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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

213 replies

Anonymous1238 · 29/12/2021 23:03

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2021 23:08

Another way of looking at it, is that he's doing a lovely job of making sure his son isn't feeling pushed out by his new family.
So many stories on here of absent fathers who forget their first childrens existence when they go on to have new families.
I remember when I had dd2 the realisation that whilst dd2 needed me physically, emotionally dd1 really really needed me then.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 29/12/2021 23:08

Congratulations! I remember when I had my second I was really worried that my first would feel pushed out or second best, and I probably even over compensated to make sure that that didn't happen. This may be where your partner is coming from I haven't voted as I don't think you are being unreasonable only because you aren't in his situation so maybe haven't seen it in this way

Coronawireless · 29/12/2021 23:09

I think many many dads spend more time with their older child(ren) when a new baby comes along. The mother has her hands full with the baby, especially if breastfeeding. Someone focusing on the older child frees her up to do this and have some time to herself too, while ensuring that the older child doesn’t feel sidelined. It’s pretty common and your DP is doing what he feels is right. As the baby grows older things will even out between the two children. Try not to take it personally and feel it’s because he prefers his son. Also try not to feel resentful towards your SS.

Original poster
Anonymous1238 · 29/12/2021 23:15

Yeah I don’t want to feel resentful and I can see he’s trying his best. It’s just every week is hard sometimes I don’t know what I thought would happen really. I really hope it evens out at some point. It’s been said that he did loads of night feeds and did loads for his son. I just feel like I do everything for our baby already then as soon as the weekend comes he’s just with his son. Even the first night we brought our baby home he didn’t sleep me me and our baby he was with his son.
Maybe I’m being sensitive it just hurts.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2021 23:19

Op - are you saying you thought on the first night the three of you should have slept in one room, with your 10 yr old step son on his own in another room? How do you think that would have made him feel?

PieMistee · 29/12/2021 23:22

DH was a bit similar with DS1 but soon changed when he got older. Babies don't notice as much as older kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2021 23:22

Did you discuss him sleeping with his son before your baby was born? Have you never shared a bed with your husband on the nights his son is there?

christmaskittenincoming · 29/12/2021 23:24

How long have you been together?

Glitterbells · 29/12/2021 23:26

If this was your son i don’t think you’d be questioning it.
When I had ds2, dp naturally had more of a role with the eldest whilst I was busy with newborn.

LethargicActress · 29/12/2021 23:28

You are being over sensitive, but that’s understandable when you’ve just had a baby.

Your DP is right to prioritise his son when he visits, he’s only there for a small proportion of the week. It isn’t that your dp prefers his older child, it’s just that a ten year old is easier for him to relate to and entertain. He probably feels much more confident parenting his ten year old than his baby, and even in a traditional family set up it wouldn’t be unusual for the Dad to to do more with the older children than the baby.

Original poster
Anonymous1238 · 29/12/2021 23:29

His son likes to be with his dad. He only sleeps in bed when he’s with his dad he doesn’t at his mums. His mum said he sleeps on his own there. He used to sleep in our room before our baby. We’ve been together just over a year. Like I said maybe I’m being sensitive. I just thought he would share more of the care especially at night but is
What it is I guess.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 29/12/2021 23:33

Where does the ss sleep? Do you get booted out of your bed? Or does your dh go into ss's room? The latter is maybe acceptable - the former definitely not!

How much does dh do with the baby when ss is not there? I'd be making sure he does significant time with the baby during the week and depending on how you are feeding maybe a night feed 1 night a week.

I'd focus on making sure dd gets some of his attention rather than on what ss gets.

Coronawireless · 29/12/2021 23:35

Your SS is in his last couple of years of being “little”. One day soon he won’t want to sleep in his dad’s bed any more or even hang out with him very much. But because of what your DP is doing now their relationship will be solid. Let them have this time and you enjoy the baby. Make sure you get breaks to sleep and rest though.

user1471457751 · 29/12/2021 23:35

Given you've only been together just over a year, it's quite a lot of upheaval for the boy. A new stepmother and half sibling in the space of a year, perhaps he is feeling insecure and anxious.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2021 23:37

So, you have a then, 9 year old boy. His dad gets a new girlfriend, immediately they move in together, and immediately a new baby is on the way. Far far far too much far far far too soon for a 9 year old to deal with. You all 3 share a room. On the day you come home with a new baby, you think the 10 year old boy should be kicked out of the room he's always slept in and essentially replaced with a new baby? How on Earth do you think that would make him feel?!?
No, op, you aren't being sensitive. You are being incredibly awful and unfair to a 10 yr old boy.

