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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 17/12/2021 10:34

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

And that is all a person needs to say. No one should feel coerced into doing a sexual act they do not like.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2021 10:37

YANBU to be disappointed. Especially if he used to do it and has since stopped.

Original poster
Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:37

@CorrBlimeyGG no of course not.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 17/12/2021 10:37

YANBU to feel disappointed.

You now need to decide whether this is something you can live without. Everyone is entitled to end a relationship at any point for any reason they want.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/12/2021 10:38

Wow, fuck that.

neverbeenskiing · 17/12/2021 10:39

Nobody should have to do anything sexual that they're not comfortable with, but it's a bit strange that he was happy to do it for the first two years of your relationship and then suddenly decided he didn't like it once you had your DC.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2021 10:40

Was he down the business end when your baby was born? Was that when it changed?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 17/12/2021 10:40

Mm did he see the birth?

Deadringer · 17/12/2021 10:42

If he is not into it there isn't much you can do about it, but if it's your favourite part of sex will you bother with intimacy at all?

Justsotirednow · 17/12/2021 10:44

That is his line and it should be respected.
We really need to move on from the way of thinking that people have to have sex/acts they don’t want to.

You have to decide if that is a dealbreaker and then move accordingly.
Pretty much all you can do.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 17/12/2021 10:45

Do you still climax? As that would be the dealbreaker for me.

georgarina · 17/12/2021 10:47

Does he want to receive it but not give?

Personally I really don't like it either way and am not comfortable with it. In my last relationship my ex viewed all sex acts as the same and didn't see why I would be comfortable with one but not another. We actually split over it.

RoastedParnsip · 17/12/2021 10:48

He doesn't like it. Respect that.

If you said you didn't like giving him oral, and he went on and on and on about it how would you feel? Ffs.

neverbeenskiing · 17/12/2021 10:49

That is his line and it should be respected.
We really need to move on from the way of thinking that people have to have sex/acts they don’t want to.

OP has been clear that she doesn't intend to pressure him about this. I agree no one should "have to" give anyone oral sex. But if oral sex has been a regular feature of your sex life with your partner for years and they suddenly announce they're never doing it again and aren't clear why I don't think it's unreasonable to feel disappointed or frustrated.

Robostripes · 17/12/2021 10:49

I’m the other way round - DH wants to do it and I used to enjoy it but having my DS absolutely destroyed my lady parts sadly and now I feel so utterly self conscious I don’t let him.
Having a child can really change things for both sides I think, it’s tough.

Alpenguin · 17/12/2021 10:54

Yanbu - being disappointed by not having something you enjoy is absolutely ok. Facing never having oral again is quite miserable. My partner doesn’t do it either and I bloody love it.

I don’t know why everyone is going on about OP having to respect his decision or not coerce him into performing acts he’s not comfortable with when she hasn’t suggested in any way at all that’s what she’s trying to do. She was within her right to ask why, he gave an answer. It’s not coercive to ask why things changed.

Deadringer · 17/12/2021 10:55

@RoastedParnsip

He doesn't like it. Respect that.

If you said you didn't like giving him oral, and he went on and on and on about it how would you feel? Ffs.

There is nothing in the op to suggest she goes on and on about it, quite the opposite in fact.
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/12/2021 10:57

I would be devastated tbh. I'm not keen on bj's but I do them as it's not fair to be receiving and not giving.

girlbaby85 · 17/12/2021 10:58

My DP is exactly the same instead he never did it when we first got together either. I always joke around saying I won't give him head if he won't give it to me (I still do) and we just laugh at that together. It just seems that he isn't a fan and never really has been.

There's also nothing much you can do about it. If they don't want to do something then they don't want to do something. Annoying but🤷‍♀️ I agree with PP that you'll have to think if this could be a dealbreaker, especially if it was your favourite part about sex! That would be really hard for me

Cocomarine · 17/12/2021 10:59

You’ve said you’re not pressuring him, but you’ve refused to give him oral sex - which is quite meanly tit for tat, isn’t it?

Why? Do you dislike doing that and have only ever been doing it for him? So you feel that he should have the same approach?

If he no longer likes giving oral sex of course that’s fair - though reasonable that you’re disappointed! But how is he behaving otherwise? Is he doing other things that are “for” you instead? Or just selfishly refusing and not making any effort to “replace”?

stalkersaga · 17/12/2021 11:00

YANBU, that sucks.

The Womanizer is meant to be the toy that comes closest to replicating it, if that helps any.

junglejane66 · 17/12/2021 11:00

No means no. He's made it clear he doesnt like it, you shouldn't force him into it, end of.

You either have to accept it or leave

TurnUpTurnip · 17/12/2021 11:01

I had this exact thing with my ex, when we first met he was doing it all the time always instigated by him, then one day he suddenly just stopped and told me he didn’t like doing it, but he implied that he had never liked doing it which seemed the opposite tbh but wasn’t much I could say 😐

ChampagneLassie · 17/12/2021 11:03

Of course no-one should be pressurised into doing something they don't want. But its important that you are able to have open communications and both parties understand each others perspective. I doubt you'd leave an otherwise good relationship but its the shutting down of communication that bothers me. I think its really important to discuss things in more detail about how each of you feel as otherwise it could fester in all sorts of unpleasant ways. I'd suggest couples therapy to facilitate discussions.

username1293948 · 17/12/2021 11:04

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Wow, fuck that.
What do you mean, “fuck that” ? So many double standards on here it’s unreal, if a woman can say she doesn’t want to give oral then a man can say he doesn’t want to give oral either. Simple as.
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