IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

[sassbott]

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

Well yeah also what I’m trying to say is some women don’t have nice vaginas, too large and just no sensation for the man. My current partner says some women have buckets down there for vaginas yet blame the man. Sorry but maybe some women need to take responsibility and not blame everything on the man. I’ve had 3 kids and take care of myself I can accommodate everything and been told I have a lovely rare great fit for all. I’m so lucky I guess lol

You implying that OP is loose on this basis doesn't really make sense though does it? If you found a smaller than average guy a perfect fit then it seems you have a smaller than average vagina (which you seem oddly pleased about). But if OP or any other woman finds a smaller than average dick too small and an average dick adequate then it just seems like she has an average sized vagina...not a "bucket".

It's no good meeting someone who has a large penis if they are abusivefr to you and are unfaithful etc. Does anyone find everything they want in one person.

Of course they don't but having suffered shit sex, most of my life, I'm prioritising size.

As an aside, a lot of men with small ones, can be arseholes, too!

As an aside, a lot of men with small ones, can be arseholes, too
Big penis, small penis, tight vagina, loose vagina, anatomy or gender is no barrier to behaving like an arsenal.

Big penis, small penis, tight vagina, loose vagina, anatomy or gender is no barrier to behaving like an arsenal.

Exactly...

OP If there are no sparks now, there never will be.
Personally I like an average sized penis because I'm quite small and because I don't like the feeling of massive ones for two reasons. 1. They just me. 2. I have experienced many sexual assaults and rapes which makes me hate the feeling of them.

I'm entitled to my preference. You are entitled to yours. No point continuing with someone who you don't connect with in that way.

Justheretoaskaquestion91
I’ve been known to try to show photos of my husband’s willy to people when I’m drunk, I’m just so proud of it That's just disgusting. I wouldn't be friends with someome who respected their partner so little. Also, why would you be proud of someone else's penis? You didn't make it, you don't own it.

I would usher him immediately back to the Friend Zone and keep him there. You can never have too many good friends.

But your relationship with your DH/DP should always be more passionate and more intimate than mere friendship.

I like men with big shoulders, I'm just not interested in men that aren't built like brick shit houses. Same kind of thing I suppose.

[quote sassbott]@Sportslady44 I think a lot depends on where you are in your life.

I am relatively recently single (only just over 3 months). I am working through a lot. I am not wanting a relationship nor would it be healthy for me to get into one so quickly. However in the meantime. I would like some really hot sex. It’s that simple and this thread has helped me bottom that out.

Now the reality is, for sex. I shouldn’t have crossed the line with this friend (even though he knew ALL the above before we hooked up). But it was easy/ lazy option. And it answered a question we had both been mulling.

No I’m not stupid enough to believe I would get everything in a partner and compromises are needed. But to be honest? If I’m only going to be having sex with one person for the rest of my life, It needs to be good. Now I’m not saying I need fireworks. But I need more than this was.

And as a PP stated. Eventually if my intimate needs aren’t being fulfilled? There is a high risk I will stray. And that’s simply not ok.[/quote]
people stray though even when their needs are fullfilled. They get bored, or they start fancying someone else or fancying the idea of sex with someone different.

Great sex does not mean people wont stray.

Thank you all for your comments. All are helpful. And @Sportslady44 you’re right.

Can you imagine the furore on here if a man dumped a lovely, kind, funny, attractive woman because her tits weren't big enough?

"Big tits are super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where they are already so ‘meh.’"

The only person whose opinion matters is you. Women, in particular, are always being pushed to 'give a nice guy a chance' because the idea of a woman staying single when an available man has indicated willingness to take ownership of her is UNBEARABLE AND WILL CAUSE THE END OF THE WORLD.
You may or may not be able to salvage your friendship with this man but if he's not what you want sexually, don't have sex with him. It doesn't matter how 'trivial' other people think your reasons are - it's your chuff and you decide who gets to play with it. etc.

It's not really an issue though is it. OP has already said she's not ready for a relationship and just wants great sex. That's fine. Perhaps she will have ruined her friendship, depends how she handles it. 'Sorry Bert you've got a small dick and I need more' may be accurate but could also be hurtful.
OP is free to go in search of swinging of the chandelier sex but simply needs to make clear to her new partners that's what she's after and not a relationship. Should free her up to sample men of different ages, cultures, races, sizes, basically any and all. Just needs to make sure she doesn't catch anything.

@MasterBeth

Can you imagine the furore on here if a man dumped a lovely, kind, funny, attractive woman because her tits weren't big enough?

No? It would be as good a reason as any!

@MasterBeth

Can you imagine the furore on here if a man dumped a lovely, kind, funny, attractive woman because her tits weren't big enough?

Tits are a bit different than a penis, you don’t need boobs to have sex?

If OP isn’t happy with a small penis and she isn’t wanting a serious relationship with Mr small penis then it’s fine to dump him and find someone who is bigger. And I’m sure there are many men who would do the same if they were not getting satisfying sex?

Op, life’s to short for shit sex.

@MasterBeth

Can you imagine the furore on here if a man dumped a lovely, kind, funny, attractive woman because her tits weren't big enough?

