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Original poster

To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

213 replies

Anonymous1238 · 29/12/2021 23:03

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

OP posts:
HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 17:10

Today 16:57AlternativePerspective

Is it just me who is hmm at the amount of women who fall pregnant within five minutes of starting a new relationship?*

Nope, not just you. Unless it was a contraceptive failure, i will roll my eyes anytime i hear about someone getting pregnant just months into a relationship. Can't imagine being so trusting and risk-seeking.

WhoAre · 30/12/2021 17:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/12/2021 17:17

@WhoAre

Well he has known the 10 year old longer tbf...
Do you treat your oldest child like your favourite then?
Draineddraineddrained · 30/12/2021 17:27

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strivingtosucceed · 30/12/2021 17:29

You've been together just over a year and the baby is already 4 months old??? Did you get pregnant the first time you had sex with him OP?

Seems like you've both moved much too fast tbh, i don't blame your DP for wanting to give assurance. Are you sure you're not neglecting your 8 year old in favour of your new baby?

Justmebeingme245 · 30/12/2021 17:35

Yes they moved ridiculously fast.
I agree with that BUT it is not the babies fault.
The father should be looking after BOTH his children EQUALLY!
If the 10 year old needs attention - they can take a day out together as father and son - but there is no need to neglect one child in favour of another and the 10yo does not need his Dad in his bed.

aSofaNearYou · 30/12/2021 17:41

@Draineddraineddrained

Seriously anyone umming and aahing over whether the dad is being fair to his kids or not us totally missing the point. Both of these two have been completely unfair to ALL their children by acting like reckless fucking idiots. How much time he spends dandling baby on his knee and who sleeps where is pretty small beans in comparison to the catastrophic mind fuck of creating a complete new family unit in under a year.
Have we? No amount of hand wringing over the speed of the baby being born will change that fact. What can be done is plans and standards put in place for how the situation is handled now.

A dad doing nothing with his baby is a big problem, and one that can actually be changed. I would say that it's the people who can't look past their horror that the child exists in the first place who are missing the point.

aSofaNearYou · 30/12/2021 17:44

Are you sure you're not neglecting your 8 year old in favour of your new baby?

Yeah, the baby should be making it's own meals by now!

flippertyop · 30/12/2021 18:21

I think that older children are more interesting than newborns - it will be fine I am sure

Coronawireless · 30/12/2021 18:33

@aSofaNearYou

It’s right that he should focus his attention on his son in the very short period of time he spends with him every week.

If my DP thought it was acceptable to entirely focus on my DSS when he came over and ignore our DD, I'd have left him by now. His attention is , and should be, split between his two children when they are both present.

I don't know where this strange MN mentality that dad's "normally" focus entirely on the older child when a new baby is born came from, but I have never encountered any parents doing that, ever, and I'd think it very strange if I did. Sure, dad might take the older child out to do something babies make difficult now and then, but the rest of the time, both parents are involved in looking after the baby. Sometimes that might mean the older child waiting a bit for attention. All perfectly normal for a 10 year old.

Well many would disagree with you. Babies don’t care who looks after them. Older children do. Makes no sense that two parents focus on one baby, ignoring the older children. Especially an older child who already spends so little time with his dad.
Coronawireless · 30/12/2021 18:35

Also, dad can focus on the baby when the son isn’t there. Only fair that when the boy IS there, he catches up on his share of attention. THAT way, the children are being treated equally.

AsYouWishButtercup · 30/12/2021 18:39

Is it just me who is hmm at the amount of women who fall pregnant within five minutes of starting a new relationship?

I agree, and then are completely surprised when the young step children aren’t completely overjoyed/on board/making the dynamic about the (selfish) parents rather than themselves.

