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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:
XiCi · 17/12/2021 13:16

Ok out of the history of Mumsnet this might be the most ridiculous escalation ever
Oh god, there's always one isn't there. Would you like to tell me where in the post I said her OH was an abuser? No? Didn't think so. Maybe try reading something properly before you you get all frothy

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 17/12/2021 13:16

[quote PinkWednesdays]@StrychnineInTheSandwiches He’s stopped doing it because he doesn’t like and never has. She’s stopped out of revenge.,.[/quote]
Why should the OP prioritise his pleasure when he doesn't care too much about hers?

Branleuse · 17/12/2021 13:18

@TurnUpTurnip

*What do you mean, “fuck that” ? So many double standards on here it’s unreal, if a woman can say she doesn’t want to give oral then a man can say he doesn’t want to give oral either. Simple as.*

I don't think so, there was a thread on here the other day were a woman wouldn't give her d h a bj when she was on her period and most of the posters seemed to feel sorry for him and think she should just do it anyway 🤷

Are you sure that wasnt just one postrr, maybe 2
HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 13:18

It's fine for you to be disappointed, I think that's a natural and reasonable response. The question is, what are you prepared to do about it? Is it a deal breaker for you.

I had a similar conversation with DH, I HATE receiving oral, he loves giving it, I told him it's not something I'd be prepared to do so he either had to live with it or leave me.

justasking111 · 17/12/2021 13:21

@AnneLovesGilbert

Was he down the business end when your baby was born? Was that when it changed?
This happens so often we go from whore to Madonna my OH and my DS were both affected
HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 13:21

@Aria2015

I think op is right to say no more oral from her too. I suspect the poster who mentioned the difference between disliking something and not being bothered has a point. If he previously did it (for a few years!) it can't be that repugnant to him. It's much more likely he's no longer as invested in her pleasure as he once was and because it wasn't his favourite thing to do, he's now stopped. I'm guessing blow jobs aren't ops favourite thing to do either (most womens enjoyment of sex doesn't hinge of giving a bloke head) so if he's not as invested in her pleasure as he once was, why should she keep putting all the effort in and investing in his? Sex is surely all about mutual enjoyment and pleasure? Otherwise it's just a chore or an elaborate wank!
I did things I didn't enjoy at the begining of the relationships that I stopped later on because, a) things became less pleasant for me the more I did them and b) I didn't feel that someone else's pleasure should be at my displeasure.
GatoradeMeBitch · 17/12/2021 13:22

I knew "tit for tat" would come up Grin

Do you guys think she adores blow jobs and is willing to deny herself this pleasure as an act of revenge? Seriously. Oral sex, both giving and receiving is a part of a healthy adult relationship. If one party decides to opt out of doing something that gives their partner pleasure, why is the other supposed to doggedly carry on?

Answer - Because she's a woman. You would never see these bullshit handmaiden replies if it was a man posting that his wife stopped giving him oral but still expected it. He'd be told to LTB within five replies.

Lockheart · 17/12/2021 13:22

I agree tit for tat is not a constructive way to approach your sex life. But neither is just deciding to stop something your partner enjoys with no warning and no discussion. Both are hurtful and will breed resentment. Then both parties get entrenched and won't budge, because they're hurt and upset. The refusal to consider each others feelings seeps into the rest of the relationship. Both end up feeling rejected and unloved. Then the whole relationship goes down the pan.

I'd really recommend a counsellor for both of them as a couple to help them communicate better.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/12/2021 13:23

If he genuinely doesn’t like it, he shouldn’t have to do it. Personally, I wouldn’t want someone doing it unwillingly as it would be a turn-off. I’d choose a non-stressful time and ask him why he did it early in the relationship, more for your peace of mind than anything else. I suspect he’s never really liked it, and that’s fine.

What’s equally important though is that you shouldn’t feel rejected because he’s stopped doing oral. Have a relaxed chat and perhaps you’ll feel happier. TBH, much as oral is great, I’d rather not have it than have someone down there mentally making faces and thinking Yuk.

OhGiveUp · 17/12/2021 13:24

It's difficult when you enjoy something but the partner doesn't. Does he try to please you in other ways to make up for it?
Do you actually enjoy giving? If so, then there's not really a reason not to. Playing tit for tat won't make him change his mind, plus would you honestly enjoy it as much knowing that he's doing it under protest?
I'm the opposite, I hate receiving but my DH loves giving. Every now and again he will attempt to slide his head down there, only to have it yanked up again by his ears.
I enjoy giving though and he enjoys receiving, so luckily he's never had to try and yank my ears off my head.

Branleuse · 17/12/2021 13:26

If my partner decided that he no longer wanted to give me oral, then absolutely no way would i give him oral.
I mean, I quite like giving as part of a session, but thats give and take, and its pleasureable because of the reciprocity. Theres no physical pleasure from having a cock in your mouth, its psychological pleasure as the give and take is erotic. Im not a prostitute and im not servicing him.

