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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

213 replies

Anonymous1238 · 29/12/2021 23:03

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2021 09:46

@Cupcakeschocolate

Sorry op. Yabu. If your still has been sleeping with his dad all this time he isn't going to magically stop because you had a baby. I understand its difficult for you but if your baby was the ss in this you would be happy he is being loved and cared for when a big change has happened. Especially as its still a new elatioship with a new baby. It's not easy for kids especially that quickly. I know from personal experience but as the child. Both my oarents moved on very quickly. My mum moved her new boyfriend in to our house and made my dad sleep on the sofa. And I was left to it. I was a bit younger than your ss. And then they had a baby. Divorced and went through it again a few years later but this time her dh was abusive towards us. So what I'm trying to say is, no its not ideal. But you can see he is a good father and he's doing the best thing he can for your situation which is make sure ss is OK. Because these things can effect a child. Unless you have been through something yourself its hard to understand.
Let's see if it's "the best thing for their situation" when OP starts also doing nothing to focus exclusively on HER older child, then. I'm sure the baby will learn to feed and change itself.

Honestly, how are people rationalizing this? Beyond just blatantly saying "my child/I is the step child in this, so I've only considered the situation from that one perspective and somehow think that is actually reasonable"?

Clymene · 31/12/2021 09:52

@AsYouWishButtercup

The OP has to move out now Confused how is that helpful, affordable or going to rectify damage already done to everybody? What ridiculous advice.
What's your magic trick to get this bloke who hasn't changed a single thing about his life since the OP moved in to step up?

I'm all ears.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 31/12/2021 10:12

@Sirzy

The constructive advice has been given and ignored.

But without knowing the full picture then the advice will differ won’t it. Circumstances will always impact upon the best advice. You can’t really think if they had been married for 8 years the advice would be the same as if they have been together for such a small space of time?

No I don't think it has. What constructive advice has been given that actually addresses the issue at hand?

A shit dad is a shit dad no matter how long you've been together. It's never okay to ignore one child and dote on the other.

Overthinkingx3 · 31/12/2021 10:12

Agreee - fairness in meeting child’s needs … hoping that they are, with both parents involved in all kids to some extent . If the children are happy we can all breathe easy

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 31/12/2021 10:14

There’s lots of issues in this clusterfuck.

The partner (and I use that term loosely, given the ridiculously short nature of the relationship) should be helping with the baby as well. Obviously. Having an older child isn’t some sort of “get out of jail free card”. OP also has an older child. He should be splitting the nappies and the feeds etc. I can’t believe people are even debating this.

Otherwise of course he can sleep with the stepson if that’s what they want. There’s no age limit on that and stepson will need lots of reassurance. OP you sound a bit jealous that he can provide this reassurance to his child and you can’t to yours, which is fair given he isn’t pulling his weight with his baby - if he were you could dedicate more time to your own.

But then; this is why you shouldn’t have a baby with a man you don’t know ffs.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 31/12/2021 10:17

Excellent advice @Clymene really addresses the issue op asked about Hmm

MabelsApron · 31/12/2021 10:21

Honestly, how are people rationalizing this? Beyond just blatantly saying "my child/I is the step child in this, so I've only considered the situation from that one perspective and somehow think that is actually reasonable"?

People have commented for 8 pages with their rationalisations, and in many cases haven't referred to being a step child or their child being one (ironically, you're one of the ones that has brought your own experience as a step-parent into it). You just don't agree with anything which isn't 50/50 parenting of all the children by both parents. Which isn't realistic at the best of times, but certainly isn't realistic in the situation the OP is in.

I'm also side-eyeing the stuff about babies being boring (the comment about the man brain being able to handle toddlers was particularly Hmm. I don't think that it's OK to ignore the baby if DP is indeed doing that. But I do think that both parents need to be mindful that the older kids may need additional comfort and reassurance than would be the case if a new baby arrived in a nuclear family, because they're in a frightening and confusing situation that they have no say in or control over.

aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2021 10:29

@MabelsApron I haven't said it needs to be exactly 50/50. I've said it one party shouldn't be left doing everything. I've questioned the suggestion that has been made by posters MANY times that because he has an older child, it is fine for him to leave everything to OP when it comes to the baby.

My comment about former step children and parents of step children was clearly in reference to posters like the one I was quoting that did say that.

Clymene · 31/12/2021 10:51

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Excellent advice *@Clymene* really addresses the issue op asked about Hmm
I've just read this whole thread and looked really hard for your excellent advice for the OP but I can't seem to find it. Most of your posts are telling other posters their posts are completely shit.

Please do share your wisdom.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 31/12/2021 10:53

Well @Clymene I think op should sit down with her dp and explain to him that she understands why he might want to spend all of his time with his son, but that he actually has two children now and unless he wants to have no or a very bad relationship with his baby that he needs to get his priorities straight and be involved with both children.

Her moving out doesn't achieve him being a better parent to their baby, which is what she wants.

user19916049 · 31/12/2021 10:59

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Completely agree.
No wonder there are so many broken homes now when people would even suggest leaving the father of your children instead of trying to communicate and get the issues resolved.

