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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really disappointed with this present

366 replies

ToMeetOrNotToMeet · 18/12/2021 14:47

I might sound like an ungrateful twat...

The gift is from my boyfriend (on/off - "on a break" at the moment, but he wants to get back together... and I wish we could as well... which is why I'm upset about this. We're just not the same.

We're at his mother's to celebrate my and her birthday. She puts on a big show, champagne, cake etc. There are six of us. We do gifts at the end. We're in a rented holiday cottage.
We swapped gifts. All very nice: ornaments, plants, choccies, jewelry, wine...

Then boyfriend pulls out a bag of apples and another bag of tomatoes and a piece of bamboo. He tells us to close our eyes and imagine being somewhere where these things are grown and being in a hotel and looking out of the window and it's raining.

Then there are three wrapped boxes. One for me. One for his mother. One for my daughter (aged 4) or his brother (aged 30). He still hasn't clarified. He says it doesn't matter who opens what, but if we get the wrong box, we won't like it.

It's three external hard drives.

We don't know whose is whose. We have no way of checking here.

He collects DVDs and Bluerays. He's obviously put a load of films on these hard drives.

I've told him in the past that I don't care about DVDs (his entire house is full of them - I mean so FULL that I can't visit. Hoarder full.). I have about 30 minutes a night to watch TV and I'm happy with Prime and Netflix).

So now, I've got to go home with a hard drive full of films that might be for his mother. She'll go home with one that could be meant for me or my kid.

I know he's probably spent time doing it (a lot of time) but I've already told him many many times that I have enough with what I have. I'm just not interested in all these fucking films.

And what the fuck are the fruit and vegetables all about?

Everything always has to be weird and cryptic and about him. If he'd asked me I'd have liked an Etsy voucher or a sodding candle.

Now he's really upset that nobody cares about his hard drives. But he hasn't even said what's on any of them.

It's mad. He's not talking to me for being so ungrateful and I just feel upset that he's given me something so weird.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 19/12/2021 02:35

Might be time to take a good long break from him and see if there's anything you actually miss.

Milliepossum · 19/12/2021 02:58

Giving presents no one wants or likes, weird vegetable demonstration, sulking because you’re not fawning over him for being tight - you need to do yourself a favour and walk away. I got chills reading your post, my late husband used to be tight (but spent huge amounts of money on things he wanted which were hoarded), rarely gave me a present but when he did, by spending my money, made sure I knew it was something I never wanted in a passive aggressive way (eg, if something had options that would make it easier to use he would announce he thought it was a waste of money so got base model (cheapest) but he always got himself the top model with all options (‘I didn’t want to compromise’). Always had to buy my own birthday cake and dinner yet he expected me to get his. Laziness to work, mother downplaying how crap her son is, this is all a bunch of signs OP, please don’t ignore them because you feel sorry for him, because I can guarantee he doesn’t spare a thought for you. The whole movie thing isn’t because he wanted to, he probably made backups for himself and grabbed them, not caring he didn’t have enough copies for everyone. He’s likely congratulating himself for tricking you all. These people only get worse.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 19/12/2021 03:28

The thing is OP, the more time you spend with him, the less chance you have of meeting someone you could have a normal, fulfilling relationship with.

Time to move on, l think.

Allmadeoflego · 19/12/2021 06:34

Urgh it’s sounds like he was gleeful about prople getting the wrong one and it being “their nightmare”.
Massively unsexy Op.

readingismycardio · 19/12/2021 06:54

Make a fruit salad and dump his ass. Sorry, OP, this is really unthoughtful

readingismycardio · 19/12/2021 06:55

Should I give everyone a cat for their birthday... with a bag of rocket and a fucking melon and then go in a strop when they don't look happy about it?

My birthday is this month, and we're planning to adopt a cat. Can I have one, please? Skip the melon, though, but I'll happily take a banana Grin

Shebangshebong · 19/12/2021 07:01

Not many things surprise me anymore on here but I truly cannot believe that as an adult woman you are with a man like this out of choice.

oftenbaffled · 19/12/2021 07:05

@ToMeetOrNotToMeet

He won't tell me what the fruit, veg and bamboo is about. His brother looked at the hard drive. It's a load of films. He's so pissed off that I don't like it that he's gone to bed. I'm playing ficking scrabble with his mum. I'm off in the morning.
It is his response to the situation that is actually the most concerning feature of the entire scenario

Get your daughter away from him OP.
Pronto

RoseGoldEagle · 19/12/2021 07:17

Oh OP you sound so tired. This is the kind of thing that if a random uncle did (the weird gift), you could feign politeness and then roll your eyes a bit later at his selfishness/ or ideally giggle to your partner about- you don’t want this in your own partner OP. He sounds like a friend- a slightly quirky friend who you have a lot of time for and like a lot despite some strange way - and that’s wonderful, but he doesn’t sound like he should be your partner.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 19/12/2021 07:30

Agree he should be a friend and not a partner.

And stop saying you don't know! You do know, you just don't want to face that you're flogging a dead horse.

RantyAunty · 19/12/2021 07:51

@SpiderinaWingMirror

I think he is taking you on holiday to Asda. Enjoy!
best gift eva!

😂😂😂

crochetmonkey74 · 19/12/2021 07:54

Get out now OP , no nice normal guy can come in, while this unsuitable friend is in his place

itchypoopark · 19/12/2021 08:47

OP, I know your post is slightly light hearted, but there are always a number of perspectives from which a situation can be considered.

