To Feel like my DP prefers his son to our baby

[Anonymous1238]

This is so hard to write but I just feel like my DP prefers his 10 year old son to our baby. My DP & his son have a close bond which I completely understand he’s his first born & I try so hard to be ok with it but since we had our baby 4 months ago I feel like he hasn’t really bonded with our baby and he would pick his son any day of the week over our baby. I do all the night feeds and do almost all of the looking after of our baby in the week and at the weekend. My SS stays every weekend and he sleeps in bed with his dad every weekend & I just feel like our baby gets none of her dads attention when he’s here. He’s very clingy to his dad and since we’ve had our baby together I just feel like my DP is barely interested. I was worried my SS would be jealous of the attention of our baby but it feels like the other way round I just feel sad our baby doesn’t get any attention when he’s here. They are glued to each other’s side & if I say anything I think it would cause huge offence to my DP. I know my DP loves our baby but it’s like in a different league to his son. His son often asks to stay extra nights and so more and more he would rather have his son than spend time with just me and our baby. I wouldn’t even mind as much I think if they didn’t share a bed, I miss my DP too but I just feel he would rather just be with his son. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is there any advice any one can give?

[aSofaNearYou]

It’s right that he should focus his attention on his son in the very short period of time he spends with him every week.

If my DP thought it was acceptable to entirely focus on my DSS when he came over and ignore our DD, I'd have left him by now. His attention is , and should be, split between his two children when they are both present.

I don't know where this strange MN mentality that dad's "normally" focus entirely on the older child when a new baby is born came from, but I have never encountered any parents doing that, ever, and I'd think it very strange if I did. Sure, dad might take the older child out to do something babies make difficult now and then, but the rest of the time, both parents are involved in looking after the baby. Sometimes that might mean the older child waiting a bit for attention. All perfectly normal for a 10 year old.

[icedcoffees]

[quote aSofaNearYou]@icedcoffees You've completely ignored the actual content of the comment I was quoting. All it said was "are you suggesting the three of you should sleep in one room the night you return from hospital while a 10 year old sleeps alone? How do you think that will make them feel?" Which is frankly just mind bogglingly odd. Of course both parents by default should sleep in the room with the baby while the 10 year old sibling sleeps in a different room, FFS.[/quote]
No, I'm not ignoring it at all. I actually think it's a very sensible comment.

IMO there's absolutely nothing wrong with a parent sleeping in with their 10yo to give them some reassurance, especially considering the circumstances OP has posted about.

[Justmebeingme245]

He should be focussing on both children and helping you out. If the 10 year old is feeling out of sorts, maybe include him in the baby care, do activities he will enjoy etc.
Also, he shouldn’t be sleeping in bed with a 10yo - there’s really no need for him to do so.
YANBU - in my opinion.

[aSofaNearYou]

IMO there's absolutely nothing wrong with a parent sleeping in with their 10yo to give them some reassurance, especially considering the circumstances OP has posted about.

This isn't the thing I primarily disagreed with about this post and the comments that have followed but I wouldn't say there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, especially on the night they return from hospital. But then I come from the perspective of a very long and complicated birth, so the idea of my DP not prioritising being there to help me through the night is just so callous and cruel. "Reassurance" paled in comparison to the needs of myself and DD.

Generally speaking, though, it's not really reasonable for a parent to opt out of helping with a newborn in the night on the basis that they need to cosleep with a child of 10. Especially without massively compensating the rest of the time, when that child isn't around. This is something that should have been sorted out, but as it is, we just have a whole thread of people justifying this man opting out of his responsibilities as a father of a newborn baby.

[MabelsApron]

I think the justification comes from the fact that the DS is clearly having some intense emotional issues right now - co-sleeping at 10 is unusual and bound to be related to the enormous upheaval in his life. DP should be pulling his weight when DS isn't staying with them, but whilst he is there I do think prioritising him is fair enough given the intensity of his emotional needs. The baby isn't going to suffer emotional harm from having a more attentive mother than father in these very early months. A 10 year old in an ordinary family situation could quite happily wait a while for attention, but not in this scenario.

