To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

[Anonymous1238]

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

[Kite22]

Aside from the timeline aspect, why is this thread full of posters who think it's odd that the op would prefer her husband in bed with her ?
My three year old sleeps in her own bed ! I would find it very strange if my husband was in with an older child rather than helping with a newborn.

I don't think it is. I am reading that most people who have mentioned this are saying the time the new baby arrived isn't the time to tackle this. Obviously it should have been tackled a long time before there was any talk of adding to the family.
I'm going to presume that OP and her dp were 2 single people (and not the cause of any previous relationship breaking up, which adds even more baggage) - her with a 7 yr old dd and him with a 9 yr old ds. Most responsible adults would spend a considerable amount of time getting to know one another, then gradually introducing their dc to each other, before gradually thinking about how and when they might blend the family they already have. If the OP and her DP have skipped all the steps and moved in and had a new baby all within a few months of meeting, then it is hardly surprising there are issues.

[Greensmoothie1]

@user19916049

He shouldn't be sharing a bed with his son... I'm not sure why some of the replies are making this ok. Especially when his mother has said he sleeps fine on his own at her house.

I think it's nice he is making an effort to make sure SS feels included in the family but it should be something you both are doing together as a family for all children involved. Not DH making a huge effort with only one child.

Within weeks of starting the relationship, Op fell pregnant. A 9yo child had to deal with his parents’ split, moving in with strangers (OP and her dd) and a new baby. All within a matter of weeks/months. No wonder this poor little boy is “clingy.” I bet he is so overwhelmed.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@arethereanyleftatall

Another way of looking at it, is that he's doing a lovely job of making sure his son isn't feeling pushed out by his new family.
So many stories on here of absent fathers who forget their first childrens existence when they go on to have new families.
I remember when I had dd2 the realisation that whilst dd2 needed me physically, emotionally dd1 really really needed me then.

And I'm going that he's pushing away his other child. No, the baby won't realise now but he will soon.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@arethereanyleftatall

Op - are you saying you thought on the first night the three of you should have slept in one room, with your 10 yr old step son on his own in another room? How do you think that would have made him feel?

That is entirely normal when you have a new baby, isn't it!

[AsYouWishButtercup]

What does a 4mo need that kind of attention for? He sounds like a good dad, he is taking his son’s feelings into account after creating family no 2, increasing his contact time and being sympathetic to his son’s feelings. A 4mo will barely know her dad exists let alone if she’s getting less attention than her brother.

I know so many families where, when after dad has created family no 2, he just fucks family no 1 off, stops days out, and basically makes family no 1 feel like crap. Your DH is doing it the right way. You need to stop trying to make your DD the favourite child, it will be more damaging to everybody than you realise.

[AsYouWishButtercup]

Just seen you’ve been together just over a year - so you got pregnant immediately- I wonder the poor boy is feeling left out, having his dad to himself then suddenly there’s a woman with a child and another in her belly after 5 minutes

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@AsYouWishButtercup

What does a 4mo need that kind of attention for? He sounds like a good dad, he is taking his son’s feelings into account after creating family no 2, increasing his contact time and being sympathetic to his son’s feelings. A 4mo will barely know her dad exists let alone if she’s getting less attention than her brother.

I know so many families where, when after dad has created family no 2, he just fucks family no 1 off, stops days out, and basically makes family no 1 feel like crap. Your DH is doing it the right way. You need to stop trying to make your DD the favourite child, it will be more damaging to everybody than you realise.

Well if op stops giving the baby attention too as clearly 4 month olds don't need that kind of attention, what do you think will happen?

Why is it okay for dad to essentially walks way because he's got better things to do? Op can't just walk away because her older child is there too can she? No she deals with both because she's not a total moron.

[AsYouWishButtercup]

@Anonymous1238

Thank you for comments. I love my older child and SS. It’s just the bed sharing situation that makes things hard sometimes. They all have own rooms. I got told DP doted on his son from day 1 by family I guess I just thought it would be the same with ours. Of course I don’t want any of our kids pushed out and yes in a way we have moved fast, neither of our kids are jealous though. But they were our choices and i haven’t included lots of background as didn’t think it was all needed. Maybe I should have just phrased differently. It’s the bed sharing I find difficult. I miss my partner. I have been struggling with mental health it’s good to know what people really think. Maybe I shouldn’t post any of my thoughts another time

His son was his first child, it’s easier to bond when it’s your first. Harder to bond when it’s essentially your third, there’s 2 other kids, a new DP and an exW to all consider.

