To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

[Anonymous1238]

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

@noworklifebalance

So many PPs are talking of fairness from the parents’ perspective and sharing of parenting/workload. It should be fairness in terms of meeting a child’s needs, which will be different for a 4 month old, 8 year old and 10 year old compounded by the latter two having had unstable home lives for the past year at least. Perhaps the past year has not been as bad as we all have interpreted it to be (I hope).

It's perfectly healthy and appropriate to consider the needs of parents of newborns alongside the needs of the child. No childs need should be for their parent to not support the a mother who has just had a baby.

@Overthinkingx3

Equality - let’s think about that for a mo

Does mean that parents share themselves and their resources equally … so three kids amd a partner get a quarter each

Or does it mean that the parents divvy themselves up to meet the demands and needs equally, even though some Maynard more support at a point in time, and less at others - due to being poorly, a baby , teen troubles ..

Do we tell a mum who is breastfeeding and the main care giver that she HAS to divide her baby care with husband, even though she loves having baby on her hip and husband is better with the older child who is autistic.

People here have no common sense … families have to make things work and equality of needs met isn’t the same as effort doled out

But this isn't working is it.... That's the fucking issue.

*Do we tell a mum who is breastfeeding and the main care giver that she HAS to divide her baby care with husband, even though she loves having baby on her hip and husband is better with the older child who is autistic.

People here have no common sense … families have to make things work and equality of needs met isn’t the same as effort doled out*

The lack of common sense here is equating a woman saying she feels unsupported and like she's left to do everything with women who actively want to live with their baby on their hip and receive no help from their husband.

Rarely do we tell mothers who feel as OP does that they should not receive more support from their partners, nor should we. And yet here, because the older child is a step child..m

This is true
There’s so much to unpack

The OP needs to not compare - baby’s needs may not be the same as dSS needs, but that’s doesn’t take away her one needs , or baby

It is common for many families to divide and conquer when they have multiple children / jobs / responsibility… not everything goes down the line same same - but everyone needs to feel equally valid and respected …

DP and dSS need support to broaden their horizons so that they can feel close to others, as a family amd not just rely on each other
And this will allow the OP to feel supported - baby too

Op talks a lot about jealousy … but the relationship between parent and baby doesn’t happen overnight

Yes - DP needs to support her now , but not everyone bonds on day1 … and many fathers find it easier once their child is past tollderhood

Relationships evolve and many mums sacrifice years to their babies , only for them to grown up and find their absent fathers more interesting, balanced

It’s not all over yet . The baby is only 4 months old
The dad can still develop a lovely relationship
And DSS is soon to be a horrible teen

Things will change with the little ones

But mum can ask for help and that will be interesting revelation time

This thread makes me sad. I’m sad for baby and mother. I’m also sad that so many people think it’s ok to neglect one child in favour of another.

some dads tend to prefer the stage when they can interact with their child more. This is such a poor excuse for people not bothering with babies. You don't really get much back from newborns which I suspect is partly the issue. Usually mothers don't get to just swan off with the older child as they're left with the relentless nappy changes, feeding and sleepless nights. We need to stop making excuses for poor behaviour.

@HeckyPeck

I can't believe that anyone thinks this man is a good father.

He does no parenting for his baby. What a shining example of fatherhood 🙄

Well he's not. But the OP is hardly covering herself in glory either. It takes her about five posts before she casually mentions that she also has an older child who she's moved in with a bloke she barely knows (and had a baby with).

This is such a poor excuse for people not bothering with babies. You don't really get much back from newborns which I suspect is partly the issue. Usually mothers don't get to just swan off with the older child as they're left with the relentless nappy changes, feeding and sleepless nights. We need to stop making excuses for poor behaviour.

Agreed. All the people saying "well babies are boring, he might be interested in them later when they're more fun" sound like they're talking about a sibling, not a father. He doesn't get the choice and it's an appalling excuse.

Yes @Clymene because it wasn't relevant to the thread or what the op wanted advice on.

I think if any child is being neglected, it's the OPs daughter. The baby has the OP, the boy has his father, but what support is the daughter getting?

Sure, if OP needs support with the baby, feeds, nappies, bath etc then he most definitely needs to step up.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes *@Clymene* because it wasn't relevant to the thread or what the op wanted advice on.

