IABU to not have a relationship with someone where the sex is not great

[sassbott]

So just had a long convo with some RL girlfriends about this and they both had polar opposite opinions.

There is a man in my life whom I have known for years. We have tons in common, always have a great time and up until recently we’re completely platonic. I came out a relationship this year and for the first time this friend of mine and I crossed a line and ended up sleeping together a few times.

The sex is not great. At all. But in every other area, we get on great. I’m also not looking for anything serious anytime soon and he knows that.

My view is that because the sex is really below par, I need to reset our friendship - move it back to platonic only and not mess him around or continue to sleep with him just because it’s easy and available. Sex and great sex is super important to me, I cannot fathom falling into a relationship where it is already so ‘meh.’

One of my friends thinks I am nuts to try and put boundaries around it. I should give it more time given how well we get on and see if the sex improves.

Another friend tends to agree with me, life is too short for not great sex and I should put this back into a friendship footing and go get my sexual kicks elsewhere (and have lots of safe fun doing so).

So I ask. Thoughts?

YABU - stick with it, the other stuff matters and give it time to see if the sex improves.
YANBU - it’s either there or it isn’t. Don’t flog a dead horse. If sex is important to you - don’t settle for anything less than fireworks!

Sorry @LeifSan I knew that but still quoted you! So sorry

NRTFT

This will ultimately cause understandable but unfair resentment on your behalf that might lead you to stray.

It's better for both of you to move on.

NRTFT either, but some advice based on personal experience

If sex is important (and for some people it is not), in the early stages of a relationship you need to work to get a good understanding if you are compatible. While "doing" will help a lot of course, talking about it is just as important. You need to be aligned on:

• frequency
• things that are OK / not OK

If you are not, then it will be serious trouble down the line. I've been there! You'll see so many posts about it on MN. Ensure you are compatible.

I think, rereading everything, that you are looking for a FWB relationship and, in that context, the benefits have to be good.

OTOH, for a deep relationship, I do find an obsession with penis size to be shallow. Yes, everyone has the right to be shallow, and if a particular style of jeans puts you off a person, you are not obliged to be in a relationship with them (though people can also judge you as shallow).

The problem is you risked it with a good friend, and are now risking the friendship. However, he may be cool to going back to being friends.

@Salayes

God it’s depressing how people can hear a man does not have a penis that is big enough for a woman - said calmly and politely and not calling the man names or belittling him - and react by saying nasty misogynistic things about. Wizards Sleeves, baggy vagina? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so offended that a woman might actually want someone with a penis she is compatible with that you need to make such gross comments?

It’s a fact that some people are not compatible physically because of penis size. I’ve slept with someone too big for me and someone too small. And too cone shaped, and too skinny. So is that a terrible thing to say? Do we need to slag off my vagina and imply i’m a ‘bucket’ or like a vice???

It’s ok for women to be concerned with their sexual pleasure. And even for that to come down to dick size if that is a big deal to that woman.

I agree, it's really sad - especially in a so called safe space like MN.

Op you sound amazing and no way should you settle for rubbish sex - I'm in my 40s and sex is more important to me than ever.
I've learnt over the years that penis size is important (I've not had children either to the women haters on here!) I didn't used to think it was, but now I'm older and wiser and looking for sexual partners rather than a husband - it's definitely so important to how enjoyable sex is to me. They need to know how to kiss, use their months and hands as well of course, and I give my best too.

@sassbott

It’s physical endowment. His. It’s not fixable.

I’m very very tight down below and I had a small guy once and to be honest fitted me very well. Is it possible you are erm quite big as well? Maybe it’s not all him? Not being rude but what could be you just aren’t small

He knows about his equipment, and it would possibly be easier if he was to say ‘listen, I’m fully aware that I’m on the smaller side, let’s talk about it.’

But does he, though?

A lot of men are ignorant to the fact that they are small. Especially, if it hasn't been directly pointed out to them...which I wouldn't do.

I’m very very tight down below and I had a small guy once and to be honest fitted me very well. Is it possible you are erm quite big as well? Maybe it’s not all him? Not being rude but what could be you just aren’t small

But if you are 'very very tight' down there, doesn't that stand to reason that a smaller dick would fit you better?

It's not rocket science. For most of us who are not 'very very tight' down there, it wouldn't suffice, would it?

@Shitsexsucks

I’m very very tight down below and I had a small guy once and to be honest fitted me very well. Is it possible you are erm quite big as well? Maybe it’s not all him? Not being rude but what could be you just aren’t small

But if you are 'very very tight' down there, doesn't that stand to reason that a smaller dick would fit you better?

It's not rocket science. For most of us who are not 'very very tight' down there, it wouldn't suffice, would it?

Well yeah also what I’m trying to say is some women don’t have nice vaginas, too large and just no sensation for the man. My current partner says some women have buckets down there for vaginas yet blame the man. Sorry but maybe some women need to take responsibility and not blame everything on the man. I’ve had 3 kids and take care of myself I can accommodate everything and been told I have a lovely rare great fit for all. I’m so lucky I guess lol

Just go back to being friends.

I met a woman whilst dating, very, very attractive, stable, career, home, not an Alki or druggie, etc.
Unfortunately despite everything we or I just couldn't click in the bedroom, in the end, I called it a day after a few months.

We occasionally chat via Facebook, I still cannot figure out what my problem was.

My current partner says some women have buckets down there for vaginas yet blame the man. Sorry but maybe some women need to take responsibility and not blame everything on the man. I’ve had 3 kids and take care of myself I can accommodate everything and been told I have a lovely rare great fit for all. I’m so lucky I guess lol

Weird flex but ok I guess

I love the way people think they are going to meet their perfect partner.
Even if things are perfect to start with dosent mean they might not have an affair with someone else or become unwell and unable to perform.

