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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:
HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 17:15

@Lennon80

If he’s not giving you oral definitely don’t give it to him!! You’d be mad to!
Why? If someone likes giving oral?

The only reason not to do something sexually is because you don't want to. Not for punishment or lack of reciprocity, but because you don't want to. Nor should someone feel forced to do something in the name reciprocity.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 17:18

@CandidaAlbicans2

But if the reason is "I don't like it" there's not much to talk about. A like or dislike is generally something you can't change or reason. I don't like carrots, I can't articulate why, I just know I don't. I don't like receiving oral, I don't know why, I just don't. No amount of talking is going to help understand why I don't like them or change that

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed, I think it is possible for people to articulate why though. eg, with food, it's usually taste, texture or the look of it, and with not liking receiving oral sex it could be embarrassment/being self conscious, worried about the taste, worried about smelling, etc. I'm not fond of parsnips but I can say it's because I find them rather perfumed in taste, nothing to do with smell, looks or texture.

OP's DP does have a reason that he doesn't like it, and if I were her I'd be confused too. Why seem to enjoy it for 2 years then say he doesn't enjoy it now. What's changed? Was he faking it the first 2 years and never really liked doing it? Or has something changed that's now putting him off, eg does she look, taste or smell different, or have different levels of wetness? Hoping for a reason isn't pressuring it, it's just trying to make sense of a behaviour change.

But sometimes there isn't a reason. I don't like carrots - it's not the texture, because I like parsnips which are very similar. It's not the flavour, because I like carrot soup, I don't have an issue with how it looks but put it all together and for some reason I don't like it. Same with cunniligus - I orgasm from it, I just don't enjoy it, downright dislike it but I have no idea why.
Derbee · 17/12/2021 17:39

@PinkWednesdays

I get you’re disappointed but I think you’re really immature to refuse to do it for him because he doesn’t want to do it for you, unless you hate doing it as well. That is petty and verging on controlling. Imagine if a man said that - my wife hates giving BJs, so I refuse to give her oral sex too.
I’d think that was absolutely fair enough. Oral is either a part of your sex life, or it’s not. It’s not fair to receive but not give. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Darkpheonix · 17/12/2021 17:42

someone can be judged as selfish if they take away something enjoyable without a reason.

But that's about how you frame it. If you view it as being deprived of something, you are putting the blame on the person.

If you frame it that a person is just not longer doing something they are not comfortable with.

Its about someone being comfortable with the sex acts they perform. Not an I tension to deprive.

If someone partakes in anal sex and then decides they no longer want to do anal, would they need to justify it? Would they be viewed as depriving their partner?

LavenderAskew · 17/12/2021 17:45

I like how some posters think it's perfectly fine for him not to give oral because he doesn't want to (and it is perfectly fine) but it's not OK for the OP to not give him oral because she doesn't want to.

What's the difference?

colourfulpuddles · 17/12/2021 17:47

@LavenderAskew

I like how some posters think it's perfectly fine for him not to give oral because he doesn't want to (and it is perfectly fine) but it's not OK for the OP to not give him oral because she doesn't want to.

What's the difference?

The difference is that he doesn’t want to because he presumably doesn’t like it. The OP is fine with blowjobs (hasn’t said otherwise) and has stopped simply to be petty and spiteful because he won’t do it to her.

She’s being controlling because she’s not getting her own way sexually.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 17/12/2021 17:49

@Darkpheonix,

You will notice the 'without a reason' part of the comment.

for instance, if someone suddenly developed a deep aversion to the smell of tea, then it would be perfectly reasonable to not make one's partner tea ever again.

But it would be really weird to not want to explain why, wouldn't it. Just a bald 'never making tea again' would annoy most people.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 17/12/2021 17:49

Please tell me you're an MRA parody account. Please.

LuckyAmy1986 · 17/12/2021 17:50

It’s something I can live without, there are plenty of other things I enjoy See it's all about personal preference. For me, I need my DH to be completely into me, fancy the absolute pants off me to where he wants to do all manner of dirty things with/to me. I COULD live without it, but I would be miserable and wouldn't want to. I would just feel that he wasn't attracted to me enough. Surely it's a huge turn on for most straight men.

LavenderAskew · 17/12/2021 17:57

The difference is that he doesn’t want to because he presumably doesn’t like it. The OP is fine with blowjobs (hasn’t said otherwise) and has stopped simply to be petty and spiteful because he won’t do it to her.

She’s being controlling because she’s not getting her own way sexually.

If you stop presuming then it boils down he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to. She doesn't want to because she doesn't want to.

He's not given a reason. Maybe she was fine with it because it meant she got oral.

Also he was fine with it (hasn’t said otherwise). So has he stopped simply to be petty and spiteful too?

