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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

222 replies

sassbott · 27/12/2021 16:21

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/12/2021 20:16

I don't think you're compatible and not just about his size. If you'd been compatible his size wouldn't be an issue as he'd have compensated in other areas.

Never mind, be kind and try and re set the friendship if you can but don't be surprised if it's not salvageable now.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 27/12/2021 20:17

in your 40s there is a very real possibility that the ability to make you feel like you need an episiotomy is about to take a pretty hard slide down your list of the things you look for in a perfect partner.

Bloody hell, I'm about to turn 50 and good sex is more important than ever. Happy to be having no periods and happier still to have a fit partner to lust over! I recall reading credible research which found that a substantial proportion of people say the best sex they've had has been in middle age.

Surely you shouldn't put up with crap sex now on the grounds that you might be one of the unlucky women who go off it during menopause?

Changemaname1 · 27/12/2021 20:17

Women don’t always have to “ be nice”
Having been there shit sex for whatever reason is a deal breaker for me

Oh and plenty of men do talk in very derogatory ways about womens bodies all the time

Kshhuxnxk · 27/12/2021 20:19

I had cancer and the treatment has left me with long term damage which means I can no longer have sex. Thankfully (and I would expect no less) my DP has stuck with me because we have a good relationship not based on sex. You don't know the future so go with the man that treats you right. You never know what to future holds.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 27/12/2021 20:19

What about oral and toys as a way around it?
Just chucking it in the mix!

Holothane · 27/12/2021 20:20

Don’t choose crap sex people say it’s not a deal breaker but by god it is. You’ve also got to fancy the arse off them as well.

thickthighs73 · 27/12/2021 20:22

@sassbott

I raise a Wine to those of you with hubbies with magnificent penises. May the great sex never stop Xmas Grin
Amen to that!
Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 20:22

@Kshhuxnxk Flowers. I’m sorry.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 27/12/2021 20:22

Plenty of women will be happy with mostly oral or not much sex at all or whatever works for this guy but it's clearly not for you.
FWIW I would struggle with this too and have definitely ended things for incompatible sex. I wouldn't hesitate actually.

Shitsexsucks · 27/12/2021 20:23

I honestly cannot get my head around the fact that there are women on here that think you should put up with shit sex.

I am beyond baffled, truly.

thickthighs73 · 27/12/2021 20:23

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

What about oral and toys as a way around it? Just chucking it in the mix!
Nope no substitute for a great penis IMO
DDMAC · 27/12/2021 20:23

Ex bf had a teeny tiny penis, about the size of my pinky, he was unbelievable in bed, I still think about it sometimes. He was an asshole in all other aspects.
I think if you have that chemistry there you could still be in that beginning awkward stage, finding your rhythm.

NynaeveSedai · 27/12/2021 20:23

@Kshhuxnxk

I had cancer and the treatment has left me with long term damage which means I can no longer have sex. Thankfully (and I would expect no less) my DP has stuck with me because we have a good relationship not based on sex. You don't know the future so go with the man that treats you right. You never know what to future holds.
Sorry about your health issues But you're talking about your partner OP is talking about a man she has slept with once or twice.
Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 20:27

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey i don’t know. That’s exactly what one of my friends was saying. She was virtually imploring me to try given (at a wider level) how well we get on.

For me? My question back was I get that, perhaps further down the line. But from the get go? Isn’t this the stage where it should work for me?

Obviously there are no predictions for the future. Or what may happen to anyone of us. He’s a lovely guy. But it just isn’t working for me.

And this is my dilemma. If I communicate to him, then I have to communicate what exactly isn’t working. The cat is out the bag. Isn’t it doomed so early on? The friendship will be dead in the water.

Vs. Just boundarying it now. Be kind. And try and protect (if I can) the core friendship:

OP posts:
Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 20:30

OP is talking about a man she has slept with once or twice.

👆🏽 This. I repeat this this not a long term committed relationship/ family. It’s sex very early doors. The complication is the the years of friendship.

OP posts:
Shitsexsucks · 27/12/2021 20:31

Has he hinted about Round 2?

Maybe when he does, you could say that you'd rather keep your friendship than get involved with no guarantees, and lose a friendship?

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 20:34

@Shitsexsucks (love the username)

Yes, he actually was trying to make plans for us for NYE. Spending the evening/ holiday period together. It was part of the reason for starting this thread as I thought, spending New Years together is actually quite a big deal. And feeling the way I do, that’s not fair on him.

So I’ve swerved that. And I think it’s time for a chat in the new year. As many have said, I’ve accepted that the chat may ruin the friendship either way, but I can’t do this. To him or to me.

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 27/12/2021 20:36

@Justheretoaskaquestion91
I’ve been known to try to show photos of my husband’s willy to people when I’m drunk, I’m just so proud of it

That is so shockingly awful!! And double standards much? Does you husband show photos of your foof to his mates??

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 27/12/2021 20:36

@DDMAC

Fair play - very impressive ex you have there!

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 20:36

Some of the comments have made me think. If I was into him, I’d be all over spending NYE together and having lots of sex. Kids are with the exh so I have rare adult time for a week.

I don’t want to do that. I’d happily hang out as friends. But not as a couple on NYE: and not with this hanging over us.

OP posts:
Shitsexsucks · 27/12/2021 20:36

What a dilemma!

I do hope you are still able to remain good friends.

thickthighs73 · 27/12/2021 20:37

[quote Youdoyoutoday]@Justheretoaskaquestion91
I’ve been known to try to show photos of my husband’s willy to people when I’m drunk, I’m just so proud of it

That is so shockingly awful!! And double standards much? Does you husband show photos of your foof to his mates??[/quote]
Oh get a grip I thought that was hilarious, obviously you have no sense of humour

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 27/12/2021 20:40

@Youdoyoutoday

I TRY to. Sadly my friends don’t want to see it 😭

Shitsexsucks · 27/12/2021 20:40

I’ve been known to try to show photos of my husband’s willy to people when I’m drunk, I’m just so proud of it

Love this! Grin

VladmirsPoutine · 27/12/2021 20:40

I really think if you're having to 'talk' or 'convince' yourself into a relationship with anyone regardless it's dead in the water. Chemistry exists for a reason. I cannot believe you'd be encouraged to write out a shopping list of qualities in the hope you might be able to grin and bear it. For his sake let him go and find someone who'd love him for who he is, pig in blanket willy and all.