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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:
Squeezita · 17/12/2021 13:47

@colourfulpuddles

I think you’re being ridiculously petty refusing to give him oral that you have no problem with just because he doesn’t want to do it. It’s quite spiteful of you actual and shows your poor character.
OP never said she has no problem with it.
PlanktonsComputerWife · 17/12/2021 13:48

But you also don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs.

100 times this.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 13:49

@Classica

Sexual acts are not about reciprocity. It's about mutual respect and enjoyment. Which means different things for different people.

Correct.

Different things for different people.

For me if there's no reciprocity there's no oral sex.

So you'd rather someone did something they actively disliked? How can you find that enjoyable?
Squeezita · 17/12/2021 13:52

@Classica

So you'd rather someone did something they actively disliked? How can you find that enjoyable?

You can't ask someone to do something to you that you don't like doing to them. It then becomes less about mutual pleasure and more about one person taking advantage of the other.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 13:52

Sorry that was for @HaaaaaveyoumetTed

neverbeenskiing · 17/12/2021 13:55

For God sake the fact that he no longer wants to do it, doesn't mean he put on a "good impression".Sometimes people change. They no longer want to do things they used to.

Calm down. I didn't say this was the case with OP's DH, I was simply making a point that some men just don't like oral but there are others who make an effort early on but can't be bothered once the relationship is established as they get complacent and I think the distinction between the two matters. If you look at the Relationships board you will find a lot of women whose DH's have gotten progressively more lazy and selfish in bed over time, it's very common. Surely the point is OP doesn't know why her DH has suddenly stopped because he won't communicate about it.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 13:55

@Squeezita

Sorry that was for *@HaaaaaveyoumetTed*
Why is it for me? That was my point.
Diywizz · 17/12/2021 13:56

Explain how you feel about this especially considering how it was always your favourite part. Then request an open relationship on your part ( you can't force him but you have needs too) or let him know that it's a deal breaker for you

Classica · 17/12/2021 13:56

So you'd rather someone did something they actively disliked? How can you find that enjoyable?

No.

I would wonder why someone did something they actively disliked for two years prior to mentioning it.

I'm a 'put your sexual cards on the table at the outset' kind of person and I'd be baffled that someone would pretend to like a sexual act in order to...get someone to like them/get someone into a committed relationship/have kids.

No one is served well by those kinds of games.

Classica · 17/12/2021 13:58

[quote Squeezita]@Classica

So you'd rather someone did something they actively disliked? How can you find that enjoyable?

You can't ask someone to do something to you that you don't like doing to them. It then becomes less about mutual pleasure and more about one person taking advantage of the other.[/quote]
If someone announced they hated performing oral sex I can assure you that I wouldn't want them anywhere near my vagina. I was objecting to people chastising the OP for not wanting to give her partner blow jobs anymore. I can completely see why she wouldn't want to.

JuicySatsuma85 · 17/12/2021 13:58

@neverbeenskiing

Wow people are making such a big deal out of this.

That's because it would be a big deal to them if it happened in their marriage. Maybe to you it wouldn't be, that's fine but different people have different needs and priorities. Some people wouldn't be that bothered if their partner said no sex at all, of any kind, from now on. Others would be devastated. The fact that OP started this thread suggests it's important to her and that's the point.

I’m not actually commenting on the OPs disappointment. I don’t think they are making a big deal out of it at all. I think the replies suggesting it is divorce time are the ones making a big deal. I just think it’s sad that one specific sex act would break up some peoples families.

“In sickness and in health” but not in lack of oral sex?

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 13:59

@Classica

So you'd rather someone did something they actively disliked? How can you find that enjoyable?

No.

I would wonder why someone did something they actively disliked for two years prior to mentioning it.

I'm a 'put your sexual cards on the table at the outset' kind of person and I'd be baffled that someone would pretend to like a sexual act in order to...get someone to like them/get someone into a committed relationship/have kids.

No one is served well by those kinds of games.

