To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

[Anonymous1238]

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

[lljkk]

Oh FFS, sodding Daily Wail.

[lljkk]

I wouldn't say yanbu but... allow that your DH has had 10 years of history with his older lad. 10 yrs >>> 4 months. Give it time.

And 10 yr olds ARE much more fun than ickle babies. It's just where they are. If the 10 yr old doesn't resent the baby, then your DH has done a smashingly good job, imho.

Flash forward to when the boys are age 10 & 20... the then 10 yr old will ALSO win over the 20 yr old (after yrs of teenage feistiness from then 20 yr old).

[whenthedoveslie]

Needless to say I think the adults have behaved appallingly, with no consideration whatsoever for their existing children

I agree. Although on MN we aren't allowed to bring up how bleeding irresponsible it is to bring a baby into a situation where there are existing children.

Honestly, it is so piss poor that people do this to their children. Clearly the OP barely knew her partner when she fell pregnant. It is 2022 now. We can avoid it. We really can.

Too many posts on here where innocent children are casualties of their parents' crap conduct and failure to think about what it means when bringing a baby into a union where there are children on both sides. I find it pretty unforgivable to be honest,

[Kite22]

Sadly @Anon2022 , the crappy papers copy threads from here all the time. Too lazy or incompetent to research their own stories.
If you put anything out on the internet, there is nothing to stop the daily fail or any other sh*tstirring papers just lifting and copying.

[Doggosaurus]

@Anon2022 who knows..

[Anon2022]

What ? Was it all attention seeking by OP/ journalist to get an article printed ? Or is this a complete breach of trust ? Is Mumsnet not a safe space to discuss things ?

[Doggosaurus]

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10358173/Mother-divides-opinion-asking-partner-spends-time-son.html

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

@Justmebeingme245

100% agree. OP also has an older child; does that mean she and her husband both get to abandon the baby?! It’s madness

[Cindercat]

I'm sorry you feel you were dealt a bad lot but what is happening here is a basic inability to understand that the step child's experience is not the only important one.

This.

[FlamingChopSticks]

This issue with online advice is the lack of knowledge. We are only getting a small peek at one side. I read all of the posts which all run on a similar vein I have a different take that I'm not going to post because it is not helpful. If OP comes back my advice is for OP and DP to adult up and sit down and talk.

[aSofaNearYou]

[quote Cupcakeschocolate]@asofanearyou actually I was the step child in the scenario. 2 times. 2 different dad's. It's very difficult for children even when they say they are OK, a lot of the time they are not. He should step up and help with the baby too ofcourse. But she went into the relationship knowing how things where with the ss. It wasn't going to change over night[/quote]
I know you are, you said that in your other comment.

"He should step up and help with the baby too of course" you add as though it's an afterthought, but you were telling OP she was being unreasonable earlier, despite her saying he does nothing. The bias is very evident here.

Having a baby with someone who already has a kid does not mean you should assume nothing at all will change when the baby is born. It is natural to assume that things will change to accommodate looking after the baby, just as they obviously have for OP. That is the decision they BOTH made (meaning him too) when they conceived the child. He had 9 months to prepare his son for the impending need to split his attention, if that was necessary. Nothing needed to happen overnight.

I'm sorry you feel you were dealt a bad lot but what is happening here is a basic inability to understand that the step child's experience is not the only important one.

[Chasingaftermidnight]

It’s completely unacceptable for a father to leave all the care of a newborn to its mother. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would deny that.

What’s complicated here is that there’s another child in the mix - who’s ten, so obviously has emotional needs - who only gets to spend 48 hours with his father every week. The OP resents the fact that she feels her partner’s attention is devoted too heavily to his son during that short period of time. But actually the issue is that he’s being an all-round shitty parent and partner.

[Justmebeingme245]

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Well *@Clymene* I think op should sit down with her dp and explain to him that she understands why he might want to spend all of his time with his son, but that he actually has two children now and unless he wants to have no or a very bad relationship with his baby that he needs to get his priorities straight and be involved with both children.

Her moving out doesn't achieve him being a better parent to their baby, which is what she wants.

I think this is good advice, she needs to tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not on! If the situation is not rectified, the baby will grow up knowing that she is second best in her fathers eyes and it will have a detrimental affect on both the child’s self esteem and the relationship she has with her father.
He really needs to step up and be a decent dad to all the children in the family.

