Dh shouts at 3 year old if she won’t sleep

[Pipesofpeas]

Our Dd is 3, she’s very lively and has always struggled on and off to fall asleep at night. She’s been going through a few weeks of not being able to fall asleep easily and then waking up early, so is overtired.
We’ve been putting her to bed earlier and doing the routine we’ve always done-teeth, story, lights out, cuddling up to her etc.
We alternate bedtimes and Dh just isn’t able to cope with it, she definitely can be hard work but is only 3. I had to come up and take over tonight as he was shouting at her to go to sleep, getting angry and storming around. She was being difficult, running around, not getting into bed etc. I totally get how hard it is, parenting is hard, but shouting and getting angry just makes it so much worse. I’ve just been lay here cuddling to to her whilst she cried and said she can’t sleep and is trying. Just feel so sad for her and wish he’d just step up and be a better parent. He always says he’s tired from work, yes I get it, I’m tired too, we’re all tired ffs

*Up to her

Wow. I’m sorry OP.

“Go to sleep” is never helpful to say, as children can’t make it happen. If he has to shout at her (and he should not) then tell him to give her instructions she can at least follow, eg “get into bed and lie there quietly. Wait for sleep to come.”

Putting children to bed can be hellish, and they usually aren’t physically tired as in general we get way too little exercise. Plus modern diets are high in sugar etc and don’t promote sleep either.

Anyway I don’t know your situation but I fired DH from all bedtimes / night wakings and have done them all. For many years. Do I find DH less attractive and less loveable as a result? Hell yes.

Rationally I agree with you: can you imagine shouting at an adult to go to sleep?!

But I've been there with my 3 year old and my patience goes in the evening: I have lost it and shouted at her. For us a later bedtime and better routine helped. Also if DH or I are getting to the end of our tether we know to step away and ask the other parent for help.

I don't think at 3 she should be running around (it's not going to help her wind down). So:

• If he's shouting at her because she's not getting into bed and doing things to wind herself up, I get it.

• If he's shouting at her because she's lying in bed but can't sleep then obviously not on. Or, if she's been trying 15 mins and then got up.

But please don't 'protect' your DD and then basically encourage bad behavior. Yes dh shouldn't shout and it won't help her calm down, but it's frustrating if she's not listening and I would be very firm with her.

If she’s waking up so early why are you putting her to bed earlier and not later?

That’s horrible. I’m sorry he’s like that OP.

He needs to step away and regulate his OWN emotions. How is he expecting it of a three year old when he clearly can’t do it himself?

And yes I also agree with @MerryMarigold and if he shouted at her because she’s running around when she should be in bed then I understand the shouting too

He’s not shouting because she’s awake, though. He’s cross because she’s mucking about and leaping around. It’s very, very frustrating (as you know) when you’re tired and they are buggering about when all you want is to be downstairs staring at the wall.

Once she’s asleep, go and talk to him about the best approach to take together.

@MerryMarigold He was shouting at her when she was lay in bed too as she couldn’t keep still and kept talking, she does talk a lot.
It IS difficult, really bloody hard at times, but he’s too aggressive in his approach, because he’s tired and just can’t do it.
As frustrating as it is, you can’t just shout or tell someone to go to sleep, she’s said how much she’s trying but can’t sleep,
I’m knackered too but took over and spent ages trying to be as patient as possible and trying to help her calm down. I’m not perfect, I shout too at times, but I’m tired too, this is my second night plus 12 hour days alone with her being overtired, but it’s not her fault.

@OneRuleForThem I’ve moved it back a half hour as she’s clearly exhausted through the day at the moment but won’t nap either. She’s just going through a phase of not sleeping enough which has a big impact on her behaviour. Going to bed at normal time and waking up early is resulting in her barely having enough sleep

@Mumoblue I just don’t want her to be affected by it

We had a predictable bed routine of bath, story, cuddles but then I always left them to settle on their own. They had audio books or quiet music playing, and they knew that they could play quietly but not leave their rooms. And absolutely no screens after 5pm so their brains had chance to wind down.

Shouting isn't going to help anyone, least of all your DD. You both need to agree on a routine and stick to it, and he needs to know that shouting isn't an option.

No, it's not her fault, it's his fault. He's the adult. Parenting classes are available online, or you could ask your HV for advice.
A walk outside in the late afternoon/evening might help. Shouting will just distress her.