He has obviously put a great deal of thought into these gifts, and he has planned how and when he will give them. He has shared with you something that he loves in the sure (but perhaps mistaken) knowledge that you will love them too. He has a passionate interest in films (but perhaps a few problems with being able to decide which to keep and which to donate to the charity shop).

He may be 'sulking' because he just does not understand why you have not been really excited over finding out what is on the drive, or that you have not got back to him to talk about the films on the drive.

This might be the perfect opportunity to talk. You may have to tell him that it is possible to love a person without being intense about their interests. You may have to give him a list of gifts that he can choose from and tell him to buy one of those.

The hoarding thing may be something that he has to work on. Perhaps he could adopt a system through which he would give away any DVD he has not watched for 12 months or something.

Yet, whilst I do not agree that you should run a mile from him and make space in your life for a 'normal' guy, I do think, from your posts, there are indications that this man does really care for you, and that you really care for him. Yet, I think the real issue is not the strange and cryptic present giving, but the hoarding. Have you every talked to him about this?

stalkersaga · 19/12/2021 08:57

Hope this morning you a) are not too hung over, b) can get the fuck out of there, @ToMeetOrNotToMeet.

stalkersaga · 19/12/2021 08:59

@itchypoopark

OP, I know your post is slightly light hearted, but there are always a number of perspectives from which a situation can be considered.

He has obviously put a great deal of thought into these gifts, and he has planned how and when he will give them. He has shared with you something that he loves in the sure (but perhaps mistaken) knowledge that you will love them too. He has a passionate interest in films (but perhaps a few problems with being able to decide which to keep and which to donate to the charity shop).

He may be 'sulking' because he just does not understand why you have not been really excited over finding out what is on the drive, or that you have not got back to him to talk about the films on the drive.

This might be the perfect opportunity to talk. You may have to tell him that it is possible to love a person without being intense about their interests. You may have to give him a list of gifts that he can choose from and tell him to buy one of those.

The hoarding thing may be something that he has to work on. Perhaps he could adopt a system through which he would give away any DVD he has not watched for 12 months or something.

Yet, whilst I do not agree that you should run a mile from him and make space in your life for a 'normal' guy, I do think, from your posts, there are indications that this man does really care for you, and that you really care for him. Yet, I think the real issue is not the strange and cryptic present giving, but the hoarding. Have you every talked to him about this?

Hmm Right, because OP should definitely devote hours and hours of her life to rehabbing a man she isn't in a relationship with and who is so open to said rehabbing that he went to bed in a sulk because everyone failed to fawn over his presents.
rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2021 08:59

How very bizarre!!! I mean, the films are one thing but what's with the tomatoes and bamboo etc?!!!

PerseverancePays · 19/12/2021 09:03

Keep him as a family friend, look for a life partner. You do not want your daughter to grow up thinking this is a good relationship model.

52andblue · 19/12/2021 09:13

'Bamfuckingboo' made me laugh.
Yup, red flags of weirdness all over.
But I appreciate the laughter as I get to spend some time with exH today re kids (& I'll need it!) 'Bamfuckingboo'. Oh, yes indeedy !

naturallydelicious · 19/12/2021 09:13

You could be right about him having autism . My son has autism & is obsessed with dvds , owns 1000's of them . This is the sort of gift he would give to people

crazyjinglist · 19/12/2021 09:28

This whole thread has a real mean girl vibe about it I’m afraid. Hope you all get the presents you want or heaven help those around you

That's what you get from this thread?Confused How is this a mean girl / pile-on thread? This man is not here on the thread, so nobody is being mean to anyone. They are supporting the OP.

This man sounds weird and self-obsessed. He gives presents that are all about him, all about things he likes. And this one was an exercise in showing off his quirkiness. He doesn't give gifts because he thinks the recipient will like them (see OP's post about the astrology necklace). This isn't about the OP being demanding about presents. It's about the fact that the partner is a self-centred knob-head.

Vapeyvapevape · 19/12/2021 09:33

@crazyjinglist
Next time I’m given a present of bamfuckingboo and tomatoes I must remember to be grateful Grin

80sMum · 19/12/2021 09:35

@azimuth299

People aren't saying autism because he's annoying though. They are saying autism because he has an obsessive interest (a house hoarder-full of films) and has difficulty putting himself in someone else's shoes (buying something that he would like rather than something that the recipient would like). Common autism symptoms.

And they aren't saying "Oh he's probably autistic because he's an arsehole and autistic people are arseholes." they are saying "His behaviour sounds very unusual, but it could be explained by autism rather than him being a selfish arsehole."

I agree with this. My first thought was that this person is very likely not neurotypical. His behaviours point towards ASD.
stalkersaga · 19/12/2021 09:47

What does it matter if he does or does not have ASD, though? It's not OP's job to diagnose him. It's not OP's job to fix him or nurture him or teach him. Their relationship hasn't worked and is over, and ASD or no ASD he is acting like a dickhead and has zero openness to being told so.

OP's only responsibility is to herself and her DD.

caringcarer · 19/12/2021 09:48

Gosh he is so self obsessed he would do that to a 4 year old. You must realise that along with the hoarding, he is not a keeper.

Allsorts1 · 19/12/2021 09:53

@PatriotCanes 😂😂

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