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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:
WhoAre · 17/12/2021 14:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/12/2021 14:20

I mean, fuck that. Who wants a relationship with someone who hooks them in with their favourite sex act, then takes it off the table?*

I note this started after op had their first child. Very common for men to get abusive/selfish immediately after pregnancy/birth.

*obviously doesnt apply if trauma related.

housemaus · 17/12/2021 14:27

The end of oral absolutely doesn't signify the end of a relationship or problems for that matter. You just find other means. Not a big deal at all.

For you, maybe. Some people may not agree.

Lockheart · 17/12/2021 14:34

What lack of communication? He just doesnt want to give oral. End of. It's not a communication issue when you have a preference and let someone know that.

Well there are two points which obviously aren't being approached well, on the basis of what the OP has written:

  • his sudden change of heart on the matter - why has it happened now and can anything be done to help
  • the OPs counter that she won't do oral any longer if he won't, which isn't a constructive way to approach an issue in the bedroom

So yes, two fairly key items which need to be discussed maturely I would say.

Darkpheonix · 17/12/2021 14:35

@neverbeenskiing

For God sake the fact that he no longer wants to do it, doesn't mean he put on a "good impression".Sometimes people change. They no longer want to do things they used to.

Calm down. I didn't say this was the case with OP's DH, I was simply making a point that some men just don't like oral but there are others who make an effort early on but can't be bothered once the relationship is established as they get complacent and I think the distinction between the two matters. If you look at the Relationships board you will find a lot of women whose DH's have gotten progressively more lazy and selfish in bed over time, it's very common. Surely the point is OP doesn't know why her DH has suddenly stopped because he won't communicate about it.

And? There's women that post that can't he arsed with sex anymore? Does that mean they are lazy and selfish?

He has communicated. He says he doesn't like doing jt. He doesn't have to give her an explanation.

And do stop with the misogynist 'calm down'. A phrase designed to shut women, who dont agree with you, down. There's nothing in my post that suggests I am not calm.

Why would anyone not be calm over someone else's sex life?

ElectraBlue · 17/12/2021 14:40

He told you he does not like it. Respect that.

You would not enjoy being forced to do something that you don't like sexually so you need to give your partner the same courtesy.

Classica · 17/12/2021 14:42

@ElectraBlue

He told you he does not like it. Respect that.

You would not enjoy being forced to do something that you don't like sexually so you need to give your partner the same courtesy.

She clearly is respecting his wishes.
WrongWayApricot · 17/12/2021 14:44

The bit that would bother me most is my partner not being able to talk about it properly with me. I imagine saying he's never going to do the sex act you used to do ever again but not being able to say why would make things feel awkward in other aspects of the relationship.

Classica · 17/12/2021 14:44

There's women that post that can't he arsed with sex anymore? Does that mean they are lazy and selfish?

Well if they're deciding they don't want to have sex with their partner anymore it means they're making a fundamental change to the relationship and a bit of communication wouldn't go astray.

That's pretty basic stuff.

Lockheart · 17/12/2021 14:47

There's women that post that can't he arsed with sex anymore? Does that mean they are lazy and selfish?

Potentially, yes. If partners aren't invested in each others happiness and pleasure then at least one person is going to be pretty miserable in that relationship.

He has communicated. He says he doesn't like doing jt. He doesn't have to give her an explanation.

I maintain that "fuck your needs, I don't want to and you can't make me" isn't a healthy or mature approach to problems in the relationship.

Darkpheonix · 17/12/2021 14:47

@Classica

There's women that post that can't he arsed with sex anymore? Does that mean they are lazy and selfish?

Well if they're deciding they don't want to have sex with their partner anymore it means they're making a fundamental change to the relationship and a bit of communication wouldn't go astray.

That's pretty basic stuff.

Yes, they can say 'I don't like doing X anymore'

That's communicating. They have no obligation to break it down and justify it.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 14:48

@Squeezita

Enjoyment is linked to reciprocity.

I agree if there's no reciprocity, there's no enjoyment for the giver.

For some people, but not for others.
Classica · 17/12/2021 14:50

Yes, they can say 'I don't like doing X anymore'

That's communicating. They have no obligation to break it down and justify it.

