gave was believable

So why are they disgusted?

You said earlier that you both see them weekly for lunch. So every single week your DH is obliged to see/host a woman who dislikes him, gets drunk, makes life difficult for him, and generally is prone to behaving badly. The man's a bloody saint!

He's done two days of Christmas with them. Give him a break. He doesn't make you do the whole week with his family in summer. You get to choose whether to or not. So let him have a day off.

You're prepared to put up with your mum's nonsense because she's your mum. She's not his mum. There are limits to what he has to put up with. Not to mention the fact that she clearly treats you better than she treats him.

Mydogmylife · 31/12/2021 21:52

[quote merrygoround51]@AlDanvers I just said that was ridiculous but my DMs reaction was to immediately say the whole thing was being cancelled because DH wasn’t attending[/quote]
Emotional blackmail by your DM

tigger1001 · 31/12/2021 22:07

[quote merrygoround51]@Bearsinmotion I suppose it’s an issue and a negative because I love my DH and my family and I hate tension. I wonder why my DM can’t be easier and my DH more tolerant.

@PinkWaferBiscuit No I don’t really subscribe to the taking a break school of thought. I believe that my DM deserves more and sometimes we just have to deal with difficult people[/quote]
In our personal lives we don't have to deal with difficult people - we choose to. Or we choose not to. Here you are suggesting that your husband should just get in with it and you are allowing your mum to get away with being "difficult". If she isn't challenged it will not change. She may not change even if challenged but nobody has to deal with that if they don't want to.

I think your husband has done well and personally I wouldn't be going to yet another family gathering in the space of a week with someone who was "difficult". Personally they would be lucky if I was in their company once a year if they had outbursts towards me. Life is frankly too short to tolerate that.

kennycat · 01/01/2022 17:31

You are very considerate, he’s lucky to have you. It’s true he’s done enough with your family. I would make an excuse to your family tbh. Like he had covid symptoms! They can’t argue with that…

Redshell · 01/01/2022 17:55

Your family don’t get to have a view, they aren’t married to him. Don’t blame him at all and totally unreasonable for your family to expect it of him.

CatNoBag · 01/01/2022 17:57

My DH doesn't really enjoy social gatherings generally, so I appreciate that spending time with my (large) family is hard work for him, with the addition of him having learnt the language we speak as an adult but struggling a bit to follow lively conversations in a big group. When we see them we are visiting and staying with my parents, possibly with another sibling and family, and other siblings will also be around, so I would never be offended if he needed a bit of a break from it, and it can be a blessing as I don't have to worry about him and can just relax and enjoy my time with family.

Rtruth · 01/01/2022 17:59

I’m with your husband. There is certain amount of time to be spent with family. Let him have a rest.

noirchatsdeux · 01/01/2022 18:00

You don't negotiate with terrorists - and that's what your mother is, an emotional terrorist.

Your husband is under no obligation to spend ANY time with an abusive drunk.

Your mother doesn't get a free pass to be an abusive drunk because she was a single mother.

Support your husband, get some backbone and tell your mother to fuck off with her shit.

Subbaxeo · 01/01/2022 18:07

I feel sorry for your husband. He does his duty to you and you see it as an issue. As long as he doesn’t stop you going to see your family, he’s not doing anything wrong. Feel free to indulge your mother’s behaviour from a place of loyalty and being grateful for raising you but why should he? Cut him some slack too.

Madamum18 · 01/01/2022 18:08

My question would be ...are YOU going because you want to or because you feel you have to or to keep the peace? Wouldn't it be nice to just have NY for your own little family unit?

If you want to go then I think you have to accept that he has had enough after xmas which seems fair enough to me. And your mum just has to accept that she cant manipulate what happens ...your response to her was a good one

JFM27 · 01/01/2022 18:15

Thats one thing i dont regret being single for is partners relatives. Im an
an only child from a very small family my lovely parents are both dead i hsrdly knew my dads family,have 2 cousins on my mums side,one lives in Spain rarely hear from, her sister i often talk to on FB she lives 30 miles away.i know 3 of their children but we are not close and have never met their grown up grandkids.could pass them in street and wouldnt know them

Id just find it weird to have to traill around to a partners relatives just wouldnt want to.You dont necessarily like or want to spend time with partners relatives.

CountryMouse22 · 01/01/2022 18:20

@Mrsjayy

Mumsnet seems to be full of introverts who can only cope with so much so you are getting the answers you want. Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!

We all have different tolerances for socialising though. I'd feel the same as the poster's DH but others may relish a party every other day!

St0rmTr00per · 01/01/2022 18:24

My BIL comes to basically nothing, because my DM is hard work (very opinionated and rude without meaning to be). I respect that and would never ever try to force him. I wouldnt want him there ruining the atmosphere and my sister worrying about him wanting to leave etc. She can relax without him there. Theres no rift, we just understand he doesnt want to be there. He is actually the same with his own family and rarely visits them. He is lovely when we see him (at events at his house) but my sister and their children come alone to events.

