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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have to tell your husband what you want for Christmas?

222 replies

OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 16:21

Was taking to my friend who me ruined she had given her husband her Christmas list and she hoped he got everything on it.
I asked didn’t he know what she would want just from knowing her and from conversations they’ve had throughout the year? She said no way!

I’d be really sad if my husband had to ask me what I wanted as it wouldn’t be surprise and it would show to me he doesn’t listen. He always manages to get me exactly what I want without me asking! And vice versa.

How does it work with you and your spouses? Aibu to feel that way?

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 21/12/2021 18:04

Most years I not only have to tell him, he asks me to order it, “since I already have the rewards accounts”. Which is true, if a bit frustrating. In return, he asks me for ridiculously specific electronics that can only be sourced from tiny sellers that will ship sometime in the future when they get around to actually making the product, so I will end up handing him his Christmas 2021 present sometime in the spring of 2023, just like I gave him last years present a few weeks ago, and he doesn’t understand why that frustrates me.

largeprintagathachristie · 21/12/2021 18:06

My DP seemed quite deflated when I suggested we do lists for this Christmas. Not romantic/not a surprise etc. The idea got knocked back.

It just seems such a waste when money is tight-ish and there are SO many things I would love but can’t justify in the normal round of life. Like, I’d love a Diptyque candle. This is ENTIRELY outside of DP’s world. Even if I said “a lovely candle, please” I’d get something similar to that but not that. It just seems easier to ask for the Diptyque candle in the scent I’m lusting after and send him a link.

Will see how this Christmas goes.

We are four years into the relationship, for context, with both hits and complete misses on both sides in the present giving department.
I’m all for going brusquely practical on it!

Faevern · 21/12/2021 18:06

Oh I am hard to buy for, if I saw something I liked 6 months ago chances are I would have bought it for myself by the time Xmas arrived.

We have a mix of lists and some surprises. We complicate it even more as our adult DD is keeper of the links and lists and if anyone is stuck they ask her for a look.

30 years in and my DP loves and cherishes me too 🙄 that has nothing to do with his present buying skills though.

TokyoSushi · 21/12/2021 18:07

Not only do I tell him, but I send links and specific instructions. DH is a lovely man and tries very hard, but this way is definitely better! Grin

Alaimo · 21/12/2021 18:08

I feel less upset now about my DH's lack of gift buying skills. Problem with DH is that it's a bit hit and miss. We never buy each other expensive presents, but I do strongly prefer him to pick something rather than just giving him a list. And sometimes he does remember a book that I might have mentioned in passing a couple of months earlier, and then it's a really nice surprise to find it under the Christmas tree. This year, he's already complained several times that he has no inspiration, and that he bought me a gift but that "it's not very good", so I'm not getting my hopes up...

TheOldRazzleDazzle · 21/12/2021 18:09

@larkle

Too much stuff in the world already to take a chance on someone liking a surprise gift. Much safer to ask for something specific. I am always shocked at MN threads when posters complain about being given the wrong present. They seem to expect something really lovely as a surprise. What on earth is 'really lovely'? So many posters claim to buy thoughtful presents for their partners. I often wonder if their partners really find them thoughtful in real life. When I have asked about the 'thoughtful present', it usually turns out to be a photo album or a framed photo.
This is really horrible of me I’m sure, but comments about buying lovely thoughtful gifts always remind me of a secret Santa disappointment thread a few years ago where a poster had put a lot of thought into what their person would like and bought them a really lovely mug. Mugs come in two flavours for me: ugly or boring.
JKDinomum · 21/12/2021 18:09

My DH always says"don't buy me anything" and we tend to not really buy stuff for each other at all unless we happen to see something amazing the other would like. We both sometimes buy stuff in the run up to Christmas for the kids to give to us.

HelloDulling · 21/12/2021 18:10

I’m very particular. So, if I picked up three candles in a shop and liked the smell of all three, I would actually only want the one I liked best. If DH bought me a different one, instead of asking which I preferred, I would be disappointed. I’m very glad he asks for links, or gets DD to quiz me when we are shopping.

sjxoxo · 21/12/2021 18:10

I deffo tell my DH what I would like! I normally would have specific things or treats I’ve got my eye on that maybe wouldn’t buy for myself as ‘every day’ so I tell him those bits and he gets me those. I’d rather have something I really wanted or will use/wear than something that I won’t ever use or enjoy xo

SpeckledlyHen · 21/12/2021 18:10

@penguinwithasuitcase

You'll get a lot of cynics on here, OP.

I'm with you, though –somehow DP and I manage to choose presents for one another that we might not have thought of for ourselves and also suit our tastes / needs.

Radical stuff but hey – we're CRAZY Grin

We are CRAZY too! We might give each other a bit of a steer but generally we buy each other something we think the other might like. For instance my husband wanted a bean to cup coffee machine for about 2 years.. He was going to buy himself one and asked family and friends for money towards it over the last two years. He never got round to buying it so as a total surprise last birthday I bought one for him. Total and utter surprise and he was delighted. He does the same for me.. One year though he hand made me a very sentimental gift (which had me bawling my eyes out for about 20 mins) himself. Generally throughout the year there are enough hints or conversations for us to work out what to buy each other. I may sound like an arse but I find it really difficult how others can't manage this..
HelloDulling · 21/12/2021 18:12

It just seems such a waste when money is tight-ish and there are SO many things I would love but can’t justify in the normal round of life. Like, I’d love a Diptyque candle. This is ENTIRELY outside of DP’s world. Even if I said “a lovely candle, please” I’d get something similar to that but not that. It just seems easier to ask for the Diptyque candle in the scent I’m lusting after and send him a link.

