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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have to tell your husband what you want for Christmas?

222 replies

OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 16:21

Was taking to my friend who me ruined she had given her husband her Christmas list and she hoped he got everything on it.
I asked didn’t he know what she would want just from knowing her and from conversations they’ve had throughout the year? She said no way!

I’d be really sad if my husband had to ask me what I wanted as it wouldn’t be surprise and it would show to me he doesn’t listen. He always manages to get me exactly what I want without me asking! And vice versa.

How does it work with you and your spouses? Aibu to feel that way?

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 21/12/2021 20:30

@CoffeeMuggins

I guess my husband doesn't love me as much as yours loves you 😪 also now realising my family never loved me either, as I was always asked to please make a list of things I would like. I'm getting a divorce and going NC with the entire bunch.
Grin
thegreenlight · 21/12/2021 20:33

I have to tell him what I want - or I get what I have asked for (on a whim when I don’t really mean it!) he paid £500 for sailing lessons because I mentioned I’d love to sail. I meant in a F. Scott Fitzgerald kind of way, not actual wet suit wearing dinghy sailing! I wish he didn’t actually listen! I’d rather have a book and a nice candle!

EezyOozy · 21/12/2021 20:36

I tell my husband EXACTLY what to get and send links !! I always ask for 2-3 fairly inexpensive things I really want / need ... if I didn't send exact instructions I would end up with expensive "guessed" things I don't want or need.

Holothane · 21/12/2021 20:41

I’ve told h this year I’m having kindle books and I’ve bits I’ve brought myself in the cupboard I’m happy. I don’t want stuff I won’t use.

Iamblossom · 21/12/2021 20:58

@Cameleongirl

“Competitive relationshiping,” I love it, *@Iamblossom*.😁

You and I sound similar, in long, happy marriages of 20+ years, and gifts personally chosen by our OH’s simply aren’t a priority. DH and I are happy to spend our joint money on treats, however. We have separate bank accounts/savings and a joint account…if I fancy a pedicure or a new top, he’s happy for me to use the joint money. Similarly, he’s just bought himself a leather jacket using the joint. So we treat each other year-round!

Yep, this exactly.

Except as I earn almost double what my husband does, I buy my own stuff out of my own money.

HelloDulling · 21/12/2021 20:59

@thegreenlight

I have to tell him what I want - or I get what I have asked for (on a whim when I don’t really mean it!) he paid £500 for sailing lessons because I mentioned I’d love to sail. I meant in a F. Scott Fitzgerald kind of way, not actual wet suit wearing dinghy sailing! I wish he didn’t actually listen! I’d rather have a book and a nice candle!
Oh GOOD GOD! Did you actually do it??
DedafalalalalalusBloom · 21/12/2021 21:01

I don't buy much but I can afford to buy the things I want myself, and DH is the same. I absolutely dread presents of "things" I have to find house space for as I'm relatively minimalist. I have to love perfume, for example so generally buy that myself. Clothes are very carefully considered and generally bought when I see them - if there was something I wanted enough to own I would be annoyed if I had put it in a list and it either wasn't bought/was out of stock.
He's much the same - both our hobbies are very specific and of little interest to the other so unless we give absolute specifics we will end up with duds.

Legoisaws8om · 21/12/2021 21:11

We might give each other ideas/general categories eg. I said I wanted a new coat in this size that is a nice going out coat. He then will choose one himself!

StuntEgg · 21/12/2021 21:43

I used to give XH a list with about 30 things on it, in different price ranges e.g. from a packet of my favourite crisps to a diamond bracelet. There was still an element of surprise as I didn't know which ones I'd get, and usually by Christmas I'd forgotten what I asked for anyway.

I started doing this because he was buying me things he wanted me to have or wear, rather than what I wanted. It saved a lot of arguing if my thanks weren't broken enough over an ugly skirt or a CD of music I hated but he wanted us to "enjoy" together.

Lists were an easy way to break that control.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/12/2021 21:44

Unless you are married to a gift giver then its best to have a list.

Itstheprinciple · 21/12/2021 22:11

He would buy 'sexy' underwear in the wrong size if left to his own devices.

I write a list of items of various cost and type and then I leave it to him and my parents to work out who is getting what from the list. I make it clear I don't expect everything on the list, they are ideas. If there is something specific I want I will give details. So there is the element of surprise as I won't know what I've actually got or from whom.

woodhill · 21/12/2021 22:13

I would rather have vouchers or buy my own present which he pays for.

Have done this for years'

Ohyesiam · 21/12/2021 22:29

My husband is no shopper and looks kind of hunted if he has to get anything other than groceries.
I am exacting and like shopping . Hence I buy my own presents and he is very grateful.

