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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:
catandcandle · 17/12/2021 12:15

I am also one who can only climax by oral (or vibrator). My first H did it but was never really into it, and it died a death when he once started retching and vomiting while doing it. (Later turned out that he was not really bisexual as he had claimed but was gay and was not at all into women's bodies).

My DH loves giving oral, it is his favourite thing, which is lucky for me. But if he couldn't/wouldn't do it I dont know how I would feel. On the one hand, as a postmenopausal woman I don't need all that much sex any more and I am also happy to sort myself out orgasm-wise. But him not wanting to do it any more would be the upsetting bit .

Tired1234567890 · 17/12/2021 12:20

Some men stop doing housework and anything domestic after kids.
This one has decided no more oral sex

I guess he better be good at the rest of it
Most women don't orgasm through sex alone so that'll be fun if he's not going to do anything useful.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 12:20

@CorrBlimeyGG

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

And that is all a person needs to say. No one should feel coerced into doing a sexual act they do not like.

It’s clear from OP’s post that she gets that.

But equally she shouldn’t feel coerced into staying with someone who doesn’t fulfil her.

BananaPant · 17/12/2021 12:23

@JuicySatsuma85

Wow people are making such a big deal out of this.

It’s totally normal to do sexual things in the beginning of a relationship that you aren’t really all that into and it’s ok to decide you don’t want to do them anymore.

People saying it’s a dealbreaker…grow up. Ending a marriage and changing a fathers relationship with his small child because you aren’t getting oral sex anymore?

OP never said it was the only way she could orgasm. Just that it’s her favourite part. If it is the only way she can orgasm then it’s a fun thing to work on together because it really shouldn’t be the only way you can orgasm.

This

We've been together 20 years. My DH used to give me oral sex all the time.
Now it's high noons and holidays.

No biggie.

I still have amazing orgasms by other means .

We still have sex. We still love each. He's just not so keen on oral sex. Fair enough I say.

I've had two c sections so no vaginal births , he just doesn't like it.

GrannyPantsAreGreat · 17/12/2021 12:27

Well, honestly. I'd probably end it. Couldn't give a toss about double standards. I think I would actually be very hurt if in this situation.

HaveringWavering · 17/12/2021 12:38

We've been together 20 years. My DH used to give me oral sex all the time.
Now it's high noons and holidays.

I think you mean high DAYS?

Unless he wears spurs and a stetson to do it? Grin

Toplowlight · 17/12/2021 12:39

I understand why you’re disappointed, though of course it’s right not to pressure him.

Do you generally feel like the intimacy is there, even without this? You’ll have to take a view on whether it’s a deal breaker for you.

Justsotirednow · 17/12/2021 12:40

@neverbeenskiing

*That is his line and it should be respected. We really need to move on from the way of thinking that people have to have sex/acts they don’t want to.*

OP has been clear that she doesn't intend to pressure him about this. I agree no one should "have to" give anyone oral sex. But if oral sex has been a regular feature of your sex life with your partner for years and they suddenly announce they're never doing it again and aren't clear why I don't think it's unreasonable to feel disappointed or frustrated.

You can feel as disappoitment and frustration as you want.

But boundaries can and do change and those have to be respected.

Doing something once/how many times does not mean life long consent.

That it a risk in long term relationships.

Fomofo · 17/12/2021 12:42

It's a bit crappy if he once was OK with it and has changed his 'position' as it were, after children come along

XiCi · 17/12/2021 12:44

So at the beginning of the relationship he was quite happy to give oral but now you've had a child he's decided that he doesn't like it anymore and refuses to do it, knowing its your favourite thing. Yes, as pps have said Fuck That.
IME it's very common for assholes to change their behaviour when their partner has a child. They think they have got them trapped and no longer need to make an effort. It's common for abuse to start after the birth of a child. So yes, there would be no pressure on him to do it but it would be a dealbreaker and I'd be making plans to leave. Makes me wonder if his behaviour has changed in other ways too.

