Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

[Laughingstock91]

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

Hi OP. Your friend is being unreasonable. In these weird times we have to prioritise what is best for us and our families, so you did the right thing. But I'd cut her some slack. If she's gone to the trouble of organising a big party with details and invites hashed out before the Omicron emergence, and then person after person, including her best friend bail last minute? It must be horrible, frustrating and possibly a fair bit of money down the drain. I feel for her. Although you did the right thing, I really do empathise with her too.

December birthdays suck in normal years! Its sucks even more in covid times!

Have a bit if empathy for her cos I do and totally understand her response. And I know the response is always like so what just move the birthday to another day but honestly 40 is mileston bday. If the one time you get to celebrate your birthday on your birthday its your 40th (covid or noncovid times).

Then your calling her event a super spreader event when she is allowed to hold a party. She isn't holding it to deliverating spread covid about.

We've been told unless you live like a hermit you are likley to get it. That alone tells you enough.

Hope you not going anywhere then if you that worried about getting it e.g. avoiding all shops and anywhere there are lots of people.

She's the one not being a true friend by not understanding your reasons for pulling out.

YANBU. I've had my booster and I still caught Covid. There is absolutely no way that I would have gone to a big event like that this close to Christmas. I caught it from my DH, who had no symptoms, I also have o symptoms. If he hadn't needed a clear PCR test in order to fly we would never have known that either of us have it. In a group of 70 people there is highly likely to be at least a few who have no idea that they have Covid.

A party on a Wed night?

Unfortunate for her if it was a poor turnout but you can't really expect people to risk their Christmas plans like that. If her party had turned into a super spreading event would she not feel mortified about ruining so many peoples Christmas? And potentially making them or their relatives very ill?

She sounds self centred and irresponsible. You definitely weren't unreasonable not to go.

@1FootInTheRave

A party on a Wed night?

This... who has a ANY kind of party on a Wednesday night?

YANBU. As unfortunate as it is, I don't think many parties will have a great attendance rate at the moment. You didn't do anything wrong, we aren't attending any indoor/crowded events at the moment, it isn't worth the risk of having to isolate over Christmas.

True friends respect the rights of their friends to make their own decisions about how to balance caution with the desire to party when living through a pandemic. Reasonable people may or may not decide to go ahead with their events (parties are still legal, we are not locked down) but need to plan on the assumption that acceptances will be lower than usual.

We had a milestone birthday party in October and loads of our dear friends didn't come but enough did to make it a nice event and we have no hard feelings towards those who didn't risk it. The two people who had been invited and accepted but who didn't actually know any of the other guests except for the immediate host family both cancelled last minute which we thought was perfectly sensible because there's a different balance if risk v benefit if you are going to see lots of people who you know and like vs spending an evening with a bunch of people you don't know. I have pulled out of or declined invitations to several of the latter kind as they simply aren't worth the risk, no matter how much I like the host.

Yanbu but she’s just probably really sad at the loss of what was going to be a great party with all her friends.

Even the Queen has cancelled her pre-Christmas family lunch, for much the same reasons!

It's very stressful and sad holding a party and have lots of drop outs and now shows.
And it's ok for her to be hurt about that.

Her disappointment might be reasonable, but the way she has handled her disappointment is not.

If she was a true friend she would understand your pov. Maybe she had a poor turnout and her anger came your way. But still she was stupid for still having a party and I think you did the right thing

The answers you get will depend purely on whether the people responding are frightened of covid or not. Being completely honest, in her shoes I would feel frustrated, irritated and upset with a friend who did this. I would consider them overly cautious and a bit feeble, and would be hurt they wouldnt take what i considered a minimal risk for me. Which is entirely a reflection of my view on the covid risk, and not an objective view on whether its unreasonable to back out. I know this, and so for that reason, I wouldn't have sent you that message, and would have kept my thoughts to myself.

I don't understand posters saying "well she was probably really disappointed"

Sure she was. Most adults are sufficiently well-socialised that they don't take their disappointment out on their friends, though, aren't they? She's behaved like a spoilt child. Over something that any fool could have told her was likely to happen!

YANBU she sounds very selfish and not a true friend. Stupid time to throw a party given the current circumstances.

@5128gap

The answers you get will depend purely on whether the people responding are frightened of covid or not. Being completely honest, in her shoes I would feel frustrated, irritated and upset with a friend who did this. I would consider them overly cautious and a bit feeble, and would be hurt they wouldnt take what i considered a minimal risk for me. Which is entirely a reflection of my view on the covid risk, and not an objective view on whether its unreasonable to back out. I know this, and so for that reason, I wouldn't have sent you that message, and would have kept my thoughts to myself.

Minimal risk? 78k yesterday, 88k today, where do you reckon we will be in the coming days? Do you honestly, truly think your friends should put you and your birthday above celebrating Christmas with their family, who should clearly be more important to them than you?

YANBU and I guess the only one who wanted to spend time with family members at Christmas.

I can't believe anyone is on here defending the OP's 'friend'. Seriously, have you not seen the news?

YANBU. I understand your friend may be disappointed, but if she doesn't understand why you cancelled when there's a pandemic (currently worsening by the day), then she's either thick or self centred. Quite possibly both.

She's 40, not 4 ffs.

Anyone who thinks their friends are "feeble" for not wanting to risk giving a virus to their elderly/frail relatives at Christmas has issues too, imo. What a stunning lack of empathy and common decency that shows.

@sadpapercourtesan

I don't understand posters saying "well she was probably really disappointed"

Sure she was. Most adults are sufficiently well-socialised that they don't take their disappointment out on their friends, though, aren't they? She's behaved like a spoilt child. Over something that any fool could have told her was likely to happen!

Well as a December baby with my birthday on the 27th its utterly shit. Every year (covid or not) is the same, noone is available to celebrate your bday on your bday because they are still with families. Whilst OPs friends bday is pre xmas day its still the same, people always make up excuses, too busy doing last minute xmas stuff.

But I've always had to listen to people tell me to just move my birthday to another month its no big deal - except they wouldn't move theirs would they.

I'd like to think my friends would at least make it for a milestone birthday on my actual birthday but they don't.

So I no longer make any plans with anyone and just go out and celebrate my bday on my own and this way im never disappointed or let down.

So maybe some people just look at it from our point of view of how fucking shit it is and have some sympathy.

You made your priorities clear and your friend has realised she's lower down the list of importance than she'd hoped.

Nearly 90,000 case in the last 24 hours! I don't blame you for not wanting to go and she is not much of a friend for having a go at you to be honest.

@Spectre8 yes, it's been shit for everybody. I could give you all the examples of my life/my children's lives being fucked up by the pandemic too - I'm sure we all could. None of it explains or excuses an grown woman behaving like a spoilt brat because her friends didn't want to risk catching a virus in the run-up to Christmas!