If it were desirable to avoid this sort of situation then OP and DP needed to plan better (or at all). They didn't, and now this is the result. If the adults have to suffer a bit, and the baby has to go without both parents being available 24/7 until it's a little older, then so be it.

Needless to say I think the adults have behaved appallingly, with no consideration whatsoever for their existing children.

[icedcoffees]

Generally speaking, though, it's not really reasonable for a parent to opt out of helping with a newborn in the night on the basis that they need to cosleep with a child of 10.*

Yes, and speaking I would agree with you - but surely you can see that this isn't like a nuclear family bringing a newborn home to care for.

Especially without massively compensating the rest of the time, when that child isn't around. This is something that should have been sorted out, but as it is, we just have a whole thread of people justifying this man opting out of his responsibilities as a father of a newborn baby.

I don't think anyone has said it's okay for him to opt out completely, they're just saying that it's understandable that he wants to spend extra time with him and reassure him.

The fact that he doesn't help the rest of the time is a separate issue IMO, and mixing the two problems together won't help anyone.

[icedcoffees]

First paragraph in that should be bolded, sorry!

[aSofaNearYou]

DP should be pulling his weight when DS isn't staying with them, but whilst he is there I do think prioritising him is fair enough given the intensity of his emotional needs. The baby isn't going to suffer emotional harm from having a more attentive mother than father in these very early months. A 10 year old in an ordinary family situation could quite happily wait a while for attention, but not in this scenario.

If he were pulling his weight the rest of the time there would at least be an argument for this, but even then... no not really. My DP made the decision to have another child, with me. He has a responsibility to me, along with his two children. If he thought his DS was going to be emotionally damaged by having to wait while he changed a dirty nappy, or settled DD while she cried, then he should not have made that choice. I'm not going to act like a lone parent when his son is around. Especially if it's every weekend and he works during the week - this would be pretty much all the time he is available to do any proper parenting.

It isn't a black and white situation and obviously there will be some compromises to be made, but expecting OP and those in her position to do it all so he can entirely focus on the SC is taking it way too far.

[aSofaNearYou]

Yes, and speaking I would agree with you - but surely you can see that this isn't like a nuclear family bringing a newborn home to care for.

That doesn't make it any more reasonable for him to leave everything to OP, if anything it makes it less.

[Scrabblecrabapple]

He was probably no help with his son when he was a baby, hence why he was single. It’s far easier to parent a ten year old playmate than a baby.

[icedcoffees]

@aSofaNearYou

Yes, and speaking I would agree with you - but surely you can see that this isn't like a nuclear family bringing a newborn home to care for.

That doesn't make it any more reasonable for him to leave everything to OP, if anything it makes it less.

Again, I didn't say he should do that.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

[quote AsYouWishButtercup]@Getyourarseofffthequattro that’s why I said “that kind of attention” - as in days out, playing, long talks and presumably everything his DS gets. The baby will literally have no damage due to a lack of attention for her dad, the 10yo whose life has been turned upside down because of - and I’m just gonna say it - his selfish dad and stepmum, will be so damaged from the lack of attention[/quote]
She literally will if he carries on.... Duh

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

God a lot of you have very low standards for your husband's don't you. As if babies being boring is a good enough reason to opt out. Yikes.

What kind of relationship do you think the baby will have with him if this continues?

[aSofaNearYou]

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

God a lot of you have very low standards for your husband's don't you. As if babies being boring is a good enough reason to opt out. Yikes.

What kind of relationship do you think the baby will have with him if this continues?

Finally some common sense!

I'll be sure to remind anyone on other parts of the forum with a newborn baby that it's fair enough if the dad is leaving everything to them because "babies are boring".

And lets not forget, if we ever hear of a newborn baby being neglected every weekend because both of their parents had older kids they needed to focus on, that's totally fine too!

[Draineddraineddrained]

"in a way we have moved fast". In a way?? In a WAY?

Honest to God I am absolutely appalled.

[Justmebeingme245]

@Draineddraineddrained

"in a way we have moved fast". In a way?? In a WAY?

