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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not expect my DH to attend another family dinner

218 replies

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 08:43

Just that really. We spent Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family which DH hosted and attended cheerfully. Now my sister is hosting NY day and my DH is done with family events so isn’t coming. I am totally fine with this but my family are disgusted.

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 02/01/2022 00:28

I'd far rather have a DH send a "no, thank you, I will not be attending with DW, who will come on her own," than going under duress and throwing a wet towel over the meal. I've found that more men than women are very poor at disguising their real feelings in situations like that.

toomuchlaundry · 02/01/2022 00:35

@Mamanyt I think it is probably the drunk mother who throws a wet towel over the meal

Mamanyt · 02/01/2022 00:41

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Mamanyt I think it is probably the drunk mother who throws a wet towel over the meal[/quote]
Or the drunk uncle, or any number of others, but why add to it, dragging along someone who doesn't want to be there? I doubt he's the star of the party, anyway. If he were, he'd be going.

ESGdance · 02/01/2022 00:58

@merrygoround51

After the get together I am now very glad DH didn’t come, DM got messy again. This thread has actually been very helpful in terms of assisting me work through my response to DH/DM and recognising that given the circumstances he does as much as can be expected
I am glad that it gave you alternative perspectives to consider. It’s really not good to tolerate difficult/drunk people - it’s not good for you, for them or for your DCs to have a role model that absorbs and accommodates difficult people.
TheHamburgler · 02/01/2022 01:01

Well, if your DM is a messy, nasty drunk, she’s the biggest problem.

But if you’re whole family are truly ‘disgusted’ that he’s opted out of one meal, perhaps there’s an issue there too.

TheHamburgler · 02/01/2022 01:02

Or the drunk uncle, or any number of others, but why add to it, dragging along someone who doesn't want to be there? I doubt he's the star of the party, anyway. If he were, he'd be going.
Sorry I think I’ve missed something here - I thought it was just DM who was the nasty drunk?

NamechangeApril21 · 02/01/2022 01:17

@Mrsjayy

Mumsnet seems to be full of introverts who can only cope with so much so you are getting the answers you want. Back in the real world it is rude to say I'm done and not going no wonder your family are offended!
Maybe the extroverts in the "real world" drown out and don't listen to the introverts so it seems there aren't that many
MiddleClassProblem · 02/01/2022 01:17

I hope you are able to figure out a plan to deal with the real issue of your mum, either managing how you protect yourself from the outbursts or by working with your siblings. It sounds like she’s holding in to a lot of demons but has to acknowledge it to get help. Good luck @merrygoround51 Flowers

MissJAG · 02/01/2022 08:44

Honestly I feel very sorry for your husband. From the sounds of it your mother is volatile, unpredictable and rude to your DH. You shouldn’t expect your husband to enable your mother’s behaviour like everyone else does. I’d feel quite hurt if I were your husband and found out you were saying how rude I am for not attending yet another family function when I’d already attended two. Especially when it runs the risk your mother will get ‘messy’. In the nicest way possible you need therapy OP and need to straighten out your priorities, not a support group for women whose mothers and husbands don’t get along, It doesn’t sound like you have your husband’s back at all and in my opinion he’s done more than enough to ‘support’ you. He isn’t the problem here.

LessTime · 02/01/2022 09:28

You Mum sounds awful.

Bleachmycloths · 02/01/2022 09:42

It’s more than reasonable for him not to attend a third get together. 2 out of 3 is good. Your family are being VERY unreasonable to criticise him for it. They’ll just have to suck it up.

Londoncallingme · 02/01/2022 10:15

It would be polite to make a reasonable excuse rather than ‘I don’t like them enough to spend any more time with them’ but I can see his point.

ESGdance · 02/01/2022 11:33

@Londoncallingme

It would be polite to make a reasonable excuse rather than ‘I don’t like them enough to spend any more time with them’ but I can see his point.
She did exactly this and their reaction (not sure if it was just the DM) was that he was disgusting.

This bizarre and controlling emotional reaction to another human being explaining they have other plans says it all.

As PP said I do hope that @merrygoround51 can find some perspective to deal with her emotionally demanding DM - and also some support because being brought up in a difficult situation with a volatile parent where you as a child were taught to be compliant and indulge their nonsense will have left it’s mark on you.

uhohspaghettiohh · 02/01/2022 11:55

DH and I are like this. Spent Christmas Day and the 27th with his huge, loud family - who are all lovely but Christ the DC and I find it so overwhelming.

His sister was doing NY's day - DH had already presumed DC and I wouldn't go which he was fine with. DS may have gone.

These family events crammed into such a short space of time are a pain in the arse. I dread Christmas & NY for this very reason.

uhohspaghettiohh · 02/01/2022 11:56

Oh and DH's family are fine with it. I think your family's reaction is OTT.

Madamum18 · 02/01/2022 13:39

@merrygoround51

After the get together I am now very glad DH didn’t come, DM got messy again. This thread has actually been very helpful in terms of assisting me work through my response to DH/DM and recognising that given the circumstances he does as much as can be expected
It is good that the responses have helped you. I truly think you need to spend some time thinking about what you really want with your wider family, your responses to them and why you do what you do with and around them. Good luck Flowers
Mirw · 03/01/2022 12:03

I left my DP at home over Hogmanay and New Year to go to my dad's. I often visit my dad on my own and leave DP at home. Whatever you do has to work for both of you, but it is okay to leave Mr Grumpy at home when you visit your family even on holidays and high days. Family don't like it. Tough!!

EnigmaCat · 03/01/2022 19:23

@Mamanyt

I'd far rather have a DH send a "no, thank you, I will not be attending with DW, who will come on her own," than going under duress and throwing a wet towel over the meal. I've found that more men than women are very poor at disguising their real feelings in situations like that.
People pretending to be okay with others drunken bad behaviour helps to continue the dysfunctional dynamic.
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