So sad the expectation for step children to just put up and shut up with this selfish behaviour. And alarming that people can’t understand why a pregnancy after 5 minutes isn’t something everybody is overjoyed about

aSofaNearYou · 30/12/2021 18:43

@Coronawireless

Also, dad can focus on the baby when the son isn’t there. Only fair that when the boy IS there, he catches up on his share of attention. THAT way, the children are being treated equally.
Except OP clearly says he doesn't focus on her the rest of the time.
Suzanne999 · 30/12/2021 18:47

For a man a 10 year old is far easier in terms of care than a small baby. 10 year olds dress, feed toilet, shower themselves, dads get to do the fun stuff—- it’s win/win in their book. Men compartmentalise so his “I’m a great dad” cupboard is him watching tv/ reading/ playing game with 10 year old.
In time your little girl will crawl, walk, talk —- these are things a man’s brain can cope with! Hopefully she will become a daddy’s girl.
A positive spin is he has a good relationship with his son, who sounds like a normal happy child.

aSofaNearYou · 30/12/2021 18:50

Well many would disagree with you. Babies don’t care who looks after them. Older children do. Makes no sense that two parents focus on one baby, ignoring the older children. Especially an older child who already spends so little time with his dad.

Yes I'm aware many disagree, never seen a convincing argument, though.

It's not about both parents focusing on the babies, it's about both parents living up to their 50:50 responsibility to their child, or thereabouts. He owes it to OP as his partner as much as he owes it to the kids.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/12/2021 18:55

@Coronawireless

Also, dad can focus on the baby when the son isn’t there. Only fair that when the boy IS there, he catches up on his share of attention. THAT way, the children are being treated equally.
But he's not doing that is he?

And for fuck sake what kind of shitty parent are you if you can't give all your children equal attention without having to do it one at a fucking time.

Again, low standards all round in these parts.

GrazingSheep · 30/12/2021 19:00

The father should be looking after BOTH his children EQUALLY!

He should
But he isn’t
And he probably never will
So the op will have some hard decisions to make

Pottedpalm · 30/12/2021 19:02

@arethereanyleftatall

Op - are you saying you thought on the first night the three of you should have slept in one room, with your 10 yr old step son on his own in another room? How do you think that would have made him feel?
Oh for heavens’ sake! He’s 10. Surely he realises it’s normal for a couple to share a bed and the baby to be with them?
user1471457751 · 30/12/2021 19:21

Would people saying its OK for him to ignore his baby to focus on his older child be OK for the OP to do the same to focus on her older child? If it's OK for dad to neglect the baby then surely mum can do it to

almondcaramelcoconut · 30/12/2021 19:37

It was a very bad idea to have a child with a man so early in the relationship, but what's done is done. I wouldn't be happy with the sleeping arrangements, though stopping right after the baby arrived might lead to resentment. Regardless of where your partner sleeps, he needs to step up and do his share with the baby. I'd insist that he do so.

Yes, he should maintain the bond with his son, but it shouldn't come at the expense of his relationship with his new child.

user19916049 · 30/12/2021 19:44

@GrazingSheep

The father should be looking after BOTH his children EQUALLY!

He should
But he isn’t
And he probably never will
So the op will have some hard decisions to make

100%!!!!

It doesn't' matter if the baby is "young and won't remember" until step son is older 🙄 What bull is that!
Your DH should want to get a special close bond with his other child too. Makes me feel sad for the baby.

HeckyPeck · 30/12/2021 21:30

I can't believe that anyone thinks this man is a good father.

He does no parenting for his baby. What a shining example of fatherhood 🙄

Draineddraineddrained · 30/12/2021 22:01

He's clearly a shit father. No decent parent would introduce a virtual stranger into his son's life as the mother of his sibling and alleged "step parent" like this. They've both done a bloody awful job of protecting the children they already had or providing a decent environment for the latest to be born into.

Overthinkingx3 · 30/12/2021 22:04

Equality - let’s think about that for a mo

Does mean that parents share themselves and their resources equally … so three kids amd a partner get a quarter each

Or does it mean that the parents divvy themselves up to meet the demands and needs equally, even though some Maynard more support at a point in time, and less at others - due to being poorly, a baby , teen troubles ..

Do we tell a mum who is breastfeeding and the main care giver that she HAS to divide her baby care with husband, even though she loves having baby on her hip and husband is better with the older child who is autistic.

People here have no common sense … families have to make things work and equality of needs met isn’t the same as effort doled out

noworklifebalance · 30/12/2021 22:14

So many PPs are talking of fairness from the parents’ perspective and sharing of parenting/workload. It should be fairness in terms of meeting a child’s needs, which will be different for a 4 month old, 8 year old and 10 year old compounded by the latter two having had unstable home lives for the past year at least. Perhaps the past year has not been as bad as we all have interpreted it to be (I hope).