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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

210 replies

Laughingstock91 · 16/12/2021 15:05

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

OP posts:
FatBettyintheCoop · 17/12/2021 08:54

At 40yrs old, she ought to have learnt some common sense by now. Hmm Why didn’t she postpone the party to the summer months and hold it outdoors if she’s that keen to celebrate her birthday?

I’d ignore her childish rant and have very little to do with her for a few months…ever.

FatBettyintheCoop · 17/12/2021 09:02

@ChristmasFluff

Such a shame that the vaccine that almost all of Mumsnet has been shilling has been so ineffective in preventing anything, even anxiety.

But of course, the new booster dose will change all of that. Huzzah!

What a twatty reply!

It’s not irrational anxiety that is stopping people attending parties at this stage, FFS.

Mumsnet is actually full of very sensible mums who having listened to the news, don’t want to spoil their children’s Christmas experience by catching Covid and having to isolate.

Just how difficult is that to understand? Confused

justasking111 · 17/12/2021 09:14

Something that the German chancellor said a few weeks back stuck with me it was unusually honest and blunt

"You either will recover or die"

justasking111 · 17/12/2021 09:16

Sorry it was the health minister 🙄

Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party
musicalfrog · 17/12/2021 09:19

@justasking111

Something that the German chancellor said a few weeks back stuck with me it was unusually honest and blunt

"You either will recover or die"

I think it was actually "you'll recover, be vaccinated or die."

I don't like this dialogue of ruining people's Christmas by isolating. We're still planning to open our presents, eat a Christmas dinner and enjoy our decorations. We'll celebrate with extended family another time, but I don't agree that our Christmas is 'ruined'.

uggmum · 17/12/2021 09:29

We've all had big events and landmark birthdays that have been scaled down or cancelled.

It's just part and parcel of a global pandemic.

Your friend is unrealistic. She should be respecting other people's decisions and life choices.

I am being cautious, mainly because I have 7 people for Christmas dinner and I wouldn't want to impact all of them by catching covid.

Wagamamasforlunch · 17/12/2021 09:30

If you just hadn't turned up without explaining to her, then I would say she has a right to be upset. But you say you've explained, so I'd send something like this:

"Sorry you feel that way. As I explained to you before, I am spending Christmas with my relatives who are vulnerable, and so I am being extra cautious this week, and felt uncomfortable attending a party with 70+ people. I appreciate it was a big birthday and important to you, and under normal circumstances I would have loved to attend, but my family's health comes first. It's a shame that you can't understand my reasoning, I could argue that a 'true' friend would. Have a lovely Christmas and New Year".

Wagamamasforlunch · 17/12/2021 09:32

And then if she replies I would ignore. Fuck her.

billy1966 · 17/12/2021 09:35

@Peppercorn9

YANBU and your friend is being a self-centred, immature prat. I'd give her some distance (ha) until she hopefully realises this and apologises.
This.

Complete silence.

I couldn't be friends with that level of unreasonable stupidity.

RedRobyn2021 · 17/12/2021 09:52

You're seeing elderly relatives next week for Christmas, so I totally understand why you decided not to go

Honestly don't tell her to fuck off, just remind her of the above. Then maybe organise doing something special together just the two of you after Christmas.

Don't let this ruin your friendship. The way things are at the moment.. people are so fed up. She obviously loves you very much and wanted you to be there, I guarantee she's not thinking about it from your point of view.

whynotwhatknot · 17/12/2021 10:06

she really should have read the room on this one weve been advised not to have parties so we can have xmas

i understand its her birthday but she shod have postponed

Mickarooni · 17/12/2021 10:52

@musicalfrog

“I don't like this dialogue of ruining people's Christmas by isolating. We're still planning to open our presents, eat a Christmas dinner and enjoy our decorations. We'll celebrate with extended family another time, but I don't agree that our Christmas is 'ruined'.”

That’s nice for you but my friend is isolating over Christmas due to catching Covid and lives alone. There are people who are due to travel or see family members they’ve not seen for a long time. It’s a bit “I’m alright Jack” if you live with your family. I could have a nice enough Christmas if it was just my household but other people aren’t so lucky!

