Dh shouts at 3 year old if she won’t sleep

[Pipesofpeas]

Our Dd is 3, she’s very lively and has always struggled on and off to fall asleep at night. She’s been going through a few weeks of not being able to fall asleep easily and then waking up early, so is overtired.
We’ve been putting her to bed earlier and doing the routine we’ve always done-teeth, story, lights out, cuddling up to her etc.
We alternate bedtimes and Dh just isn’t able to cope with it, she definitely can be hard work but is only 3. I had to come up and take over tonight as he was shouting at her to go to sleep, getting angry and storming around. She was being difficult, running around, not getting into bed etc. I totally get how hard it is, parenting is hard, but shouting and getting angry just makes it so much worse. I’ve just been lay here cuddling to to her whilst she cried and said she can’t sleep and is trying. Just feel so sad for her and wish he’d just step up and be a better parent. He always says he’s tired from work, yes I get it, I’m tired too, we’re all tired ffs

She’s evidently tired as yawns through her crying, she just tries to fight it and says she wants to go downstairs etc. It’s complete overtiredness from not sleeping properly fit a few nights. She’s tired out physically in the day etc, but we’ve had a couple of calmer days at home to try to calm her a little.
I just feel so sad for her and so pissed off at him that he can’t keep calm and try other techniques, he just thinks about himself, saying to her ‘I’m tired’ etc, yes we all are!
I was so looking forward to a few hours breather alone too after a couple of difficult days and nights with her, where’s my break?
If I can’t rely on him to do a bedtime properly and I have to do them all, I’ll never get a break

@Wombat69 I have wondered about this before, but think she may be a little young fi investigate yet. This makes me feel even worse for her, how horrible must it feel if she knows she needs to and wants to sleep but really actually can’t and is getting screamed at for it, I feel so awful for her and even more guilty as I can be short in the day with her when she’s overtired and then she has that at nighttime. It’s just so hard when she’s like this, it’s like she can’t stop/switch off/wind down

*To investigate

I do get it... I was always bit like this
Put to bed routine
Bath, story, love you night night etc
But god help them if they tried getting up and arsing about. A firm no and it's time for bed and not so pleasant mummy would surface

They got the message... although I didn't shout just a very exasperated tone and no sorry not happening and you've had your story now it's time for bed

Can you change your routine? I would be inclined to try something else if this has been the same situ for at least a couple of weeks- a later bedtime? Could you do some kids yoga and relaxing for 15 mins before bed or leave her an audiobook on? It sounds like your DH is really lacking in patience but it sounds really tough if you’re going through this every single night! You could try teaching her some relaxation techniques or visualisation maybe so she has something to try when she can’t sleep. It’s true that it’s not easy for everyone! Xo

@ponkydonkey But it’s not that she’s deliberately being naughty or arsing about, she cries and shouts and is completely overtired, shouting doesn’t work as she’s sort of in her own world, hard to control. When she’s *Normal, none of this happens and she’d listen and settle down fairly easily

Talk to your HV, OP. Your posts are full of emotion - anger, guilt, sadness - but you need some help to get your DD sleeping, or at least resting in bed.

Could your dh take her for a “dark” walk for half an hour and then do her bath and story whilst you have a break and then you could settle her?

I get it's frustrating that you need to step in, but we all have levels of what we can tolerate... You and your husband are a team, pick your battles. Can you do bedtimes, and he gets up so you get a lay in? Or can you do bedtimes but can he cook the evening meal so you can offload that to him? Find something he is good at, that you aren't and trade on it... Life will be much easier if you learn to trade on things when one person has the better skills for it

@Thirtytimesround I’m with you on that! I wonder if men know how they sink in our estimations when we end up having to pick up yet more slack? My theory is they think they’ve got away with it until one day it’s one thing too many and we no longer want them at all

I was like that as a kid kid and I'm now late 40s and my mum is still talking about me and not sleeping.

I go to bed knackered and ping, wide awake, even now.