MrsTimRiggins · 21/12/2021 23:00

@CoffeeMuggins

I guess my husband doesn't love me as much as yours loves you 😪 also now realising my family never loved me either, as I was always asked to please make a list of things I would like. I'm getting a divorce and going NC with the entire bunch.
😂
Briarshollow · 21/12/2021 23:06

It’ll probably come as a surprise to you, but you sound like the ‘hard work’ one out of you and your friend. This is the communication thing people on here are always talking about.

Ileflottante · 21/12/2021 23:09

[quote OGenkiDesuKa]@mclaw so for my birthday I got some perfume from him. Turns out it was the perfume that I had a whiff of when we went sales shopping in January I went “oh that’s really nice!” And put it back. I didn’t even really take notice of what it was so wasn’t something I would have been able to go back and buy. I didn’t even realise he was stood near me at the time but he saw it, clocked which one it was and remembered. My birthday is November. Just little things like that. He just picks up on what I linger at I guess when out and a out and he makes nite of things when we talk. I often see him scrolling through a specific brand of skates so know they’re the ones he like so have bought him those for Christmas. Just things like that.[/quote]
I think your husband might be gay.

(It’s a joke, based on a trope about gay men, shopping, female best friends, good taste, yady yady yada, before anyone attempts to lynch me…)

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2021 23:11

What about sometimes dh gets me something which is a surprise and sometimes I drop hints (tell him) what I’d like? Does that mean he half loves me?

SockFluffInTheBath · 21/12/2021 23:18

If there’s something I’d like I tell him (this year it’s seeds, specific varieties from specialist nurseries) otherwise he’s become pretty good at storing comments throughout the year and pulling it out of the bag. I absolutely hate surprises so it kills me but he’s usually got something lovely and thoughtful. He used to be utterly shite at gifts but one year I finally went thermonuclear on him because we were skint and he’d wasted a lot of money on complete crap that no one who knew me would ever have looked twice at for me.

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 23:18

Not writing a list is hard work? Grin

There’s a lot of very defensive people on here! I said this makes ME feel loved. I didn’t say that if your spouses don’t do this then it means they don’t love you.

OP posts:
SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 21/12/2021 23:25

@OGenkiDesuKa

And we got married last week to PP so yes I’m fully aware I’m still in newly wedded bliss plus newborn bubble and life is #blessed. We’ve been together a while though!
Ah Xmas Grin happy Christmas to the pair of you!
Briarshollow · 21/12/2021 23:26

@OGenkiDesuKa

Not writing a list is hard work? Grin

There’s a lot of very defensive people on here! I said this makes ME feel loved. I didn’t say that if your spouses don’t do this then it means they don’t love you.

Expecting your partner to remember items you’ve ‘lingered’ next to, or picked up and put back down again for which you’ve harboured a secret longing…..that’s hard work.
Briarshollow · 21/12/2021 23:30

I’m imagining you like quite obvious things like popular perfume, handbags, shoes, etc, otherwise I imagine any human partner would be on eggshells all year, with an ever expanding Notes file in their phone entitled ‘Things OGenki stood next to in shops 2021’.

HobgoblinGold · 21/12/2021 23:30

I don't think there's any wrong way as it will be unique to each couple depending on who they are as people and the couple dynamics.

Many years ago I switched to expecting DH to know what to get me and tend to buy my own stuff and say thanks to him after 😁. He has and does put a lot of thought into my gifts when he does buy them, but I know I can be quite specific, plus I love a bargain. So for example this year he purchased me a soda stream as I love sparkling water and pop, BUT he bought it in the black Friday sales for half price. Absolute win-win all round really. He did try and keep it a surprise but they plastered what it was over the box, plus we will be going away for Christmas so we decided to open it early so we don't have to cart it with us. I am also known to just buy myself something from him and just say thank you for my anniversary/christmas present etc. It a a bit of joke between us and works for us.

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 21/12/2021 23:30

I don’t expect any of those things, hence why it’s a SURPRISE.

I would absolutely expect my husband of 30 off years to be able to buy me a present without a bloody list though.

OP posts:
Briarshollow · 21/12/2021 23:33

@OGenkiDesuKa

Not writing a list is hard work? Grin

There’s a lot of very defensive people on here! I said this makes ME feel loved. I didn’t say that if your spouses don’t do this then it means they don’t love you.

Incidentally, not defensive. Just not that bothered by pretty gifts and things. They’re nice of course, but we’ve been through too much for that sort of thing to have any real value. Near-death, illness, loss, total devastation of our lives as we know it (to sound a bit dramatic but it’s what happened), so cuddles, unexpected cups of tea, random acts of kindness, that sort of thing makes me feel loved.