[AsYouWishButtercup]

Re the bed sharing - in an ideal world a 10yo should absolutely sleep in his own bed! But given the huge upheaval in a very short space of time - cause by you and your OH - I think that you’re going to have to, for a short while, make an exception, rather than just rule ‘you’re too old’. He is too old in normal circumstances but given what he must be going through, through not fault of his own, I think the kind thing to do would be too let the bed sharing carry on for a while

[Overthinkingx3]

No Stepkidd here - but my DH struggled with babies overnight as he was at work and under a lot pressure. He did deal with the older kids if neeeed but baby up lots was not his responsibility . It is tough but there’s no other option if ( like me ) you BF and can’t express . Just realise it’s not forever - even if the nights are long

Soon baby will be settled overnight and everyone can go back to own beds . Not forever

If DH can do extra to support you during the day - and ensure he takes baby so you can have time for you and also the older two

If you have a stronger relationship with DS he may be less clingy for dad at night .


It’s tough obviously

[AsYouWishButtercup]

@Getyourarseofffthequattro that’s why I said “that kind of attention” - as in days out, playing, long talks and presumably everything his DS gets. The baby will literally have no damage due to a lack of attention for her dad, the 10yo whose life has been turned upside down because of - and I’m just gonna say it - his selfish dad and stepmum, will be so damaged from the lack of attention

[HikingforScenery]

You should not be doing all the night feeds, weekdays and weekends! Older SS or not. Your DH should certainly be playing his part. When are you resting? Spending 1 to 1 with your own older DC?

[noworklifebalance]

Why is it okay for dad to essentially walks way because he's got better things to do? Op can't just walk away because her older child is there too can she? No she deals with both because she's not a total moron

When we had DC2, my husband’s role was to change nappies and shower DC1 with attention, because they went from being the centre of our world to having to share our attention with a demanding newborn (as most tend to be). When DH got home from work, the first thing he did was make a bee-line for DC1 for cuddles.
It doesn’t matter that SS is 10. He is still a young child - and if, as an adult, OP is struggling to process her feelings, imagine how hard it is for a child in this blended family. OP’s partner can’t really fulfil this role for her daughter as she needs the unconditional love and security from a parent but I hope with time it will also come from her DP.

[Cindercat]

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous. A 10yo boy should not need to routinely sleep with his father and those boundaries should have been put in place from the start. A new baby is tough and dad should absolutely be helping out during the night, whether his son is there or not. He can spend plenty of time with his son 1:1 during the day. I get so fed up of the ridiculous pandering that goes on by parents who are terrified their DC will feel even a hint of rejection - if these situations are managed appropriately, they won't. What isn't appropriate is to have a 10yo sleeping in bed with dad, especially since he doesn't do this at home with his mum. Boundaries need to be set that support all the children of the family and allow OP to feel supported by the father of her new baby. OP, I think you're in a difficult position as you don't feel able to address these parenting issues with your DP and therein lies the crux of the problem - you've had a baby with someone without talking about how parenting will work for all three of your children. It is a bit of a mess and you've both had nine months to prepare DSS for the arrival of his new sibling, help him to feel part of things and replace some unhealthy boundaries with healthier ones which will benefit DSS in the long run and ensure he feels included and supported. As it is, without having done this, you've made your lives way more difficult as PP are correct that it would be very hard on DSS to suddenly be removed from his normal sleeping arrangement and replaced by your new baby. However, I do think that you and DP need to come up together with a plan to move towards DSS sleeping in his own room. This needs to include plenty of 1:1 time with dad during the day, some family time for him to bond with his new sibling, a good bedtime routine with dad gradually withdrawing etc etc. Good luck.

[SallyWD]

My DH was much more interested in our older child when DC2 was born. He absolutely adored playing with the older child but had little interest in the baby. I understood because (to me anyway) babies are a bit boring! I think a lot of people, particularly men, bond with and enjoy their children once they're a little older. I didn't enjoy the baby stage.

[Flowers500]

You’ve both been incredibly irresponsible with the timelines, which means things will be more difficult for the children, and thus you’ll have to work far harder to keep things ok. It’s a result of the situation you both created.

[Outlyingtrout]

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous. A 10yo boy should not need to routinely sleep with his father and those boundaries should have been put in place from the start. A new baby is tough and dad should absolutely be helping out during the night, whether his son is there or not. He can spend plenty of time with his son 1:1 during the day. I get so fed up of the ridiculous pandering that goes on by parents who are terrified their DC will feel even a hint of rejection - if these situations are managed appropriately, they won't.