Have a read of the link as it's way more detailed than I realised and there's loads of stuff down the end of it on all sorts of things like diet, sleep hygiene and exercise.

A lot of the people I know with kids with sensory issues & nd use melatonin too. I'd have a chat to the GP.

Why is he in the room if she's in bed.

Put in bed and go away.

No one should be in the room, she just needs to settle herself

Obviously he shouldn't be shouting and it's horrible you end up stressed because of that.

Practically - can you pick your battles? People talk a lot about routines for little children and I think they're lovely if you have a child who is reasonably easy, but if you're at the end of your tether and they're not working, perhaps try something different? For example, would she be likely to fall asleep if you took her for a little drive? Or if you all snuggled up in bed and watched something boring and grown-up? When DD was 3 we drove her to sleep a lot and while I know it's not a 'routine' and therefore some people will judge, in practical terms it helped us keep sane. We popped her into PJs, brushed her teeth, and took her out. These days, we quite often balance us being shattered with her not wanting to sleep, and watch Masterchef in bed until she falls asleep. At best it's five minutes of her chuntering and bouncing then falling asleep; at worst, at least we get to be comfy and to watch something.

Basically, what would you and your DP find least painful, that also ultimately results in a sleeping child?

@Dishwashersaurous She won’t and wants us there to lie next to her, I’m fine with that

@Dishwashersaurous

Why is he in the room if she's in bed.

Put in bed and go away.

No one should be in the room, she just needs to settle herself

I agree with this, and also the need to be firm as mentioned above. No one needs to shout but three year olds aren't babies or even toddlers anymore and can be told calmly and clearly what is expected of them.

@Wombat69 Do you think she sounds like she has sensory issues etc?

You're not helping by getting in bed and cuddling her. She is being rewarded for bad behaviour.

You finish the story and say goodnight and leave. If she comes out then you take her back and say goodnight and leave.

Dont read the behaviour with attention. It's hard but she will learn that getting out of bed or sitting in bed screaming just wont work to get attention.

Give her a book, or put an audiobook on or music and say goodnight. Then leave.

I really don't think a three year old who is struggling to fall asleep is behaving badly.

@ZippyZap I do every morning get up as he goes to work and I’m currently at home with her, I also cook every meal. I’m ok with that, but I need some time out in the evening after a long day, even every other night, I cannot do every single night too and I’m not willing to, it’s not fair.

@SarahAndQuack That’s the thing, she’s not, she can’t help it

I'm sure she wants lots of stuff which just doesnt help her. Sweets and toys and whatever else all kids just want all the time.

Lieing there with her is a distraction technique. She is using it to stay up, get attention and get her own way.

She is 3. That's what they do. You're not 3. You're the parent. You need to start being firm in some circumstances. Not cruel, but firm.

She really does need to learn to go to sleep alone. And you need to stop pandering because it clearly isnt working. Your husband doesnt want to do it (and he shouldnt) so you cant either. You need to have a proper routine and stick to it.

@Itsalmostanaccessory It’s not bad behaviour though? I know my Dd and it’s not her being disobedient, deliberately naughty etc. She’s overtired and not in control of her emotions, she was clinging on to me as wanted me to sleep with/cuddle up with her. I try everything, she asks me to tell her a story (a made up one from my *mouth as she says) i sing songs to her etc..eventually we get there. She just really struggles to switch off and this then leads to days of being over tired and the cycle continues. When she’s well rested, she’s a different child.
She goes through periods of really being unable to sleep and then being ok

What is the benefit of 'a proper routine' in this context, please?

The OP has had a long standing 'proper routine'. It's not working right now.

If there were a guarantee that a routine would result in a child who sleeps, that'd be fine - but clearly, that isn't the case, or the OP would never have had any issue in the first place.

@Itsalmostanaccessory We have a proper routine and always have done.
I don’t agree that she’s doing it deliberately

How bad is her sleeping at the moment - what’s her schedule?