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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

210 replies

Laughingstock91 · 16/12/2021 15:05

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

OP posts:
mumof2exhausted · 17/12/2021 17:55

I understand why you are upset but also understand why she is upset as this is obviously a big deal and something she was looking forward to. I’d cut her a bit of slack, let the dust settle and wouldn’t end a friendship over it. I have to admit we have my son’s party planned for this weekend (been planned for months). Close friends and family, everyone will take layers flows before coming. All are now triple jabbed but a friend said she didn’t feel comfortable coming. I was disappointed but gave myself a couple of hours to process before responding correctly and saying that or course I understood.

AnnieSnap · 17/12/2021 18:01

YANBU Rather than tell her to fuck off (I’d feel like doing that too), I think you should take the high ground. Text back and tell her that her lack of consideration for you and your elderly relatives isn’t the behaviour of a true friend.

Americano75 · 17/12/2021 18:08

Is she 40 or 14?

Fizzbangwallop · 17/12/2021 18:10

A true friend would have respected your decision.

I wouldn’t dignify her message with any kind of reply. I’d block her on social media and on my phone.

You need better friends!

cakewench · 17/12/2021 18:12

You can do an 'I'm sorry you feel that way' sort of non-apology if you like. It depends on whether or not you want to completely end this friendship, which is what I imagine might happen if you tell her to fuck off now, given that she's quite upset.

It's your decision to not go but I can also understand why she'd be upset if she's been planning this a while and your decision was last minute. I'd have gone, but then I am a TA and I've probably lost perspective on risk given that I work with approximately 60 children on any given day. Also I have had my booster which changes things, you haven't.

Basically I can see both sides. I'm sorry OP Flowers

diddl · 17/12/2021 18:14

Well if 50 went that's not too bad in the circs I wouldn't have thought.

Had she hired anywhere/paid for catering?

How much notice did you give her?

Spectre8 · 17/12/2021 18:16

[quote Thingstodotoday]@ChristmasFluff
“Such a shame that the vaccine that almost all of Mumsnet has been shilling has been so ineffective in preventing anything, even anxiety.

But of course, the new booster dose will change all of that. Huzzah!”

It has been highly effective in preventing many, many deaths and hospitalisations you absolute clown.[/quote]
Well message today is the booster isn't really that effective so you know I wouldn't be huzzahing too much right now.

And this is why people are in fuck it mode and getting on with their lives.

Mumontour85 · 17/12/2021 18:18

I agree with you OP, however, people have been on their knees because of this pandemic for 2 years and they've rightly had enough...
I think at this stage people have to do what's right for them, if you don't feel comfortable in a situation then leave or don't go. If you do, then be safe and enjoy!
Your friend went ahead with the party - fine, good for her. You didn't want to attend - fine, good for you!
Her being an AH and being mad at you - not cool at all.

InFiveMins · 17/12/2021 18:29

I'm with your friend. Surely you could have shown your face for an hour or so and taken some extra precautions whilst there? Seems unfair to have cancelled on her at late notice and her 40th birthday party was clearly important to her.

icedcoffees · 17/12/2021 18:43

Hmm, I think it depends on how you cancelled and how much notice you gave her.

If you spoke to her in person/on the phone last week, YANBU, but if you just didn't show up or cancelled on her on the day/the day before, then YABU as that's just rude.

Thingstodotoday · 17/12/2021 18:45

@ Spectre8

“Well message today is the booster isn't really that effective so you know I wouldn't be huzzahing too much right now.

And this is why people are in fuck it mode and getting on with their lives.”

If you had the capacity to properly digest today’s message then you’d have understood that it also concluded that the boosters continue to provide high protection against hospitalisation and death.

And if you’d had the capacity to understand my post then you’d see that I wasn’t “huzzahing” about about anything. That cringeful interjection was from the poster I was responding to.

Reading comprehension is really not your strong point is it? Better luck trying to trip someone up next time eh?…

TillyTopper · 17/12/2021 18:46

I understand the dilemma OP - personally I am not worried about myself at all. Triple vaxxed now, I wear a max, wash my hands... and I've stopped worrying about it. But I do worry about seeing my mum who is 90 years old.

I think your "friend" is unreasonable. I'd have done the same as you. I wouldn't be rude to her though. So I wouldn't tell her to "fuck right off" I'd reply "Sorry it didn't turned out as hoped, but I hope you had a great time anyway". And leave it at that.

Rosieandtwinkle · 17/12/2021 18:53

YANBU, she is. I’ve just cancelled all my birthday plans for this weekend as I just don’t want to risk my friends and wider family having another Christmas cancelled, for the sake of a few drinks. It can wait, and we can rearrange in the new year when things hopefully settle down again.

hellowembley · 17/12/2021 18:54

Flaking out on an event, especially a 40th birthday, is very rude behaviour

cantkeepawayforever · 17/12/2021 19:01

@hellowembley

Flaking out on an event, especially a 40th birthday, is very rude behaviour
I would say that carrying a potentially deadly virus to elderly relatives next week is much worse....
Mary46 · 17/12/2021 19:05

No point putting families at risk coming up to xmas. I see your point op.

CoffeeMuggins · 17/12/2021 19:09

@Thingstodotoday

@ Spectre8

“Well message today is the booster isn't really that effective so you know I wouldn't be huzzahing too much right now.

And this is why people are in fuck it mode and getting on with their lives.”

If you had the capacity to properly digest today’s message then you’d have understood that it also concluded that the boosters continue to provide high protection against hospitalisation and death.

And if you’d had the capacity to understand my post then you’d see that I wasn’t “huzzahing” about about anything. That cringeful interjection was from the poster I was responding to.

Reading comprehension is really not your strong point is it? Better luck trying to trip someone up next time eh?…

👍👌
SallyWD · 17/12/2021 19:11

You were completely right. There's a very real chance you'd have picked up Covid, which could kill an elderly relative! Is she so self-centred that she can't see that?! We've all had shit birthday celebrations during the last 18 months or so. Just how it is.

SallyWD · 17/12/2021 19:12

@hellowembley

Flaking out on an event, especially a 40th birthday, is very rude behaviour
Not as bad as passing a deadly virus to some elderly. What a ridiculous comment!
Scotland32 · 17/12/2021 19:14

@FriedasCarLoad

I think that'd be the end of the friendship of you did that.

From her point of view, she might have been looking forward to it for years, and then perhaps had a very disappointing, even humiliating evening if lots of people took the same decision.

I guess you have to question whether defending yourself robustly over this is more important to you than the friendship. And whether the friendship is valuable enough to be worth you striking a sympathetic and reconciliatory tone and apologising again.

This. Great reply.
TinaYouFatLard · 17/12/2021 19:20

A good friend would not miss such a big event.

nomoneytree · 17/12/2021 19:22

She's an idiot for not postponing her own party given that it's a big one. I expect lots of people pulled out last minute. Poor her though, very sad.

cantkeepawayforever · 17/12/2021 19:27

@TinaYouFatLard

A good friend would not miss such a big event.
The friend with the party was asking the OP to choose a social event over her elderly relatives. That's not the action of a good friend.
Bunnyfuller · 17/12/2021 19:27

Half a thought for other people and she would have cancelled. She’s 40 not fucking 4, parties can be moved. They’ve been talking about this exploding for over a week, so she could have easily rainchecked it.

It’s on her.

Bunnyfuller · 17/12/2021 19:31

You can spot the posters who are adamant they’re not going to try to help slow this down! They’ll be the only ones socialising in the coming week and will all spread it to each other.

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