Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

[Laughingstock91]

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

I can understand her disappointment. but who wants to get a positive test at the moment and be ill/have to isolate all over Christmas. not worth the risk

Just playing devils advocate but I think it depends on what you’re usually like as a friend and whether there’s an imbalance in your relationship. Do you normally cancel and are you still going out with others whilst turning this down? Did she put herself out for you and that isn’t being repaid? You see both of those issues on here all the time and the ‘taker’ is usually oblivious

@hellowembley

Flaking out on an event, especially a 40th birthday, is very rude behaviour

Even when people could become seriously ill and die as a result of attending the event? I think you should reconsider your priorities!

She's putting pressure on you to attend something that could kill you.

Not a friend.

Shame for your friend on her 40th birthday celebration. Most people want to celebrate milestone birthdays one way or another don't they. December birthdays are crap, even pre covid. Obviously your choice if you felt you couldn't attend though op.

Sometimes we have to review our friends, even have a cull and find new ones, if they cause more problems than they are worth. Dump her

Can't stop laughing at the people who honestly think the OP is a bad friend for not going and probably catching covid (seriously, have you seen the actual rates and not just the confirmed cases?), resulting in a missed Christmas with her own family. There's something actually wrong with people.

YANBU for not going.

Hope you did not say yes and then no at the last minute though. Omicron has been known about for over a fortnight.

@Peakedtoosoon

I'd have been really upset in her shoes too. She hasn't handled it well but surely you can find some understanding?

Seriously? 1 week before Christmas and people are making decisions on how socialising can impact themselves and others as the number of cases are hitting higher than ever numbers. The OP made the right decision for her, the friend made a decision to suit herself and not taking peoples concerns into account.

How much notice did you give? She's obviously upset, did she pay for any of it upfront? Or minimum spend? Do you have form for pulling out so she thinks you're just making an excuse?
Just say I'm really sorry and explain why and say you hope she had a good evening and will celebrate with her next year.

@HeartsAndClubs

We’re not just talking about your average social event that people are likely to pull out of though are we? We’re talking about a new variant where figures are doubling every other day, and where catching COVID now means people won’t be spending Christmas with their families.

She was naive if she thought that no-one would pull out at this point. TBH she should probably have cancelled to avoid disappointment, it’s unlikely anyone would have been disappointed if she had cancelled, but others pulling out was almost certainly going to lead to disappointment on her part.

Exactly. Dropping out due to COVID is mot an excuse it is a valid reason. If she is disappointed it is because her expectations were unmet. That is on her not the OP.

My sister felt obligated to attend a party last weekend. Her, her children and husband all positive now so can't see them on Christmas Day. So you were right to be cautious and if she can't understand this then what can you do.

I'd find it hard to be friends with someone like that, I understand her disappointment but she has to suck it up not sulk and moan.

She isn't a true friend if she thinks a booze up for her birthday trumps taking care of the health of family !

My Boss went to a 40th last Saturday, almost a third have now come down with covid...

If she was a caring person she would've cancelled the party altogether. If she wants to be selfish upmto her. All those that went to the party are selfish idiots. She should respect your decision. I think a lot of friendships have been tested over Covid.
Its not about being frightened as such, its being sensible, keeping safe and staying alive.

If you value the friendship, then I think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, and see that she has been angry, then clumsy. I'd send a calm text apologising again that you have upset her (as I am sure this was not your intention) and (if you ARE sorry) sorry that you also missed her event but re-stating the reason briefly - leaving the text with a message that you'd like to meet up again when the latest wave has blown over (so it doesn't get into a slanging match about whether your reasons were valid - they are to you so that is what matters . If you have changed your mind about the friendship (and I agree this would change my mind) then it is still worth sending the first bit - unless you want to deliberately create an enemy, and possibly put shared friends in a difficult position. If she continues to respond badly, then I'd just leave it.

@Bunnyfuller

You can spot the posters who are adamant they’re not going to try to help slow this down! They’ll be the only ones socialising in the coming week and will all spread it to each other.

I'll be socialising this week and I don't think I'll be the only person in the pub 🤷‍♀️

YANBU

She's not three there's a pandemic on so normal is out the window. It's her choice to go ahead but she can't judge people for not attending

In this Covid climate it is utterly ridiculous to invite people to a party and be unreasonable if they feel they cannot attend for safety reasons. Personally, I’d accept an invitation but I’d absolutely accept other people refusing to go.

'1FootInTheRave

A party on a Wed night?

This... who has a ANY kind of party on a Wednesday night?'

So shocking! Reminds me of a 20 something guy I was talking to in the pub once who just couldn't cope with the idea that people could have sex during the day

Don't be nasty to her, she is probably very upset and will no doubt cool off in due course. Just be respectful of her disappointment, send a card reiterating your reasons for not going and tell her you look forward to meeting up in the new year. Then see how it goes.

Very immature "friend" - of course she's disappointed - it's been two fing years of disappointments for everyone! YANBU - you are doing what is right for you and your family and if your friend doesn't get that, f her. (This is from the USA.)

Selfish c*w. She needs to get over herself and get a life. Will she feel at all guilty if anyone shows up positive? If the answer to that is "No", she ain't worth having as a friend. Ditch her...

I would have done the same thing in your situation and not gone to her 40th birthday. The numbers are rising and this new varient seems to spread quicker as well. You don't want to get COVID or long covid. Nor do you want to pass it on to other people.
I know several people who have not seen friends, gone out for a meal ect in the past few weeks because they want to be well for Xmas.

Context here is key I think. Not sure what your relationship is like so is your dropping out part of a pattern.

We've had Chris Whitty on the telly telling people to prioritise the social interactions that really matter to them. Your actions, however reasonable, are telling your friend that her milestone birthday is not something that matters to you.

Did you get her a gift or card?

Having a milestone birthday during the pandemic is utterly shit by the way.