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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

210 replies

Laughingstock91 · 16/12/2021 15:05

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/12/2021 15:09

"Oh, was there not a great turnout then?"

Wink
Peppercorn9 · 16/12/2021 15:11

YANBU and your friend is being a self-centred, immature prat. I'd give her some distance (ha) until she hopefully realises this and apologises.

FriedasCarLoad · 16/12/2021 15:12

I think that'd be the end of the friendship of you did that.

From her point of view, she might have been looking forward to it for years, and then perhaps had a very disappointing, even humiliating evening if lots of people took the same decision.

I guess you have to question whether defending yourself robustly over this is more important to you than the friendship. And whether the friendship is valuable enough to be worth you striking a sympathetic and reconciliatory tone and apologising again.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/12/2021 15:12

If she were a "true" friend she wouldn't pressure you to go somewhere that would make you feel unsafe, works both ways

Definitely NU

Megan2018 · 16/12/2021 15:12

Well now you know what she’s like I guess. What a twunt.
If you’d no m-showed without explanation I could justify it. But you have explained why, and I’d have done the same.
She’s a knob. With any luck she’ll have to spend Xmas in isolation to reflect on what she’s done.

SleighbellsZ · 16/12/2021 15:13

YANBU

She is. She should respect your decision, you were truthful.

sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 15:13

She's not much of a friend, is she? Thick, selfish and aggressive.

I'd be distancing myself.

Figgygal · 16/12/2021 15:13

You are allowed to make the decision you feel is right for you
She needs some perspective

Fatgalslim · 16/12/2021 15:14

She'd have to be a bit dense to not understand why you cancelled, and she can't be that surprised that you did - I'm sure you weren't the only one and that's probably her issue.

Kind of tough though IMO, she should have expected that people would cancel so close to Christmas

LittleGwyneth · 16/12/2021 15:15

She's being V unreasonable. People are entitled to have their parties, and their friends are entitled to make informed decisions about whether or not they want to attend. No-one has any right to make anyone else feel guilty about their choices.

mummabubs · 16/12/2021 15:18

Definite yanbu. And well done for making the right decision for you and your loved ones. We've also downscaled our plans to only involve seeing immediate family due to increasing rates.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/12/2021 15:20

No yanbu.

And she is a selfish cow.

Pugdogmom · 16/12/2021 15:20

Sounds like a lot of people took that decision and she didn't have a great turnout. 😕 She had no right to have a go at you though. People are just making decisions best on themselves and their families.
I wouldn't tell her to fuck off though. I have has a party once where we didn't have a great turnout and it was horrible. That's why I don't have them anymore x

Elodeastar · 16/12/2021 15:26

YANBU
Your friend is being unreasonable and self-centred though.
Maybe time for a bit of distance for both of you.
Good luck!

hopeishere · 16/12/2021 15:28

It's very stressful and sad holding a party and have lots of drop outs and now shows.
And it's ok for her to be hurt about that.

MsTSwift · 16/12/2021 15:31

Hmmm ok she maybe overstepped but it’s tough holding a party if everyone bails it’s a nightmare. As a frequent host I tend to sympathise

CoffeeMuggins · 16/12/2021 15:33

@hopeishere

It's very stressful and sad holding a party and have lots of drop outs and now shows. And it's ok for her to be hurt about that.
Her hurt should not in any way, shape or form be directed at people though. She has behaved like a self-centred little cow.
littlepeas · 16/12/2021 15:37

Sounds to me like lots of people did the same thing as you. I feel sorry for her - must be hard to have something you have looked forward to fall apart at the last minute.

I think lots of people look for excuses to pull out of social events they have committed to and then don't fancy on the day, so I expect there will have been a few people who used covid as an excuse to spend the evening on the sofa - it happened to the school mums night out last weekend (15 people down to 6 in the space of 24 hours...).

CoffeeMuggins · 16/12/2021 15:39

@littlepeas

Sounds to me like lots of people did the same thing as you. I feel sorry for her - must be hard to have something you have looked forward to fall apart at the last minute.

I think lots of people look for excuses to pull out of social events they have committed to and then don't fancy on the day, so I expect there will have been a few people who used covid as an excuse to spend the evening on the sofa - it happened to the school mums night out last weekend (15 people down to 6 in the space of 24 hours...).

Or rather than just wanting to spend the evening on the sofa, they realised that especially as mothers to young kids, they couldn't be sick in the run up to Christmas Hmm
Peakedtoosoon · 16/12/2021 15:42

I'd have been really upset in her shoes too. She hasn't handled it well but surely you can find some understanding?

HeartsAndClubs · 16/12/2021 15:48

We’re not just talking about your average social event that people are likely to pull out of though are we? We’re talking about a new variant where figures are doubling every other day, and where catching COVID now means people won’t be spending Christmas with their families.

She was naive if she thought that no-one would pull out at this point. TBH she should probably have cancelled to avoid disappointment, it’s unlikely anyone would have been disappointed if she had cancelled, but others pulling out was almost certainly going to lead to disappointment on her part.

MindyStClaire · 16/12/2021 15:49

She's behaved badly, but I can understand her disappointment (I wouldn't have been going either, so I'm not saying you should have gone).

If you want to preserve the friendship, I'd reply sympathetically but reiterate your reasons.

Hi Jane, ah I'm so sorry if you had a lot of drop outs. Covid can just do one at this stage can't it. As I said before it just wasn't possible for me so close to Christmas, I need to be wary because I don't want to leave Nora and Edmund alone on Christmas. Let's do something to celebrate properly when the world starts turning again.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 16/12/2021 15:59

YABU to tell her to f*ck off!

‘Hi 40th friend, I understand you must be really disappointed but I felt I needed to protect my family in the run up to Christmas as I’d hate to pass COVID on to them. I do hope you’ll understand and I’ll look forward to celebrating your big birthday when things settle down again.’

KatherineJaneway · 16/12/2021 16:03

How much notice did you give her?

CharSiu · 16/12/2021 16:03

I cancelled an event yesterday and my friend was completely understanding. A friend of mine couldn’t get back to England for her own Mothers funeral last year in the height of lockdown. If someone got that stroppy over a birthday party when you have given a perfectly rational and polite explanation I would be happy to let the relationship slide.