To all the posters excusing the husband's behaviour, the child is three . No one should be shouting at a three year old for behaving like one. Would you like to be shouted out by someone much bigger than you, with all the power? It terrified me as a small child.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. In your shoes I'd take over bedtimes and insist my husband take a long, hard look at himself, possibly with some professional help.

I’d probably do a little experiment, tbh, but I’m a bit of a knob.

Next time he’s tossing and turning in bed just sit up and shout at him ‘go to sleep’, then lie down and turn over without answering any questions he has as to why you did it.

Or if he’s one of those lucky types that drops off instantly every night; wait until he’s getting frustrated at something uncontrollable at work and just shout ‘it’s your fault’ and then leave the room.

He needs to be made acutely aware of how uncontrollable this sleeplessness is for your dd

I have energetic night owls. They do better with later than average bedtimes when they're genuinely tired (different to a child going hyper-tired)

Distracting their busy brains from the process of "going to sleep" with something soothing like soft music works quite well. I recommend the 10 hour Wet Hands track on youtube- it's the piano music from Minecraft) or an audio book.

Shouting really won't help!

He’s fucking useless at putting her to bed, clearly. How is yelling at someone and crashing about going to help? I have sympathy at feeling frustrated- my child has a sleep disorder and has to take melatonin to help him sleep. He has his medication, brushes his teeth, shower, book, light out and listens to a story on audible while he drifts off. He has a fan on all year round as the white noise helps him too. I wait in his room until after he’s asleep, this is due to his anxiety more than anything. I don’t speak to him unless he specifically asks me something which isn’t often these days as he knows it’s time to sleep.

The above has taken literally years of hard slog and not losing my mind or my temper even when I’ve been dead on my feet with exhaustion. Keep on doing what you’re doing already with the same routine etc and the not yelling and slamming about.

It sounds horrible written down but I think many parents become a bit more shouty when we're all tired and the DC just won't sleep. More so when they are playing up rather than lying down trying to sleep. I'm never angry or aggressive, just frustrated and trying to get through to DC but I know it's no good.

There are nights when I have endless patience and others where I just have none. On nights when I have none, I tag in DH and vice versa. We work as a team.

How active is your DC in the day? Do they still nap? I've found I need to a) physically tire my DD out, and b) she also needs quiet time before bed, so no TV or screens or background noise and I put my phone away too. 15mins of 1:1 play doing puzzles or a jigsaw etc works so well before the usual bed, story etc.

It sounds like his expectations of a three year olds behaviour are way off. Does he go to any activities where there are other toddlers there, swimming? Playgroups? Soft play? People don't know what they don't know. I found my husband became infinitely more patient once he started to meet other toddlers. And realised they're all little terrorists!

Don’t let him put her to bed again. He can’t be trusted to behave himself.

Shout at him when he's struggling to sleep

I doubt she'll be effected by it... Weirdly we were just talking about toddler bedtimes with DC...DC2 was a horror, absolute horror, shouting at us, tantrums, up down, up down, tears. Christ it was wearing, unbelievably wearing from babyhood until about 5.....And yes at times both of us lost it and shouted....Oddly when DC was talking about it today, they remember it being tricky (and the star charts/bribes)....but also remembered not wanting to go to bed because there was maybe something interesting going on downstairs (older sibling) and tbh a down right obstinacy "I just thought if I stayed awake when you said you'd be up to check in 15/ 25 min then you'd see I wasn't tired even though I was sleepy....

We leave our nearly 3yo (who is master of the bedtime escape routine) with a book in his bed and he talks to himself for a while with the light on and eventually falls asleep. We also allow him some playtime built into the bedtime routine which seems to give an outlet for his energy.

I'm afraid to say I've shouted at my 3.5 year olds recently when they have been mucking around. I know it's totally the wrong thing, as it stresses them out and I'm really aware that they are not pickles on purpose. I'm on my own with them and exhausted being with them 24/7. But, as PPs have said, we are the adults and need to regulate ourselves.

Kids with adhd struggle to sleep & talk a lot. Shouting and aggression is definitely not the way to calm her down as it causes her to be more wound up (obv).

Even if she's not ND and I'm definitely not armchair dxing, maybe try some of the techniques people with adhd kids use as they're generally calming and helpful.

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