Of course it's relevant. She's had a baby with a man she hardly knows. I mean he sounds crap but she's taken an enormous risk and it's not paid off.

Of course it's relevant. She's had a baby with a man she hardly knows. I mean he sounds crap but she's taken an enormous risk and it's not paid off.

Oh Dear God, what help does it do to keep banging on about this now? Other than to make people like you feel morally superior?

They have the baby now and they are coparenting, they need practical advice.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Yes *@Clymene* because it wasn't relevant to the thread or what the op wanted advice on.

It’s very relevant.

It explains why the son is so clingy and needs his dads attention so much.

It shows neither adult actually know each other.

It shows everyone in the situation has had a massive amount of change to deal with over the last year.

It suggests little consideration has been made of the impact on the two older children of all the changes. They are just expected to get on with it.

Of course it's relevant. She's had a baby with a man she hardly knows. I mean he sounds crap but she's taken an enormous risk and it's not paid off.

Ah so it's all her fault. Have you got any constructive advice or have you just fine here to stick the boot in?

@sirzy it's not what she asked about though is it?

Have you got any constructive advice?

The constructive advice has been given and ignored.

But without knowing the full picture then the advice will differ won’t it. Circumstances will always impact upon the best advice. You can’t really think if they had been married for 8 years the advice would be the same as if they have been together for such a small space of time?

The situation is what it is though. The last year can’t be changed but moving forward the adults need to work together to find the best way of ensuring all children are getting what they need. That may mean it’s best for the children if the op and her partner don’t live together that’s for them to work out.

@Sirzy

The constructive advice has been given and ignored.

But without knowing the full picture then the advice will differ won’t it. Circumstances will always impact upon the best advice. You can’t really think if they had been married for 8 years the advice would be the same as if they have been together for such a small space of time?

Ultimately, yes. Separately from the older two children, parents of a newborn should both be doing their part for them. They need to do this on top of whatever they need to do to support their older children, not pick which they'd rather do.

It sounds like there's 2 related but essentially separate issues here.

1. should he be pulling his weight with his new child? Of course.

2. is it bad that he is keen to spend time with his DS and at time prioritise his wellbeing as this is a huge amount of upheaval in a short space of time? No.

It can't be changed now but the fact you haven't known eachother long does of course have an impact on how things are panning out and how best to try and resolve it so all parties are content.

If the 8 years old is sleeping in own bed then the 10 years old should be too. I don't agree with co sleeping with children when they are in double digits especially as this child sleeps alone when at his Mum's. I would ask DH at what age will he not sleep with D's. It sounds very odd to me. Surely he should sleep with you.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Of course it's relevant. She's had a baby with a man she hardly knows. I mean he sounds crap but she's taken an enormous risk and it's not paid off.

Ah so it's all her fault. Have you got any constructive advice or have you just fine here to stick the boot in?

My advice is for the OP to move out because this situation sounds like a mess for all the children involved.

You can't make someone be a decent father.

I don’t think OP is coming back to be honest. I hope she is OK.

@noworklifebalance

So many PPs are talking of fairness from the parents’ perspective and sharing of parenting/workload. It should be fairness in terms of meeting a child’s needs, which will be different for a 4 month old, 8 year old and 10 year old compounded by the latter two having had unstable home lives for the past year at least. Perhaps the past year has not been as bad as we all have interpreted it to be (I hope).

This!

The OP has to move out now how is that helpful, affordable or going to rectify damage already done to everybody?
What ridiculous advice.

Sorry op. Yabu. If your still has been sleeping with his dad all this time he isn't going to magically stop because you had a baby. I understand its difficult for you but if your baby was the ss in this you would be happy he is being loved and cared for when a big change has happened. Especially as its still a new elatioship with a new baby. It's not easy for kids especially that quickly. I know from personal experience but as the child. Both my oarents moved on very quickly. My mum moved her new boyfriend in to our house and made my dad sleep on the sofa. And I was left to it. I was a bit younger than your ss. And then they had a baby. Divorced and went through it again a few years later but this time her dh was abusive towards us. So what I'm trying to say is, no its not ideal. But you can see he is a good father and he's doing the best thing he can for your situation which is make sure ss is OK. Because these things can effect a child. Unless you have been through something yourself its hard to understand.