Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

222 replies

sassbott · 27/12/2021 16:21

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

OP posts:
Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 17:34

Yes. There’s chemistry there. I like kissing him, which is why it ended up going further/ crossing the line.

OP posts:
StormBaby · 27/12/2021 17:48

Then he isn’t the one for you. If he was, the size wouldn’t matter. I’m a reformed sizeist myself 🤣

ProudThrilledHappy · 27/12/2021 18:03

Is it possible that with open conversation the sex can be improved, perhaps if either of you are stimulating your clitoris during sex or if he finishes you off after? Or is it all just a bit terrible?

WaltzingBetty · 27/12/2021 18:06

YANBU
You aren't looking for a serious relationship and FWB only works when there are actual benefits!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2021 18:09

How disappointing. Reset with him and find someone else for sex. It’s hugely important to me and not something I’d compromise on.

PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2021 18:14

35 years into my sex life I would say never get into anything longterm with anything less than fireworks, unless you have an overwhelming need that trumps being with someone till death. I know a couple who have pretty much agreed to coparent platonically, they are actually a great couple and no problem. I would expect that it will either end after their child moves out or there will be some kind of 'arrangement' somewhere along the line. But that's not your situation.

SuckIt · 27/12/2021 18:18

I voted YABU because my bf’s sex game took time and now it’s fucking awesome.
However his was about confidence and us learning what we both like.
Then I read a bit more and realised it’s an endowment issue… now I’m not so sure.
That is very hard to compensate for.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/12/2021 18:18

Poor sex but willing to learn. I could go with that.

Tiny penis, probably not. I like sex, I'm used to good sex. Someone very small would be an issue unless I was a lot older.

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 18:21

I’m in my 40’s. I know it’s not old by any stretch of the imagination. At all. But I’m also very cognizant that great people and connections like this don’t just happen easily. It does get harder the older you get.

Everything else works. We work in a similar field. We like the same movies/ shows. We have a similar sense of humour. I enjoy his company. So much.

It’s just WHYYYYY??!

OP posts:
PippaHugo · 27/12/2021 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sportslady44 · 27/12/2021 18:22

Seriously how would you like it if you met someone and they went online saying I met this great girl but her bosoms are too small.

Stop being shallow. The perfect man does not exist out there. You might meet someone bigger down there but you don't fancy them or get on with them. Nobody has it all. Grab him if he's a good un and you feel comfortable with him. Intecourse is a bonus presume he has hands and a mouth. Your worrying about the wrong things. Go for it. He can't help what he's got as you can't. Does tat mean he shouldn't be entitled to a relationship

gogohm · 27/12/2021 18:23

Sort depends on where in your life cycle you are. At 22 I would have said no don't settle, but I'm nearly 50 and a great companion trumps average in the bedroom department

3scape · 27/12/2021 18:24

If you're both lacking the imagination to overcome tessellation issues then it's not going to work Grin.

But you could try working on your technique, movent / involvement. Getting yourself to the right angle takes practice.

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 18:24

@PippaHugo thanks. That’s a good point. It’s not an endowment issue but a gaping bucket vagina. It’s all about perspective.

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 27/12/2021 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sleepyquest · 27/12/2021 18:28

Hmm it's not all about the penis though! What about other stuff? I personally have never given up on a man due to bedroom incompatibility BUT not sure I have had the issue you have! If you really aren't feeling it, go back to friends.

Original poster
sassbott · 27/12/2021 18:30

@TrishM80 you know what? The other day I thought I had become Mary poppins. Then I realised it was just physics and a gust of wind. 😬

OP posts:
Notthemessiah · 27/12/2021 18:32

I hope he doesn’t already know about your unhappiness with his lack of size, otherwise I’d say you have very little chance of keeping the friendship if you do break up and he knows the reason why.

Not a reason to stay with him, but you should be prepared for the fallout.

LostForIdeas · 27/12/2021 18:42

As someone who chose to ignore the crap sex and carry on with the relationship, I’d say, wo a doubt, don’t do it.

Shitsexsucks · 27/12/2021 18:45

Hi, op.

I've posted a lot about this dilemma. My opinion is that too many women settle for shit sex for something they think is a better trade off.

For once, I am putting my needs first. And not investing in a relationship that will not satisfy me.

Most of my friends are of the same view.

I don't think any healthy man (excluding er/illness) would initially stay with a woman that couldn't make him cum.

This is just my personal opinion

It's a huge gamble but I want the whole package!

Lavender24 · 27/12/2021 18:47

In my early 20s I got into a relationship with a very pushy older friend because I was too much of a mug to tell him I didn't fancy him. To be honest the sex was absolutely shit. He had problems maintaining an etection and he was very slow and gentle all the time which I found boring. The sex issue just got worse as time went on and we broke up after nine months.

I've known my DH since we were teenagers but when we did cross that line the sex was great once we got past the initial first time/new partner awkwardness. We don't have sex as often now due to having a small child but when we do it's still great.

So to answer your question, yes I do think sex is important. Is it really just the small penis or is there just a general lack of sexual chemistry?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 27/12/2021 18:52

My DH a has an enormous penis. Honestly; it’s magnificent. I swear one of the reasons I will try so hard to make this marriage work is I can’t go back to playing penis lottery. It’s horrible. Some of the willies out there are dreadful snd you don’t know until you’ve invested some time.

YANBU. Willy size can be a deal breaker. But tbh so can many things: bad kissing, bizarre fetishes etc you’re not into, lack of chemistry etc.

Lots of things can be fixed: selfishness, laziness, cluelessness - these are things you can train someone out of if the attraction is there and the goods are acceptable.

BigFatLiar · 27/12/2021 18:55

The friendship may be over unless he is equally dissatisfied with you. If he knows he wasn't good enough for you he may just move on.
If your relationship is founded on sex you may have a long term issue if in the future.
I suspect he may be better of with someone who wants him for who he is rather than his penis.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 27/12/2021 18:55

People are so different, I guess.

If I fancy someone and have an intellectual connection, I will enjoy the sex.

On the other hand, it is rare I meet someone I connect with.

I guess it is all about personal preference. Good sex is easy, a good relationship is hard, but maybe you find it the opposite way around.

Regardless, if the relationship does not work for you, regardless of reason, you need to finish it before you are both invested.

Lavender24 · 27/12/2021 18:55

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

My DH a has an enormous penis. Honestly; it’s magnificent. I swear one of the reasons I will try so hard to make this marriage work is I can’t go back to playing penis lottery. It’s horrible. Some of the willies out there are dreadful snd you don’t know until you’ve invested some time.

YANBU. Willy size can be a deal breaker. But tbh so can many things: bad kissing, bizarre fetishes etc you’re not into, lack of chemistry etc.

Lots of things can be fixed: selfishness, laziness, cluelessness - these are things you can train someone out of if the attraction is there and the goods are acceptable.

Fair enough 😂😂😂