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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 17/12/2021 15:21

You have to respect his choice. If it was the other way round people would be saying ‘a man should respect a woman’s choice not to give a BJ’?

It’s something I can live without, there are plenty of other things I enjoy.

I can also recommend the womanizer 😉

CandidaAlbicans2 · 17/12/2021 15:22

But if the reason is "I don't like it" there's not much to talk about. A like or dislike is generally something you can't change or reason. I don't like carrots, I can't articulate why, I just know I don't. I don't like receiving oral, I don't know why, I just don't. No amount of talking is going to help understand why I don't like them or change that

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed, I think it is possible for people to articulate why though. eg, with food, it's usually taste, texture or the look of it, and with not liking receiving oral sex it could be embarrassment/being self conscious, worried about the taste, worried about smelling, etc. I'm not fond of parsnips but I can say it's because I find them rather perfumed in taste, nothing to do with smell, looks or texture.

OP's DP does have a reason that he doesn't like it, and if I were her I'd be confused too. Why seem to enjoy it for 2 years then say he doesn't enjoy it now. What's changed? Was he faking it the first 2 years and never really liked doing it? Or has something changed that's now putting him off, eg does she look, taste or smell different, or have different levels of wetness? Hoping for a reason isn't pressuring it, it's just trying to make sense of a behaviour change.

Thedogscollar · 17/12/2021 15:26

@XiCi

Can't understand plain English? Get arsey over absolutely nothing? What, here, in Britain?

I know, I should know better

Your whole post sounded aggressive referring to men as assholes and how they often change after the birth etc.

I stand by my comment you can stand by yours.
I'm perfectly able to comprehend simple English.

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 17/12/2021 15:27

@XiCi

For God's sake get a bloody grip. So now this man is being accused of abuse.Some people on here are beyond belief Nope. You get a fucking grip and read the post properly. No accusations of abuse. Just stating a fact that abuse often starts after the birth as part of a wider conversation about behaviour changes. What is beyond belief is how people can't comprehend simple sentences or bother to read properly before posting arsey replies

I think you're being disingenuous here.

The very fact that you've mentioned a man's refusal to have oral sex and then linked it to abuse is in itself a connection of those of two things.

Why mention abuse at all?

Did you just throw it in randomly and you could just as easily have said cats or garden centres?

Of course not. You chose the word abuse because you wanted to make a point.

Others have picked up on this and, instead of fucking and blinding, why don't you just say you made a mistake or defend your position. The least viable option is to try and pretend you never said it or that wasn't what you meant and the most foolish option is to say that those who have picked you up on can't understand simple sentences.

Refusing to give oral sex is not abuse and nor is it the first step or even a clarion call leading to abuse.

Offmyfence · 17/12/2021 15:52

@ElectraBlue

He told you he does not like it. Respect that.

You would not enjoy being forced to do something that you don't like sexually so you need to give your partner the same courtesy.

Did you read the OP??

Because she is respecting it, she is not forcing him and she has said is she BU to feel a bit disappointed?

Are you prone to an overactive imagination?

Bellyups · 17/12/2021 15:52

Cor there’s a lot of posters piling in on OP when she quite clearly said she would never force him to do it, and is just a little disappointed.
To the poster who said she was being ‘tit for tat’ by not giving him oral anymore…seriously?!?

@Federalsummer, I get you. Personally, I couldn’t be in a long term relationship with someone who wouldn’t do this. Yes, it’s entirely his choice and as you know, you can’t change it. But you can change things for yourself. A lifetime of feeling like you’re missing out on something you enjoy? Nah.

HermioneHere · 17/12/2021 16:10

No one is perfect OP. It's sad but perhaps if everything else in life is going well you can leave it for now. Perhaps he may change with time. If he's tired/stressed, making the extra effort at the moment may not come naturally to him at the moment.

It may also be he's lowering his libido slightly. Not sure what his age is but it can't be crazy shagging like in the early years forever...

Also, hate to ask but is it to do with cleanliness? It might feel afraid to ask - but if you'd had a shower before would that help? Have you been through every reason you can think of?

has the smell down there changed since you gave birth? There could be all sorts of little things that just tip him over the edge.

I'd probe around gently if it were possible to find out what's really going on and if it is fixable.

