IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

[sassbott]

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

(But, yes, I do judge men or women who can only be attracted to people with certain-sized body parts - whether it’s dicks or tits or shoulders or whatever - to be as shallow as fuck).

What, even if that person is just looking for sex? Surely, the whole reason to seek out sex is to have a satisfying shag

[quote sassbott]@MasterBeth, there are no shortage of men I can sit and have banter with. I have worked, for the whole of my career in a male dominated world. I can talk about a number of topics that we find mutually engaging.

There is only one man I am being intimate with at any time in my life. And it takes a while for me to take that step. I personally, would just like that particular interaction to be really satisfying.

And this? With this man? Simply wasn’t. It’s that simple.[/quote]
OK, but in your post title you talk about wanting a relationship and in your posts you’re more about wanting a shag. These things are not the same.

And then in some posts you talk about this great guy, who you always have a great time with and you have loads in common with and now you’re assuring us that there are loads of guys you can banter with. These things are also not the same.

I mean, fuck who you want. I’m sure the right cock is out there for you if you look hard enough. And if that’s what you want, and you’re sure it’s what you want, good luck.

But if it’s really that simple, why even start the thread? You’ve made your decision. His cock is not good enough for you.

@Shitsexsucks

(But, yes, I do judge men or women who can only be attracted to people with certain-sized body parts - whether it’s dicks or tits or shoulders or whatever - to be as shallow as fuck).

What, even if that person is just looking for sex? Surely, the whole reason to seek out sex is to have a satisfying shag

The thread is titled: AIBU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great?

If it was AIBU to not have casual sex with someone where the sex is not great?, I might be more inclined to agree with you. But also, no, I am not attracted to someone’s body parts. I am attracted to all kinds of people with all kinds of body parts. I’m not looking for a human sex toy.

@MasterBeth I’ll start the thread because I want to and I feel the need to. It’s that simple. I don’t have to explain it any further to you or anyone else

To plenty of others, it’s clear why I asked. My head wasn’t straight. And if you’d read my posts. I have repeatedly stated that this thread has hugely helped me to bottom out my confusion. Because I was confused when I started it.

The confusion lies in the fact that he is a friend with whom I have crossed a line. It is a first for me. When opening this thread I could not tell head from tail.

Through the feedback and my own thinking I have separated the two. The start is no longer the end.

That’s the thing with thread and people who start them who are genuinely asking to influence change. It’s fluid.

The confusion is also further magnified by the fact that thinking through all of this has made me question why I asked what I did.

I am just looking for casual right now. But his intent/ language / actions are those of someone who wants more. And I possibly knew that at some level when I started this. So when the ‘let’s spend New Years together’ came up, I suddenly went ‘hold on.’

I don’t want a relationship.
But I certainly don’t one where from the bat, the sex is the worst I’ve ever had.

Yup. I said it. It’s the worst.

Once, long ago, before I had children (and still had an amazing pelvic floor and a realy snug vagina) I had sex with a guy with a small penis.
If asked before I would probably have said something like "size doesn't matter, what matters is what he does with it" or something similar. I would have never said "a certain penis size is necessary for me" but after sex with that guy I had to say "size does matter for me". It does not have to be gigantic or even bigger than average, but a there is a point where a penis is to small for me to have enjoyable piv sex with.
That does not make me a bad person.

So OP, if you feel the small penis is just not for you, of course you should revert back to the friendship!

You know what to do op. Tbh if you find the right partner it is a no brainer I think. I've had a long relationship with someone that I really had no sexual chemistry with, preferred to be pissed to sleep with and did not find physically attractive, which was about as big a success as it sounds. He was also controlling and a bit of a tit too.
Contrastingly I met my current partner who is completely different physically (hairy, built like a Viking) but fuck me the chemistry is insane. From the first time I clapped eyes on him I've wanted him naked in my bed. He is incredibly good in bed, average penis but because I fancy him so damn much I could quite literally have a framed picture of it on the wall as it is the most perfect, gorgeous cock in the world.

You already know the answer to this - you don't want to get naked with him which is a pretty reliable signifier!

It's fine for women to have standards and not settle for shit sex, but I'm amazed that so many posters are reliant on a big penis for good sex.