5keletor · 17/12/2021 11:04

I've mentioned our Christmas being spoiled because we don't have food in for Christmas dinner and getting a delivery slot, if we had to isolate imminently, would be nothing short of a miracle (if all the items we wanted were even available). Although it would mainly be due to having to yet again cancel seeing parents due to covid, who have seen their grandchildren twice in almost 2 years thanks to restrictions.

CallmeBadJanet · 17/12/2021 17:21

One less on your Christmas card list.

takenforgrantednana · 17/12/2021 17:35

@Laughingstock91

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night- I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

send her a message back saying that you gave her the reason why you wouldnt be going, and your elderly relatives take more priority over her esp if thats her attitude, you have no reason to feel bad about it at all, i would do the same thing and stay at home as are an awful lot of people, who knows this could be the last christmas for too many of the oldies
Unmerited · 17/12/2021 17:45

@FriedasCarLoad

I think that'd be the end of the friendship of you did that.

From her point of view, she might have been looking forward to it for years, and then perhaps had a very disappointing, even humiliating evening if lots of people took the same decision.

I guess you have to question whether defending yourself robustly over this is more important to you than the friendship. And whether the friendship is valuable enough to be worth you striking a sympathetic and reconciliatory tone and apologising again.

That’s such a valid response. In 2019!! 🤦‍♀️🙄
Unmerited · 17/12/2021 17:46

@RedRobyn2021

You're seeing elderly relatives next week for Christmas, so I totally understand why you decided not to go

Honestly don't tell her to fuck off, just remind her of the above. Then maybe organise doing something special together just the two of you after Christmas.

Don't let this ruin your friendship. The way things are at the moment.. people are so fed up. She obviously loves you very much and wanted you to be there, I guarantee she's not thinking about it from your point of view.

I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like love to me. It sounds like the opposite - selfishness.
Chloemol · 17/12/2021 17:47

I would just go back and say she is not a ‘true’ friend as she doesn’t understand your point of view, or accept it’s a valid one

JustDanceAddict · 17/12/2021 17:49

I’ve seen this play out with mutual friends - both parties found it hard to see each others’ pov and I’m not sure if their friendship will be the same again.
The event was more important than a bday party though & covid cases were low at the time.

Unmerited · 17/12/2021 17:50

@ChristmasFluff

Such a shame that the vaccine that almost all of Mumsnet has been shilling has been so ineffective in preventing anything, even anxiety.

But of course, the new booster dose will change all of that. Huzzah!

Shilling, good try. It’s almost as though there’s a group of people not having it, ridiculing those who have, and spreading misinformation - and then - saying it doesn’t work. Perhaps if those people had had it, we’d be in a better situation now.

If only there was a vaccine for selfishness, with a booster for brain cell function.

NippySweetie16 · 17/12/2021 17:51

"I'm really sorry you feel like that. You know under normal circumstances I would have been first to arrive and last to leave. But I feel the risk is just too much at the moment, and I hope you can understand my perspective too."

MrsJBaptiste · 17/12/2021 17:51

@musicalfrog Completely agree!

We've had Delta, Omicron, next year another variant... I'm sure we're all going to catch them at some point. Fair enough if you want to stay at home avoiding everyone and everything but don't berate those of us who want a life.

Yes, Christmas with family is lovely but for some of us there are also loads of events before that day that we don't want to miss just to do Christmas Dinner.

Unmerited · 17/12/2021 17:51

She doesn’t sound like someone I’d want as a friend to be honest, although I can understand the sadness.

Unmerited · 17/12/2021 17:52

[quote MrsJBaptiste]@musicalfrog Completely agree!

We've had Delta, Omicron, next year another variant... I'm sure we're all going to catch them at some point. Fair enough if you want to stay at home avoiding everyone and everything but don't berate those of us who want a life.

Yes, Christmas with family is lovely but for some of us there are also loads of events before that day that we don't want to miss just to do Christmas Dinner.[/quote]
But she didn’t berate her friend, her friend berated her?

Thingstodotoday · 17/12/2021 17:53

@ChristmasFluff
“Such a shame that the vaccine that almost all of Mumsnet has been shilling has been so ineffective in preventing anything, even anxiety.

But of course, the new booster dose will change all of that. Huzzah!”

It has been highly effective in preventing many, many deaths and hospitalisations you absolute clown.