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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have to tell your husband what you want for Christmas?

222 replies

OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 16:21

Was taking to my friend who me ruined she had given her husband her Christmas list and she hoped he got everything on it.
I asked didn’t he know what she would want just from knowing her and from conversations they’ve had throughout the year? She said no way!

I’d be really sad if my husband had to ask me what I wanted as it wouldn’t be surprise and it would show to me he doesn’t listen. He always manages to get me exactly what I want without me asking! And vice versa.

How does it work with you and your spouses? Aibu to feel that way?

OP posts:
Cofifeefee · 21/12/2021 18:36

Some years we tell each other what we want, some years we don't. We do tend to buy whatever we want/need as we see it rather than waiting for Christmas/birthdays.

I really don't think it is something to judge a relationship on.

RampantIvy · 21/12/2021 18:40

I agree with a PP that you sound smug. DD does need guidance for ideas for presents. He isn't very observant at the best of times, but he has loads of other redeeming features, which is why we have been married for over 40 years.

He has surprised me a few times, but still asks me what I would like, just as I ask him what he would like. I find it easy to buy him lots of little extras though as he is a creature of habit.

In my experience the "big gesture" present buyers haven't always been the best partners/husbands.

reluctantbrit · 21/12/2021 18:47

We do lists for years and it works very well.

DH's. hobby needs. very. specific equipment, I know the shops to. buy it. from but what he needs/wants always depends on the status of. the project. I may add a small bit as an extra if I think it will fit but not the main ones. He normally gives me a long list of things I can then. choose from.

In. the past I may have said "I would like this" and he would buy what he. thinks fits the bill best, well, that wouldn't necessarily. be what I anticipated, especially electrical items. So I do my research and send him a variety of links and he then can choose what to get.

Disasters avoided.

We do small extras like books or similar but. nothing "main" present wise.

dustandfluf · 21/12/2021 18:47

Yes but he doesn't listen. I send the links. He still doesn't listen.

AnnaMagnani · 21/12/2021 18:48

Even when we were short of cash, I'd rather DH hadn't wasted money on stuff I was never going to use or wear.

For example my DM used to ask for slippers for Christmas. But really she only ever wore one style of slippers. So she would say thank-you, but if we hadn't bought those slippers because we thought she might like a change, or something looked stylish or trendy, it just meant she went slipperless and had to politely put up with cold feet.

Being skint makes a list even more vital, not less.

Daisiesandsweetpeas · 21/12/2021 18:54

Kinda. We're on a budget plus just generally buying less. I love reading so obviously, books. But for example, this Christmas there were very specific ones I really want so give him a list and he'll surprise with several from there.
This year, he really wanted a sports related top so that's what hes got.

I'd honestly prefer 3-4 second hands books that I really want to read as opposed to say, expensive jewellery or perfume or something so rather he didn't leave it to chance 😂

YukoandHiro · 21/12/2021 18:55

Yes. I hate it. But he's from a family who just didn't ever do gifts. He doesn't get why my family are into it. He sees it as a massive chore and gets no pleasure and only anxiety from it (I'm sure learned behaviour from parents). So yes, I tell him One year I tried not and I got a book and a gingerbread scented candle.

Exhausteddog · 21/12/2021 19:03

I give my DH a list. He usually doesn't get anything on it!🤣

Stroopwaffle5000 · 21/12/2021 19:07

I give my OH a list but he also picks up some surprises

abstractprojection · 21/12/2021 19:10

I don’t go as far as sending him links but I do give him good pointers. I am extremely hard to buy for in that I have most things I want and those I don’t are very particular.

This is for everyone not just him

DangoDays · 21/12/2021 19:11

My husband is a good shopper. Enjoys it. Buys nice stuff. A bit how he shops for himself really.

My best mate's husband is useless when it comes to shopping for himself/present shopping. He told me his budget and I shopped for her today. He said thanks. I loved doing it.

No real reflection of our marriages. More just personalities and preferences.

Relationships and gift giving is all a bit nuanced isn't it?

AuntieMarys · 21/12/2021 19:11

No. We have a budget of £200 each and we buy surprise gifts. We are both very good at thinking outside the box, plus we have lots of ( quirky) interests.
We never buy each other clothes, jewellery or toiletries.
Never disappointed each other yet!!!

merryhouse · 21/12/2021 19:12

We all write suggestions lists. People are free to use their own imagination or to pick something off the list (and make that known, in one way or another depending on medium and person). H and I do the same for each other as for everyone else.

coochyboochy · 21/12/2021 19:12

We don't bother. It seemed pointless spending exactly the same amount of money on each other for something we could just buy ourselves. Neither of us like surprises so would have to tell the other what to get. We just treat ourselves now.

MrsTimRiggins · 21/12/2021 19:13

I tend to give him ideas for the ‘main’ present and he’ll buy other bits and pieces himself… that being said, he is hideously disorganised and despite having the best of intentions, he normally leaves ordering the main present too late so it’s more New Years presents for me 🤦🏼‍♀️

PoshWatchShitShoes · 21/12/2021 19:13

Yup, just like a kid writing to Santa. I send him a list with links, colours and sizes and then I always get exactly what I like.

He doesn't buy everything, so it's kind of a surprise what bits I get 😂

CinnamonEstella · 21/12/2021 19:18

DH and I don't give each other lists - we're buying from the same joint account, so the "present" is partly the surprise.

We don't buy expensive things, just little treats and practical gifts we think the other would like.

Iamblossom · 21/12/2021 19:23

Oh wow, competitive relationshiping at its worst.

Dh asks me what I would like and I tell him. Vice versa. As it transpires my new ipad won't come in time for Xmas, so when I was about to buy myself some perfume at the weekend he said I will get that for you. I wrapped it, as its nice for our sons to see me open a gift from their dad on Xmas day. And he wouldn't have wrapped it.

Does my husband love me? Is he generous? Does he want to buy me things I need and want. Yes.

Do I measure the level of affection and feeling he has for me by spontaneous, thought through gifts he has sourced and wrapped independent of any input from me, and feel neglected and unloved if he fails on these fronts? No.

We have been married 21 years. We are flawed human beings. We are strong in some areas and weak in others. We are doing our best and we love each other and we are there for each other for the important things. Presents don't matter.

Cryalot2 · 21/12/2021 19:29

We tell each other various things that we would like.

That way it saves disappointments and any guessing .

Restart10 · 21/12/2021 19:39

I'm with you op. My dh buys me something each birthday, anniversary and Xmas (also other times) and the gifts are always something I would like. I never understand how people spend years with someone and they miss the mark, to me it shows a huge lack of care and knowing your partner.

coochyboochy · 21/12/2021 19:47

@OGenkiDesuKa do you do the same for your husband as he does for you? All you talk about is what he buys for you.

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 19:52

Yes I do Smile

OP posts:
CoffeeMuggins · 21/12/2021 20:25

I guess my husband doesn't love me as much as yours loves you 😪 also now realising my family never loved me either, as I was always asked to please make a list of things I would like. I'm getting a divorce and going NC with the entire bunch.

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 20:27

@CoffeeMuggins aww that’s sad Flowers

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 21/12/2021 20:27

“Competitive relationshiping,” I love it, @Iamblossom.😁

You and I sound similar, in long, happy marriages of 20+ years, and gifts personally chosen by our OH’s simply aren’t a priority. DH and I are happy to spend our joint money on treats, however. We have separate bank accounts/savings and a joint account…if I fancy a pedicure or a new top, he’s happy for me to use the joint money. Similarly, he’s just bought himself a leather jacket using the joint. So we treat each other year-round!