IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

[sassbott]

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

My XH was small. I realise now I never had an orgasm. For 20 years.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

My DH a has an enormous penis. Honestly; it’s magnificent. I swear one of the reasons I will try so hard to make this marriage work is I can’t go back to playing penis lottery. It’s horrible. Some of the willies out there are dreadful snd you don’t know until you’ve invested some time.

YANBU. Willy size can be a deal breaker. But tbh so can many things: bad kissing, bizarre fetishes etc you’re not into, lack of chemistry etc.

Lots of things can be fixed: selfishness, laziness, cluelessness - these are things you can train someone out of if the attraction is there and the goods are acceptable.

I am like this, my DH is way above average and I swear that he has spoiled me forever. He's older than me and I dread him doing first as I will never find anybody as physically perfect for me. He's absolute dynamite in the bedroom and is incredibly giving ( while I'm a totally selfish pillow princess , which he loves). We are extremely happy with each other despite being twenty years into marriage. He's my absolute heart. And I will never ever be able to go back to a small/less than average penis.

@Lavender24

I’ve been known to try to show photos of my husband’s willy to people when I’m drunk, I’m just so proud of it 😆🤦🏻‍♀️😬🤷🏻‍♀️ He was actually very very selfish in bed and had no idea what he was doing in the beginning but I invested the time and it was worth it.

@Boogaloony

Cheers to that!

If you're already turned off by sleeping with him, I don't see how it will get that much better. Usually there is a honeymoon period at the beginning where even if the sex is not great at first, you're so into him and the desire to sleep with him that you want to keep improving it anyway, and it is a pleasure not a chore keep getting to know each other's needs better and make it even better. So basically, even if the sex doesn't start out amazingly, I think you still need to start out wanting to keep doing it with him. It doesn't sound like you do.

If you don't fancy him, what's the point? If there is no spark at the beginning of the relationship, not sure if you can really create that spark and that's something I personally wouldn't want to miss out on.

It's also not fair on someone else to just settle for them and pretend to be attached to them more than you are.

It sounds like friendship is the best option.

@Shitsexsucks

Hi, op.

I've posted a lot about this dilemma. My opinion is that too many women settle for shit sex for something they think is a better trade off.

For once, I am putting my needs first. And not investing in a relationship that will not satisfy me.

Most of my friends are of the same view.

I don't think any healthy man (excluding er/illness) would initially stay with a woman that couldn't make him cum.

This is just my personal opinion

It's a huge gamble but I want the whole package!

Listen to this woman. I am trying to reverse engineer this very situation after 10+ years and it's going to hurt people including children. Not just me. If you know this now, it isn't going to improve and is likely to get worse.

Seriously how would you like it if you met someone and they went online saying I met this great girl but her bosoms are too small.

I doubt she’d care as she wouldn’t know what he was saying anonymously online.

Stop being shallow. The perfect man does not exist out there.

Yeah, if only women would stop having standards. No one is perfect but people can be perfect for each other. This one isn’t perfect for OP as he’s literally not a good fit…

You might meet someone bigger down there but you don't fancy them or get on with them. Nobody has it all.

She doesn’t want it all. She wants someone she can have fantastic sex with. That’s good.

Grab him if he's a good un and you feel comfortable with him. Intecourse is a bonus presume he has hands and a mouth.

If he was amazing with his hands and mouth she wouldn’t be saying it was crap sex. PIV isn’t a bonus for a lot of people. It’s a big deal. Normal.

Your worrying about the wrong things.

No she’s not. She’s worrying about what matters to her.

Go for it. He can't help what he's got as you can't. Does tat mean he shouldn't be entitled to a relationship

No one is entitled to a relationship. Only incels say weird shit like that.

I would end it. A man with a penis shorter than my thumb when erect and not visible when not erect i.e. it just looked like a giant ballsack once tried to buy me into staying with him.... it ended horribly.

Lots of mixed opinions which I think goes to show it’s a very personal opinion.

Firstly, no he doesn’t have a clue that I feel this way. I am not a total bitch.
Second of all. Yes PIV is a hugely enjoyable part of sex for me, I can orgasm just by PIV, always have done. I think I’ve just been lucky til now.
Finally. We both took this step knowing that for either one of us it may not work and our friendship was at stake. With that came the knowledge that it could possibly mean the end of our friendship. But I guess after years of not crossing the line, both being single and there being initial chemistry - we decided that life was simply too short to not give it a shot.