Couples break up and it's nothing to do with penus size.

@Sportslady44

I love the way people think they are going to meet their perfect partner. Even if things are perfect to start with dosent mean they might not have an affair with someone else or become unwell and unable to perform.

Couples break up and it's nothing to do with penus size.

I've met mine and he has a lovely penis :) There is nothing wrong with being picky and no woman needs to have a relationship. It's better to be alone than to settle.

I have not had vaginal deliveries. I’ve also not had loads of dick but I’ve had enough experience (of varying shapes/ sizes) to say categorically that this one is not a good ‘fit’ for me in anyway.

@sassbott

It’s physical endowment. His. It’s not fixable.

He's not called Matthew is he?

That’s not to say whether I have a larger’ vagina than most naturally or not? I have no basis for comparison. Like I said, this is the first ever situation where it’s been this bad. In terms of fitting/ connecting.

@Shitsexsucks that’s a good point. I have actually no idea if he knows or not. You make a fair point, if I’m not saying anything, maybe others haven’t either. I doubt a guy who found sex with me unsatisfying would say to my face ‘you have a big fanny.’ Fair point, well made. Thank you

Well yeah also what I’m trying to say is some women don’t have nice vaginas, too large and just no sensation for the man. My current partner says some women have buckets down there for vaginas yet blame the man. Sorry but maybe some women need to take responsibility and not blame everything on the man. I’ve had 3 kids and take care of myself I can accommodate everything and been told I have a lovely rare great fit for all. I’m so lucky I guess lol

Smells like misogyny in here…

I’ve had 3 kids and take care of myself I can accommodate everything and been told I have a lovely rare great fit for all. I’m so lucky I guess lol

Why would a man tell you that you have a rare fit for all? Sorry, I don't mean to sound thick but you're not making much sense..

@Shitsexsucks that’s a good point. I have actually no idea if he knows or not. You make a fair point, if I’m not saying anything, maybe others haven’t either. I doubt a guy who found sex with me unsatisfying would say to my face ‘you have a big fanny.’ Fair point, well made. Thank you

I think men take cues on how much satisfaction we are feigning showing, irregardless of their penis size.

As I mentioned upthread, the amount of fake orgasms I have managed to scream out, is an embarrassment to me, but it seemed better than the alternative of being honest with a man. And talking to my friends, they've all done this, too.

I am not a mean person, so it seemed easier for me to 'play the game'.

However, the first time I did orgasm, I was as quiet as a mouse and he accused me of faking!

met mine and he has a lovely penis smile
There is nothing wrong with being picky and no woman needs to have a relationship. It's better to be alone than to settle...

How smug. No guarantees you will always be together and also what would you do if an illness meant he couldn't perform dump him.

Life is hard and it's not actually easy to meet someone you gel with and get on year in year out. There's alot to making a relationship work. How about loyalty, honesty, kindness, these are far more important than penis size.

It's no good meeting someone who has a large penis if they are abusivefr to you and are unfaithful etc. Does anyone find everything they want in one person.

Perhaps this is why men send Dick pics, many women find size important so no point pursuing a potential relationship if their dick isn't good enough.

@Sportslady44 I think a lot depends on where you are in your life.

I am relatively recently single (only just over 3 months). I am working through a lot. I am not wanting a relationship nor would it be healthy for me to get into one so quickly. However in the meantime. I would like some really hot sex. It’s that simple and this thread has helped me bottom that out.

Now the reality is, for sex. I shouldn’t have crossed the line with this friend (even though he knew ALL the above before we hooked up). But it was easy/ lazy option. And it answered a question we had both been mulling.

No I’m not stupid enough to believe I would get everything in a partner and compromises are needed. But to be honest? If I’m only going to be having sex with one person for the rest of my life, It needs to be good. Now I’m not saying I need fireworks. But I need more than this was.

And as a PP stated. Eventually if my intimate needs aren’t being fulfilled? There is a high risk I will stray. And that’s simply not ok.

been told I have a lovely rare great fit for all

I’m not disputing that you have a world class vagina; I’m sure you do. However it’s a very odd way to phrase it. How can you know it’s a “rare great fit for all?” - how many penises have you tried to fit and what different sizes? It’s just quite an odd way of phrasing it. Your comment did make me think though; I’ve had my vagina complimented and I’ve always taken it at face value, but when I consider all the truly horrendous penises I have complimented, I wonder how much these comments actually mean 😆🤦🏻‍♀️

@BigFatLiar

It’s not a bad point at all!

[quote sassbott]@Sportslady44 I think a lot depends on where you are in your life.

I am relatively recently single (only just over 3 months). I am working through a lot. I am not wanting a relationship nor would it be healthy for me to get into one so quickly. However in the meantime. I would like some really hot sex. It’s that simple and this thread has helped me bottom that out.

Now the reality is, for sex. I shouldn’t have crossed the line with this friend (even though he knew ALL the above before we hooked up). But it was easy/ lazy option. And it answered a question we had both been mulling.

No I’m not stupid enough to believe I would get everything in a partner and compromises are needed. But to be honest? If I’m only going to be having sex with one person for the rest of my life, It needs to be good. Now I’m not saying I need fireworks. But I need more than this was.

And as a PP stated. Eventually if my intimate needs aren’t being fulfilled? There is a high risk I will stray. And that’s simply not ok.[/quote]
I think your post tells you all you need to know. You may have ruined your friendship but so what. At present all you want is sex. Why not just go out and have sex, I'm sure there are hook up sites where you can sample all the sex you want, just take precautions.
Sex is key to your relationship so just don't have a proper relationship. If you're ready to dump a partner because he can't perform for some reason (illness/injury) don't start, stick with casual sex.