St0rmTr00per · 01/01/2022 18:27

My DSis will often arrange a weeks family holiday somewhere and invite all my siblings and their families. I will ask whose coming and then often say if its too many people for me or only if we have our own lodges etc. I don't see it as rude, I see it as boundaries. I don't want to spend a week getting stressed because someone else is drunk by 4pm everyday or their kids being noisy at 5am or me/my child is annoying them.

Wiscowoman87 · 01/01/2022 18:37

DH has issues with social anxiety and lots of people and chatter. He comes with me when he can and when he can't, my immediate family back off.

Ideal? No - I'd love to have a partner who comes with me every time, but it is what it is and we deal with it.

Frankly, I have more fun when DH does not want to come with me - I can relax and not worry about him having a meltdown in the corner or him wanting to come home earlier than I do.

I've learned not to pressure him to do something social and it works for us both.

Would your family understand that, OP? Or are the jolly, pressuring types? (My dad's family were like that and it was really hard not buckle under their bullying, because that really is what it is.)

restingbitchface30 · 01/01/2022 18:54

Your husband has done well to attend what he has considering he doesn’t get on with your mother. I despise my in laws and so rarely go to anything.

JennyForeigner · 01/01/2022 20:28

Man, people are fragile. My family wouldn't (and couldn't) care less if DH dips out on an occasional basis. It's nice for me to see them alone every so often.

On the other hand, his family act as though not wanting part of another of Auntie Mabel's Interminable Internalized Misogyny and Church Teas violates seven biblical commandments. I know which approach I think is more grown-up.

wentworthinmate · 01/01/2022 22:25

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

An invitation is not a summons. Good on him for declining an event he doesnt want to attend, and good on you for having his back.

Not all of us want to socialise all the time.

Absolutely this. Good in him and you OP.

PeachyPeachTrees · 01/01/2022 22:30

For us, Christmas is for spending with family and NYE is for spending with friends.

Horst · 01/01/2022 22:43

Sounds like you have a Dm issue not a dh issue.

He has hosted your dm whose known to have drunken outbursts at him and your moaning his not doing enough because basically his all mummed out so is not going to one meal/get together.

Your dh doesn’t need to be more tolerant he already is by hosting someone who’s a nasty drunk for your sake.

Basket20 · 01/01/2022 23:17

If you said in your opening post "my DM tends to get drunk and abusive and is generaly hard work. I think it's totally normal and sure you have to deal with difficult people. My DH attended two events, hosting both and really made an effort but he doesn't have the mental energy to deal with my DM another time and so wants to step out and for me to go alone to the New years dinner. My difficult DM is very angry and I'm upset with DH AIBU.

You would have gotten very different responses for the first few pages. Give your DH a break.

Original poster

merrygoround51 · 01/01/2022 23:18

After the get together I am now very glad DH didn’t come, DM got messy again. This thread has actually been very helpful in terms of assisting me work through my response to DH/DM and recognising that given the circumstances he does as much as can be expected

OP posts:

saraclara · 01/01/2022 23:44

@merrygoround51

After the get together I am now very glad DH didn’t come, DM got messy again. This thread has actually been very helpful in terms of assisting me work through my response to DH/DM and recognising that given the circumstances he does as much as can be expected

I'm glad this thread helped

I'd say that he does more than should be expected though, to be honest. If a woman posted about having to accompany her DH to have lunch with a MIL who dislikes her and gets drunk regularly, everyone here would be telling her to put her foot down and refuse. That your DH still attends/hosts these lunches, still makes him almost saintly in my book.

Kite22 · 01/01/2022 23:45

@Basket20

If you said in your opening post "my DM tends to get drunk and abusive and is generaly hard work. I think it's totally normal and sure you have to deal with difficult people. My DH attended two events, hosting both and really made an effort but he doesn't have the mental energy to deal with my DM another time and so wants to step out and for me to go alone to the New years dinner. My difficult DM is very angry and I'm upset with DH AIBU.

You would have gotten very different responses for the first few pages. Give your DH a break.

Agreed

Mumsnet seems to be full of introverts who can only cope with so much so you are getting the answers you want. Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!

Oddly, I (and I suspect every poster) lives in "the real world". In my real world, the week or 10 days over Christmas is used for a combination of special time with our (house) family; seeing dh's extended family; seeing my extended family; seeing various friends - both as a family and individually; attending things that are special to us (Christmas Traditions); just relaxing and having a restful break from work; and some cleaning and tidying / putting decs away / getting ready to go back to work or school. That's a lot to fit into 10 days or so, so IME it is quite normal to not be expected to spend a 3rd day with just one side of the extended family.
I get on fine with all my in-laws, but I have other things to do as well. If they were hard work or rude or drank too much or offensive, then you'd be lucky to get me to take part in one, let alone the 2 OP's dh has already done.

Kite22 · 01/01/2022 23:46

Totally agree with Saraclara , I think your dh is a saint for the amount he does. From what ou have said he does more than can be expected.