To be really disappointed with this present

[ToMeetOrNotToMeet]

I might sound like an ungrateful twat...

The gift is from my boyfriend (on/off - "on a break" at the moment, but he wants to get back together... and I wish we could as well... which is why I'm upset about this. We're just not the same.

We're at his mother's to celebrate my and her birthday. She puts on a big show, champagne, cake etc. There are six of us. We do gifts at the end. We're in a rented holiday cottage.
We swapped gifts. All very nice: ornaments, plants, choccies, jewelry, wine...

Then boyfriend pulls out a bag of apples and another bag of tomatoes and a piece of bamboo. He tells us to close our eyes and imagine being somewhere where these things are grown and being in a hotel and looking out of the window and it's raining.

Then there are three wrapped boxes. One for me. One for his mother. One for my daughter (aged 4) or his brother (aged 30). He still hasn't clarified. He says it doesn't matter who opens what, but if we get the wrong box, we won't like it.

It's three external hard drives.

We don't know whose is whose. We have no way of checking here.

He collects DVDs and Bluerays. He's obviously put a load of films on these hard drives.

I've told him in the past that I don't care about DVDs (his entire house is full of them - I mean so FULL that I can't visit. Hoarder full.). I have about 30 minutes a night to watch TV and I'm happy with Prime and Netflix).

So now, I've got to go home with a hard drive full of films that might be for his mother. She'll go home with one that could be meant for me or my kid.

I know he's probably spent time doing it (a lot of time) but I've already told him many many times that I have enough with what I have. I'm just not interested in all these fucking films.

And what the fuck are the fruit and vegetables all about?

Everything always has to be weird and cryptic and about him. If he'd asked me I'd have liked an Etsy voucher or a sodding candle.

Now he's really upset that nobody cares about his hard drives. But he hasn't even said what's on any of them.

It's mad. He's not talking to me for being so ungrateful and I just feel upset that he's given me something so weird.

AIBU?

@ToMeetOrNotToMeet

For his birthday, I got him an 80 quid box set he wanted. Some Marvel thing. And I took him on a picnic by the sea with nice food. The birthday before that, I got him a bike he wanted. I always make an effort. I got him an engraved man-bracelet one year. He wanted it.

He won't ever get rid of the DVDs. He says he's a serious collector. He's got thousands and thousands. They fill up two rooms of his house.

I just want to go home now. I'm sad and fed up. I want to go home.

Then go, what’s stopping you?

@Floundery

My thought was autistic too

Please don’t do this. Autistic =/= arsehole. If you wouldn’t use Jewish/black/Muslim/female in a particular sentence, don’t use autistic either.

Pretty please.

The two can co-exist. You can be an asshole AND autistic. Some traits described (the whole interest thing and thinking she'd like it) tick a lot of autism boxes. The reaction to her disappointment? Asshole.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

I think he is taking you on holiday to Asda. Enjoy!

This finished me.

OP I know your post was semi-lighthearted but I do feel for you. Are you going to make your excuses and go home or what's the plan?

It's a little strange but he has clearly put a lot of thought into the gifts. However, I couldn't cope with the hoarding.

OP, in my experience, people who hoard can present as fairly normal in most spheres if life. But it’s a very deep-rooted psychological issue.

Do you feel like you have to ‘save’ this man?

Seriously, this is all just too much now. You are spending so much emotional energy on this that could be refocused in a positive way - for you and your daughter.

You say you are on a ‘break’ with him anyway. Well, great. Extend that indefinitely.

All this nonsense is blocking your life. You are desperate to make sense of him, but you can’t. He will drag you down with him eventually. Think about all the other men you could be meeting now , but you can’t because you’re stuck in a house with a DVD eccentric hoarder and his mother who is not prepared to challenge him either..

You are not a shrink. You are a normal woman and you deserve a man who treats you in a normal way and is capable of empathy. Why should you settle for anything less?

It’s your birthday. Just say you feel ill and go home and then get on with the rest of your life. You have your DD, the cats and there will be the perfect man for you out there. But you won’t meet him while you’re dealing with this nonsense.

