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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh shouts at 3 year old if she won’t sleep

225 replies

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 20:35

Our Dd is 3, she’s very lively and has always struggled on and off to fall asleep at night. She’s been going through a few weeks of not being able to fall asleep easily and then waking up early, so is overtired.
We’ve been putting her to bed earlier and doing the routine we’ve always done-teeth, story, lights out, cuddling up to her etc.
We alternate bedtimes and Dh just isn’t able to cope with it, she definitely can be hard work but is only 3. I had to come up and take over tonight as he was shouting at her to go to sleep, getting angry and storming around. She was being difficult, running around, not getting into bed etc. I totally get how hard it is, parenting is hard, but shouting and getting angry just makes it so much worse. I’ve just been lay here cuddling to to her whilst she cried and said she can’t sleep and is trying. Just feel so sad for her and wish he’d just step up and be a better parent. He always says he’s tired from work, yes I get it, I’m tired too, we’re all tired ffs

OP posts:

SpellBounds · 21/12/2021 21:52

@moita

Rationally I agree with you: can you imagine shouting at an adult to go to sleep?!

But I've been there with my 3 year old and my patience goes in the evening: I have lost it and shouted at her. For us a later bedtime and better routine helped. Also if DH or I are getting to the end of our tether we know to step away and ask the other parent for help.

Same as this in our house. We've both lost our shit occasionally and shouted and felt horrendously guilty after but now we do our best to take over from the other if its getting too much.

esloquehay · 21/12/2021 21:53

OP, please ignore the PPs suggesting that you are doing the wrong thing by lying with her to help her settle.
(When I'm not being crap, tired and shouty), I stay with my twins to help them settle because they NEED it. They are just short of 4. You're doing exactly what your daughter needs at this stage.
💚

sendinallthesheep · 21/12/2021 21:54

It is perfectly natural for three year olds to want someone there when they fall asleep. It isn't bad behaviour or a distraction technique. They are tiny little people who's brains are not even close to being fully developed and they need love, patience and understanding, not being put in a dark room and told to figure it out for themselves.

rrhuth · 21/12/2021 21:56

@Pipesofpeas

My view is you need to speak to your DH about this.

Does he think he is losing his rag?
What is he trying to achieve by shouting?
Can you and he come to shared view of what you are going to do at bedtime?

He sounds like a twat for shouting, it won't help.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 21/12/2021 21:58

I don’t blame him for getting annoyed but yelling at her won’t help. You mention her refusal to nap in the day. A three year old shouldn’t need to nap in the day. She’ll be even worse if you let her sleep in the day.

We found an audio book really helpful for getting our children to settle down at night. The CALM app on your phone also does childrens bedtime stories.

Bunnycat101 · 21/12/2021 22:01

Your daughter sounds a bit like mine. A gave up trying to enforce a particular time to sleep. From about 3, we’ve tucked her in on the understanding she’ll play for a bit longer. I don’t care what she does in her room as long as she stays in there and gives us some peace. Sometimes she’ll be bouncing around for what feels like ages, other times she’ll conk in minutes. If we tried to get her to sleep while we were there we’d be there all bloody night and have battles.

OneRuleForThem · 21/12/2021 22:06

OP it does come across as minimising her behaviour from you.

But it’s not that she’s deliberately being naughty or arsing about but in your OP you said he was shouting at her to go to sleep, getting angry and storming around. She was being difficult, running around, not getting into bed etc if she’s supposed to be in bed but she is in fact not in bed and is instead running around, then that is deliberate.

Chickenfarmer4 · 21/12/2021 22:07

I went through this as a child, OP. it was horrible for me too- I was exhausted. From ages 0-7 I just couldn’t sleep. In the end, my mum would curl up at the end of my bed, so as I fell asleep, I knew she was there and I was safe. If that didn’t work, I just went downstairs and watched TV with them. Funnily, she has issues with sleeping too, so it’s probably genetic. I would also sleep between my parents if it was really late- and I always slept well then!
Just let her sleep in your bed, or stay up, if you must. No point stressing DD or DH over this, or yourself. I know this isn’t ideal, but she’ll hopefully grow out of it. I know she’s overtired, but the fact of the matter is, worrying about it won’t fix a thing. You could try cutting out E numbers, junk food etc, but you’re better off letting DD know that not being able to sleep is fine, but she should lie still and rest etc. she could be stressed out that she can’t sleep, or an alert person by nature.

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:08

@OnlyFoolsnMothers We go up to bed with her at 7, teeth, story, lights out etc. She was really tired today and very upset at bedtime, I came up and took over and she eventually fell asleep around 8.30, she generally wakes around 7 ish and doesn’t nap in the day anymore. So she’s getting 10.5 hrs which isn’t enough for her as she’s tired and difficult in the day and the cycle continues

OP posts:

AliceMcK · 21/12/2021 22:08

Do you have something in her room you can set up to play lullabies or something, echo, tablet? We always had an old iPad in our DDs rooms to play white noise, it really worked well even at 3yo.

I’ve heard good things about those toniboxes, maybe if she had something like that she could listen to, change stories or songs herself in her room without getting up she will drift off when ready.