It’s a shit situation. It doesn’t make me happy, because we’ve fundamentally taken this step and potentially ruined a perfectly good friendship.

I think you should release him.

This thread is a great example of why not to cross a boundary of great friendship with a man if you're not completely into them, especially if you value that friendship and don't want to lose it.

I raise a to those of you with hubbies with magnificent penises. May the great sex never stop

widestripe

I think it's the only way. I have spent too many years making all the right noises just to appease a man.

I am embarrassed by the amount of times I have pretended to cum. I have lived a lie and that's no good to anyone, let alone me.

I do know what good sex is. I have had it before.

I really need to start respecting myself and being honest with myself.

You don't need to hurt him, op. But I would nip it in the bud before both of you get potentially hurt.

For the first time in my life, physical is important to me but not forgetting all the other great traits that some men have.

Like I say, it's a huge gamble.

Why do people get so offended when women say they wouldn't get with a man with a very small penis? I'm certainly not offended by men who prefer larger breasts (and this is said by a small chested woman)

I wouldn't ditch someone for a smaller then average but tiny for me is a deal breaker. I like PIV and its not really possible with very very small. The lovely guy I ditched was 1.5 inch when hard.

I'd probably get shot down on the feminist forum for saying this but it just goes to show utterly reliant women are on the male penis for good sex.

@sassbott

I’m in my 40’s. I know it’s not old by any stretch of the imagination. At all. But I’m also very cognizant that great people and connections like this don’t just happen easily. It does get harder the older you get.

Everything else works. We work in a similar field. We like the same movies/ shows. We have a similar sense of humour. I enjoy his company. So much.

It’s just WHYYYYY??!

in your 40s there is a very real possibility that the ability to make you feel like you need an episiotomy is about to take a pretty hard slide down your list of the things you look for in a perfect partner.

@sassbott

I raise a to those of you with hubbies with magnificent penises. May the great sex never stop

And if it does, perhaps after a child or two he decides sex with you isn't what it used to be, then you wish him well and let him go find someone else who satisfies him with no hard feelings.

@TrishM80

I'd probably get shot down on the feminist forum for saying this but it just goes to show utterly reliant women are on the male penis for good sex.

This isn't true. Some of the best sex I've ever had was with a woman. If I ever do lose my OH then I'll probably look strictly for women as I can't stand most men. I just happened to get lucky with this one. Women tend make incredibly sensitive and satisfying breed mates nectar they don't have male egos or entitlement.

Seriously how would you like it if you met someone and they went online saying I met this great girl but her bosoms are too small

So what? I would rather someone not continue a relationship with me in the early days if they wanted something different, than settle and regret later/be secretly wanking over their actual ideal online or fantising about different beasts or whatever.

I raise a wine to those of you with hubbies with magnificent penises. May the great sex never stop

I'm also very jealous of the women who have partners with big ding-a-lings!

I don't think it needs to ruin your friendship as long as you don't go into the details you've given here.

I really wish all the women in their 40s would stop generalising that sex doesn't matter to any of us.

You may personally be fine with your trade off of mediocre sex for companionship but not all of us are.

I'm in my 40s, my sex life now is the best it's ever been and I plan to continue having fantastic sex

Yanbu.

Seriously how would you like it if you met someone and they went online saying I met this great girl but her bosoms are too small

When I was younger, I was in a r'ship with a man who said that he preferred smaller breasts.

I asked him what he was doing with me as it was pretty obvious mine were big .

We didn't last long after that revelation. But fair enough. I just thought it weird that you would pursue someone who didn't fit the bill, so to speak.

But obviously there were other things he liked about me that were higher priorities.

Honestly, YANBU.

What would make you BU is how you deal with it.

Be kind.

I had a similar experience with a great guy (not a friend). He was perfect, but... I had a big chat with my DM about it and she guided me through it.

He went on to a better relationship and so did I. I don't regret it as we aren't all matched physically but I really did my best to be kind and considerate, as that's all it was. A mismatch. Nothing that could be done.

I've never had a partner with a massive willy and I have often wondered what that might be like DH is probably slightly below average, not helped by a bit of a belly, but he is so considerate in bed, always makes me come first and then the PIV is good for him. Our sex life is constantly evolving by trying new positions. I've never orgasmed through PIV but would like to find a way to get there.

I think my point is, I love him and we're a unit so I'm willing to accept that I'm not having swinging from the chandelier sex because I do enjoy what we do together, but if it just isn't doing it for you at this stage, move on. If my sexual experiences pre DH had been different, I might have felt differently myself earlier on.