Clymene · 31/12/2021 11:06

Yes she should. But she thinks it would cause huge offence and she seems scared to have that conversation with him.

It feels like she's worried what will happen if she upsets him.

JazmineSummer · 31/12/2021 11:59

Why is it irrationally annoying me that you keep putting “our baby”??!!??

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 31/12/2021 12:08

@Clymene

Yes she should. But she thinks it would cause huge offence and she seems scared to have that conversation with him.

It feels like she's worried what will happen if she upsets him.

Well yes, it might do, but you don't know until you try. And if he doesn't change, that's the point to consider breaking up isn't it.

Maybe she is worried. She's probably worried that he'll have no relationship with his child. Most people don't actively want that.

Is leaving immediately the solution? No.

aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2021 12:37

@JazmineSummer

Why is it irrationally annoying me that you keep putting “our baby”??!!??
Lord knows.
Kite22 · 31/12/2021 12:50

I’m also sad that so many people think it’s ok to neglect one child in favour of another.

Please show us where there is ANYONE who has suggested this ?

I have 3 dc. I don't have the complications of the OP....dh and I got to know each other really well before we got married and then we had our dc, but I can tell you it just doesn't happen that every part of parenting (or adulting generally) gets split down the middle. You work as a team, for the best outcome for your family. There are things I've done for the dc that dh has never done, and there are things dh has done for/with them that I have never done with them. Me not doing one task whilst dh does it and I do another, does not mean any of my dc are neglected, it means AS A FAMILY they are all getting their needs met in the best way we could manage at the time.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 31/12/2021 12:53

@Kite22

I’m also sad that so many people think it’s ok to neglect one child in favour of another.

Please show us where there is ANYONE who has suggested this ?

I have 3 dc. I don't have the complications of the OP....dh and I got to know each other really well before we got married and then we had our dc, but I can tell you it just doesn't happen that every part of parenting (or adulting generally) gets split down the middle. You work as a team, for the best outcome for your family. There are things I've done for the dc that dh has never done, and there are things dh has done for/with them that I have never done with them. Me not doing one task whilst dh does it and I do another, does not mean any of my dc are neglected, it means AS A FAMILY they are all getting their needs met in the best way we could manage at the time.

Many people have literally said that. Read it again.

And again, what you're doing is fine if it works for you all. Clearly this is not working is it?

But tbh if your husband has never done a night feed or changed a nappy I'd be embarrassed.

aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2021 12:57

Please show us where there is ANYONE who has suggested this ?

Are you kidding?? Almost everyone has looked at a thread where the OP says she does practically everything for the baby and her partner does nothing, and said YABU to complain about that. So essentially everyone that has done so has suggested that.

All this talk of "parenting isn't split 50/50, we do what suits the families needs best" flagrantly ignores the fact that this is NOT a case of one parent doing some things, the other doing others, and maybe one parent doing a bit more on balance. This is a case of one parent doing none of it, including when he doesn't even have another child there whose needs he needs to consider, and the other parent does, notably.

People are reading OPs situation and then citing their own much more reasonable one to prove that she is being unreasonable. It's one of the most highly and obviously biased threads I've ever read.

Clymene · 31/12/2021 13:13

To be fair it doesn't sound like he has any kind of relationship with his child now @Getyourarseofffthequattro

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 31/12/2021 13:24

@Clymene

To be fair it doesn't sound like he has any kind of relationship with his child now *@Getyourarseofffthequattro*
We yeah, exactly. She wants to change that not enforce it even more.
Kite22 · 31/12/2021 13:39

Maybe I'm interpreting the word/ phrase differently, with my work head on and with all the news over the last few weeks. I read it in terms of "the child is suffering from neglect" which is a really sensitive trigger word. My reading is that the child is fine - there is no neglect. There is an issue in terms of distribution of work between the two adults, and there is an issue with the OP (who I suspect we aren't going to hear from again) feeling unhappy, but I don't see that the baby is being neglected.

I can see from the replies I have interpreted it differently from other posters and apologise if I have read it wrong.

liveforsummer · 31/12/2021 13:46

Lots of dads struggle with the early baby stage and can feel a bit useless. Some relate better to the walking, talking version. Just give him some time and encourage some bonding opportunities

Cupcakeschocolate · 31/12/2021 13:56

@asofanearyou actually I was the step child in the scenario. 2 times. 2 different dad's. It's very difficult for children even when they say they are OK, a lot of the time they are not. He should step up and help with the baby too ofcourse. But she went into the relationship knowing how things where with the ss. It wasn't going to change over night

Cupcakeschocolate · 31/12/2021 13:56

2 different step dads I mean. And also a step mum for a while

Justmebeingme245 · 31/12/2021 14:06

@Kite22 when I said the child was being neglected in favour of another, I meant this is what the father is doing. I didn’t mean this was a child in need or anything like that but both the emotional and physical requirements of the baby are only being met by the mother.
He is not doing anything.
Further up the thread, people were trying to justify his behaviour by stating “babies are boring”, “maybe things will change when baby reaches toddler stage” etc.. Personally, I don’t think that’s good enough, the baby is here now. Regardless of the circumstances of how it happened, if he wants the family unit - he should do his part.

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