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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to give me oral sex ever?

218 replies

Federalsummer · 17/12/2021 10:32

We’ve been together 5 years and have a 3 year old. At the start of the relationship he was open to oral (giving and receiving) then after we had our son, he decided he didn’t want to do it to me anymore. So I said I wouldn’t be doing it to him either.
It’s my absolute favourite thing, so I feel a bit gutted really, I know it’s a bit pathetic. I won’t be pressuring him into anything of course, but just a bit disappointed especially if we’re together for the long haul.

We do have sex, but the oral part of it was always my favourite.

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 17/12/2021 11:04

@RoastedParnsip

He doesn't like it. Respect that.

If you said you didn't like giving him oral, and he went on and on and on about it how would you feel? Ffs.

FFS read the post, where is she going on an on to him about it, she states she won't be pressuring him.

OP, yes I agree I would be very disappointed. It is tough as he has obviously changed how he feels about you and your sex life.

Sleepyquest · 17/12/2021 11:06

I know how you feel! Sad

TurnUpTurnip · 17/12/2021 11:08

What do you mean, “fuck that” ?
So many double standards on here it’s unreal, if a woman can say she doesn’t want to give oral then a man can say he doesn’t want to give oral either. Simple as.

I don't think so, there was a thread on here the other day were a woman wouldn't give her d h a bj when she was on her period and most of the posters seemed to feel sorry for him and think she should just do it anyway 🤷

CheshireKitten123 · 17/12/2021 11:09

If a man was posting and complaining about a 'bait and switch' he would be shot down in flames.

Some men have a different view of their partners 'bits' after they have had a child. I don't know why that is.

I have no advice for OP either, I'm afraid. Confused

Lockheart · 17/12/2021 11:12

If it's the only way one partner can orgasm then it's unfair of the other partner to unilaterally take it off the table when it was A-OK previously. And I'm not saying this is the OPs situation, but it is for a lot of women.

How is your communication generally around sex? Given this seems to be associated with the birth of your child, I'd think maybe he has a bit of a fear of getting up close and personal, as it were, which isn't really a healthy attitude to have towards your partner's body. Using your hands / PIV allows a certain distance.

Would he be open to some couples counseling to see if you can work through this?

UrbanMage · 17/12/2021 11:12

I’m a little in the same boat. Saying that, our sex life has died an almighty death in the last few years.

neverbeenskiing · 17/12/2021 11:17

I think it's important to make the distinction between men who genuinely don't like/feel comfortable with oral and men who are happy to do it at the start of a relationship when they're still trying to make a good impression, but after marriage/kids they just can't be bothered anymore because they're lazy, complacent and only interested in their own pleasure. For some women oral sex is the only way they can orgasm with a partner so suddenly taking this off the table completely is a big deal.

CheshireKitten123 · 17/12/2021 11:20

@neverbeenskiing

I think it's important to make the distinction between men who genuinely don't like/feel comfortable with oral and men who are happy to do it at the start of a relationship when they're still trying to make a good impression, but after marriage/kids they just can't be bothered anymore because they're lazy, complacent and only interested in their own pleasure. For some women oral sex is the only way they can orgasm with a partner so suddenly taking this off the table completely is a big deal.
This is a good point
PlanktonsComputerWife · 17/12/2021 11:25

In those circs (did it but stopped) he's being unkind and cruel, and tbh that would put me off as much as the (probably for you crap and orgasm-less) sex-life would.

I'd call it a day. It wouldn't even be a question.

Lockheart · 17/12/2021 11:27

@neverbeenskiing

I think it's important to make the distinction between men who genuinely don't like/feel comfortable with oral and men who are happy to do it at the start of a relationship when they're still trying to make a good impression, but after marriage/kids they just can't be bothered anymore because they're lazy, complacent and only interested in their own pleasure. For some women oral sex is the only way they can orgasm with a partner so suddenly taking this off the table completely is a big deal.
A good point!

Both parties really have to be interested in giving each other a good time otherwise at least one person in the relationship is going to be having shit sex.

likepeddlesonabeach · 17/12/2021 11:35

I agree nobody should ever be coerced into anything sexual they don’t want. I also think it’s problematic to say one day you’ll never again do something that was once an important part of your sex life together. You choose your partner on the basis of lots of things but sexual compatibility is one of them, if he never liked it he should have made that clear at the beginning and if he’s suddenly gone off it he needs to reflect on and talk about why that happened rather than just ignore it. YANBU to be disappointed, part of good sex if feeling your partner wants to give you pleasure.

pointythings · 17/12/2021 11:48

I think he needs to be honest about why he never wants to do it again - if he was only doing it to be on his best behaviour then that says a lot about your relationship.