Raspberryrippleplease · 17/12/2021 12:48

I totally agree @JuicySatsuma85

BananaPant · 17/12/2021 12:49

@HaveringWavering

We've been together 20 years. My DH used to give me oral sex all the time. Now it's high noons and holidays.

I think you mean high DAYS?

Unless he wears spurs and a stetson to do it? Grin

😆😆😆😆😆

Original poster
Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 12:50

Thanks for all the replies.

I had a C section so I don’t think it’s anything about the birth that’s putting him off particularly.

He does ‘finish’ me with his hands though, he’s good at that, but I do miss the oral!

We have good penetrative sex too…so it’s not all bad.

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 17/12/2021 12:52

YANBU to be disappointed but he's NBU to not do it if he doesn't like it. Sorry I think you just have to learn to live without it! I think it is fair to stop giving him oral if he won't give you any (unless you enjoy giving a lot in which cade why miss out?)

sirfredfredgeorge · 17/12/2021 12:54

LTB

neverbeenskiing · 17/12/2021 12:54

Wow people are making such a big deal out of this.

That's because it would be a big deal to them if it happened in their marriage. Maybe to you it wouldn't be, that's fine but different people have different needs and priorities. Some people wouldn't be that bothered if their partner said no sex at all, of any kind, from now on. Others would be devastated. The fact that OP started this thread suggests it's important to her and that's the point.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/12/2021 12:56

But why, what's changed? I'd want to know.

mumda · 17/12/2021 13:03

Wasn't there the reverse the other day posted on here?

Was different advice given?

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 17/12/2021 13:05

@mumda

Wasn't there the reverse the other day posted on here?

Was different advice given?

Why don't you look it up?
SpookyScarySkeletons · 17/12/2021 13:07

He doesn't like it. He doesn't want to do it. Have some respect for him.

Can't even imagine the bashing a bloke would get if he posted the same!!

PinkWednesdays · 17/12/2021 13:08

I get you’re disappointed but I think you’re really immature to refuse to do it for him because he doesn’t want to do it for you, unless you hate doing it as well. That is petty and verging on controlling. Imagine if a man said that - my wife hates giving BJs, so I refuse to give her oral sex too.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 17/12/2021 13:09

@XiCi

So at the beginning of the relationship he was quite happy to give oral but now you've had a child he's decided that he doesn't like it anymore and refuses to do it, knowing its your favourite thing. Yes, as pps have said Fuck That. IME it's very common for assholes to change their behaviour when their partner has a child. They think they have got them trapped and no longer need to make an effort. It's common for abuse to start after the birth of a child. So yes, there would be no pressure on him to do it but it would be a dealbreaker and I'd be making plans to leave. Makes me wonder if his behaviour has changed in other ways too.
Ok out of the history of Mumsnet this might be the most ridiculous escalation ever.

Not liking oral sex anymore = abuse

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 17/12/2021 13:11

@PinkWednesdays

I get you’re disappointed but I think you’re really immature to refuse to do it for him because he doesn’t want to do it for you, unless you hate doing it as well. That is petty and verging on controlling. Imagine if a man said that - my wife hates giving BJs, so I refuse to give her oral sex too.
Controlling? For making the same decision he has. Okaaaay.
PinkWednesdays · 17/12/2021 13:12

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches He’s stopped doing it because he doesn’t like and never has. She’s stopped out of revenge.,.

Veeveeoxox · 17/12/2021 13:12

@HaveringWavering

Why have you adopted a tit for tat approach? My take on this is that he’s 100% entitled not to do something sexually that he doesn’t enjoy or want to do, and he should not be “punished” for it or be made to explain. However, if you continue giving him oral sex he might well get back into the frame of mind of enjoying giving as well as receiving. I don’t enjoy giving oral sex and my husband never asks me to do it so I rarely initiate it spontaneously (we’ve never really discussed it). But if he does it for me, it normalises the concept a bit and kind of puts me more in the right frame of mind. Not sure if I’m expressing myself very well here.
Don't do this my OH got even more lazy lying there expecting a BJ then wouldn't even touch my vagina let alone oral. I said no more and stopped giving them.