IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

[sassbott]

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

@VladmirsPoutine

There was chemistry
I haven’t got a shopping list ( well I do for clothes but not for a partner).

But I totally agree with the letting him go. Kindly.

@thickthighs73 I do have a sense of humour but would not want to see my best friend's husband's penis and it is double standards!! Imagine a post on here 'my husband has shown naked photos of me to his friends.....' people would be in uproar!!

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 you're foul if you're touting photos of your husband's cock about!!

Anyone who thinks this is OK, either male or female is so in the wrong!

Sorry NRTFT
I’ve never been in your situation. I tend to find men with larger than average sized penis, some too large.

But I find the old cliche is right that it’s not the size of it but it’s how they use it. I’ve been with men with large penis and they’re rubbish in bed because they don’t bother trying thinking what they’re bringing to the table is enough - what is the foreplay like? What positions have you tried or is it just constantly missionary?

I can’t judge as I’ve not been in this situation but I don’t think I’d throw in the towel just yet!

you're foul if you're touting photos of your husband's cock about!!

Or, I’m a person with a healthy sex life who has been sent dick pics by my husband over the years…. Bizarre to think that’s foul.

Nothing wrong with exchanging dick pics but it's so wrong to show them to others!! That's foul!!

God it’s depressing how people can hear a man does not have a penis that is big enough for a woman - said calmly and politely and not calling the man names or belittling him - and react by saying nasty misogynistic things about. Wizards Sleeves, baggy vagina? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so offended that a woman might actually want someone with a penis she is compatible with that you need to make such gross comments?

It’s a fact that some people are not compatible physically because of penis size. I’ve slept with someone too big for me and someone too small. And too cone shaped, and too skinny. So is that a terrible thing to say? Do we need to slag off my vagina and imply i’m a ‘bucket’ or like a vice???

It’s ok for women to be concerned with their sexual pleasure. And even for that to come down to dick size if that is a big deal to that woman.

Me, having drinks with my best friends and talking about their partners willies

“Don’t you guys want to see DH’s magnificent Willy?”
Them “noooooo”
Me “are you suuuuuurre?!”
Them “nooooo”

Then me not showing them. That’s what I’m talking about here. Honestly wtf is wrong with people sucking the life out of fun on MN. And btw it’s a running joke with DH. I mean this is years ago before we had children as I seldom go out but he would always be like “please try not to get drunk and show people my Willy” and we would laugh about it.

Thanks for making me feel the need to explain my offhand and, at least some people thought, amusing comment in this level of detail because you can’t see the fun in anything and need to assume the worst. Christ alive 😆🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm not sure how that's even a question??
You're weird and I'm pleased we're not friends.
Merry Xmas, be on your way now

@Justheretoaskaquestion91, honestly you sound about 16.

This thread is grim.
Can you imagine if this was a man posting about not liking the feel/look of a woman's vagina and a bunch of other men came on and they started gossiping about women they'd had sex with previously and taking the piss out of their physical failings?

Another one for team good sex. It's either there or it's not. No point carrying on if it's not.

I could have written your post OP 🤣

I am trying to remain friends with someone for the very same reason, he would love to be more than friends but I gave it a try and ummmmm……there’s no chance I can live with poor sex 😬.

@UpsideDownToast can you imagine a man having unsatisfying sex with someone and his mates telling him to overlook it and look for her other good points. They'd all tell him to bin her.

Why are women so scared to do something that is right for them? Bad sex is bad sex. Personally I'm not a tutor and if you're bad in bed you're out the door. Can't be bothered wasting my time.

@UpsideDownToast what about my thread is grim?

Sex and compatibility is a huge cornerstone of relationships. Just look at the amount of threads all over mnet about sexual incompatibility/ the ick factor/ sexless marriages/ ppl not fancying their other halves.

This is life. This happens. People hook up and it doesn’t work. Whether that is size or shape or taste or technique. I’ve not come on here to mock. If anything my starting this thread has possibly saved me from hurting him/ messing him around and actually saying no to NYE plans.

How is that grim?

God it’s depressing how people can hear a man does not have a penis that is big enough for a woman - said calmly and politely and not calling the man names or belittling him - and react by saying nasty misogynistic things about. Wizards Sleeves, baggy vagina? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so offended that a woman might actually want someone with a penis she is compatible with that you need to make such gross comments?

It’s a fact that some people are not compatible physically because of penis size. I’ve slept with someone too big for me and someone too small. And too cone shaped, and too skinny. So is that a terrible thing to say? Do we need to slag off my vagina and imply i’m a ‘bucket’ or like a vice???

It’s ok for women to be concerned with their sexual pleasure. And even for that to come down to dick size if that is a big deal to that woman.

I agree, wholeheartedly.

Nope, we're not allowed, as women, to have sexual preferences. We have to lie back and think of England, oh and think about what we're going to cook our husband's for tea.

It is fucking depressing, isn't it?

How dare we have an opinion on what goes in our bodies

This thread is grim.
Can you imagine if this was a man posting about not liking the feel/look of a woman's vagina and a bunch of other men came on and they started gossiping about women they'd had sex with previously and taking the piss out of their physical failings?

You've missed the point. But I rather think you purposely wanted to do that you could feign outrage.

We are talking about unsatisfying sex; one component being a small member.

But carry on being outraged, it's very convincing..

There is more to life than the size of a penis.

Very shallow thinking go on. How about other qualities are they not important.