And that's fine. But shutting down conversation is a sure fire way to breed confusion and hurt feelings.

oviraptor21 · 17/12/2021 14:50

But he hasn't communicated anything beyond no he won't do it any more.
A mature person, and a loving partner, one who knows that this is pretty important to his partner, would be doing whatever he could to address the now imbalance. He would be sharing why he now feels this way. And yes, the OP does deserve an explanation. It's this lack of the basic respect of discussing this with his partner, that doesn't bode well for the relationship.

Mischance · 17/12/2021 14:53

No-one, male or female should be asked to take part in any sexual act that they do not want to.

If we love our partner, then we accept that, and turn our minds to all the good things that the relationship brings.

You are entitled to feel disappointed if you wish; but a loyal loving partner takes precedence in my book.

Thedogscollar · 17/12/2021 14:53

@XiCi

So at the beginning of the relationship he was quite happy to give oral but now you've had a child he's decided that he doesn't like it anymore and refuses to do it, knowing its your favourite thing. Yes, as pps have said Fuck That. IME it's very common for assholes to change their behaviour when their partner has a child. They think they have got them trapped and no longer need to make an effort. It's common for abuse to start after the birth of a child. So yes, there would be no pressure on him to do it but it would be a dealbreaker and I'd be making plans to leave. Makes me wonder if his behaviour has changed in other ways too.
For God's sake get a bloody grip. So now this man is being accused of abuse. Some people on here are beyond belief.
crystal1717 · 17/12/2021 14:55

Men are often traumatised by seeing birth. It's possibly taboo to mention but it's definitely a thing.
It massively affected the sex life in my first marriage after a traumatic birth. We divorced and the no sex due to his subconscious-post-traumatic revulsion concerning my vagina, was a contributing factor. He also didnt want me or him, to go through that (birth) again

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 17/12/2021 14:58

@WrongWayApricot

The bit that would bother me most is my partner not being able to talk about it properly with me. I imagine saying he's never going to do the sex act you used to do ever again but not being able to say why would make things feel awkward in other aspects of the relationship.
But if the reason is "I don't like it" there's not much to talk about. A like or dislike is generally something you can't change or reason. I don't like carrots, I can't articulate why, I just know I don't. I don't like receiving oral, I don't know why, I just don't. No amount of talking is going to help understand why I don't like them or change that.
PlanktonsComputerWife · 17/12/2021 14:58

Men are often traumatised by seeing birth.

They're traumatised...

XiCi · 17/12/2021 15:05

For God's sake get a bloody grip. So now this man is being accused of abuse.Some people on here are beyond belief
Nope. You get a fucking grip and read the post properly. No accusations of abuse. Just stating a fact that abuse often starts after the birth as part of a wider conversation about behaviour changes. What is beyond belief is how people can't comprehend simple sentences or bother to read properly before posting arsey replies

Darkpheonix · 17/12/2021 15:08

@oviraptor21

But he hasn't communicated anything beyond no he won't do it any more. A mature person, and a loving partner, one who knows that this is pretty important to his partner, would be doing whatever he could to address the now imbalance. He would be sharing why he now feels this way. And yes, the OP does deserve an explanation. It's this lack of the basic respect of discussing this with his partner, that doesn't bode well for the relationship.
No, thats your opinion.

My personal opinion, is that if someone no longer enjoys a sex act, they dont have to do it. They don't need to explore why.

Nor do they owe an explanation above 'I don't enjoy doing that'.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 17/12/2021 15:10

What is beyond belief is how people can't comprehend simple sentences or bother to read properly before posting arsey replies

Can't understand plain English? Get arsey over absolutely nothing? What, here, in Britain? Wink

XiCi · 17/12/2021 15:12

Can't understand plain English? Get arsey over absolutely nothing? What, here, in Britain?
Grin I know, I should know better Grin

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 17/12/2021 15:16

@justasking111

What did you mean when you say your husband and son were affected in this way after giving birth?

Why did it affect your son?

Squeezita · 17/12/2021 15:19

@Lockheart

- the OPs counter that she won't do oral any longer if he won't, which isn't a constructive way to approach an issue in the bedroom

Why isn't this constructive? He's stated his position, OP has stated her counter-position. No more oral for either of them, job done.

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