Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

213 replies

Anonymous1238 · 29/12/2021 23:03

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

OP posts:
ACCx · 29/12/2021 23:59

YANBU why would your stepchild be sleeping with dad when you have another child in the home (8yo) that sleeps on their own? Surely that wouldn’t be nice for your 8year old DC and would feel left out. In my opinion the 8 and 10 year old children should be treat the same and it’s odd for a 10 year old to need to sleep with dad.

Outlyingtrout · 30/12/2021 00:21

Those poor kids. If I'm understanding the timeline correctly you basically got pregnant immediately upon meeting/getting together with this man and so both your existing children have had to deal with this enormous life change involving a new sibling and a stranger becoming a fixture in their lives overnight. It sounds like your boyfriend has at least some awareness of what he's put his child through and is trying his best to reassure his son.

His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby.

Hang on. Your 8 year old lives with you full time. So what you mean is, he wants to have his son around as much as possible rather than spending time with just you, the baby and your child. Fucking hell OP. Of course he wants his son there as much as possible. That's his child. Do you crave time alone with your boyfriend and the baby but not your 8 year old?

SammyScrounge · 30/12/2021 00:45

He has known his own boy well for ten years. He is anxious to stress to his child that he is loved by his Dad even though his first home was broken up and Dad left. OP, you should be grateful your partner doesn't have it in him to cut his son entirrely from hisclife.

steff13 · 30/12/2021 00:53

@ACCx

YANBU why would your stepchild be sleeping with dad when you have another child in the home (8yo) that sleeps on their own? Surely that wouldn’t be nice for your 8year old DC and would feel left out. In my opinion the 8 and 10 year old children should be treat the same and it’s odd for a 10 year old to need to sleep with dad.
Do you think her 8-year-old child wants to sleep with his/her mother's boyfriend? That seems inappropriate.
DockOTheBay · 30/12/2021 01:06

@ACCx

YANBU why would your stepchild be sleeping with dad when you have another child in the home (8yo) that sleeps on their own? Surely that wouldn’t be nice for your 8year old DC and would feel left out. In my opinion the 8 and 10 year old children should be treat the same and it’s odd for a 10 year old to need to sleep with dad.
Why would the 8yo feel left out because she doesn't get to share a bed with her step dad? OP i really think you're crazy for thinking that he should have stopped be sharing with his son on the first night you bring a new baby home! What effect do you think the would have on him emotionally?

I think it is pretty normal for parents to have a closer bond with older children than with babies. Babies don't do a lot, don't really have personalities or interests, you can't "play" with a 4 month old. I'm sure he will grow close to her as she gets older.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 30/12/2021 01:14

There is of course the sad possibility it is because your baby is a girl.
Some people genuinely have a gender preference when it comes to children. More of the men i have known over the years who wanted DC, have had a strong preference to having a son over a daughter. Should he treat his children differently because of gender? No, and hopefully when she's a bit older and past the baby stage, and he can do more with her, things will even out.

Flickflak · 30/12/2021 01:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Overthinkingx3 · 30/12/2021 01:30

This sounds hard - but having a baby is hard , and having other kids as well as a new baby - that’s tough. Our family found new siblings hard to adjust to - however much prep was done. Amd hubby… well first baby was exciting and new , but subsequent babies … not so much . Yet - things change . My dH has realised he let things drift too long with middle kids so he has lost his connection amd is now making up with the youngest. He swears now that this baby is the light of his life .. and they are getting in much better since toddler years have progressed

Forsure69 · 30/12/2021 01:32

It's sounds like you resent the SS. It's sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and you thought that things would be different once this new baby came along.

There has been alot of changes in what sounds like a short period of time. Why can't you speak to your partner about how you feel and come to some agreement?

Overthinkingx3 · 30/12/2021 01:33

The point of message above is - things are tricky even before step kids and newly blended families come into the equation …
I find it horrible that I have to remind dh to parent his own kids … not just the ones he gets on with at the time … the one he plays footie with etc … but kids grow, parents grow … and all relationships evolve. The 10 yr old will get settled. The baby will develop amd you will all find a new way to be

You do t me tho the 8 yr old at all… hope they are ok .. are they friends with the 10 yr old ?

lynntheyresexswappers · 30/12/2021 01:36

So, you have a then, 9 year old boy. His dad gets a new girlfriend, immediately they move in together, and immediately a new baby is on the way. Far far far too much far far far too soon for a 9 year old to deal with. You all 3 share a room. On the day you come home with a new baby, you think the 10 year old boy should be kicked out of the room he's always slept in and essentially replaced with a new baby? How on Earth do you think that would make him feel?!?

This. Your 4 month old won't remember daddy spent extra time with their brother. Your step son will remember being replaced and pushed out by a new baby, with a new step mum he barely knows.

catpisscrazy · 30/12/2021 01:39

God, this is a fucking mess.