So you find a man with the size penis you want but he is horrible, selfish, lazy etc etc. You will never find the perfect partner. They don't exist.

Relationships also breakup. Someone could become unwell or in an accident as nd unable to have sex anymore. What do you do then.

Give your head a wobble anyone thinks they are going to meet the man with the perfect penis size for them, they are going to have every other quality you like and your going to live happy ever after.

Give your head a wobble anyone thinks they are going to meet the man with the perfect penis size for them, they are going to have every other quality you like

Covered, thanks .

Absolutely perfect size wise and he’s also an incredible partner. As for the happily ever after - no idea, don’t have the powers of precognition.

But the rest - yes, sorry
to disappoint but it’s amazing sex, he’s fantastic every other way, and has a perfect (for me) penis.

Why would you want women to
believe that’s not out there or they need to give their heads a wobble for hoping for it? Are you bitter it never happened for you? Or just a pessimist?

Well this thread has been very informative. We've found out there are women out there who share pics of their partner's genitalia down the local boozer. Beginning to understand why the Jeremy Kyle show lasted so long!

@UpsideDownToast

This thread is grim. Can you imagine if this was a man posting about not liking the feel/look of a woman's vagina and a bunch of other men came on and they started gossiping about women they'd had sex with previously and taking the piss out of their physical failings?

Go on body building forum relationships/miscellaneous .... that would be a very mild thread indeed on there.

We've found out there are women out there who share pics of their partner's genitalia down the local boozer

You haven’t found that out though, have you? That’s not even remotely what I said. I’ve found out that people utterly lack reading and comprehension skills though 😆

There is more to life than the size of a penis

Talk about stating the obvious!

However, we are talking about wanting satisfactory sex, with someone who can fulfill our sexual needs.

Why is that a problem?

You haven’t found that out though, have you? That’s not even remotely what I said. I’ve found out that people utterly lack reading and comprehension skills though 😆

Justheretoaskaquestion91
There are a lot of bitter/jealous women out there. Who have obviously traded a decent sex life for other things.

I've read stories on here about women who have never experienced an orgasm with their partner/husband. Like WTF?!

Just because some of you are happy to accept below par sex, doesn't mean you should judge those of us that won't accept it.

@LeifSan I don’t need to give my head a wobble.

If there’s anything this thread has shown, it is that all of us place the importance of good satisfying sex at differing levels. Some posters have clearly stated sex doesn’t matter, other qualities (good companion) matter much more. Some posters have said they would not compromise in this area.

Each to their own.

For me personally?

1. this situation is messy. It’s not just random guy it’s a good friend
2. I only have sex with one person, haven’t ever done multiple partners and it would be disrespectful to this friend to start now. So the whole time I continue to have sex with this friend, I will not be having it elsewhere. Fine, if it was fun and fulfilling and I could wait to get my hands on him and get naked. I don’t. That’s the simple fact and I cannot change how I feel.
3. Sex is still very important to me. That may change, it may not. But at this stage in my life (between relationships) I would like some good hot sex.
4. The matter of size has become the elephant in the room. He hasn’t said a word and neither have I. Great sex takes communication. Honest communication. He knows about his equipment, and it would possibly be easier if he was to say ‘listen, I’m fully aware that I’m on the smaller side, let’s talk about it.’ If I now bring it up and then say, ‘can we just be friends’ he will know why. For me it’s no different than having the conversation that says (at my age) ‘my vagina is changing, it’s more delicate and we need to use lubricant.’ You have to be able to talk about this stuff. He has been in the bed with me and yet he says not one word.

At the end of the day, maybe if I was in the space of wanting a relationship, this may be something I could give my head a wobble about.
But I’m not. I want some fun. That includes great sex. Which this isn’t.

[quote sassbott]@LeifSan I don’t need to give my head a wobble.

If there’s anything this thread has shown, it is that all of us place the importance of good satisfying sex at differing levels. Some posters have clearly stated sex doesn’t matter, other qualities (good companion) matter much more. Some posters have said they would not compromise in this area.

Each to their own.

For me personally?

1. this situation is messy. It’s not just random guy it’s a good friend
2. I only have sex with one person, haven’t ever done multiple partners and it would be disrespectful to this friend to start now. So the whole time I continue to have sex with this friend, I will not be having it elsewhere. Fine, if it was fun and fulfilling and I could wait to get my hands on him and get naked. I don’t. That’s the simple fact and I cannot change how I feel.
3. Sex is still very important to me. That may change, it may not. But at this stage in my life (between relationships) I would like some good hot sex.
4. The matter of size has become the elephant in the room. He hasn’t said a word and neither have I. Great sex takes communication. Honest communication. He knows about his equipment, and it would possibly be easier if he was to say ‘listen, I’m fully aware that I’m on the smaller side, let’s talk about it.’ If I now bring it up and then say, ‘can we just be friends’ he will know why. For me it’s no different than having the conversation that says (at my age) ‘my vagina is changing, it’s more delicate and we need to use lubricant.’ You have to be able to talk about this stuff. He has been in the bed with me and yet he says not one word.

At the end of the day, maybe if I was in the space of wanting a relationship, this may be something I could give my head a wobble about.
But I’m not. I want some fun. That includes great sex. Which this isn’t.[/quote]
I was quoting another poster with the head wobble thing, and explaining that I think it is perfectly possible to find someone who you are both sexually compatible with and compatible with in other ways (and yes, crowing about how i’ve found exactly that!)

I agree with you.