I've had partners of various sizes and size made zero difference to me.

But we're all different and some women (like the OP) clearly need that to feel satisfied. Which is fine, just don't go round making sweeping statements on behalf of ALL women

OP obviously is on the right track going back to friendship and letting the guy find a partner who is compatible with him.

@OrlandointheWilderness you’ve nailed it! Completely and utterly. For the right person/ chemistry / fit, that is absolutely what happens. And it’s what i want!

Otherwise I’m just happy with a bit of Netflix and chill 😂😂

@OrlandointheWilderness am also slightly envious! Please send some good sex vibes my way please. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

My DH a has an enormous penis. Honestly; it’s magnificent. I swear one of the reasons I will try so hard to make this marriage work is I can’t go back to playing penis lottery. It’s horrible. Some of the willies out there are dreadful snd you don’t know until you’ve invested some time.

YANBU. Willy size can be a deal breaker. But tbh so can many things: bad kissing, bizarre fetishes etc you’re not into, lack of chemistry etc.

Lots of things can be fixed: selfishness, laziness, cluelessness - these are things you can train someone out of if the attraction is there and the goods are acceptable.

Now we all hate you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Lucky cow 😉

Sending you all the vibes @sassbott!
I used to struggle to remember what really good sex felt like. I got to a point where I thought it wasn't THAT bad. Fucking hell, when I first had sex with gorgeous hairy man it was so incredible I forgot to breathe. Good sex is just worth waiting for!

@OrlandointheWilderness I sooo agree with you! Thank you!

Lmao at gorgeous hairy man! 😂😂😂. When it fits, it just fits

Don't worry about it, maybe the friendship is ruined maybe not. For all you know he may be thinking the dex was rubbish as well.

@BigFatLiar I’m pretty sure it wasn't great for him too. It does take two people to have chemistry and enjoy it IME. It wasn’t there for me and I’m pretty sure that means the same for him. 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Either way am not opening that can of worms. I’ll try and salvage the friendship. How he reacts is up to him and as I’ve said multiple times now, I will respect however he wishes to move forward.

@OrlandointheWilderness

Sending you all the vibes *@sassbott*! I used to struggle to remember what really good sex felt like. I got to a point where I thought it wasn't THAT bad. Fucking hell, when I first had sex with gorgeous hairy man it was so incredible I forgot to breathe. Good sex is just worth waiting for!

what happens if he is unable to have sex anymore for some reason, do you stay with him then?

You also need to be able to get in outside the bedroom and well as in it.

Tits are a bit different than a penis, you don’t need boobs to have sex?

For many they have a preference though, they are important. They are part of sex.

@AngryWithH

I am finding this thread really interesting -thanks OP! Hi am divorcing my H who is quite well-endowed and have found myself accidentally dating (ie was absolutely not looking for a relationship) a man who was very reluctant to have sex. Mystifyingly so. So by the time we did I was gagging for it. He had a tiny penis. So the mystery was solved. And was disconcerting. I am now conflicted. I really like him but… So watching with interest!

go for it, youve just said you got divorced from someone well endowed so it dosent mean anything.

You can also get a penis extender or something if you feel the need.

@Sportslady44 I would stay with him if he would never be able to have sex ever again. He is kind, steadfast and I love him. We are a team and the sex is incredible, but we are built on more than that.

@StormBaby

In my experience the only thing you can’t fix in the bedroom is a lack of passion/spark. If that is there, technique can be worked upon.

This

You are all lucky! I've never been with a man who was well endowed. I actually think I've never been with a man on the bigger side of average. The biggest penis I encountered was actually the guy I lost my virginity to, although I didn't know it at the time. Maybe I was ruined then for anyone else 🙈😂
My partner has a small penis. When we first were dating, although I was obviously aware of it, it never bothered me as I liked everything else about him.
I've never orgasmed from PIV anyway. Buy a vibrator and sort it yourself is my motto 😂
It's a shame that you like everything else about this guy, OP, and personally I'd try to overlook it. The perfect guy doesn't exist in my book.
It sounds like you don't want to though, so good luck with what you decide.

I settled with a guy who’s very small. Pros & cons of both I suppose.