[Justmebeingme245]

@Kite22 when I said the child was being neglected in favour of another, I meant this is what the father is doing. I didn’t mean this was a child in need or anything like that but both the emotional and physical requirements of the baby are only being met by the mother.
He is not doing anything.
Further up the thread, people were trying to justify his behaviour by stating “babies are boring”, “maybe things will change when baby reaches toddler stage” etc.. Personally, I don’t think that’s good enough, the baby is here now. Regardless of the circumstances of how it happened, if he wants the family unit - he should do his part.

[Cupcakeschocolate]

2 different step dads I mean. And also a step mum for a while

[Cupcakeschocolate]

@asofanearyou actually I was the step child in the scenario. 2 times. 2 different dad's. It's very difficult for children even when they say they are OK, a lot of the time they are not. He should step up and help with the baby too ofcourse. But she went into the relationship knowing how things where with the ss. It wasn't going to change over night

[liveforsummer]

Lots of dads struggle with the early baby stage and can feel a bit useless. Some relate better to the walking, talking version. Just give him some time and encourage some bonding opportunities

[Kite22]

Maybe I'm interpreting the word/ phrase differently, with my work head on and with all the news over the last few weeks. I read it in terms of "the child is suffering from neglect" which is a really sensitive trigger word. My reading is that the child is fine - there is no neglect. There is an issue in terms of distribution of work between the two adults, and there is an issue with the OP (who I suspect we aren't going to hear from again) feeling unhappy, but I don't see that the baby is being neglected.

I can see from the replies I have interpreted it differently from other posters and apologise if I have read it wrong.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@Clymene

To be fair it doesn't sound like he has any kind of relationship with his child now *@Getyourarseofffthequattro*

We yeah, exactly. She wants to change that not enforce it even more.

[Clymene]

To be fair it doesn't sound like he has any kind of relationship with his child now @Getyourarseofffthequattro

[aSofaNearYou]

Please show us where there is ANYONE who has suggested this ?

Are you kidding?? Almost everyone has looked at a thread where the OP says she does practically everything for the baby and her partner does nothing, and said YABU to complain about that. So essentially everyone that has done so has suggested that.

All this talk of "parenting isn't split 50/50, we do what suits the families needs best" flagrantly ignores the fact that this is NOT a case of one parent doing some things, the other doing others, and maybe one parent doing a bit more on balance. This is a case of one parent doing none of it, including when he doesn't even have another child there whose needs he needs to consider, and the other parent does, notably.

People are reading OPs situation and then citing their own much more reasonable one to prove that she is being unreasonable. It's one of the most highly and obviously biased threads I've ever read.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@Kite22

I’m also sad that so many people think it’s ok to neglect one child in favour of another.

Please show us where there is ANYONE who has suggested this ?

I have 3 dc. I don't have the complications of the OP....dh and I got to know each other really well before we got married and then we had our dc, but I can tell you it just doesn't happen that every part of parenting (or adulting generally) gets split down the middle. You work as a team, for the best outcome for your family. There are things I've done for the dc that dh has never done, and there are things dh has done for/with them that I have never done with them. Me not doing one task whilst dh does it and I do another, does not mean any of my dc are neglected, it means AS A FAMILY they are all getting their needs met in the best way we could manage at the time.

Many people have literally said that. Read it again.

And again, what you're doing is fine if it works for you all. Clearly this is not working is it?

But tbh if your husband has never done a night feed or changed a nappy I'd be embarrassed.

[Kite22]

I’m also sad that so many people think it’s ok to neglect one child in favour of another.

Please show us where there is ANYONE who has suggested this ?

I have 3 dc. I don't have the complications of the OP....dh and I got to know each other really well before we got married and then we had our dc, but I can tell you it just doesn't happen that every part of parenting (or adulting generally) gets split down the middle. You work as a team, for the best outcome for your family. There are things I've done for the dc that dh has never done, and there are things dh has done for/with them that I have never done with them. Me not doing one task whilst dh does it and I do another, does not mean any of my dc are neglected, it means AS A FAMILY they are all getting their needs met in the best way we could manage at the time.

[aSofaNearYou]

@JazmineSummer

Why is it irrationally annoying me that you keep putting “our baby”??!!??

Lord knows.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@Clymene

Yes she should. But she thinks it would cause huge offence and she seems scared to have that conversation with him.

It feels like she's worried what will happen if she upsets him.

Well yes, it might do, but you don't know until you try. And if he doesn't change, that's the point to consider breaking up isn't it.

Maybe she is worried. She's probably worried that he'll have no relationship with his child. Most people don't actively want that.

Is leaving immediately the solution? No.