Once you're clear about how things are going to be, it's up to you what you do - he doesn't have to do sexual things he doesn't want to do (and nor do you), but he should also not be annoyed if you invest in a suitable alternative, like a Womanizer.

honeylulu · 17/12/2021 11:55

No one should participate in a sex act they don't want. But as he seemed happy to do it the first few years I expect OP feels a bit like she committed to a long term relationship on a false pretence about the sort of sex life that could be expected. That's how I would feel!

blameless · 17/12/2021 11:56

I'm not sure how many men have their feelings about their partner's vulva changed by overexcited midwives demanding the father pay close attention to the baby's head as she's tearing.
It's much easier for those who prefer to get off on the pleasure they're giving than those who consider it an onerous obligation or an accepted part of foreplay that you need to get out of the way before the real event.
I think it's fact of life that if it's important to one partner and it's withdrawn, then the other will withhold it too - hopefully that's not considered a dealbreaker.

HaveringWavering · 17/12/2021 11:59

Why have you adopted a tit for tat approach?
My take on this is that he’s 100% entitled not to do something sexually that he doesn’t enjoy or want to do, and he should not be “punished” for it or be made to explain. However, if you continue giving him oral sex he might well get back into the frame of mind of enjoying giving as well as receiving. I don’t enjoy giving oral sex and my husband never asks me to do it so I rarely initiate it spontaneously (we’ve never really discussed it). But if he does it for me, it normalises the concept a bit and kind of puts me more in the right frame of mind. Not sure if I’m expressing myself very well here.

HeartOfClass · 17/12/2021 11:59

You DP is entitled to make whatever decision he wants, and there will be an associated impact

That would be HUGE issue for me. One of the key things early in a relationship is to establish acceptable norms of behaviours, understand what the partner wants and likes, explain what you want and like. The applies to life in general, and also cover sex.

I feel sorry for your that you are in such a relationship, you'll have a bad sex life, and it will only get worse as you reflect on it more.

But that's his choice to make.

FestiveFruitloop · 17/12/2021 12:00

@CorrBlimeyGG

When I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, he says he doesn’t like it and he leaves it at that.

And that is all a person needs to say. No one should feel coerced into doing a sexual act they do not like.

Who's coercing? The OP is simply expressing disappointment that this facet of her sex life appears to be over.
StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 17/12/2021 12:03

YANBU to be disappointed.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if you're okay with accepting a sub-par sex life from here on out.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 17/12/2021 12:05

@honeylulu

No one should participate in a sex act they don't want. But as he seemed happy to do it the first few years I expect OP feels a bit like she committed to a long term relationship on a false pretence about the sort of sex life that could be expected. That's how I would feel!
That's how I'd feel too.
Squeezita · 17/12/2021 12:06

How did he react to you to saying you wouldn't do it to him either?

(And well done for saying that btw)

1910username · 17/12/2021 12:08

I would also be disappointed because it’s the only way I can climax.

How are his manual skills? (IYKWIM)

JuicySatsuma85 · 17/12/2021 12:11

Wow people are making such a big deal out of this.

It’s totally normal to do sexual things in the beginning of a relationship that you aren’t really all that into and it’s ok to decide you don’t want to do them anymore.

People saying it’s a dealbreaker…grow up. Ending a marriage and changing a fathers relationship with his small child because you aren’t getting oral sex anymore?

OP never said it was the only way she could orgasm. Just that it’s her favourite part. If it is the only way she can orgasm then it’s a fun thing to work on together because it really shouldn’t be the only way you can orgasm.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 17/12/2021 12:13

It’s totally normal to do sexual things in the beginning of a relationship that you aren’t really all that into and it’s ok to decide you don’t want to do them anymore.

Not for me. I've never participated in a sexual act regularly for 2 years and then announced 'actually, I'm not into that'.

Megacervixosaurus · 17/12/2021 12:14

It’s totally normal to do sexual things in the beginning of a relationship that you aren’t really all that into

Speak for yourself. That’s not normal for me.

Aria2015 · 17/12/2021 12:15

I think op is right to say no more oral from her too. I suspect the poster who mentioned the difference between disliking something and not being bothered has a point. If he previously did it (for a few years!) it can't be that repugnant to him. It's much more likely he's no longer as invested in her pleasure as he once was and because it wasn't his favourite thing to do, he's now stopped. I'm guessing blow jobs aren't ops favourite thing to do either (most womens enjoyment of sex doesn't hinge of giving a bloke head) so if he's not as invested in her pleasure as he once was, why should she keep putting all the effort in and investing in his? Sex is surely all about mutual enjoyment and pleasure? Otherwise it's just a chore or an elaborate wank!