Coronawireless · 29/12/2021 23:37

And yes make sure dad does his share during the week.

AliveAndSleeping · 29/12/2021 23:38

How is he with the baby when your step son isn't around? Does he spend time with her and chip in then?

I wanted to echo what the others have said. Having a sibling enter your life suddenly is really, really hard on a child. The first child is basically suddenly dethroned and even though ultimately they'll hopefully be happy to have gained a sibling the initial period is painfully hard. It might be even harder for a step child who has to share his dad with a new family anyway.

I over compensate with dd so that she doesn't feel left out since we've had a baby. Dh pretty much spends all his time with DD (the older one) and very little with ds (the baby). I think it's fairly normal. Is your baby your first? In that case it might be slightly difficult to understand how difficult it is to see the older child having to go through this.

Also, I assume you want the kids to have a good relationship and for you daughter to have a loving and affectionate brother but that's only possible if he doesn't resent her or doesn't feel pushed out.

Why does the bed sharing trouble you so much? Do you need practical helP in the night? (If yes, I don't blame you. Nights with a baby can be crazy). If yes, then maybe you can discuss solutions for individual problems. if it's emotional support Thwt you need in the night rather than Practical hrlP then I'm sorry but I think ds Probably needs the support mOre.

Original poster
Anonymous1238 · 29/12/2021 23:41

That’s why I posted on this group just wanted opinions that was all. I’m not awful Thank you. I also have a child from a previous relationship who lives with us full time that is 8. They sleep in their own bed. I was only asking opinions

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 29/12/2021 23:41

You've been together a small
Proportion of time. This has a bad ending all over it!

Crunchymum · 29/12/2021 23:41

@Anonymous1238

His son likes to be with his dad. He only sleeps in bed when he’s with his dad he doesn’t at his mums. His mum said he sleeps on his own there. He used to sleep in our room before our baby. We’ve been together just over a year. Like I said maybe I’m being sensitive. I just thought he would share more of the care especially at night but is What it is I guess.
So you have a 4 month old and have been together just over a year?

Maybe your DP is trying to compensate for the fact your relationship has moved at an alarming pace? I mean you must have been several months pregnant when you first met "DSC" ?

Crunchymum · 29/12/2021 23:42

@Anonymous1238

That’s why I posted on this group just wanted opinions that was all. I’m not awful Thank you. I also have a child from a previous relationship who lives with us full time that is 8. They sleep in their own bed. I was only asking opinions
Jesus Hmm
Ibizafun · 29/12/2021 23:43

I actually do think he should be doing more with the baby during the week when his son isn't there; I can't see why he isn't.

I would tell him how you feel, but in a non confrontational way. Surely marriage is about communication? Surely he can't find offence in asking him to be more involved in his baby's life? Of course he's right to tread carefully with his older son, but I don't believe it's in anyones interest not to invest his time in his other child too.

Kite22 · 29/12/2021 23:49

I agree with everyone else.

But am also confused how you have a 4 month old if you have only been together just over a year, when you are both already parents of other dc, and you'd think therefore a little more cautious to commit to moving in, etc, let alone having a child ?

I am also a bit Hmm about a 10 yr old sleeping in your room all this time. I mean, I can see the first time to move him out wasn't as the baby arrived, but what was he doing in there, in the first place?

You say you are doing all the night feeds - is this because you are breastfeeding ?

christmaskittenincoming · 29/12/2021 23:51

Does your child and partners child have their own bedrooms in the house?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 23:53

When your son is 10 hopefully you'll be able to imagine what it might be like for him if you and his dad split up and when his dad met a new partner, she was pregnant within four months and he moved in with her.

I reckon you'd think he was being irresponsible and you'd worry your son would feel pushed out and confused. Can you not imagine that?

Your boyfriend has made some poor decisions when it comes to timescales, that will have affected his son and had the potential to damage his relationship with him.

He's trying to minimise the affect on his son. That's a good thing, no?

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