People can't change likes and dislikes? I used to like being on top but I don't now. I don't know why, it just doesn't do for me anymore. Should I keep doing it because it is something I did at the beginning when I enjoyed it?
GingerbreadandJellytots · 17/12/2021 14:00

How is your sex Life otherwise and is he finding other ways to pleasure you, eg. If he doesn't want to put his mouth there could you use toys or fingers to stimulate you instead or is he now only interested in PIV

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 14:00

@Classica

If someone announced they hated performing oral sex I can assure you that I wouldn't want them anywhere near my vagina. I was objecting to people chastising the OP for not wanting to give her partner blow jobs anymore. I can completely see why she wouldn't want to.

I agree with you. I @'ed you incorrectly.

TheSoapyFrog · 17/12/2021 14:03

YANBU to be disappointed. People's likes and dislikes change over the years. 10 years ago I enjoyed giving and receiving oral, now I cannot bear it. 15 years ago I hated pasta, now I like it. 4 years ago I loved paté and now it makes me feel a bit sick.
Your options are to come to terms with it, or leave. If he were to do it only because you wanted it and it was the only way you would reciprocate, I doubt you would enjoy it as much knowing that he didn't want to and wasn't enjoying it.

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 14:04

Enjoyment is linked to reciprocity.

I agree if there's no reciprocity, there's no enjoyment for the giver.

Swanfairydust · 17/12/2021 14:07

@PlanktonsComputerWife

In those circs (did it but stopped) he's being unkind and cruel, and tbh that would put me off as much as the (probably for you crap and orgasm-less) sex-life would.

I'd call it a day. It wouldn't even be a question.

Would love you see you do that
Candyfloss99 · 17/12/2021 14:09

Seems to be a lot of bitter women on this thread who give their partners blow jobs and receive nothing in return 🤣.

It is not spiteful to not give oral sex because you get none. I'm sure it wouldn't be attractive to give it anymore if your partner can't be bothered giving it to you.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 17/12/2021 14:11

@Lockheart

The end of oral absolutely doesn't signify the end of a relationship or problems for that matter. You just find other means. Not a big deal at all.

I didn't say it would. The lack of communication, however...

What lack of communication? He just doesnt want to give oral. End of. It's not a communication issue when you have a preference and let someone know that.

What would be is not wanting to do it and rather than say it, make excuses everytime it comes up.

OPs partner has been very clear in what he will and won't do. OP either accepts that in grace or moves on, which would be quite shallow imo.

AllTheWeetabix · 17/12/2021 14:13

That’s a deal breaker for me.

Thatsplentyjack · 17/12/2021 14:15

Well there's nothing you can do. He doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have to. You have to decide wether you can live with it or not.

Thatsplentyjack · 17/12/2021 14:15

Whether

Hemingwayscatz · 17/12/2021 14:16

Leaving the Father of your child because they won’t lick your fanny is a bit farfetched imo. If he outright refused to have any sex at all then fair enough but to leave purely over oral is a bit much.

YANBU to be disappointed but he has a right to refuse to do something he isn’t comfortable with sexually. It may well be that he only did it when you first got together because it was the honeymoon period and he wanted to please you but now he knows he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. Some people just dislike oral which is fair enough, we’re all different.

BrilliantBetty · 17/12/2021 14:18

I don't like it. Very rarely give or receive. And I am not happy with DH looking at my vagina area up so close these days.
If It meant my DH was dreadfully unhappy, I would encourage him to leave me.
And find someone who does want to do that stuff.
Because I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own bedroom and shouldn't have to.

So have an upfront conversation. Explore what your options are.

shreddednips · 17/12/2021 14:18

What's enjoyable sexually can change. There are things I enjoyed (or was at least willing to entertain) in my twenties that I wouldn't want to do now. Your DH is entitled to decide he doesn't like it any more. However, I completely understand why you're disappointed.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to give him oral though if he's not happy to reciprocate. I expect a lot of women fall into a sort of middle camp with blowjobs where they neither enjoy it nor loathe it. It's something I'm happy to do because my husband enjoys it and I don't mind it, but also because it's sexy when it's part of give and take. It would be less appealing if it wasn't. It's not revenge as I see it, just that the fact he's not willing to reciprocate changes the sexual dynamic in a way that means giving wouldn't be erotic any more.