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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

222 replies

sassbott · 27/12/2021 16:21

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

OP posts:
BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 27/12/2021 16:23

YANBU. If it bothers you at this point, it will really upset you further down the line. Best to be honest and reset now rather than let things get too serious and potentially get past that point and ruin things completely.

Prettyhorrified · 27/12/2021 16:25

What exactly is it about the sex that isn’t great; some stuff can be improved. Some stuff can not!

StormBaby · 27/12/2021 16:27

In my experience the only thing you can’t fix in the bedroom is a lack of passion/spark. If that is there, technique can be worked upon.

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 16:27

It’s physical endowment. His. It’s not fixable.

OP posts:
AthenaPopodopolous · 27/12/2021 16:32

What? So he has a small penis? I’ve had one or two like that. One with a cone shaped one too. Nice guys but waste of time.

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 16:36

Yup. 🤦🏽‍♀️. It’s my first one. And it has just surprised me how much a deal breaker it is in reality.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 16:37

Well you want it to go back to being platonic so your friends opinions are completely irrelevant.

LoveaStatementNap · 27/12/2021 16:41

How small are we talking? I reckon breadth would be more of an issue than length (at least in some positions you can make it feel better).

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 16:52

I haven’t measured it. But honestly. Small.

@girlmom21 🤣🤣🤣. I think you’re missing the point of the thread (and most threads in general). I know my view. I’m asking for other peoples opinions and insights.

As I said, one girlfriend was pretty insistent I look at the bigger picture and give it a chance. I was curious as to whether anyone else agreed. 😬

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 16:55

@sassbott you asked whether you were unreasonable to feel a certain way and you're not. I'm not missing the point of anything.
If you're just posting on the internet about his small penis for your own entertainment rather than actual advice its better for him that you end it now because that's a pretty shitty thing to do.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 27/12/2021 16:57

It's OK to put importance on anything of your choosing. If it's just sex without a relationship then I don't see the point if he doesn't push your buttons.

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 16:58

I’m asking a genuine question actually. Nothing about entertainment. If that’s what you’ve taken from my OP, then that’s on you.

I like him as a friend and actually it’s really disappointing that this has happened. In hindsight I wish I had not crossed the line, but I have. And now I am genuinely asking for others actual experiences.

Has anyone ‘settled’ / given a situation time and it’s worked out?
Or is this (in most peoples experiences) a pretty core non negotiable and I’m better off ending it now and trying to salvage the friendship.

OP posts:
Thwackit · 27/12/2021 17:01

Well, you already see it as ‘settling’ and it’s certainly not something he can fix so I can’t see how that’s going to go well!

Ireolu · 27/12/2021 17:03

End it if you want to but I doubt you will be able to salvage the relationship. And given what you know now you need to be fine with that if that is what he wants.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/12/2021 17:03

Everyone has different non negotiables, there's no right or wrong answer. You know what yours are, it would be strange to prolong the sexual side of the relationship when you know it's never going to work just because your friends think you should or some internet random would

LoveaStatementNap · 27/12/2021 17:06

Is piv sex your priority? I mean, if he’s amazing at oral or something then maybe you can deal with the appendage (or lack thereof) and buy a vibrator?

Honestly though, if you are at this point so early I would probably revert back to friendship. You’re asking whether anyone else would drop the relationship, not ways you may be able to improve the sex, so I think the general vibe I’m getting from your post is that the sex will not get better. If that’s how you feel then I would cut my losses. Sometimes you just know. And sex really is important.

ExtraOnion · 27/12/2021 17:14

Let him go, and allow him to find someone who’s not fussed about the size of his cock.

Is in loyal, honest, funny, faithful ?

My husband is average… when we first got together we were at it like knives . 20 years on, we don’t have as much sex, and it’s certainly not as acrobatic ! However he us loyal, honest, respectful and faithful… he makes me laugh every day, looks after me when I’m sick, provides me with stability.

It all depends what you are looking for, and what’s important. There is no right or wrong.

jelly79 · 27/12/2021 17:15

If you are not looking for something serious. And you have a good friendship then keep it as friends?

If you want a red a full on relationship then you could consider whether you could work with this. But you don't so what's the point?

ElectraBlue · 27/12/2021 17:16

What is not great about having sex with him?

If it is that you simply don't find him and his body attractive then there is little you can do.

If it is because he is nervous, inexperienced or simply not a mind-reader who doesn't automatically know what your preferences are then you might want to try better communication.

Pollingbadly · 27/12/2021 17:19

What a quandary.

But you don't love him anyway, it's clear. He's Mr Right Now.

If you loved him you might feel differently.

I'd agree with the friend who doesn't want you to mess him around. This is already so painful for him potentially.

SommerTen · 27/12/2021 17:20

Go back to friendship & allow him chance to meet a woman who doesn't mind the size of his dick and who doesn't feel that she is 'settling' when she is with him.

puffyisgood · 27/12/2021 17:22

it it matters to you then it matters. there are plenty of people who wouldn't be all that bothered but it doesn't sound like you're one of them.

Steelesauce · 27/12/2021 17:24

I had this exact issue. Best friends, completely on each others level and always laughing. Once we crossed the line, he had a very very small penis. I couldn't make it work and made my excuses. Unfortunately, the close friendship didn't last as we had crossed that line and when he got a future partner, she was obviously uncomfortable with it. Hes very happy now and I'm pleased for him, I'm also pleased I didn't choose a life of shit sex though.

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 17:27

@Steelesauce this is almost the exact same scenario. We get on so well everywhere else.

I take on board everyone’s comments and I agree with you all. If it isn’t right for me, it isn’t right for me. He’s a great guy and he absolutely deserves someone who wants all of him - including in the bedroom.

I’ll reset in the new year and will respect however he wants to boundary the relationship - including if he doesn’t wish to continue the friendship.

OP posts:
MoiraNotRuby · 27/12/2021 17:33

Before you knew the size of his penis did you lust after him? I feel like there are techniques and accessories that could make this unimportant, but you still need to actually fancy him.