Exactly. Feu De Bois please, not Baies. And no, not Jo Malone.

Trinacham · 21/12/2021 18:12

I don't tell him specifically what I want but I do give him ideas, yes. I think I am hard to buy for though! We don't buy big gifts for each other but instead get stocking fillers. This year I have Gestational Diabetes so I asked my hubby if he'd get me some diabetic friendly snacks for my hospital bag, for example! He always gets stuff I haven't asked for but I guess with getting lots of small gifts rather than a few big ones, it is nice to have some advice!

FatCatSkinnyRat · 21/12/2021 18:12

My husband always gets me a new Smythson diary for the upcoming year for Christmas at my request. This will be the 5th year in a row. He gets to pick the colour ha ha! I always know what it is but am always SO EXCITED to see the little box, check out the colour, and have a shiny new diary to start on during boxing day :-)

We also do stockings with us and the kids - 8 gifts in each, and these are all surprises, although nothing as extravagant as the lovely lovely diary.

Mumofone2021 · 21/12/2021 18:14

Me and DP don’t buy each other anything, we buy for DD and family, but we’ve got into a tradition of then getting ourselves something for the house in the new year and splitting the cost as a present to each other. It’s very boring I know but it works for us. Last year was a new TV, this year might be a range cooker or a new fridge

housemaus · 21/12/2021 18:15

We do a mix. Some years one or both of us knows already what we want to get the other, some we'll ask if there's something specific the other wants. Or, we'll sak for a ballpark - so I might ask DH and he'll say, I want some games, or I'll say I want some fancy headphones. And then the fun and thought is in choosing something they'd like within that guideline.

For me, a surprise gift that's chosen perfectly is lovely, but so is receiving something I wouldn't splash out and treat myself to but really want. So in the example above - last year, DH asked and I said I wanted a new travel bag cos I travel a lot for work, UK and abroad. He got me a fancy case that has built in chargers and stuff, plus a book subscription so I'd always have a new book to take away with me. It wasn't less romantic - he'd bought something I wanted, but a nicer version I wouldn't have spent the money on myself, and added something thoughtful on!

housemaus · 21/12/2021 18:17

@housemaus

We do a mix. Some years one or both of us knows already what we want to get the other, some we'll ask if there's something specific the other wants. Or, we'll sak for a ballpark - so I might ask DH and he'll say, I want some games, or I'll say I want some fancy headphones. And then the fun and thought is in choosing something they'd like within that guideline.

For me, a surprise gift that's chosen perfectly is lovely, but so is receiving something I wouldn't splash out and treat myself to but really want. So in the example above - last year, DH asked and I said I wanted a new travel bag cos I travel a lot for work, UK and abroad. He got me a fancy case that has built in chargers and stuff, plus a book subscription so I'd always have a new book to take away with me. It wasn't less romantic - he'd bought something I wanted, but a nicer version I wouldn't have spent the money on myself, and added something thoughtful on!

I should add, this year we're not doing presents because circumstances have changed a LOT. Sometimes you can't do either and that's alright too!
HelloDulling · 21/12/2021 18:19

Generally throughout the year there are enough hints or conversations for us to work out what to buy each other. I may sound like an arse but I find it really difficult how others can't manage this.

My DH and I don’t shop together, so he would never see my coyly picking up an item then putting it down again until he got the hint. If I see something I would like, I either buy it for myself, or say to DH ‘I saw a lovely yellow wallet in John Lewis. I would like it for Christmas. It’s £70 from the Kin range on the 1st floor, or you can buy online.”

Lulu1919 · 21/12/2021 18:19

No - but I am east to buy for ..love books chocolate posh smellies

Fomofo · 21/12/2021 18:19

No, he can use his brain

ApricotStew · 21/12/2021 18:26

My DH would buy me what I want when I mention it rather than waiting six months

Was just going to say that!

AnnaMagnani · 21/12/2021 18:30

@AHobbyaweek

I made a general wish list as inspiration this year that was generic like "nice PJs" "cotton socks" "yarn" (I love knitting!) It was used by all family including my husband but I know he has also gone off piste too.
You see this wouldn't work for me at all and now you have made me feel like an arsehole Wink

nice PJs - but in THIS pattern NOT that one, did you not miraculously know that?
cotton socks - I'd probably just buy socks when I wanted them
yarn - I love knitting too, but not with random yarn other people have chosen for me, I'd like to spend my valuable knitting time doing a pattern in exactly the right yarn thank-you, not using up someone else's choice

And now I sound ungrateful but it is what it is. And I don't like chocolates and smellies give me a migraine.

You sound like a lovely person, I'm sure my DH wish he'd met you!

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 18:30

Not everyone is in the financial position to be able to do that.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 21/12/2021 18:32

Our whole family do wish lists. Saves so much hassle.

Kleopatrared · 21/12/2021 18:33

I don't get my husband a present and he doesn't get me one. Works for us.

FrenchyQ · 21/12/2021 18:34

I give him a list of s couple of bits. He'll always get me something off list too.