Your humour in responses here show you're pretty cool, too kind, not suited to him. Lean into that break. Lean into being a cat lady. Say a breezy goodbye and ship any leftover crap at your house back to his hoarder lair. You run a cat rescue not a prat rescue! You and your daughter and your cats are Enough! Be happy!

Want cat too, but DDog said no
Want rocket and melon, but DDog said yuck.
DDog would like steak and cake please

Happy Birthday Op! Hope you have a lovely time with DD once you are home

Please, PLEASE give him some rocket, a watermelon and a cat for Christmas. Then report back. It’ll be better than the queen’s speech!

I hope you’ve gone home. He is so not for you.

I hope you got home ok.

Then boyfriend pulls out a bag of apples and another bag of tomatoes and a piece of bamboo. He tells us to close our eyes and imagine being somewhere where these things are grown and being in a hotel and looking out of the window and it's raining

That's a sounds like the cryptic clues Ted used to give out in 3, 2, 1, years ago....

And nobody ever went home with the big prize in that show either.

@weemouse

Then boyfriend pulls out a bag of apples and another bag of tomatoes and a piece of bamboo. He tells us to close our eyes and imagine being somewhere where these things are grown and being in a hotel and looking out of the window and it's raining

That's a sounds like the cryptic clues Ted used to give out in 3, 2, 1, years ago....

And nobody ever went home with the big prize in that show either.

OP I am so sorry. It's very sad, but sometimes we can love someone very much, be very much in love with them - but be totally incompatible with them. It's no one's fault. But pure love can rarely overcome the day-to-day need for some level of compatibility. In these situations, it seems to me best to walk away in sadness than to allow for the potential of daily misery and resentments to rob you both of the chance of happiness or just calm time on your own.

Have you gone home @ToMeetOrNotToMeet? hope so x

You do realise he's on the spectrum? You accept the quirky and stay with him or ditch and go out with someone else.

So what about him do you actually like?!

F

Op, I love your comment about the cats.
The comments give us a good game of mumsnet bingo.

1. A few pp mentioned red flags, although I do agree.
2. Pp suggest Odd behaviour suggests autism.
3. A bit of slut shaming for making op explain how long she had know bf and justify why she introduced bf to her dd.
4. A comment accusing op of being grabby and ungrateful.
5. A pp who just simply didn't understand the dynamics, and needed op to explain in fine detail exactly why gifts were being shared.

Drink some more wine op, and enjoy the company of your dd and mil. Bf doesn't want a partner, he wants a mirror.

I'm home now. DD and I have had chips and are snuggling in bed now.
On the way home (I took him back to his place), he gave me a big long speech (loooong) about how he's frozen in the past, how he has nothing in his life, his need to see me more, what his doctors have told him. It went on and on. He was really thinking about it. He said he couldn't cope with being rejected.
I told him I hated the present and that I thought it was all about him. He seemed surprised that I wouldn't like it. It has hundreds of films on it.
He then said he had to go up to his flat as he had something for DD.
He came back with two gifts wrapped up. Hers was a nice book about wildlife.
Mine was a piece of card that said, "I love you though" on it. He'd obviously just done it quickly.
Anyway, we're home now.
His doctors have written him off sick for another few months.
I just want a quiet Christmas with no surprise panda food. I still don't know what that was about. He says it was just stuff he had in his bag. Who carries bamboo around with them though?
Anyway, I'm very upset about it all.
I don't know what I was hoping for.

Is DD his?

He really sounds ludicrously self-obsessed and navel-gazy OP. I have no idea how you put up with this nonsense!

Seriously he sounds unhinged op... I would hastily back away. Wish him well with his mh and concentrate on saving your own!
*no disrespect to the mentally unwell but as you aren't a therapist in this case you are not truly safe I fear...

The problem with romantic movies is that men are aware of them too. This is some Love Actually emotionally manipulative shit. You’re going to have to rip the plaster off I’m afraid. He clearly can’t take a hint.