Tbh though, if my dp decided no more oral I would be so disappointed. I think it would ruin our whole sex life

JSL52 · 17/12/2021 13:28

@PlanktonsComputerWife

In those circs (did it but stopped) he's being unkind and cruel, and tbh that would put me off as much as the (probably for you crap and orgasm-less) sex-life would.

I'd call it a day. It wouldn't even be a question.

Maybe he never really liked it ? There are other ways to have an orgasm.
colourfulpuddles · 17/12/2021 13:30

I think you’re being ridiculously petty refusing to give him oral that you have no problem with just because he doesn’t want to do it. It’s quite spiteful of you actual and shows your poor character.

Classica · 17/12/2021 13:33

@colourfulpuddles

I think you’re being ridiculously petty refusing to give him oral that you have no problem with just because he doesn’t want to do it. It’s quite spiteful of you actual and shows your poor character.
Yes, OP. How dare you not suck his cock. So rude. Very poor character. Off the chart spite.
Journeynotdestination · 17/12/2021 13:33

My god what vitriol on this thread. There are some extremely bitter people posting here.

Classica · 17/12/2021 13:34

I agree with the pp who said oral sex is about reciprocity. If my partner said he would no longer perform oral sex on me there's no way I'm going to be down there sucking away in an effort to show there's no hard feelings.

Fuck.
That.

Darkpheonix · 17/12/2021 13:36

For God sake the fact that he no longer wants to do it, doesn't mean he put on a "good impression".

Sometimes people change. They no longer want to do things they used to.

If a woman came here and said she no longer wanted to give her husband head as she no longer enjoyed it, and he had called her cruel and accused her of only doing it to make a good impression in bed and (essentially) conned hon into a life without oral. Posters would be saying his behaviour isn't ok and or abusive and he was trying to guilt her into it

I know the op hasn't said some of those things but posters here have. It's actually a bit grim.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 17/12/2021 13:38

YANBU to feel the way you do but you need to find an alternative.

I used to give my partner oral but haven't for years now. I HATE it. For me, it's gross and I just won't do it anymore (except very drunk). He's gotten over it in time and never suggests it anymore. I offer a lot more to the relationship than a blow job but if he were to leave me over it then so be it, I wouldn't want to be with someone that shallow.

Can you get some sex toys instead?

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 13:38

@Classica

I agree with the pp who said oral sex is about reciprocity. If my partner said he would no longer perform oral sex on me there's no way I'm going to be down there sucking away in an effort to show there's no hard feelings.

Fuck.
That.

I absolutely disagree.

Sexual acts are not about reciprocity. It's about mutual respect and enjoyment. Which means different things for different people.

fitsandgiggles · 17/12/2021 13:39

Sorry but I couldn't stay

Classica · 17/12/2021 13:41

Sexual acts are not about reciprocity. It's about mutual respect and enjoyment. Which means different things for different people.

Correct.

Different things for different people.

For me if there's no reciprocity there's no oral sex.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 17/12/2021 13:43

@Lockheart

I agree tit for tat is not a constructive way to approach your sex life. But neither is just deciding to stop something your partner enjoys with no warning and no discussion. Both are hurtful and will breed resentment. Then both parties get entrenched and won't budge, because they're hurt and upset. The refusal to consider each others feelings seeps into the rest of the relationship. Both end up feeling rejected and unloved. Then the whole relationship goes down the pan.

I'd really recommend a counsellor for both of them as a couple to help them communicate better.

That's a tad dramatic. I've stopped giving blow jobs much to my partners disappointment. we were in out teens when we got together and what I liked to do has changed over the decades.

We now have kids and love each other much more deeply than we did before, even without blowjobs.

The end of oral absolutely doesn't signify the end of a relationship or problems for that matter. You just find other means. Not a big deal at all.

scarpa · 17/12/2021 13:45

He's NBU to not want to do it - everyone's entitled to their boundaries.

You're NBU to want it - everyone's entitled to sexual preferences and sexual compatibility is incredibly important in long-term relationships (in my opinion).

I think it's a shame he was previously willing and isn't now, but that's still his to decide. It's now yours to decide whether that's something you can live with long term (preferably after a conversation with him about it).

lliitttlepiinkhouse · 17/12/2021 13:46

For me oral is the only way I can orgasm and I thoroughly enjoy it, so yanbu to be disappointed. I would be.

But ultimately if he doesn't want to that's fine, he doesn't have to do anything sexually that he doesn't want to.

But you also don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs.

Lockheart · 17/12/2021 13:46

The end of oral absolutely doesn't signify the end of a relationship or problems for that matter. You just find other means. Not a big deal at all.

I didn't say it would. The lack of communication, however...