Honest to God I am absolutely appalled.

Regardless - the baby is here now and deserves to be fairly parented by the father.
I don’t see how jumping on OP for something she can’t change helps anything.

[Christmascardsontheshelf]

if you're stepson is already 10 then by the time your baby is 2 or 3 your stepson will be of an age where he will be more interested in friends and going out alone rather than his dad.

My thoughts are that your DP is holding onto his baby before he gets too big. I know when my son moved into juniors I really held onto him and it was like a realisation that they do grow up and it does happen so fast. it may be a mix.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@Justmebeingme245

It's relevant because it is obvious this relationship has not been tested in any way before throwing the kitchen sink that is a new baby at it. She's focused on totally the wrong thing (the poor SS) when the issue is likely total incompatible parenting expectations with her "partner" (randoM man she's known five minutes) and her inability to communicate properly with him. She's shifting this fundamental problem into a problem with the SS when this is a far larger issue that will permeate everything if she doesn't sort it out at the root. Probably by ending this godawful set up which is probably totally fucking up both their older children.

[AlternativePerspective]

Is it just me who is at the amount of women who fall pregnant within five minutes of starting a new relationship?

Interesting isn’t it how most couples seem to manage to stay together for years before ending up pregnant, but start a new relationship and bang, an unplanned pregnancy.

I hate to ask the “were you the OW” question, but this thread sounds very much like someone who wanted to make sure that her bf would stick around so got pregnant and is now resentful that the stepson is still in the way.

The dad sharing a bed with his DS is an entirely separate issue from the OP feeling resentful of the time he spends with his other child.

The kids obviously aren’t going to echo if they’re jealous that a new bf/gf has arrived on the scene and presented them with a baby sibling within about 5 minutes, but the OP clearly is jealous of the time her bf spends with his DS as she thinks the attention should be on the baby they created to cement their budding relationship.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@AlternativePerspective

Is it just me who is at the amount of women who fall pregnant within five minutes of starting a new relationship?

Interesting isn’t it how most couples seem to manage to stay together for years before ending up pregnant, but start a new relationship and bang, an unplanned pregnancy.

I hate to ask the “were you the OW” question, but this thread sounds very much like someone who wanted to make sure that her bf would stick around so got pregnant and is now resentful that the stepson is still in the way.

The dad sharing a bed with his DS is an entirely separate issue from the OP feeling resentful of the time he spends with his other child.

The kids obviously aren’t going to echo if they’re jealous that a new bf/gf has arrived on the scene and presented them with a baby sibling within about 5 minutes, but the OP clearly is jealous of the time her bf spends with his DS as she thinks the attention should be on the baby they created to cement their budding relationship.

I don't think your speculation is at all helpful, do you?

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

Plus I don't think she's resentful that he's spending time with the other child, I think she's resentful he's making no effort with the baby. Why is that wrong?

[aSofaNearYou]

The kids obviously aren’t going to echo if they’re jealous that a new bf/gf has arrived on the scene and presented them with a baby sibling within about 5 minutes, but the OP clearly is jealous of the time her bf spends with his DS as she thinks the attention should be on the baby they created to cement their budding relationship.

People read into the words in the OP based on their own perspectives and experiences - as a step mother and mother of a second child, I was inclined to take OP at face value when she says that her DP spends next to no time with their DD when his DS is there (as well as the rest of the time). Others seem inclined to believe he must actually spend an equal amount on both, and OP is simply jealous that he isn't giving all his attention to DD. But that isn't "clearly" the case from what OP has written at all. She's said nothing about being annoyed that the DS exists and wanting all the attention on her DD, she's said she's resentful that he spends next to NO time with her DD and does not do his fair share with her. How can you take from that that he "clearly" does spend enough time with the baby, and OP is just jealous?

[waterrat]

Op when my youngest was born my husband really did exactly what you described with our oldest..I think it's really normal.

[Getyourarseofffthequattro]

@waterrat

Op when my youngest was born my husband really did exactly what you described with our oldest..I think it's really normal.

It's not normal.