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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you have to tell your husband what you want for Christmas?

222 replies

OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 16:21

Was taking to my friend who me ruined she had given her husband her Christmas list and she hoped he got everything on it.
I asked didn’t he know what she would want just from knowing her and from conversations they’ve had throughout the year? She said no way!

I’d be really sad if my husband had to ask me what I wanted as it wouldn’t be surprise and it would show to me he doesn’t listen. He always manages to get me exactly what I want without me asking! And vice versa.

How does it work with you and your spouses? Aibu to feel that way?

OP posts:

huuskymam · 22/12/2021 01:19

We agreed years ago not to bother with presents for each other, we have what we need or want or else just get it during the year. Instead for Christmas and birthdays we'd have a kids free weekend away.

multivac · 22/12/2021 01:35

@OGenkiDesuKa

I don’t expect any of those things, hence why it’s a SURPRISE.

I would absolutely expect my husband of 30 off years to be able to buy me a present without a bloody list though.

We've been together for over 30 years. Never exchanged Christmas presents. Sometimes I get a birthday present (and when I do it's awesome), but mostly not. Mandated surprises don't do it for us.

nokidshere · 22/12/2021 01:56

We do a mix of both depending on what we want. This year I've told him what to buy because I want something very specific. Other years he's surprised me. It doesn't really matter as long as you are both happy with the situation

RiverSkater · 22/12/2021 01:56

After getting a single boxed decorated wine glass one year I now send a list with links.

Except this year he asked where my list was and I'd sent it weeks ago. One item is sold out. 🙄

But then we are broken as a couple so maybe that's why he has no idea what I like. 😱

Livefortherain · 22/12/2021 02:03

DH asked me and I didn't know. I had a browse and added a few things to an amazon list. There was one thing I wanted so I told him to get me that (was only £15 anyway). I know he's got me a couple of other bits but not sure if he went from the list or not. He is usually quite good with presents but I know he only spent £12 more (joint bank) so I am intrigued with what he found.

I have to ask because DH has specific interests in games and I know zero about them. He'll send me links to things and books. I try to buy other things but have really struggled this year. His birthday is just before Christmas too which doesn't help!

Alvinne · 22/12/2021 02:16

Not sure why people are being so snarky towards you OP, clearly different things work for different people and thats fine.

We've been together 20+ years and have never used lists, but then also have never bought some of the expensive gifts mentioned here, if I wanted a particular thing I'd buy it myself when I wanted it, or saved for it, to make sure I got the specific thing I wanted. So personally I see Christmas and birthday gifts as just smaller thoughtful ittle things to make the other person happy. I really enjoy looking for presents though and think as the previous poster who mentioned love languages was spot on.

ANEC · 22/12/2021 06:18

Hubby starts asking in November. Drives me nuts. I’ve mentioned 2 things this year (hair dryer and bird table, boring but liked) only to be told “that’s not a present just go and buy them”
TBH I’d actually like a surprise, a bit of spontaneity.

yeahitlookslike · 22/12/2021 06:55

Been married 15 years I think. Like others, we just buy what we want, when we want it. No surprises and no gift giving, but that's how we both like it - there's lots of love and happiness and joy in all the other daily ways that matter to us. I'm still so glad that we get to live our lives together.

That's the magic I think, meeting someone on your wavelength (whatever it is and however you express love), and being happy together.

whiteroseredrose · 22/12/2021 07:47

After 25 years together we have both run out of ideas.

Also I am very tricky to buy for. Not interested in jewellery, make up, handbags, any of the usual stuff.

I really don't like junk / ornaments (sorry MIL).

So I buy my own present for DH to wrap. I buy it in good time (DH used to shop Christmas Eve) so it isn't out of stock.

Hemingwayscatz · 22/12/2021 07:55

In previous years when I haven’t told him what I want and he’s just guessed, he has spectacularly missed the mark in a massive way. He bought me a new coat and trainers a couple of years ago and they’re just not something I’d ever dream of wearing so they were returned on Boxing Day. He tries but he just isn’t great at it. It’s odd because I do tend to just guess what he would like or I listen to him saying ‘I’d really like…’ and take note of it, he’s never hated any of his gifts and has used them all.

sofakingcool · 22/12/2021 08:55

My DH has always been pretty bad at present buying, it's probably a good job I do all buying apart from my own !

We've been together 16 years and this years birthday was the first one that he got absolutely spot on (a flower subscription). It took me quite a few years to accept that he wasn't the best - I'm a pretty easy person to buy for (a bunch of flowers go a long way for me!), but he'd always manage to get it not quite right - obviously I never told him that!