Like did he enjoy it in the first place even?

BurbageBrook · 17/12/2021 16:12

Couldn’t respect a man who stopped giving me oral after I’d given birth to our child. Nope. Would be a deal breaker for me.

anoname · 17/12/2021 16:15

satisfyer pro

blameless · 17/12/2021 16:19

@PlanktonsComputerWife

Men are often traumatised by seeing birth.

They're traumatised...

Radio 4 had a Health Service representative talking about how stretched midwives are at work last week. I did think 'not nearly as much as their dear patients'.

Deadringer · 17/12/2021 16:24

Oh blameless that gave me a much needed laugh thanks. Unfortunate use of the word 'stretched' all right.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 17/12/2021 16:35

I don’t think it’s fair to pressure him. You could ask why, without being defensive, but may not like the answer (imagine how you’d feel if he said he wanted you to wax or wash down there first, or that you look/taste/smell different since birth and it turns him off? Don’t ask if you can’t deal with an honest answer.

Lots of women dislike giving men oral sex and I don’t think it’s fair to try to coax anyone into a sexual act they dislike.

scooterbear · 17/12/2021 16:38

This would really upset me but I suppose you can't make people do things they don't want to do. If it helps I've got a Vibe from vush that stimulates it effectively-might be your only option

Offmyfence · 17/12/2021 16:40

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Lots of women dislike giving men oral sex and I don’t think it’s fair to try to coax anyone into a sexual act they dislike.

Read the OP, then try and give a useful answer?

She has not pressured him
She has asked
He refuses to give an answer other than "I don't want to", so she was prepared for an honest answer, but he won't respond.

Apart from those things, you've got it spot on!

PlanktonsComputerWife · 17/12/2021 16:40

Blameless, laughed and winced at the same time at that.

Lorw · 17/12/2021 16:49

OP can say she would like an honest answer as to why he’s changed his mind however sometimes it can hurt to be too honest. Imagine if his reasoning is that taste/smell/texture has changed and he doesn’t like it, wouldn’t this make OP extremely self conscious? I know it would put me off being intimate with my partner at all.

It’s okay to be disappointed OP, if you can’t live without it then you have every right to leave.

RodJaneFreddy · 17/12/2021 16:51

Sounds like you have to go without it seeing as he doesn’t like it.
If you like giving him Ora I don’t see that you’re right in taking that away from him.
Personal choice and respect

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 16:57

My husband was not very skilled at it it anyway so wasn’t bothered really but I prefer PIV anyway. If however I really enjoyed it I’d feel very different about him barely doing it.

Classica · 17/12/2021 16:59

@RodJaneFreddy

Sounds like you have to go without it seeing as he doesn’t like it. If you like giving him Ora I don’t see that you’re right in taking that away from him. Personal choice and respect

She's wrong to take blowjobs away from him?

Restart10 · 17/12/2021 17:02

Surely If the reason is he doesn't want to, he does not to explain further. He doesn't want to and should not be asked again.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 17/12/2021 17:04

I think this is a more nuanced issue than the black/white posters are making it.

No one should ever be made to do anything that they don't want to but, equally, someone can be judged as selfish if they take away something enjoyable without a reason.

To use the cup of tea analogy much loved on here, if someone who had for years been happy to make you a cup of tea suddenly said no more tea ever again (unless you make it yourself), it would be a bit mean.

Sex is, ultimately, a very important communication tool for couples and if you cease communicating well and it becomes transactional, why bother, really. It will end up being bad sex leading to resentment.

I think it speaks of a bigger issue than just oral sex and you need to both communicate better (especially him, but your tit-for-tat withdrawal was hardly going to improve things), or it will become relationship threatening.

THEDEACON · 17/12/2021 17:05

Yanbu to be disappointed nor is it unreasonable not to give it either

PlanktonsComputerWife · 17/12/2021 17:06

She's wrong to take blowjobs away from him?

Won't somebody think of the spermatozoa?

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 17:09

If he’s not giving you oral definitely don’t give it to him!! You’d be mad to!

OffMyCloud · 17/12/2021 17:13

It's totally his choice, but in that situation I'd want to know exactly the reason why? And explain how it makes me feel.

If that had come up in earlier stage of a relationship I'd not have proceeded due to lack of sexual compatibility.

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