At the moment my 4yo lies in bed looking at her Christmas tree and she has a LED crown Christmas tree topper I’ve just got on her draws, she likes looking at the lights when falling to sleep.

LowlandLucky · 21/12/2021 22:09

If anyone can get through parenthood without shouting they must be superhuman, so glad you can manage it.

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:13

@OneRuleForThem Running around as in messing about, taking a while to do her teeth etc from the sound of it. Even when she comes in a lies down and is talking (yes it’s painful when it’s been all day and she doesn’t stop) he’s shouting at her to go to sleep. I don’t do this, I pretend to fall asleep too or gently shush her or say ok sleep now. She’s stated lots of times she can’t get to sleep and she gets quite upset about it. As difficult and exhausting as it is, I’m trying to stay patient and help her to do that, shouting and stomping about isn’t going to help and then she gets more upset and starts calling for me and crying

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/12/2021 22:13

[quote Pipesofpeas]@OnlyFoolsnMothers We go up to bed with her at 7, teeth, story, lights out etc. She was really tired today and very upset at bedtime, I came up and took over and she eventually fell asleep around 8.30, she generally wakes around 7 ish and doesn’t nap in the day anymore. So she’s getting 10.5 hrs which isn’t enough for her as she’s tired and difficult in the day and the cycle continues[/quote]
It’s not awful- not ideal the hour and half night routine. Have you tried the odd day of a mid day nap (sometimes sleep breeds sleep)?

rrhuth · 21/12/2021 22:13

8:30-7 is OK, 7 is quite a late wake up time.

NHS guidance is 10-13 hours for age 3-5, I would try leaving it half an hour if you are wasting 1.5 hours trying to get someone to sleep.

Can they not just go up and play in bed for a while before you go up?

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:13

@LowlandLucky Here we go, I said I shout, did you read through? I lose my temper and feel guilty fairly often actually, this is different

OP posts:

Newduvet · 21/12/2021 22:14

@OneRuleForThem

OP it does come across as minimising her behaviour from you.

Absolutely

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:15

@AliceMcK I was using an app that she quite liked and it did calm her a little, but not to sleep, I’ll look into it thank you 🙏

OP posts:

rrhuth · 21/12/2021 22:16

[quote Pipesofpeas]@OneRuleForThem Running around as in messing about, taking a while to do her teeth etc from the sound of it. Even when she comes in a lies down and is talking (yes it’s painful when it’s been all day and she doesn’t stop) he’s shouting at her to go to sleep. I don’t do this, I pretend to fall asleep too or gently shush her or say ok sleep now. She’s stated lots of times she can’t get to sleep and she gets quite upset about it. As difficult and exhausting as it is, I’m trying to stay patient and help her to do that, shouting and stomping about isn’t going to help and then she gets more upset and starts calling for me and crying[/quote]
Maybe if you stop tryng to get her to sleep and just say 'it is fine, we all fall asleep in different times, you're doing great' or something.

It sounds like you are both a bit obsessed with her going to sleep, one is shouting and the other is shushing.

Why is she upset about not getting to sleep? She will sleep when she needs to sleep. Trust her a bit more maybe?

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:18

@rrhuth I don’t know, really don’t, she’s tired on that amount of sleep, she’s just tired a lot in the day. Not sure what to do or if more is going on

OP posts:

Everydayimhuffling · 21/12/2021 22:20

Shouting isn't great, but haven't most people with a partner needed them to step in during a frustrated shouty moment? I definitely have, especially when my kids aren't sleeping well.

You don't seem to be willing to change a routine that isn't working, or to swap something else with your DH even though he is clearly struggling with the bedtime stuff. Is there a reason he can't make dinner or give you a break when he arrives home, and then you do bedtime as you are managing with that better at the moment?

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:21

@rrhuth She’d be up all night if we didn’t try/help to get her to sleep and she’d be tired the next day and bad behaviour etc, she really needs her sleep and states she’s tired. I do just lie there with her after story and lights out and lie quietly then she starts to say she can’t sleep and gets upset.
Do I then get her out of bed/let her play

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 21/12/2021 22:23

What about quiet time during the day (to encourage a nap) and a later bedtime?

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:24

@Everydayimhuffling I wrote it above that after being with her as much as I adore her for 12 hours per day, I need that break and alone time at night. I make dinner fairly early before Dh is home, he can’t cook that great and I don’t mind cooking that much. The only thing I ask is for a bit of time out in the evening to myself every other night, plus it’s good bonding time as if he doesn’t ever do bedtimes, he’ll barely see her/speak to her by the time he’s in from work.

OP posts:

Ballygowenwater · 21/12/2021 22:25

Moshi app, sleep story goes on and I leave the room. I am like your husband and can’t stand messing at bedtime. I try to stay calm but when I’m tired and she’s messing it’s too much for me and I need to remove myself from the situation or I’ll shout. So the sleep stories have been a life saver for us.

Original poster

Pipesofpeas · 21/12/2021 22:25

@icedcoffees I’ve tried that, until around 3, she’s 3.5 now, she napped during the day most days and later bedtime. She then stopped napping and won’t now. We always have a quiet downtime after lunch in the place where the nap would be.
Honestly I’ve tried everything

OP posts:

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