I always felt upset by it as I'm someone who spent a lot of effort getting presents just right, so to be bought something that felt like no effort had been put into was upsetting. Things have been better in recent years as DS1 has had his own money and he's really good at choosing things!

U8976532 · 22/12/2021 09:03

Have you heard of love languages? It sounds cheesy but it's quite an interesting concept (works for parenting too). My love language is gifts, I love giving and receiving them. But it's not my DH's, it's not how he expresses his love and giving him an awesome gift isn't going to make him feel as loved as I would. His love language is time, spending time together. He needs help with gifts (although has occasionally bought me lovely surprises) but he shows me he loves me in other ways. (Over the years we've found a balance so I get gifts but that I don't put big expectations on him!)

So yes I do love a gift, but having a partner who struggles in this area doesn't mean the relationship is any less valid. My Grandad was an amazing gift giver, he bought my grandmother the most beautiful jewellery you've ever seen and was really sweet with how he'd surprise her, but he was an extremely abusive man and the relationship was toxic. I'm not saying you can't have both, I'm sure there are great gift givers and partners, but good at gifts does not mean automatically a good relationship and vice versa.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 22/12/2021 10:00

Yes as didnt last year and got a toaster and garlic press!!!!!!!

champions55 · 22/12/2021 10:40

My husband is really gd at picking gifts for me. However I have reached a point where I don't need or want new jewellery, a watch or dressing gown, slippers, pjs, perfume, handbag, purse or even new clothes etc. He's actually better at picking gifts for me over my mum, sisters and friends.

I do need new trainers and the ones I liked were expensive so he offered to buy them for my Christmas. I had to try them on which was just as well as my normal size was too small so has to send back and reorder a bigger size. He'll get me a few wee surprises to open up too.

Some men though are just a bit useless at this sort of thing. So in that case I understand someone telling them what they would like or writing a list.

curlydiamond · 22/12/2021 11:43

We usually have a £20 limit for each other as we'd rather spend on the kids and extended family and pay our mortgage off earlier. Always end up with something fun to make us smile - we also started doing lists a couple of years ago as we found it really helpful (specific book/games/seeds etc) and wondered why we hadn't done lists before - not lacking in love, thought or romance, just practical. This year is the first year we've done lists amongst my siblings too, inspired and means we don't just get random games and a box of hotel chocolat from my big brother again.

EgSk · 22/12/2021 12:11

My husband and I don’t give wish lists . I hate knowing what I might get . I love surprises

RampantIvy · 22/12/2021 12:28

You are assuming that your DH is observant or perceptive enough to know what you want @egSk. Many people, not just men, get absolutely stumped for ideas when it comes to present buying. This is when people start buying Bayliss and Harding toiletries, candles and Cadburys selection boxes as gifts for people who won't appreciate them.

I prefer people to give me wish lists. I also buy surprise presents, but they tend to be stocking fillers.

DitheringBlidiot · 22/12/2021 12:30

My DP falls very firmly into the "practical" camp of gift giving. So whilst he is thoughtful in his gift giving his thoughts are not the same as mine. Hence he is getting a hoover for the car for Christmas and I am getting perfume. Both asked the other what we wanted and that's what we came uk with. Because I think he always picks boring stuff and because his family are very practical gift givers I usually get him a little surprise, as in £5/10 but it doesn't bother me that I don't have a surprise as I've asked for something I genuinely want.

MrsTimRiggins · 22/12/2021 12:45

Fantastic. I posted on this thread yday saying how DH (who is, before anyone starts saying he doesn’t care , a fantastic husband) is hopeless for buying presents and he is always last minute… he’s just slunk out the door saying he’s ‘got some errands to run’
I’m onto you, DH

Original poster

OGenkiDesuKa · 22/12/2021 12:56

Haha i love practical presents! I get a really good mix of treats and practical stuff usually. In fact most of my fave presents have been practical things that I use everyday but would never have even thought of buying.

OP posts:

WaltzForDebbie · 22/12/2021 14:21

@OGenkiDesuKa

I don’t expect any of those things, hence why it’s a SURPRISE.

I would absolutely expect my husband of 30 off years to be able to buy me a present without a bloody list though.

But that means you have have the same taste. It doesn't bother me if my husband doesn't like the same type of earrings as me etc!

Original poster

OGenkiDesuKa · 22/12/2021 14:31

I wouldn’t say we have the same tastes at all. We just know what eachother likes.

OP posts:

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