Classica · 17/12/2021 18:08

The OP is fine with blowjobs (hasn’t said otherwise) and has stopped simply to be petty and spiteful because he won’t do it to her

Let us all weep for his unsucked penis.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 18:11

I’d think that was absolutely fair enough. Oral is either a part of your sex life, or it’s not. It’s not fair to receive but not give. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Is it fair to give but not receive?

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 18:11

@colourfulpuddles

The difference is that he doesn’t want to because he presumably doesn’t like it. The OP is fine with blowjobs (hasn’t said otherwise) and has stopped simply to be petty and spiteful because he won’t do it to her.

She’s being controlling because she’s not getting her own way sexually.

How incel does this sound? Hmm

Once more - OP never said she was fine with them. She did it in the spirit of reciprocity, not to be a service provider to him.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 18:12

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

I’d think that was absolutely fair enough. Oral is either a part of your sex life, or it’s not. It’s not fair to receive but not give. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Is it fair to give but not receive?

Not if OP doesn't want to, which she doesn't, hence she told him no more BJs.

This really isn't difficult peeps.

Fomofo · 17/12/2021 18:13

His lack of cunnilingus is pretty petty

Nocutenamesleft · 17/12/2021 18:13

I hate anyone doing it to me

It does nothing for me. I just get bored.

My husband loves doing it. But I refuse to let him. He 100% understands.

It’s a bit coercive and childish. To say if you won’t do it to me. I won’t to you. That’s not what a loving. Trusting. Healthy relationship is all about.

Classica · 17/12/2021 18:17

So many creeps on this thread who think it's only the OP's husband who has the right to say no.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 18:23

@Classica

So many creeps on this thread who think it's only the OP's husband who has the right to say no.
No, she has the right to say no as well, and I'm sure there's plenty of sex acts her DH has asked for that she has rightfully refused. But it appears from the OP that she is only refusing because she isn't getting it, and not because she dislikes it or doesn't generally want to do it which doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. It's not the refusal that's the issue, it's that it represents bigger issues.
Classica · 17/12/2021 18:28

As I said, so many creeps.

OneForTh · 17/12/2021 18:36

I wouldn't be giving someone oral who didn't offer the same back, it's rude. He sounds very selfish to have given at the start of the relationship and then decided to stop. I'd dump him, or agree to be free to have casual sex with other men if he's not interested.

Darkpheonix · 17/12/2021 18:54

[quote TheReluctantPhoenix]@Darkpheonix,

You will notice the 'without a reason' part of the comment.

for instance, if someone suddenly developed a deep aversion to the smell of tea, then it would be perfectly reasonable to not make one's partner tea ever again.

But it would be really weird to not want to explain why, wouldn't it. Just a bald 'never making tea again' would annoy most people.[/quote]
The tea anaolgy may work in this situation.

But making a cup of tea is not the same or comparable to a sex act.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 17/12/2021 19:03

@Nocutenamesleft

I hate anyone doing it to me

It does nothing for me. I just get bored.

My husband loves doing it. But I refuse to let him. He 100% understands.

It’s a bit coercive and childish. To say if you won’t do it to me. I won’t to you. That’s not what a loving. Trusting. Healthy relationship is all about.

I once fell asleep during it with an ex boyfriend 😂 he wasn't very good at it.
WrongWayApricot · 17/12/2021 20:49

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

Yeah but if I do carrots for you every Sunday since we met and suddenly after years you push your plate away and say I don't like carrots, I'd be wondering why. If when I asked why, you couldn't tell me, I'd feel really awkward. Did she ever like the carrots? Are there other things she doesn't like? Did I do the carrots wrong last Sunday?

If when we met you said you don't like carrots, I would probably never ask you why unless I really really like carrots (which I don't, yuck).

People don't usually stop liking things for no reason whatsoever.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 20:53

[quote WrongWayApricot]@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

Yeah but if I do carrots for you every Sunday since we met and suddenly after years you push your plate away and say I don't like carrots, I'd be wondering why. If when I asked why, you couldn't tell me, I'd feel really awkward. Did she ever like the carrots? Are there other things she doesn't like? Did I do the carrots wrong last Sunday?

If when we met you said you don't like carrots, I would probably never ask you why unless I really really like carrots (which I don't, yuck).

People don't usually stop liking things for no reason whatsoever.[/quote]
But I've stopped liking things for no reason I can discerne.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 20:57

No, she has the right to say no as well, and I'm sure there's plenty of sex acts her DH has asked for that she has rightfully refused. But it appears from the OP that she is only refusing because she isn't getting it, and not because she dislikes it or doesn't generally want to do it which doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. It's not the refusal that's the issue, it's that it represents bigger issues.

It’s pretty telling that you said you’re sure there’s plenty of sex acts her DH has asked for that she has refused, not that there are plenty of sex acts SHE has asked for that HE has refused.

Your default position is that the man asks and the woman should do it if she doesn’t hate it.

Pretty sad.

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