They are visible enough for men to actively avoid women with the ‘wrong’ size of boobs.

Basically if they were to meet a woman who was attractive, funny, kind, loving etc… nothing would happen in the first place ‘because they wouldn’t be attracted to her’ despite all those positive qualities.

Basically it happens all the time to those who feels the size of her breasts is important.

I think the OP should seek great sex. That is what she is after, and fair play to her.

The only thing that grates a little is her tone when speaking about her FWB (at least from her perspective). It does come across as very much dehumanising and treating him a bit like a (sub size) dildo.

But I guess this is just social media posts on an anonymous forum, and maybe she is far kinder about him irl.

And I think this is why some posters are comparing her attitude to a guy who likes big tits. Though they are visible externally , stomach flab isn’t always, especially if skilfully concealed and, if a guy said that when his friend undressed, her flabby belly really put him off, there would definitely be a few comments (the misogyny word would definitely appear).

These comments are really interesting.

1. Boobs are visible and I know plenty of men who won’t (on the surface) go for women who are too petite. Plenty are quite open about that actually.

2. I think there are people (of both sexes), who will walk away from a relationship early doors if the sex is not fulfilling. Plenty would stick it out if other things worked. It’s a personal choice. The ‘whys’ may be technique, taste or it just doesn’t fit/ work. Each to their own.

@TheReluctantPhoenix thank you for the feedback. It is hard to give tone on a forum. It’s also hard to dress up the issue anything other than it is. So if I come across as dehumanising it’s probably because there is only one issue (from my perspective, he may also have issues), and that is the issue I have outlined. Short of putting it out there and saying the issue is what it is, what else can I say?

I can honestly say that IRL I am so incredibly fond of him. He’s a great guy! And I am beyond gutted that this has happened. And when I posted my OP it was to ask an honest question. Have people been in this situation and is it worth sticking with/ trying? Because he is a top bloke in other aspects.

But the clear comments have given my head a wobble. He does matter to me, as does the friendship. So I will try and extricate myself from this as delicately as possible and hope we keep the friendship intact. What I cannot do is mess him about, half heartedly - that is what is not fair.

He was more than prepared to spend NYE/ the holiday with me and I killed that dead. Because it isn’t right to carry this on feeling the way I feel.

I’m sorry my posting this has triggered the reaction it has. The reality is yes, to some people this matters. Especially early doors. I’m not ashamed of that. What I need to do is try and salvage the friendship and not mess him around.

Nb.

I have had friends bin men early doors for the following

• terrible sex technique
• bad smell / taste down below
• washing machine tongue (hilarious story)
• weird things they said during sex
• penis shape and size
• it was really awkward (tried a few times - think Carrie form satc and that author guy)

All sorts of things actually.

I have had friends bin off women for the following

• bad smell/ taste below.
• bad blow jobs
• the chemistry on surface didn’t translate into chemistry in the bedroom
• Various things to do with boobs/ body

This happens all the time. Only on here does it seem to get the reaction it has which is fascinating. Men will openly talk about this stuff if it is an early stage hookup that didn’t work out. As will a lot of women.

Women tend to continue to talk about bedroom problems even if it’s become a relationship. Men much less so.

What about my saying his penis is small and just didn’t do it for me is so objectionable?

You can not want to date someone for any reason.

Sex isn’t that important to me; it wouldn’t be the be all and end all. But it is for you. So, best ending it with him than getting serious and breaking his heart later

@anon2334 your partner sounds like a keeper doesn’t he “buckets” ffs.

And you sound very smug about your delightful vagina. I’m finding it very amusing

What about my saying his penis is small and just didn’t do it for me is so objectionable?

All I would say is that finding a top bloke you have loads in common with and can be great friends with is a lot harder than finding a man with a big dick.

If you’re just after sex, fair enough. You do you.

(But, yes, I do judge men or women who can only be attracted to people with certain-sized body parts - whether it’s dicks or tits or shoulders or whatever - to be as shallow as fuck).

I am finding this thread really interesting -thanks OP!
Hi am divorcing my H who is quite well-endowed and have found myself accidentally dating (ie was absolutely not looking for a relationship) a man who was very reluctant to have sex. Mystifyingly so. So by the time we did I was gagging for it. He had a tiny penis. So the mystery was solved. And was disconcerting. I am now conflicted. I really like him but…
So watching with interest!

@MasterBeth, there are no shortage of men I can sit and have banter with. I have worked, for the whole of my career in a male dominated world. I can talk about a number of topics that we find mutually engaging.

There is only one man I am being intimate with at any time in my life. And it takes a while for me to take that step. I personally, would just like that particular interaction to be really satisfying.

And this? With this man? Simply wasn’t. It’s that simple.

@AngryWithH maybe I’ve just been lucky. My key relationships were with men that fit me well.

Where is your head at? I mean I’m quite clear on my stance. At this stage in my life? Nope. Not happening. I resolutely refuse to settle in this area of my life. There is only one person, in the whole entire universe that I do this with. I resolutely refuse to Settle for something that (honestly) just doesn’t even begin to work. Nope.