To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

[Anonymous1238]

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

What does your partner actually do for the baby?

When his son isn't there is he spending any time with the baby? Are you getting a break at all?

If hes doing nothing I would focus on that more than on him preferring his son over the baby.

@arethereanyleftatall

Op - are you saying you thought on the first night the three of you should have slept in one room, with your 10 yr old step son on his own in another room? How do you think that would have made him feel?

The son is 10, which is surely old enough to be in a room by himself?

@Anonymous1238

Thank you for comments. I love my older child and SS. It’s just the bed sharing situation that makes things hard sometimes. They all have own rooms. I got told DP doted on his son from day 1 by family I guess I just thought it would be the same with ours. Of course I don’t want any of our kids pushed out and yes in a way we have moved fast, neither of our kids are jealous though. But they were our choices and i haven’t included lots of background as didn’t think it was all needed. Maybe I should have just phrased differently. It’s the bed sharing I find difficult. I miss my partner. I have been struggling with mental health it’s good to know what people really think. Maybe I shouldn’t post any of my thoughts another time

The self pity in this is astounding. You sound like a brave little martyr.

@arethereanyleftatall

Op - are you saying you thought on the first night the three of you should have slept in one room, with your 10 yr old step son on his own in another room? How do you think that would have made him feel?

Surely many ten year olds can do this ? Aside from the timeline aspect, why is this thread full of posters who think it's odd that the op would prefer her husband in bed with her ? My three year old sleeps in her own bed ! I would find it very strange if my husband was in with an older child rather than helping with a newborn.

@arethereanyleftatall.
Well presumably the dd slept in her own room.
Children are not china ornaments.
I have a 7 year gap between my two.
Never occurred to me that my older dc should be allowed in our bed with me, dh and new baby.
I was more envious that dc got a good nights sleep.

I'm going to go against the grain slightly and say that whilst he should be making his son feel as loved you shouldn't be doing all the care of the baby!

He has another child now who also needs his time. It's amazing that he's such a great dad to DS1 but DD needs him too.

So you met him, fell pregnant immediately and have moved in together. That’s a massive upheaval for both children to get used to. If your partners son has been used to having his dad to himself and is now having to get used to a whole new “family” then it’s understandable he will be clingy

@MWNA What a nasty thing to say to OP! (Or at least a nasty way of wording it!)

She doesn't sound like a martyr. She sounds like a mother who's wary to say anything for fear of seeing like 'that step mum' who tries to get in between the bond of her DP and his son. She is likely shattered from doing all the night feeds on her own and caring for baby mostly alone.

I think the problem here is probably the massive change in the boy's life in the last year. You appeared in his life, pregnant, suddenly living in his dad's house. He didn't have time to get used to you, let alone a baby.

I think your partner is probably still learning to balance that out.

I wouldn't kick his son out into his own room now. His dad should have done that previously. Now it would just make you the evil stepmum!

He shouldn't be sharing a bed with his son... I'm not sure why some of the replies are making this ok. Especially when his mother has said he sleeps fine on his own at her house.

I think it's nice he is making an effort to make sure SS feels included in the family but it should be something you both are doing together as a family for all children involved. Not DH making a huge effort with only one child.

Just in response to a previous comment. No of course I don’t think OPs 8yo would want to share a bed with step dad but it wasn’t very clear on the sleeping situation. It sounded as if OP, partner and stepson shared a room and the 8yo was in there own which may make them feel left out. The step son is 10 and shouldn’t need to share a bed with dad but that is just my opinion.

Of course I don’t want any of our kids pushed out and yes in a way we have moved fast, neither of our kids are jealous though

Don’t underestimate the impact on the older children.
They may look like they are fine but children are very adept at hiding their true feelings esp when they see how their parents maybe under stress or exhausted (in this case maybe more your DD than SS).
You and your partner need to overcompensate, for the situation that you have both created, to make them feel secure and loved and this does not equate to spoiling them.

Think of it from your DD’s perspective- she is 6/7 years old, a new man becomes a major part of her mum’s life, he brings a son that is older, he starts taking on a parenting role and moves into the family home, then a new baby comes and takes her mum’s attention.
Where is your daughter’s safe place where she can feel relaxed and just be without having to accommodate everyone else’s needs.

Your new baby does not need your bf - feeding and sleeping is her need but yes, he does need to help with nappy changes and other household chores l.
Your SS loves the security of sharing a bed with his dad - our kids still love sharing a bed with one of us in turn and they are a similar age.
You need to make sure your DD feels equally secure.