LessTime · 30/12/2021 01:44

I think YABU but it's bit surprising - so much has happened in such a short time. Good luck

wtfc · 30/12/2021 01:47

@Anonymous1238

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?
He would rather have his son than spend time with JUST ME AND OUR BABY. Bottom line is you want to create a seperate family that does not include ss. Surely he is a part of the family too. You need to look at his son as if he is yours too. Not a seperate entity. He needs to know that you care for him like a mother should. You even go so far as to say that he is 'clingy'. It sounds like you are the jealous one. Be very very careful about how you treat the child, because it seems to me like your partner may be able to feel your 'wicked step mother vibe,' hence him being extremely protective. You can change this by just accepting him into your own heart, as if he was your own son. As a friend of mine says about her ss 'my already made son.' Also you say that you too have an older child outside of your current relationship. You didn't mention this one until well into the thread. Does your partner feel jealous of themn or does he embrace them? When your DP is doing things with his son does he include your older child? If he does include your first child, you have a good person who wants to make sure everyone is emotionally stable. If not, and he only thinks about his first born, then that is more of a concern than your insecurity. You are feeling vulnerable at the moment. Maybe you created a scenario in your head that is just not happening. (a scenario that you did not include your first child in, in the post anyway). But it does not mean that you can't turn it around. Chat with DP, tell him to pull his finger out and help with the baby. And ask him how best you can include his first born into the family. i have been straight forward but I believe you have good intentions and will embrace the honest feedback or you would not have posted. Please take care and do not let this ruin your relationship with his son.
Rno3gfr · 30/12/2021 01:56

I mean, I have a ds aged 3 (only child to me and dp). Dp only started showing proper interest after ds turned 18 months and his attention to him has been growing ever since. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is ok or easy but some people just prefer older children to babies.

JimCarreysMask · 30/12/2021 03:18

I wish people would stop and think about their existing children before moving so quickly. What is the bedroom situation? I take it your DD has her own room, does DSS have one for himself or are they sharing a bed because he doesn’t have a room? What about when the baby moves into a room? You say he wants his son more and more - that’s an admirable quality in a parent. I can’t imagine just being happy to see my child 6 days a month or whatever.

Tableto · 30/12/2021 03:33

Good for him, it sounds like he's considering the huge upheaval and trying to support his son through it. It's nice he wants to spend tike with his dad, is your daughter with you most of the time?

DockOTheBay · 30/12/2021 05:27

he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby
You and your baby and your own 8 year old, presumably.

Flickflak · 30/12/2021 05:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
Anonymous1238 · 30/12/2021 06:47

Thank you for comments. I love my older child and SS. It’s just the bed sharing situation that makes things hard sometimes. They all have own rooms. I got told DP doted on his son from day 1 by family I guess I just thought it would be the same with ours. Of course I don’t want any of our kids pushed out and yes in a way we have moved fast, neither of our kids are jealous though. But they were our choices and i haven’t included lots of background as didn’t think it was all needed. Maybe I should have just phrased differently. It’s the bed sharing I find difficult. I miss my partner. I have been struggling with mental health it’s good to know what people really think. Maybe I shouldn’t post any of my thoughts another time

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 30/12/2021 06:50

The relationship is still in very, very early stages. You can’t really have got to know your DP in the short time youve been with him, before a baby was also added into the mix. His son will obviously feel insecure atm, as he sees his father spending every day with your baby, but only a small fraction of that time with him. Maybe the bond with the baby will deepen as he grows, some dads tend to prefer the stage when they can interact with their child more.

Livelovebehappy · 30/12/2021 06:58

@Flickflak

How is he with your eight year old? And the baby during the week? Those would be my primary concerns.

I do think it’s about time the ten year old sleeps without his Dad in the room given he does that at home, and baby is now 4 months old.

A lot of judgement on this thread about the timeline which seems very unnecessary.

The timeline is very important and relevant. The 10 year old probably barely got to know his father’s girlfriend before baby also came on the scene. Which obviously explains why the son is so clingy.
Shiningpath · 30/12/2021 07:03

Maybe I shouldn’t post any of my thoughts another time

OP: AIBU?
All: YABU
OP: [flounce]

Nubfeary · 30/12/2021 07:09

OP, his child(ren) will always be his priority, as I'm assuming yours are too. At the moment it seems his oldest child needs him because this is a huge adjustment and in a really short space of time. You read about so many feckless fathers on here who walk away from their children without a glance back, he sounds decent and yet that's the problem is he isn't putting his other child on the back-burner.

Bagelsandbrie · 30/12/2021 07:15

So you were together a few months before you got pregnant…? And you both have young children that have suddenly have to cope with you all living together and a new baby…? Wow. That’s a bit of a mess. I know you can’t change it now the baby is here but I think it’s going to be really hard going for everyone!