Well that’s the whole point, isn’t it? It hasn’t been managed appropriately at any stage and so people are commenting on the situation as it actually stands right now. Not how it would be had OP and her partner done things with the children’s well-being in mind. You sort of acknowledge all of this in the rest of your comment so I’m not sure why your opening line is that PPs are being ridiculous

If this couple had spent time getting to know each other, gradually developing their relationship, and slowly and cautiously introducing the children way before moving in together, and had then spent time working on blending their families together before planning a new addition - then perhaps it would be reasonable to take a stronger line with this child and place firm boundaries. But that’s not what has happened. He’s been flung into an overwhelming and unhealthy situation at lightning speed, with dad’s new girlfriend who doesn’t view him as an equal part of the family and surprise surprise both of the adults have different ideas about how to parent the kids through this mess. In the circumstances, if this little boy needs his dad to sleep with him to feel safe and secure then it’s the bloody least he can do. It’s rubbish that OP has to do the nights with the baby while the little boy is there but it’s a mess they’ve both made and what really matters is the children all having their needs met.

[SocialConnection]

At ten, your DSS is on the edge of adolescence and needs his dad to help him through it as a role model especially as they don't live together.

And is it so odd that DH might actually have more in common, more fun, more communication with his growing boy than with a new baby?

It's not a competition. The baby has your full attention and DH showing his son that he's included and paid attention to is a sign of a great dad making him feel he hasn't been replaced.

Though I think nature is screaming at you to get all the attention for your baby as a survival urge, and another woman's child may feel like something of a threat to that.

[aSofaNearYou]

@arethereanyleftatall

Op - are you saying you thought on the first night the three of you should have slept in one room, with your 10 yr old step son on his own in another room? How do you think that would have made him feel?

What an absolutely bizarre thing to say. He's 10 years old, they usually sleep in their own rooms. Meanwhile, it's perfectly normal for parents to sleep in the room with their newborn baby, so they can BOTH do their fair share of night wakes.

It's seriously, seriously weird to be shocked by that and turn it into an emotive thing for a 10 year old child.

[XelaM]

Any parent would prefer a 10-year-old over a baby! Babies are boring and dreadful company.

[aSofaNearYou]

There are some really, really unhealthy mentalities on this thread, so many making weird excuses like "of course he finds babies boring compared to a 10 year old", "what does a baby need attention for".

This man is not a child, he is a father. He doesn't get to opt out because babies are boring compared to older kids, that's a shocking suggestion you would never, ever see outside of the context of the older child being a step child. Babies need attention because if neither parent gave it, they would literally die.

He should not be leaving everything up to OP during the week OR on the weekends when his son is there. I'm appalled by the volume of comments on this thread that seem to suggest that's totally fine.

[HacerSonarSusPasos]

@Anonymous1238 had you known each other before you started dating? Was the baby planned?

[Chasingaftermidnight]

In most two-parent families, when a new baby arrives, the dad focusses his attention on the older child(ren) and the mum focusses her attention on the newborn. Your DP bedsharing with a ten year old isn’t ideal, but that’s clearly a result of the circumstances. It’s right that he should focus his attention on his son in the very short period of time he spends with him every week.

What IS unacceptable is your partner not supporting you enough with the baby during the other 5 days and nights of the week. I think you’re mentally pinning the blame for that on your stepson when it’s actually entirely your DP.

[icedcoffees]

What an absolutely bizarre thing to say. He's 10 years old, they usually sleep in their own rooms.

Yes, but 10 is still young enough to feel very unsettled by the arrival of a brand new baby, especially in the circumstances OP describes.

Meanwhile, it's perfectly normal for parents to sleep in the room with their newborn baby, so they can BOTH do their fair share of night wakes.

Again, you're correct, but in this scenario OP has had a baby with a relative stranger. It's totally understandable that the 10yo is unsettled and needs some extra reassurance from his dad. The situation with the 8yo isn't comparable as they live there full-time so won't feel as unsettled and pushed down.

[aSofaNearYou]

@icedcoffees You've completely ignored the actual content of the comment I was quoting. All it said was "are you suggesting the three of you should sleep in one room the night you return from hospital while a 10 year old sleeps alone? How do you think that will make them feel?" Which is frankly just mind bogglingly odd. Of course both parents by default should sleep in the room with the baby while the 10 year old sibling sleeps in a different room, FFS.