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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:

MargaretMorris · 17/12/2021 21:03

@GatoradeMeBitch

I knew "tit for tat" would come up

Do you guys think she adores blow jobs and is willing to deny herself this pleasure as an act of revenge? Seriously. Oral sex, both giving and receiving is a part of a healthy adult relationship. If one party decides to opt out of doing something that gives their partner pleasure, why is the other supposed to doggedly carry on?

Answer - Because she's a woman. You would never see these bullshit handmaiden replies if it was a man posting that his wife stopped giving him oral but still expected it. He'd be told to LTB within five replies.

I agree. This was a small part of a recent reason that I broke up with someone.

It isn't the same as not giving BJs as far as I'm concerned. A BJ is far more invasive but plenty of women do it, not because they like it (some do) but because they want to please the person they are with.

Anyway - some people might not care about it. But YOU do. I'd seriously think about whether you can overcome this sexual incompatibility.

WrongWayApricot · 17/12/2021 21:10

Well that's you then, people I know have whole conversations about why they might not like something even if they're not sure why. They talk about things they like instead of that thing, when they stopped liking it, if they ever went through phases of not liking it before... Never met a person that said I don't like carrots now and that was the end of the conversation. Like I said, would feel awkward, especially if it's a partner.

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 21:59

OP Erm let’s see you can go well further back let’s start at Cromwell, the Famine, Bloody Sunday massacre at Croke Park, long lost during the troubles even now over brexit still fucking them over so I’m not going to give a specific time period - too vast.

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 22:00

Wrong thread 😂🙀

Thwackit · 17/12/2021 22:01

I guess it sounds like he’s never liked it but did it in case it was a dealbreaker for you, and now having a child makes him feel he can be honest because it is less likely that it would be enough of a dealbreaker? That’s my guess, given he didn’t see a vaginal delivery. It’s pretty disappointing for you but if it’s not what he likes then only you can really decide if you can go without.

penniesdimesapplespears · 18/12/2021 07:51

Of course you are allowed to be disappointed. He hopefully won't be surprised if you look for it elsewhere at some time in the future.

Derbee · 18/12/2021 11:23

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

I’d think that was absolutely fair enough. Oral is either a part of your sex life, or it’s not. It’s not fair to receive but not give. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Is it fair to give but not receive?

No, of course not.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 18/12/2021 11:49

Derbee why not? Why should one person miss out because the other doesn't like receiving head?

LampLighter414 · 18/12/2021 12:07

YABU

Either a) Accept it b) End the relationship if its a deal breaker or c) suggest someone else can do that for you and open the relationship

LaBellina · 18/12/2021 12:15

You’re not entitled to receiving any oral sex, however you are completely entitled to end the relationship over this. I personally think it’s weird he suddenly stopped doing this and although technically he doesn’t owe you an explanation, it’s pretty shitty that he leaves you in the dark about the why. For many women it’s the only way to get an orgasm by their partner and also, I think many women would feel very self conscious if their partner after seeing them giving birth he wasn’t willing to give any longer. He has every right but he isn’t being kind or considerate of your feelings in this case.

Classica · 18/12/2021 12:49

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

Derbee why not? Why should one person miss out because the other doesn't like receiving head?

If the OP doesn't want to give him blowjobs anymore, for whatever reason, she doesn't have to. Why do you have such difficulty with this?

It's revolting that you only think the OP's partners decisions should be respected.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 18/12/2021 13:08

Classica did you even read my post? It's clearly not about the OP because it's about not liking receiving head.

Lennon80 · 18/12/2021 13:47

HaaaaaveyoumetTed
I’d think that was absolutely fair enough. Oral is either a part of your sex life, or it’s not. It’s not fair to receive but not give. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Is it fair to give but not receive?“

If you are giving and not receiving then there is a clear disparity - it’s not equitable - re sentiment will build. If you want to save the relationship no blow jobs would be imperative or you’d get bitter and resentful.

TimeThyme · 18/12/2021 14:04

I think you have possibly realized that you are not sexually compatible, so that must be disappointing...especially when for several years you had thought you were. Indeed it must be more then just disappointment!

However, there are scales of compatibility, and it depends how close together you on a scale. My DH loves a BJ, it is not something I actively "enjoy" giving, but I'm happy to go along with that since I know he enjoys it (and no I'm not being forced, and happily do it).

On the other hand, if DH wanted anal every time, that would be NO for me. It's not something I'm willing to go along with. However, these types of issues are usually sort in early stages of a relationship.

I also ask DH to do things for me sexually. Actually he's never refused anything I ask!!

Offmyfence · 19/12/2021 10:42

@LampLighter414

YABU

Either a) Accept it b) End the relationship if its a deal breaker or c) suggest someone else can do that for you and open the relationship

Why do you think she's BU, to be a bit disappointed?

She's not unaccepting.

BigYellowHat · 19/12/2021 10:46

@stalkersaga

YANBU, that sucks.

The Womanizer is meant to be the toy that comes closest to replicating it, if that helps any.

@Federalsummer it doesn’t. It’s a horrible toy, I bought it after everyone raved about it on here and mine went to the tip last week. Everyone has their own opinion of course but don’t want you to be disappointed.

BabyOnBoard90 · 19/12/2021 10:57

@Federalsummer

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either. It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

I would ask probing questions.

This might not be the case for you, but I've heard several anecdotes of women having poor vaginal hygiene and /or lack of public hair grooming. Moreover it is in very close proximity to an area many people have poor hygiene and gives off a bad smell (the rectum). Over time men can be conditioned to be repulsed.

Worth exploring what has turned him off, and what could make the area more palatable.

Respectfully.

Od130990 · 16/01/2022 10:20

Hope you've stuck to your guns op
Has he yet to give a reason for his sudden dislike of oral?

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