Just to add, people (I include myself in this) are quick to push kids into growing up - they should sleep in their own room etc. And yes, of course, this should be established but as long as it works for you both, there is nothing wrong with a 10 year old wanting to share a bed with their parent every so often - they just want to be close to you. I have to remind myself, that they won’t be wanting do this when they are 18 and I will miss it.

I think there are two separate issues.. it's good that he doesn't want his son to feel left out. But it's not good he doesn't do any night feeds and there is absolutely no excuse for that especially as his son isnt there all the time. There is also no excuse for not spending any one on one time with his baby

yes in a way we have moved fast, neither of our kids are jealous though. But they were our choices

Well they're not likely to verbalise to you "we are jealous" because that's not how kids work. They show you in other ways. Like being very clingy and needing to sleep with their parent. You have both made very poor choices for your children and now you're finding there are issues. Ignoring that and focusing on one symptom (the bed sharing) is not going to solve it.

It's irrelevant that PPs have children who sleep alone. Presumably their children haven't been launched into a very intense new family situation with no consideration given to their emotional well-being by the adults involved.

My friend really successfully has a blended family: she encourages the older siblings to care for the baby I.e helping with baths and changes. They like picking clothes and gifts.
She praises them a lot for being good step siblings to each other and the baby.
She ensures they have alone time with each child and do something which interests that particular child.
She has formed a friendship with their mum and they use a parenting app to make sure everyone knows where everyone should be.
She speaks respectfully about their mum and step dad.
She checks in with the kids regularly to make sure they’re happy.
She has really got to know her step kids and treats them no different to her own.
She has worked her arse off and she and her partner have had negotiate a lot. You can do this but you need some very clear conversations first.

I was in a similar situation to you (me and my DH were together a bit longer though and I have no children from a previous relationship).

At the start, DSS needed a lot of assurance. (He was 7 when I had the baby and his parents split when he was 2 - we got together when he was 5). I was the first girlfriend his dad had introduced him to. When I had my baby, DH was involved but found it much harder to get involved with the baby on an emotional level (he did help out a lot when I needed it but it was the emotional level that bothered me). It was just easier for him to focus on DSS when he was here.

I had the same worries as you but as baby got older and more 'interesting' he and DSS took more of an interest and now they are all as thick as thieves. I do think this might be the same thing and honestly I don't blame you for feeling like you do - you have just had a baby and your hormones are everywhere. Be kinder to yourself and maybe speak to your partner about how you feel he needs to be more involved with your baby.

Your baby won't notice but SS will, your DP is right in ensuring he is helped to adjust.

To be honest, I think that you are being unreasonable, but you have a lot on your plate, so it is understandable.

Tbh, I much prefer older kids to newborns (and I did even when I had one baby and one older child, it's just that I was stuck with the baby because he was little and defenceless and needed my love and care all the time - I missed my older one so much when she was out and about with DH, who was doing a brilliant job keeping her entertained when I couldn't). If your DP finds it easier with the older ones, that would be understandable, esp if you are bf, so there is less he can do anyway.

If your DS was the only one, I am sure DP would be besotted and at your side all the time. But he isn't - it simply isn't comparable to the situation your DP was in when he had his first DS. You can't neglect the older kids, who he already has a bond with. The bond with the baby will come - my DH barely had any with my second for ages as he was entertaining number one, but they are awesome now at nearly a year.

This is your second for both of you, so neither of you have been pulled in two directions in the same way before. With a second (or third etc), the baby dynamic can be tricky if you have one at a different stage. You often divide and (attempt to) conquer and it can feel like everyone's life has been made worse and you don't see your partner much for a while. It does pass, you just need to try to find ways to keep everyone inside the circle where you can as much as possible.

You will find your rhythm. Have a hug. It will get better.

OP, I think it's a temporary thing. He's probably trying to not make his DS feel left out. He probably also feels guilty spending the majority of his time with a new baby and your DC that he smothers his DS a little more than usual.

I'm sure once the baby starts to interact more as he grows your DP will show more of an interest. Sometimes when all they do is feed,
Sleep, smile, repeat it's not as fun as an older child who can join in most things.

It'll get better

We’ve been together just over a year
So you decided to have a baby before you even knew really knew each other. Any consideration given to the existing children now having a practical stranger involved full time in their lives?
Poor kids.

"In a way" you've moved fast??

In every way you've moved fast! And you moved a relative stranger in with your young daughter.

You've both been really irresponsible tbh.

No wonder dss is “clingy.” Not sure when his parents split up, but in a very very very short amount of time he has had to come to terms with his parents’ divorce, swiftly moving in with a woman and child he does not know, and then a baby is thrown into the mix. No one in that house knows each other!